Archive for November, 2010

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: Diversion #1 featuring Lil Wayne vs. Deadmau5

November 30, 2010

Deadmau5 vs. Lil Wayne – Steady Ghostin (Mike D Remix).mp3

By request, here’s a track that is both a.) not in the Top 50 and b.) not even from 2010. (Well, technically it is, but Ghosts N Stuff predates this fine year of our Lord 2K10.) Those would be the only things “wrong” with this mashed-up masterpiece.

Take Deadmau5’s inescapable Ghosts N Stuff, which has been passed around more times than your sister.* Add Lil Wayne’s unhinged nasal braggadacio and you’ve got got yourself a dancefloor annihilator guaranteed to get everyone’s hands in the air and off your sister’s** ass.

This particular couplet never fails to make me grin like a grill-sportin’ fool:

Now, I’m the man around this motherfucker
I’m so hot you probably catch a tan around this motherfucker

* This, of course, does not refer to your sister, whose purity has never been assailed repeatedly at frat hourses, Bourbon Street, the supply closet, etc. Obviously this refers to other people’s promiscuous sisters (you know who you are) whose sexual partners are now nearing triple digits.
** Again, not your sister. We used the royal “your” to implicate specifically those people whose sisters have earned the nickname “Town Pump” or “Community Garden***.”
*** Because everyone’s deposited some seed there. It’s kind of a Biblical term. We’ve also heard “Cum Dumpster” bandied about, but that was from some known degenerates whose opinion is not to be trusted other than while attempting to purchase narcotics from said degenerates.
And don’t even think of bringing up politics or religion while making small talk during the weighing and packaging of said narcotics. There’s an hour-and-a-half of your life you won’t get back. An hour-and-a-half of non-drug-using life. Gun control discussions are pretty much the same kind of timesink only with the added dubious thrill of an impromptu display of loaded weapons by a coked-up, easily angered paranoiac in the “import/export” business.

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: ///▲▲▲\\\ – How They Kill You

November 30, 2010

33. ///▲▲▲\\\ – How They Kill You.mp3

If there’s symbols all over the fucking place, it can only mean one thing: it’s Witching time. ///▲▲▲\\\ (a.k.a. _v_o_i_d) takes us on a 2-minute dungeon crawl, layering menace all over a foundation of misfiring drum machines, distorted vocals and an oppressively hellish organ.

I’d say it’s not for the “faint of heart,” but if they can’t handle two minutes of this, they probably shouldn’t be out of bed, much less treading this deep into the internet.

The rest of the Top 50.

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: The Delta Mirror – He Was Worse Than the Needle He Gave You

November 29, 2010

34. The Delta Mirror – He Was Worse Than the Needle He Gave You.mp3

This caustic epitaph of a track fittingly wanders around the Antler’s funeral spray-covered end of the musical spectrum, chronicling a life better left unlived. The tune wears its heart on its sleeve, its pain on its chest and drags a corroded beat behind it like so many monkeys on a back already broken from hauling a compressed lifetime of emotional baggage.

In other words, quite a bit different than the dreamier pop we caught them doing last time.

More on the Mirror.

iMirrors.

The rest of Top 50.

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: Golden Ages – It Doesn’t Mean Shit

November 28, 2010

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35. Golden Ages – It Doesn’t Mean Shit.mp3

Fuck all the genre bullshit. Golden Ages is here to make some high-quality electronica and they’ll be damned if they need yer trusty “All Knowing Guide to Electronica Standards and Guidelines, 10th Edition” to “help” him along.

It’s a distorted to hell and back, flanged-up piece of electro-wonk (not to be confused with “-wank,” which is a Rick Wakeman side project), buzzing joyfully and noisily in your ears. Is that water trickling along in the background? And did I just hear the track title swing by with little fanfare? (Yes. And yes.)

Yeah. This shit’s Golden.

The rest of the Top 50.

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: Holy Fuck – Lucky

November 27, 2010

36. Holy Fuck – Lucky.mp3

Holy Fuck tighten things up on their third album, bringing more focus to their psychedelic percussive workouts. Lucky is a prime example of this: a scratching riff melds with some darting electronics, combining to form a killer musical mutation: half-robot, half-Tom Morello and half-Parliament Funkadelic.

