Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

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A Letter to Voters

October 12, 2009
"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

Dear Registered Voter:

With the election season upon us yet again, like an overaggressive and needy lover, I just wanted to take a few minutes of your time to ask for your support. This is my first race for the recently and tragically vacated city council seat, and as a long-time privileged outsider, I feel I have the qualifications need to fill this position.

I think I would prove to be a valuable addition to our city’s legislative team. Here are some of my past achievements which I believe will give me a “leg up” on my opponent, Tim Wilkins.

  • All-district debate team alternate (Junior and Senior years).
  • Co-promoter for 1998’s Mixed Doubles Ultimate Fighting Championship, whose proceeds went directly to local domestic violence shelters
  • Sign waver #31 at last year’s Democratic National Convention
  • Purchaser of over $1200 in bake sale goods (1987-present)
  • Have watched Wag the Dog over a dozen times
  • Once, while kind of tuned up and listening to Toby Keith on the jukebox, kicked a guy’s ass for questioning our country’s foreign policy decisions
  • Voted twice in our most recent national election, thanks to a loophole in our town charter (a loophole I intend to close after this coming election)
  • