[The following feature with Rob Van Winkle, a.k.a. Vanilla Ice has been edited for length and clarity.]
Word, dawgs. This is the original Iceman up in your internet. For reals, yo. I’m going to be talkin about some music today. Some music that might have borrowed something from another song. Like a melody line or hook or some words maybe. You know I had some trouble with this back in tha day, but we’re not gonna get into that. I want to drop some truth about some other bands or musicians who may be looking down the wrong end of a lawsuit or at least a beatdown. Nothin we can’t get taken care of with a lawyer in your pocket.
Let me get real for a second, yo. Things is tight so this internet thing is comin at just the right time. Shit just ain’t right these days. My comeback album, although not really a comeback coz I been here all along, but anyways, it kinda didn’t move many units at all. But from what I hear about the internet, this bitch is a money-making machine, just like Google and AOL and all that. So I’m gonna get serious on this shit and hopefully all y’all out there will be swarming to hear the Iceman drop some science on the music scene. I got a lot of years in the music biz to back this shit up. I was in movies and all that shit. Tapping Madonna’s ass before she got all kabbalish and british and whatever. Muthafuckin ninja turtles, yo. That was some tight shit.
[ed. – Long-winded recap of Van Winkle’s life up to this point continues for three more transcripted pages. Some high/lowlights include: disses of Everlast and 3rd Bass, discussion of the New Kids on the Block Reunion tour and speculation as to sexual orientation, tour plans, the genius of Methods of Mayhem and some additional unpublished lyrics for “Ninja Rap 3.”]
But back to the biz. Let’s take a listen.
First up we have Goblin with Tenebre. These guys are apparently from Italy, way the hell over in New Jersey. Sheeit. That’s mob country. Wonder if these guys ever had to whack a guy. Like if someone was skimming from the record label or like if the master tapes got stolen and shit. They’d be all bustin fools, putting caps in they asses. They’re tough, them mob guys.
We got some crazy shit here in the Miami hood. Fuckin Cubans with chainsaws and coke dealers with trannies for girlfriends and shit. This hood is tough, not like that pussy-ass 3rd bass college-boy shit. They all talk shit but they ain’t rappin on the big screen surrounded by ninja turtle breakdancers. It’s like they never knew I was getting some hot Madonna action. Bitches.
[ed. – 3rd Bass continues to be disparaged for 10-15 more minutes. Rob mentions Madonna, Ninja Turtles, “those asshole lawyers from Queen,” and some claims to being Eminem’s mentor.]
Word. Fresh track although it kinda just does the same thing over and over again. Next up is Justice with Phantom Part II.
These guys are from France. Fuck. Look at the hair on those dudes. I’m tellin you dawg, they got something in the water over there. And the women? No showering, no shaving. City of Love, my white Miami ass. Bro, I wouldn’t do them with Everlast’s dick and we all know he needs the action. Gots a fuckin guitar. The fuck. I could drink his Irish ass under the table.
I drink a lot now. 40’s, whatever. Booze helps me focus and shit. Got to slow down the braintrain or I get blown up, yo. Ideas flyin left and right. The comeback is happening, bro. I am getting my personal shit together and I will be on the road, giving the people what they really want. They all love Vanilla.
Hold on a sec. Phone… fuck. It’s my landlord. Hold on a sec.
Yeah, this is Rob.
Naw, I hear you, man. Shit’s gotta be paid.
I know. Naw, dawg I’m on your side. The shit is late but I will have it by Monday. Tuesday at the latest.
Yeah, for reals.
Look, I know the shit is late. I got some things going, you know? A lot of shit and it’s all in the air right now. It all be landing soon and as soon as it comes down I am there with the rent, dawg.
Thursday night. Friday morning at the latest.
Just some shit.
That noise on Tuesday? Dawg, I was at work. At 1 a.m.? Ohhhh…
That shit was some guys, yo. They woke me up screaming about some money and I didn’t know who they was lookin for. Some other guy. And then one dude just fuckin pissed on my rug!
You seen that? That’s some funny shit, bro. “It’s not me!” “Nobody fucks the Jesus!”
Fuck yeah. Who takes a fuckin handgun to go bowling?
Naw man. I’ll get it. In under a week.
So, Friday morning. I will see you then.
We should catch a flick sometime. We like the same shit.
Sorry bout that. Asshole is always on me about the rent. Every goddam month. He’s lucky I’m all peaceful and shit. Fuck his ass up. The streets is tough, yo. Fix his shit… Sheeit. Christ, I hope I got some weed left. I’m all fuckin tuned up now.
[ed. – 1 1/2 hours of downtime as Van Winkle gets weeded and watches the Cartoon Network.]
Let’s wrap this shit up. Should those Justice frogs get they asses sued by the Italians? Here’s the comparison for you.
Verdict: These two songs is like twins except that one’s got a like a lazy eye or something.
I say sue. Or get the mob into the mix.
Time to wrap this shit up. Gots to go tighten up before meeting with my lawyer. Gonna find out if some funds is coming from the TMNT remake. They had to be biting some shit of mine as I was the fuckin glue holding the original movie in place.