This dubious mathematical equation then combines with half-buried vocals and a driving, building rhythm section to create a tune that sticks a foot in your door, asking for no more than 5 minutes of your time. By the time it’s all over, you’re the proud owner of a ridiculously expensive vacuum and a new religion.

The Holiest of Fucks at low, low prices!

The rest of the Top 50.

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: Record Eating Machines – Roover

November 26, 2010

37. Record Eating Machines – Roover.mp3

Both the track title and the production name are dead on. Nothing says “dancefloor wrecking ball” like Record Eating Machines and nothing says exactly what this sounds like more than the onomatopeic “Roover.” To be more specific, it sounds like this:

+

(starting about 30 seconds in…)

+

=

Bang on!

The rest of the Top 50.

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: The Vaselines – Ruined

November 25, 2010

38. The Vaselines – Ruined.mp3

Classic indie-era (read: the mid-’80s) popsters The Vaselines return after a 16+ year hiatus without missing a beat, putting all four right back on the fucking floor with this speedy, cynical romp that sounds like Boss Hogg and Imperial Teen engaging in a very noisy dry hump.

(Technically, they got back together in 2006. And they did release an album in 2009. But this is from their 2010 album and it’s a kickassic song, so we’ll just pretend the intro is fine the way it is.)

Buy some Vaseline here.

The rest of the Top 50.

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: Mater Suspiria Vision – The Afterlife

November 24, 2010

39. Mater Suspiria Vision – The Afterlife.mp3

One of the leading figures of the witch house/drag movement, Mater Suspiria Vision bring Dario Argento’s sturm-und-buckets-o’-blood sensibility to your ears. (And band member ℑ⊇≥◊≤⊆ℜ brings something resembling a Led Zeppelin album title, for whatever that’s worth.)

This is one of their less aggressive pieces, all unravelling keyboards with a fuzzy edge brushing up against stunted loops. Not exactly beach listening, but almost warm enough to keep family members from spontaneously bursting into prayer for your eternal soul.

(If it’s prayer you’re looking for, give ’em an earful of their Ghost of a Raver EP.)

More Visions here.

The rest of the Top 50.

-CLT

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A Quickstart Guide to Blogging with WordPress

November 23, 2010

Eyeball embedding - $29/year. Check under "Upgrades" on your Dashboard. (Use your good eye.)

Welcome to WordPress!

Starting with your first post, the future is today! There has never been a better time to be alive and have opinions, as our easy-to-use features will have you up and running in no time!

It’s time for you to set free those unedited (and unspellchecked) thoughts and start “bringing the noise,” WordPress-style! Are you ready to become part of our exclusive team of over 200 million bloggers?

[If the answer is “Yes!” please proceed.]

Excellent! We’ll just need a valid email address.

[Don’t have one? Well, no worries, Luddite. You’re still free to peruse our selection of 500+ million blogs (only one-third of which are abandoned) and view our inserted ads. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to actually “blog” and will be mocked incessantly by those who joined the 20th century back when it was still the 20th century.]

Naming Your Blog

Now that the confirmation is out of the way, you’re ready to begin! We’ve chosen your username as the default URL (laydeekillah64) but you can call your blog anything you want. Before you choose, you may want to consider your blog’s subject matter. Here are some ideas:

  • I like shopping!
  • I like CPM!
  • I have advice!
  • I know stuff!
  • I share music!*
  • I’m Wiccan!
  • I’m easily entertained!
  • I have ADD!
  • I’m not sure if I agree with your politics!
  • I don’t do research!
  • My mom thinks I’m funny!
  • ICP4EVAH!!1!
*Your blog has been deleted for Terms of Service violations! Thanks for playing!

Now that you’ve figured out what you want to write about (ICP4EVAH!!1!), it’s time to set your title (ICP4EVAH!!1!). Don’t worry. For maximum confusion, you can change this at any time via your header options.

Ah... "Default." Excellent choice.

Choosing a Theme

It’s time to choose a theme! We currently have hundreds to choose from, so feel free to spend the next several hours perusing them before settling on one of the five that are actually useful/attractive. Or just leave it set to the default (see above), which will give your blog that timeless “almost abandoned” look.

