Archive for March, 2009

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Vanilla Ice Presents: Compare/Contrast/Sue

March 27, 2009
Ice fails shop class

Ice fails shop class

[The following feature with Rob Van Winkle, a.k.a. Vanilla Ice has been edited for length and clarity.]

Word, dawgs. This is the original Iceman up in your internet. For reals, yo. I’m going to be talkin about some music today. Some music that might have borrowed something from another song. Like a melody line or hook or some words maybe. You know I had some trouble with this back in tha day, but we’re not gonna get into that. I want to drop some truth about some other bands or musicians who may be looking down the wrong end of a lawsuit or at least a beatdown. Nothin we can’t get taken care of with a lawyer in your pocket.

Let me get real for a second, yo. Things is tight so this internet thing is comin at just the right time. Shit just ain’t right these days. My comeback album, although not really a comeback coz I been here all along, but anyways, it kinda didn’t move many units at all. But from what I hear about the internet, this bitch is a money-making machine, just like Google and AOL and all that. So I’m gonna get serious on this shit and hopefully all y’all out there will be swarming to hear the Iceman drop some science on the music scene. I got a lot of years in the music biz to back this shit up. I was in movies and all that shit. Tapping Madonna’s ass before she got all kabbalish and british and whatever. Muthafuckin ninja turtles, yo. That was some tight shit.

[ed. – Long-winded recap of Van Winkle’s life up to this point continues for three more transcripted pages. Some high/lowlights include: disses of Everlast and 3rd Bass, discussion of the New Kids on the Block Reunion tour and speculation as to sexual orientation, tour plans, the genius of Methods of Mayhem and some additional unpublished lyrics for “Ninja Rap 3.”]

But back to the biz. Let’s take a listen.

Goblin – Tenebre.mp3

First up we have Goblin with Tenebre. These guys are apparently from Italy, way the hell over in New Jersey. Sheeit. That’s mob country. Wonder if these guys ever had to whack a guy. Like if someone was skimming from the record label or like if the master tapes got stolen and shit. They’d be all bustin fools, putting caps in they asses. They’re tough, them mob guys.

We got some crazy shit here in the Miami hood. Fuckin Cubans with chainsaws and coke dealers with trannies for girlfriends and shit. This hood is tough, not like that pussy-ass 3rd bass college-boy shit. They all talk shit but they ain’t rappin on the big screen surrounded by ninja turtle breakdancers. It’s like they never knew I was getting some hot Madonna action. Bitches.

[ed. – 3rd Bass continues to be disparaged for 10-15 more minutes. Rob mentions Madonna, Ninja Turtles, “those asshole lawyers from Queen,” and some claims to being Eminem’s mentor.]

Word. Fresh track although it kinda just does the same thing over and over again. Next up is Justice with Phantom Part II.

Justice – Phantom Part II.mp3

These guys are from France. Fuck. Look at the hair on those dudes. I’m tellin you dawg, they got something in the water over there. And the women? No showering, no shaving. City of Love, my white Miami ass. Bro, I wouldn’t do them with Everlast’s dick and we all know he needs the action. Gots a fuckin guitar. The fuck. I could drink his Irish ass under the table.

I drink a lot now. 40’s, whatever. Booze helps me focus and shit. Got to slow down the braintrain or I get blown up, yo. Ideas flyin left and right. The comeback is happening, bro. I am getting my personal shit together and I will be on the road, giving the people what they really want. They all love Vanilla.

Hold on a sec. Phone… fuck. It’s my landlord. Hold on a sec.

Yo.
Yeah, this is Rob.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Naw, I hear you, man. Shit’s gotta be paid.
I know. Naw, dawg I’m on your side. The shit is late but I will have it by Monday. Tuesday at the latest.
Yeah, for reals.
Look, I know the shit is late. I got some things going, you know? A lot of shit and it’s all in the air right now. It all be landing soon and as soon as it comes down I am there with the rent, dawg.
Thursday night. Friday morning at the latest.
Just some shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That noise on Tuesday? Dawg, I was at work. At 1 a.m.? Ohhhh…
That shit was some guys, yo. They woke me up screaming about some money and I didn’t know who they was lookin for. Some other guy. And then one dude just fuckin pissed on my rug!
Yeah.
Really.
Oh.
You seen that? That’s some funny shit, bro. “It’s not me!” “Nobody fucks the Jesus!”
Hahahahaha.
Fuck yeah. Who takes a fuckin handgun to go bowling?
Naw.
Naw man. I’ll get it. In under a week.
So, Friday morning. I will see you then.
We should catch a flick sometime. We like the same shit.
Laters.

