Posts Tagged ‘Booze’

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The Fancy Plans Guide to Binge Drinking

April 14, 2010

If you're doing it right, even the camera will be wasted!

As any panicked moralist will tell you, college binge drinking is a serious problem, one that must be dealt with in the most hysterical way possible. While they entertain the 60 Minutes camera crew with third and fourth-hand tales of Jello shots and the damage done, we’d like to take the time to give you the “straight, uncut dope” on “doing it up right,” “getting crunk,” and the myriad potential benefits of getting “totally ‘faced.”

Freeform Amateur Debates
Everything from politics to religions to pop culture to that thing your girlfriend does when she’s “down there” can be expounded upon and argued about with no regard for facts or coherence. Most debates will take the form of FOX-News programming, wherein the loudest is usually considered the “rightest.”

Some hot-button issues to consider:

Is a cousin located far enough out on the family tree branches to be considered “fair game?” Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it after the horrendous string of birth defects?

The deck has been stacked against repeat sexual offenders for far too long! Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it before or after the sign went up in my yard?

That’s what happens when you elect a black president! Follow up: As the head “man,” is he still in the position to stick to the “man?” My casual co-opting of the hip hop lifestyle has also granted me some sort of enlightenment or something in regards to our president and the plight of my brothers, who are all several shades blacker than I am.

Unless you’ve knocked up like five or six random women within the last couple of years, I don’t think you’re qualified to offer your opinion on abortion. Follow-up: Condoms just don’t feel as good. I totally had no idea that was your sister. For reals, bro.

Don't worry about not getting enough to drink. Your friends will make sure you stay hydrated.

Making Memories (for other people)
A full night of drinking and drugs (trust me, these two will be in close proximity more often than not) will often play havoc with your mind, leading you to believe you just had several beers and went quietly to bed after entertaining your friends with your racous wit. In all reality, nothing could be further from the truth, and most of your friends and acquaintances will be able to piece your night together for you. Brace yourself.

And it goes a little something like this:

It late into a full night of drinking with party moving from the local bar to someone’s house. While some people have wisely called it a night and headed home, the die-hard still remain, willing to ride their buzz right into the barrel of God’s shotgun, which he has nicknamed “Daylight” and loaded full of headaches and regrets.

The full-on party has devolved into subdued conversations, occasionally punctuated by riotous laughter/loss of consciousness. Elsewhere in the house, drunks are half-heartedly trying to get it on, despite the fact that neither partner can feel anything from the neck down or form coherent thoughts from the neck up.

At some point, someone will emerge half-clothed from a darkened room and ask if they might have an additional bump of coke, or hit of ecstasy or another Xanax or whatever and that they’re willing to OH MY GOD SHE JUST STUCK THAT BEER BOTTLE IN HER VAGINA! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Once something like that happens, a crowd will gather. And speculation will begin.

Is this supposed to make her look sexually desirable? I mean, we all know that an entire (but miniature) human can emerge from there BUT JESUS MAN, SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE A MYSTERY! CHRIST ALMIGHTY, AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE I CAN EVEN COMPETE WITH THAT? I’M NOT HUNG LIKE A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER!

Soon enough, though, someone is going to take a chance on that, despite the fact that they’d need to be forearm deep before either of them felt anything. Good luck, man. That’s not for me. GOOD LORD, ONLY THE NECK IS STICKING OUT! GET SOME CLOTHES FOR HER. OR SOME COKE. DO SOMETHING, MAN! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON! THAT’S SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER.

Now try to match that up with how you think your night went.

  • Girl: Had some drinks. Woke up sore. Scored a baggie of coke somehow.
  • Guy: Totally got it on with this crazy chick. She was wild!

Other memories you may make for this crazy quilt we call “life”:

  • Human beer cozy
  • Sexual harassment suit
  • High-centered roommate’s Escalade on the freeway median
  • Human Sharpie canvas
  • Misplaced virginity
  • Lost job in less than 4 hours
  • The case of the mysterious and uncomfortable infection
  • Got a tattoo/joined the military

Vomiting
Your body’s way of telling you that you’re headed towards blood poisoning at a high rate of speed. You can’t get a much clearer sign that you should call it a night. However, this sign is often interpreted otherwise by power drinkers, usually as the following:

1. Time to get some sleep, perhaps right here on the bathroom floor.
2. Yay! I’ve got room for more drinks!

"Fuck you, buddy. I already did."