Getting Readers to Your Blog

Now that you’re (presumably) writing, it’s time to get some readers. After all, if no one’s reading your posts, then your blog (and, by extension, you) has no reason to exist. You have plenty of options available to get that Pageview ball rolling!

Oh, look! Over 350,000 "Observational Humour" blogs, 349,000 of which include zero instances of either "observations" or "humour."

Blog Catalog, Blogger, etc.

With a simple but complex signup routine, your new blog will now have the opportunity to be ignored by thousands of new readers, all of whom are loudly promoting their own blogs. By harnessing the collective power of hundreds of self-interested parties, you should be exchanging links with India-based new scrapers and shady Vietnamese porn sites in no time at all!

This cute little "Digger" symbolizes the thousands of users furiously burying your submission.

Digg

It may take some time to get your blog seen by this unfocused and rigged popularity contest, but if you manage to make the elusive front page, look out! Your page will soon be overrun with thousands of one-time visitors! Those few who choose to leave a comment will most likely point out that they’ve seen all of this before, usually several decades ago or caustically correct your grammatical errors. You may also find yourself completely out of bandwidth and on the receiving end of sternly worded messages from your hosting network. Fun, fun, fun!

The WordPress Dartboard O' Instant Noteriety

Freshly Pressed

Outside of Digg, nothing will give you a larger temporary stat boost than being “Freshly Pressed.” Our crack team of blogologists scan new posts daily, looking for new, exciting posts that meet our randomly enforced criteria.

If you should find yourself “Freshly Pressed,” brace yourself for an onslaught of new readers and commenters who will congratulate you on your “Freshly Pressed” status before wandering off to the “next ‘big thing’/link on the list,” leaving you feeling like a former child star whose Disney-propelled ship has suddenly sailed, thanks to the onset of adolescent ugliness.

Commenting

There is perhaps no easier way to get new “eyes” on your blog than through commenting. Visit other like-minded blogs and leave insightful/hilarious comments (see examples below). If other commenters are intrigued by your brilliant insight/humor, they need only to click on your name to visit your site.

  • “Insightful!”
  • “Great job!”
  • “Check out the blog!”
  • www.laydeekillah64.wordpress.com
  • “Hilarious!”
  • “You guys are soooooooo funny!!!!”
  • “LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!”
  • “Acai Berry Flavored Viagra Cheap!”
  • “I just wrote something dealing with this exact subject at my blog, only approaching it from the angle of writing about something completely different! Please click on my link!”

 

Conclusion

Now that you are armed with all the information you’ll ever need ever, get blogging! Remember these two adages:

– You’re only as good as your last post!
– The Internet abhors a vacuum!

Good luck!

-CLT

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Top 50 Tracks of 2010: #41-50

November 23, 2010

A quick consolidation of the first 10 picks, which oddly enough are the last 10 picks numerically. All links open in a new window.

The list so far:

50. Teddybears – Chrystal Meth Christian

“The track pushes 10 and the snarky double baiting of Christians and druggies draws a straight line between two forms of addiction.”

49. Finkielkrauts – Cocksucker No Blues

“…recalls the brattier moments of punks with seniority taking the next bus to post-…”

48. Grave Babies – Eating Babies

“…a washed-out masterpiece, built of waves of static and distorted instrumentation suggesting the last broadcast of man’s humanity, slowly disintegrating as it rides a decaying signal.”

47. Haunted Tiger – I’m a Mummy

“…a half-surfer, half-zombie juggernaut.”

46. Chemical Brothers – K+D+B

“…the Brothers redeem themselves with drums, drums and more drums…”

45. Humans – Mon Ton Ton

“…Robbie Slade’s deadpan vox makes you wish you were cool enough to hang with him and the sprightly electronic backing makes you wish you knew how to dance in a less embarassing fashion.”

44. Wise Blood – STRT SRNS

“…an underground chop shop of electronics, samples and good old fashioned soundbombing.”

43. Spider▲Webs – Do the Psycho

“…assembled from samples of ‘daft punk, house music and old movie trailers.’ Hey, whatever drowns out all the screaming.”

42. SALEM – King Night

“…an audio rendition of an apocalyptic midnight mass.”

41. †‡† – goth bb

“…post-industrial electronica that dwells at the deeper, deadlier end of the genre pool.”

-CLT