This Month in Cosmo
December 18, 2009
Never trust sex advice from a magazine that puts the word "Va-jay-jay" on the cover.
3 Relationship Tests Guaranteed to Start a Fight!
10 Romantic Gestures No Man Will Ever Make!
Your Partner’s Sexual Past? How Much Should You Know? (Guaranteed to Start a Fight!)
5 Things We Like About Men and 100 Things We Hate
96 Pages of Advertising (48%)!
How to Cover Up the Hideous Flaws of Your Body
Rebuilding the Glass Ceiling for Fun and Profit!
Eating Right: 10 Easy Recipes Using Ingredients You’ll Never Have Just Laying Around the House
True Romance: A Beautiful Love Story Guaranteed to Highlight the Inadequacies of Your Man (and Start a Fight!)
Fall Fashion Pullout: Featuring Clothes You Can’t Afford and Will Never Fit Into
25 “Tried and True” Sex Secrets That Will Drive Your Man Wild! (See Pages 84-88 to Find Out Why We Used Quotation Marks!)
-CLT
Fancy Plans... and Pants to Match 
Hi there. You might remember me from such comment threads as “the last post” and “the one before that.” I’m here today to talk about va-jay-jays, or for those of you who prefer to sound like Mr. Rogers (sexual-predator version), “those lovely lady parts.”
But first, I’d like to offer up some helpful tips on a subject that countless grossly deformed and/or aesthetically-unpleasing women struggle with on a daily basis:
“Covering up the hideous flaws of your body.“
Now different women go about this in different ways (hey, it’s what makes us unique!), but really, there is only one correct approach. And believe it or not, (believe it!) we here at ‘Cosmo’ happen to know what that approach is.
The truth is, if you want to camouflage your “trouble spots,” you’ll need to draw attention to your strengths. However, since you don’t have any strengths so to speak (you’re a woman, remember?), we suggest buying a loose-fitting (yet comfortable) burqa, and then locking yourself permanently in the basement.
Because let’s face it–the homelier you are, the more we don’t want to see you.
(*But don’t forget to have our magazine sent to you via subscription!)
Now, about those va-jay-jays…
We lied (it’s our clever marketing tactic). Turns out they really aren’t all that fascinating at all. They’re actually kind of “deformed and aesthetically-unpleasing” (much like yourself!) if you look at them up close.
But ssshhhh! Don’t tell the guys that! (It’s what makes them feign interest in us, remember?)
…Great stuff, CLT. It’s magazines like Cosmo that make me proud to be a “va jay-jay owner”.
Hahaha!!!
Burqa’s are always in! If “Cosmo” doesn’t know, then I don’t want to hear about it. (Sorry, “Madamoiselle” and “Cosmo Girl.”)
It seems like most the articles boil down to:
1. Looking better for your ungrateful man.
2. Your ungrateful man is cheating.
3. Vagina stuff.
After that, it’s all downhill and someone starts putting va-jay-jay on the cover.
You know what makes women fascinating? It’s the fact that a man could read this magazine cover to cover and still be as confused as if he had read “Maxim” instead.
Thanks for the lowdown, bschooled. It really helped cloud the issues. Off the record: I’m partial to the term “bjango” myself.
You missed “My Life as a Speed Bump – Rihanna’s Career in the Transportation Industry.”
Hahaha! Aces!
I’m going to let that one ride…
Nicely played, FJ.
I would like to add my two cents here, having several years of experience concerning the following Cosmo “hot topics”:
Rihanna: Okay, got me there. Singer, right?
Sex He Has Alone: Is there any other kind? My “Go To Fantasy” involves The Bush daughters in a jello pit with Chelsea Clinton, to decide the next election.
The “Nice” Habit That Can Cost You Your Life: See “David Carradine in Bangkok”.
Feel-Good Tricks for Totally Blah Days: See “David Carradine in Bangkok”.
Things Never to Tell Your Guy: That you read Cosmo, and refer to your privates in gang slang.
Alrighty . . . glad to help! Great post, CLT!
To help clear things up:
Rihanna – Punching Bag/Speed Bump, occasional singer
Sex He Has Alone – Have you ever seen “Ghost?” It looks like “alone” to everyone else, especially the vacuum hose.
Nice Habit – Highly-flammable nun wear.
Feel-Good Tricks – See if your local hooker swings.
Things to Never Tell Your Guy – I always thought they were referring to VJ’s. Like MTV used to have. You know, “Check out my ‘Kennedy,’ available boyz.”
Dan, good stuff there, and worthy of a riposte. Thanks for the visit.
Can’t believe I read this dreck as a teenager (before I discovered PDRs and the Merck Manual)…surprised Cosmo hasn’t gone the way of astrology.
ELvis was a big fan of the PDR. It helped him sleep at night.
I’m sure there’s some astrology within those pages as well:
“Your Man Doesn’t Know from Astrology!” (Guaranteed to start a fight!)
Nice seeing you again, elizabeth.
I like the shared theme on the cover of “Sex Tips” and “Why Men Cheat” as if to say no matter how hard you work it, it’ll never be enough. If I was editor it would read, “Sex Tips to Make Your Man Cheat”, two birds, one stone, know what I mean? That Rihanna is so hot! I wish I could cheat on her!
Solid points there, RR. They seem to be sending the sort of mixed messages women like to send.
“This will drive him wild in bed unless someone has already used it and driven him wilder, quite possibly while you two were still seeing each other. On second thought, this maneuver will drain him of blood in under 8 minutes.”
And a man with no blood does very little.