Should You Have More to Drink?
A good question, one that is usually answered with an unqualified “yes.” Listen for some of these common signalling phrases (most of which will be stumbling out of your mouth, so it may be wise to get a second party [PAAAAAAARRTTTYYYYY!!!!! – ed.] to corroborate):

I’m losing my buzz!
Unqualified yes.

Whose sister do I have to fuck to get another drink around here?
Unqualified yes. (And: Barry’s sister, actually.)

I’m going to make a booze run!
Are you driving?
– Yes. (Unqualified yes.)
– No.   (Unqualified yes. And one for the driver.)

I don’t think I can drink any more.
Unqualified yes. But have a small one, like a shot of Rumpleminze.

I can’t feel my face.
Unqualified yes + one (1) bump of coke.

I’ve got to get back and study.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! Unqualified yes.

I think I’m bleeding internally.
What am I? A doctor? Hell-unqualified-yes, motherfucker! (Med students are allowed to answer this question with the addition of the word “yet.”)

[Slipping into a coma]
No. (But only because it would require some sort of intravenous intervention to continue drinking. Check with the med students.)

I’m being arrested!
If you can get “one for the road,” by all means, do so.

Stop fucking my sister! Here’s your goddamned drink!
Unqualified yes. (Double up. You’ve just been through something which could be construed as traumatic if you weren’t so wasted. Get a double for your sister as well. The “sister-fucker” only needs a single.)

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to Winter Driving

December 14, 2009

Nothing makes hazardous winter driving easier than snapping away with your camera.

Winter is here. The temperature has dropped and the roads are deadlier than ever (and I’m including Maximum Overdrive). Here’s a quick guide on the do’s and don’ts of winter driving. Remember, being prepared might mean the difference between life and a short period of inconvenience.

So, how can you tell whether roads are safe to travel? Well, there are many resources including local news, Department of Transportation web sites and the traffic chopper. However, these reports may be as accurate as advertised as weather conditions can change rapidly during the course of a winter storm (and only in one direction: from bad to worse).

Use this simple test to determine whether roads can be safely travelled:

Do you have to work today?

  • Yes (see A.)
  • No (see B.)

A. NO. Roads cannot be safely travelled. [Skip to the end of this post.]

B. YES. Roads are safe to travel. [Continue reading.]
(Note: the quickest way to make a road safely navigable is to call in to work. Once you are unable to make it in to work [A] you will automatically fall into category B.)

Here are some key areas to focus on:

Low visibility often results in exciting rounds of "Car Tetris."

Low Visibility
Heavy snow and high winds will often bring visibility to under 100 feet. Here’s what you can do to combat “whiteout.”

1. Be proactive. Make sure others can see you. Turn every vehicle light on. Headlights, fog lights, high beams, hazard lights, etc. If you think it might help, go ahead and fire up the hazards and dome light. The better lit you are, the better your chances of not being hit by Speedy Joe Jackass.

Those of you with aftermarket products may also consider turning on every neon light/LED attached to your Hyundai. [see below]

Of course, the trailer itself remains dangerously underlit...

2. That takes care of people seeing you. But what about you seeing them? We can never safely assume that the other drivers will light themselves responsibly, much less give two shits about anyone but themselves.

So, to get back on point, what can you do to improve your odds of seeing other vehicles? You’ve already got all YOUR lights on so you’re probably seeing the road as well as you ever will. Maybe you could squint a little or try “visualizing” the road ahead. (It works for world peace. Or so said that bumper sticker attached to that bumper you just collided with.)

These, of course, are for your nipples.