Sorry bout that. Asshole is always on me about the rent. Every goddam month. He’s lucky I’m all peaceful and shit. Fuck his ass up. The streets is tough, yo. Fix his shit… Sheeit. Christ, I hope I got some weed left. I’m all fuckin tuned up now.

[ed. – 1 1/2 hours of downtime as Van Winkle gets weeded and watches the Cartoon Network.]

Let’s wrap this shit up. Should those Justice frogs get they asses sued by the Italians? Here’s the comparison for you.

Verdict: These two songs is like twins except that one’s got a like a lazy eye or something.

I say sue. Or get the mob into the mix.

Time to wrap this shit up. Gots to go tighten up before meeting with my lawyer. Gonna find out if some funds is coming from the TMNT remake. They had to be biting some shit of mine as I was the fuckin glue holding the original movie in place.

Peace.

http://www.vanillaice.com

-CLT

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Creation: The Real Story

March 24, 2009
God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

Before the flamewars start, we’re not here to debate evolution vs. creation. We’re not discussing whether this happened, but rather whether it is recorded correctly in the Word of God (as written by Man). This translation issue (as a God/Man dictionary was unavailable) was further compounded by the obsolete vernacular in which it was written.

The world was not created in seven days.

Seven is a nice, magical number used by a variety of religions as a “holy” or “good” number. Some creative license was taken here to shoehorn the actual length into something inspiring that looks good on a felt board.

The universe was actually created in seven business days. Its creation actually coincided with a long holiday weekend which gave God closer to ten days to get the job done. God actually rested from Friday to Monday, strolling in around 10 am to get the job done by Wednesday. This was tightened up by early scholars to seven days so that Sunday (and occasionally, Saturday) could be taken off for religious reasons, particularly during the football season.

Earth’s original placement was farther from the sun.

During God’s test run of the solar system, Earth was much closer to Mars. The additional distance from the Sun (originally planned to rotate around Earth before catastrophic initial testing) caused what was retroactively referred to as the “Ice Age” and wiped out the dinosaurs. God checked in to find most of his original occupants dead (bummer) and was recorded as saying, “Jesus, it’s cold.” Adjustments were made.

Alien races were created before man.

Most alien races preceded man and were used to beta test Earth during the critical adjustment period. Among the comments left by testers of Earth v. 0.1.1.b:

1. Where all the white women at?
2. Jesus, it’s cold.
3. Clipping issues.
4. Nowhere to insert probes.
5. Sniper needs to be nerfed.
6. Will there be a map creator in the final version?

The Bermuda Triangle is a glitch.

A miscalculation of the circumference and surface area of the earth caused this area to be stretched and quickly stitched together (at great expense). The name was changed from “God’s Folly” to “Devil’s Triangle” to defer blame to Satan, who was hastily created, briefly adored and unceremoniously kicked out.

The creation process was one of many plans for earth’s startup.

God considered many other business models before adopting his pet strategy as the Universe’s original micromanager. Other plans included:

1. Turtles all the way down.
2. A series of inhabited flat discs.
3. Evolution.
4. One of every species with a universal penis adaptor for variety.
5. Some sort of huge explosion.
6. The “Deep South” plan comprising of years of inbreeding.
7. Half-sharkalligator, half-man race
8. All apologists, all the time.
9. Noah to helm franchise reboot after Joel Schumacher’s disastrous run.

As is usual with creation discussions, more questions have been raised than answers. Feel free to consult your local religious radio station for some pamphlets or talk to the many unattractive and angry protesters outside your local abortion clinic for more information.

-CLT

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The Charlie Brown Reboot

March 22, 2009

millerbrown-copy

After 50+ years, Chuck gets his image toughened up, Miller-style. (via)

-CLT

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My 2nd-to-Last Will and Testament

March 22, 2009
funeral-home1

CLT's funeral. Not pictured: friends, family.

In the unlikely event that I should die, the executors of the Capitalist Lion Tamer estate have been instructed to use as many of the following phrases during contruction of my full-page (minimum) obituary. Feel free to suggest others as I continue to taunt fate and whatever by restating that I am definitely not planning on dying anytime soon.

Jobs/Hobbies/Accomplishments

– “puppet wrangler”
– “harpsichord enthusiast”
– “fearless disregard of GAAP”
– “superstar DJ”
– “inventor of the Sex-Mo-Tron”
-“known phlebotomist”
– “…blatantly homoerotic action films”
– “…abuse of line-item vetoes”
– “…army of mutated, rabid house pets”
– “treasured music archivist”
– “robber baron”
– “foremost expert on tooth decay”
– “…massive collection of recalled foods”
– “Public Enemy hype man”
– “alleged father of octuplets”
– “…multiple public indecency arrests”

Survived by:

