TV party tonight! TV party tonight! We’ve got nothing better to do, than watch TV all afternoon long with only our many cats and boxes of wine for company.
(Please note that this crass generalization was made for comic effect. I am only insinuating that soap opera fans are lonely people with several cats and a drinking problem.)
This week on the All My Children
Erica is traded to The Young and the Restless for $30,000 in cash and a player to be named later. Leo lights cigar, puts feet on desk and stares at the ceiling. Maggie is surprised to see the Dow is off in mixed trading. Leo’s evil twin surfaces; is dismissed as a tired plot device. Zach celebrates the Chinese New Year by ordering some takeout; blowing up several small office buildings. Kendall’s suicide attempt doesn’t “take,” leading to some uncomfortable conversations with those she singled out in her suicide note. Greenlee wins second prize in a beauty contest, which she immediately applies to her mortgage on Baltic Avenue.
This week on One Life to Live
Agnes’ decision to buy a new hat results in a domestic disturbance call. Amanda blames her latest affair on “gout complications.” Bo instigates a brawl with the phrase, “I’m all out of bubblegum;” spends the next 20 minutes getting the shit kicked out of him in the alley. Blair trips over some dialogue; accidentally breaks fourth wall. In a very special episode, Cole discovers it is better to give than to receive, especially in regards to “donkey punches.” Langston’s increasing friction with the writers results in him lapsing into an indefinite catatonic state. Charlie finally receives State Food Safety Certification; celebrates with a case of Old Milwaukee, salmonella. Natalie confronts her birth parents about their suddenly convoluted backstory.