Emergency Road Kit
Should you happen to end up in the ditch, freezing river or 12-foot tall snowbank, you’ll want to be prepared in case you have to wait several hours for rescue vehicles. (Well, maybe not the river. We’re talking hypothermia in a matter of minutes once you get wet. In this case, make sure your will is updated and you’re Satisfied-Very Satisfied with your progress in life so far.)

An Emergency Road Kit should contain the following:

  • Flashlight
  • Flares
  • Matches
  • Blanket
  • Extra clothes
  • Food
  • Water
  • Booze*

*optional

(Notes on booze: While it may seem immediately beneficial to have some available alcohol to combat cold and boredom, there are several drawbacks:

1. Alcohol does not actually keep you warm. It only makes you feel warmer. However, with a good buzz, “feeling” warm may be enough. Try to refrain from removing your clothes or wasting precious battery life calling up your exes.

2. When the highway patrol finally rescues you, it is probably better if you don’t reek of booze. Sure, you’ll get a free ride to somewhere warm, but your personal belongings will be scattered to inconvenient locations several miles away from each other. (For example: you – jail, your house – right where you left it, your car – impound lot.)

3. The effect of alcohol on your decision-making skills may result in very ineffective actions, like sticking the flares in the exhaust pipe to see if you can “blast” your way out of the snow, shoving the blanket into the gas tank and lighting it for some “continuous” warmth or exposing yourself to the cold/other drivers. (Not to mention all the drunk-dialling you’ll be doing.)

No matter what the weather is, Jack Nicholson is always on the lookout for speeders.

Drive Slowly
Generally speaking, winter driving means road conditions will vary from “unfavorable” to “wrath of God.” As you travel across snow-packed and icy roads, you will notice there is a fundamental disconnect between where you think you’re steering and where your vehicle is actually heading. This often leads to accident reports containing ridiculous phrases such as “The car seemed to have a mind of its own. Like Herbie. Or Christine.”

This particular strain of black ice will also torch your vehicle, much like a drunken hockey fan.

Black Ice
A common winter death trap is the fiendish act of God known as “black ice.” Black ice is a hardy winter predator which mimics a clean, dry road surface and will attack passing vehicles, sending them into the nearest ditch, guard rail or oncoming vehicles.

Due to its invisibility, warning you to “look out for black ice” is much like asking you to plan your next accidental pregnancy. You won’t realized you’re fucked until after you’ve “hit” it.

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to Wisconsin

July 7, 2009

Pull up a chair, netizens. Time to fill your head with facts that you were too bored to learn at school. In an effort to put the fun back in information, we have made up this new word: Funformation! The exclamation point always makes us giddy, deep in our girl parts.

Enough pointless rambling. It’s time to get down to the pointless facts. The Official Fancy Plans Guide to Wisconsin.

Wisconsin
From the Algonquin word Ouisconsin, meaning “Kegger By the River,” Wisconsin is known mainly for its two chief industries: producing beer and purchasing beer. Escorted to the border and tossed out by clean living Canadians, Wisconsin is the “prodigal” Canuck state which will never be allowed back into the Great White North, not even if the Queen Mother weakens during her later years.

Other states have tried interventions to limited success, the most recent being Michigan’s, which was spurned with, “Who the fuck are you preaching to, asshole? You don’t even have a job!”

Misleading Chamber of Commerce pamphlets and trade magazines will point to burgeoning cheese and agriculture industries as a way of distracting the average tourist from the sight and smell of the general population, which is usually in an advanced state of hangover. Competing hotels will even go so far as to leave Tillamook Cheddar on your bed pillows at night.

Another Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce meeting commences

Another Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce meeting commences

Major Cities
Milwaukee, the enabler of the state (and states around it; I’m looking at you, Minnesota) was built by German settlers looking for a place to produce beer, their homeland’s favorite beverage (outstripping Dr. Pfefferschnausenn nearly 3-to-1). These hardy Germans began cranking out medium-to-low quality lagers beginning in the mid-1850’s and still continue to this day with no discernible uptick in excellence.

