Dear Registered Voter:
With the election season upon us yet again, like an overaggressive and needy lover, I just wanted to take a few minutes of your time to ask for your support. This is my first race for the recently and tragically vacated city council seat, and as a long-time privileged outsider, I feel I have the qualifications need to fill this position.
I think I would prove to be a valuable addition to our city’s legislative team. Here are some of my past achievements which I believe will give me a “leg up” on my opponent, Tim Wilkins.
- All-district debate team alternate (Junior and Senior years).
- Co-promoter for 1998’s Mixed Doubles Ultimate Fighting Championship, whose proceeds went directly to local domestic violence shelters
- Sign waver #31 at last year’s Democratic National Convention
- Purchaser of over $1200 in bake sale goods (1987-present)
- Have watched Wag the Dog over a dozen times
- Once, while kind of tuned up and listening to Toby Keith on the jukebox, kicked a guy’s ass for questioning our country’s foreign policy decisions
- Voted twice in our most recent national election, thanks to a loophole in our town charter (a loophole I intend to close after this coming election)
- Extra-large trust fund makes me less susceptible to bribes or misuse of public funds, at least theoretically.
- That guy whose ass I kicked? My opponent, Tim Wilkins. A letter has been sent to his campaign headquarters requesting he change his slogan to: “Tim Wilkins: Talks Like a Commie; Hits Like a Girl”
While this powerful body of work should assure you that I am the man for the job, I would also like to take this opportunity to run down my stance on several important issues facing our 2,800 registered voters.
Proposed 4-way Stop at the Intersection of Willow and Pine
Despite the fact that I drive past this intersection daily on my way to the adult bookstore and have no desire to stop, much less slow down at this point, I think we cannot ignore the fact that there have been two (2) accidents in the last 31 years. Perhaps the last one was the most tragic, as a busful of children collided with another busful of smaller children. Fortunately there were no injuries (or witnesses), but it could have gone another way.
My vote: Yes on Prop. 127
Property Tax Hike Adjustment
As much as we would all like to see your taxes stay unchanged, pressing issues at the local school make a case for additional funding. Chief among these would be additional funds for the Music Department, which would free them from having to make the tough choice between new instruments or new uniforms.
Voting Yes on Prop. 131 would free district parents from either watching a band wearing nothing but their shiny new instruments or “listening” to a field full of smartly-dressed mimes.
My Vote: Yes on Prop. 131
Another “hot button” topic is the Baggy Pants Ban, which was put to a popular vote earlier this year. Although this bill passed with a healthy 69% of the vote, various interfering entities have stalled enforcement of said bill with claims that the bill itself is “unconstitutional.”
Unfortunately for those challenging the ordinance, the town charter contains many clauses and loopholes that allow the governing body to circumvent the U.S. Constitution altogether. For example, Article 12(a).2 states:
The Town’s governing body is encouraged to act as a ‘law unto itself’ and is not subject to overreaching legislation at the State or National level.
It also states that each elected official will be allowed to hold that office “for life,” subject only to “promotion/demotion, voter recall or vigilante justice.”
My Vote: Unchanged on Prop. 151 (a.k.a. the Baggy Pants Ban)
Thank you for your time and I hope that I can look forward to your vote in November.