– “his wife of 200 years”
– “the entire population of the world”
– “known mob associates”
– “his massive, but pointless, mp3 collection”
– “his archnemesis: Top 40 radio”
– “suspected homosexual Kenny Chesney”
– “the Notorious B.I.G.”
– “millions of grieving fans”
– “his mutated, rabid ‘petting zoo'”
– “a massive collection of obsolete drug paraphenalia”
– “his bloated ego”
– “bastard octuplets”

Possible Causes of Death

– “accidental discharge during weekly justin.tv broadcast: ‘Gun Safety and You'”
– “complications due to smoke inhalation, third degree burns after discovering that only HE could prevent forest fires”
– “crushed under weight of own genius; rapid pet elephant”
– “careless miscalculation during Sex-Mo-Tron stress testing”
– “extraterrestrial encounter with Killer Klowns”
– “actual cause of death unknown; possible Keyser Soze-related”
– “life taken by IRS agents in exchange for $1.2 million in back taxes”
– “ELF firebombing”
– “shootout with pre-cog strike team”

Various Funeral/Wake Instructions

– “body available for viewing at random locations sent via GPS”
– “body to be cremated before donation to Johns Hopkins University with instructions to ‘Fix THAT, brainiac!'”
– “those attending with small children are asked to sit near the back, or preferably, at home”
– “bar opens at 4 pm; drunken, violents arguments to begin at 7 pm”
– “passive-agressive reading of will at 8 am following day”
– “Among the musical selections to be played at the wake: Aer Obama by Daft Punk, selections from Now Music vols. 16, 17 and 21, the Melvin’s first three albums in entirety. Rob Van Winkle will perform Turtle Rap to close out the night.”
– “Mob associates will provide a pre-funeral ‘shakedown’ session. Bring cash.”
– “Attendees are encouraged to be measured for a coffin in foyer by ghoulish funeral home employee wearing sleeve garters an a bowler.”
– “Applause to be held until the end of the scheduled service. Sarcastic applause to be held indefinitely.”
– “Those in attendance who have confused ‘epitath’ with ‘epithet’ will be presented with complimentary ‘Fucking Asshole’ tombstone, dictionary…”
– “Likewise, those confusing ‘incentive’ with ‘invective’ will be presented with Hooked on Phonics Vol. 1, union representative position.”
– “Attendees’ narcolepsy claims will be investigated and punished.”

-CLT

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Your Window to Weight Gain

March 20, 2009

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The 30,000-calorie sandwich, perfect for dangerously underweight individuals, such as yourself.

Via This Is Why You’re Fat, where everything is either a.) deep fried or b.) bacon.

-CLT

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Your Government Hates You and is Quite Possibly Trying to Kill You

March 7, 2009

Everyone is looking for a solution to our out-of-control health care costs. The moment someone comes up with such a plan, the state (with some urging from large insurance companies, no doubt) is there to shut it down. I guess we’ll have to wait until their subsidized and throughly crippled health plan marginalizes our level of hospital care down to a government-approved system of full waiting rooms and substandard care. Like all the fun of a rectal exam crossed with the average DMV visit.

From the article: (via)

The state is trying to shut down a New York City doctor’s ambitious plan to treat uninsured patients for around $1,000 a year.

Dr. John Muney offers his patients everything from mammograms to mole removal at his AMG Medical Group clinics, which operate in all five boroughs. “I’m trying to help uninsured people here,” he said.

His patients agree to pay $79 a month for a year in return for unlimited office visits with a $10 co-pay.

But his plan landed him in the crosshairs of the state Insurance Department, which ordered him to drop his fixed-rate plan – which it claims is equivalent to an insurance policy.

Muney insists it is not insurance because it doesn’t cover anything that he can’t do in his offices, like complicated surgery. He points out his offices do not operate 24/7 so they can’t function like emergency rooms … “I’m just providing my services at my place during certain hours.”

He says he can afford to charge such a small amount because he doesn’t have to process mountains of paperwork and spend hours on billing.

“If they leave me alone, I can serve thousands of patients,” he said.

-CLT

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CLT’s Hand-Cranked Quote Machine v.4

March 7, 2009
"Not" a crook

"Graceful Exit"

This should be the final quotes post. For now. If you would like a transcript of these posts, please send $29.95 (American or Zimbabwean currency only, please) to:

Capitalist Lion Tamer Holding Co.
d/b/a Amalgamated Spats
3431 Annex B Road, Suite 42
LaBrea, CA  92071

Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery from DHL Pony Express.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Brendan Gill

Ah, love. The walks over soft grass, the smiles over candlelight, the arguments over just about everything else.
Max Headroom

Marriage succeeds love as smoke does a flame.
Nicholas Chamfort

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
Kin Hubbard

There are two kinds of music – good music and bad music. Good music is the music I want to hear. Bad music is music that I don’t want to hear.
Fran Lebowitz

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