Milwaukee’s breweries have given the world (mainly the Midwest) such beers as Pabst, Blatz, Schlitz, Old Milwaukee and the triumphantly named, Milwaukee’s Best. A careful perusal of the beer labels early in the night will reveal ribbons for various “Best in Show” designations, usually awarded by drunken local judges. Tour guides at the multitude of breweries will be sure to point this fact out, several times as well as reminding you that bottled water is for “fags.”

Local watering holes include: The Drunken Rant, The Elliptical Argument, The Whitest Place on Earth, Open at 7 AM, DUI’s Tavern (“Within Walking Distance of Anywhere that Matters!”), The Rolling Blackout and college favorite, Tipsy McDateRape’s.

Sports
Wisconsin is proud to host three major sports teams: the Green Bay Packers, the Milwaukee Brewers and the Milwaukee Bucks. As you may have noticed, two of the three teams are named after professions, as is the workmanlike professionalism of the local binge-drinkers. Former team names include the Assemblers, the Caretakers, the Meter Readers and the Sandwich Artists.

Bud Selig gives an attractive sportscaster the "look"

Bud Selig gives an attractive sportscaster the "look"

Milwaukee Brewers
The Milwaukee Brewers, Wisconsin’s entry into the major leagues, are owned by baseball’s interim commissioner-for-life, Bud Selig, who moved his team from the American League to the National League in the dead of night, hoping to find a weak NL Central that would allow his generally sub-.500 team to stumble into a wildcard playoff spot.

Selig and his team have not been successful in that respect, possibly due to drunken players and managers. Selig has, however, endeared himself to millions of baseball fans by raising serious conflict-of-interest questions and allowing All Star games to end in ties. Selig’s detractors refer constantly to his Janet Reno-esque looks and his near-constant BAC level of 0.12%.

Another wasted Packer passes out in the end zone

Another wasted Packer passes out in the end zone

Green Bay Packers
As the NFL’s only publicly-owned team, the Packers enjoy sellout after sellout due to the misconception that alcohol in the bloodstream raises body temperature. Attending a home game can be a daunting experience for an outsider, as the game itself is only tangentially related to the 8 annual meetings of the half-undressed, half-body painted team owners.

God help you if you manage to purchase an endzone seat and are called upon to help an intoxicated and winded Packer to his feet after a rare touchdown. While colorfully referred to as the “Lambeau Leap,” it really has about as much to do with acrobatics as my acid-addled crawl across the carpet has to do with my “dropped contact.”

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot fakes another injury to avoid embarrassment out on the court

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot fakes another injury to avoid embarrassment out on the court

Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks are a relatively uninteresting NBA franchise, whose collection of white locals who can’t jump are an embarrassment to a town that’s pretty hard to embarrass. Especially after this past New Years, when Milwaukee was caught pissing into Lake Michigan, just slightly after it drove its Neon into Iowa’s cornfields.

The Bucks enjoy competitive games with their Midwestern rivals including the Vancouver Grizzlies, the Minneapolis Lakers and the Dinkytown Fighting Whiteys.

Drunk as fuck

Drunk as fuck

Famous Citzens
No discussion of Wisconsin would be complete without a mention of their most famous inhabitants, Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney. These drunken and promiscuous roommates moved to Milwaukee during the Great Beer Rush of 1959 and were acquaintances of Arthur Fonzarelli, a young hoodlum who terrorized Arnold’s Drive-In with his leather jacket, boyish good looks and constant physical abuse of Arnold’s jukebox.

Miller: High on Life

Miller: High on Life

Quick Facts

State Bird– Scarlet Crested Combover (not to be confused with New York state bird, the Sean Puffy Combover)
State Haircut – the Trucker Hat
State Slogan – Happy Hour 5-9 PM! Kids drink free!
Soup of the Day – Cheese
State Flower – The, uh… hop
State Song – (Who Hasn’t Been) On Wisconsin!

-CLT

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Hey, Big Spender!

April 21, 2009

money-bag

As the government at all levels continues to look for those elusive revenue streams, the seem to ignore some very exploitable cash cows. Right now their focus seems to be on gas (higher taxes, per mile taxes) and, of course, the old punching bag, cigarettes.Every time I light up, I try to look past the additional $.70/pack I’m paying and instead focus on the inner city health care I’m apparently providing. It is important that the underprivileged youngsters stay healthy as nothing fucks up a successful crack operation faster than an asthmatic 10-year old who can’t do any heavy lifting or outrun the cops.

But as noted economist/delivery boy Philip J. Fry once said, “You can only take my money for so long, before you take it all!”

Some suggestions for additional taxes (“Now with 50% less representation!”):

pimp-daddy-purle 

Prostitution
I know that this will be a tough sell, what with our representatives being more used to whoring themselves out, but it might be a refreshing change to don the Purple Suede Hat of Pimping (+3) for awhile.

Think of the benefits. No more turf wars over the best corners. Healthier hoes. Excise taxes collected on “the deed.” Awesome higher tax bracket incomes. All above the table (income-wise, anyway) and all on the books. An additional chapter or two in public school health books. Fewer communicable diseases. Fewer beatings from pimps/johns. Law enforcement freed from punishing victimless crimes. Win-win all around.

And if your stable of rockstars would prefer to work for drugs, please see the next entry.

dope-wars

Drugs
Now here’s something the government is used to doing. Pushing. They shove public schools, subsidies, tax increases, hybrid vehicles, ethanol, warrantless wiretaps and thug-like airport security down our throats. Why not start pushing something the people want?

The benefits? No more throwing $50 billion+ down the k-hole. Tax on sales. Tax on purchases. Tax on supplies. Tax on dealer incomes (punish the rich). Fewer inmates means less of a tax drain on the public. (My apologies to those towns in the middle of nowhere who have used the burgeoning inmate population to outfit the local high school with a jumbotron and 30,000-seat stadium. Find another gravy train, leeches.) Cleaner, safer drugs. Cleaner, safer streets. Three or four new chapters in the health book. Child labor laws may need to be relaxed, though.

Disposable Bottles

Bottled Water
Perhaps the most redundant product ever created. The stuff is already overpriced and available thru your motherfucking tap. If people want to pay $1.29-1.69 per 20 oz. of dressed-up New Jersey tap water, then I doubt they’ll much care if they suddenly have to pay $1.69-2.09 a bottle. Especially if you tie the tax hike to some middle class guilt triggers, like Alaskan wilderness reserves, inner city schools or some such bullshit.

And let’s not forget the under-exploited rave crowd. While they’re enjoying your heavily-taxed Ecstasy, feel free to turn off the water fountains and bathroom taps and start raking in $6/bottle. All tax. All night long.

 the-simpsons-ed-begley

Hybrids
Since people are already purchasing these more for status than for any sound fiscal potential, add a couple of grand in taxes to the sticker price. State lotteries have already proven you can tax the ignorant. The downside to this is that lotteries, etc. tend to tax the lower classes, who have a finite supply of cash to throw away and tend to absorb at least as much tax as they provide.

Once again, it is time to soak the rich. And the reasonably well-off. And anyone else falling along the “Upper Middle Class Twit” tax bracket. Any purchase motivated by Ed Begley-esque self-satisfaction or white guilt can’t possibly be taxed enough.

425booze

Booze
Granted, this is taxed already. But is it taxed enough? No one’s allowed to light up within 200 feet of anywhere but you can still booze your way into a vehicular homicide charge without everyone coughing conspicuously or comparing you to Hitler. Secondhand smoke may kill, but it takes those years of the end of “innocent” people’s lives, rather than demanding it up front like a drunk driver coming through the living room window.

Besides, this whole sin tax on cigarettes reeks of hypocrisy.

Is it the health thing? It’s not ok to destroy your lungs, but it is ok to destroy your liver, kidneys and brain. Too much heart disease with the Marlboro men (and women)? What about all those gorging themselves into a lifelong case of diabetes before succumbing to massive heart failure?

Either tax the fuck out of everything harmful or don’t bother. You’re fooling no one. Besides, you may finally get those bitchy bar owners off your back by chasing out what’s left of their crowd with scarily high drink prices. Serves ’em right for trying to get ahead in America, the land of opportunity the level playing field.

-CLT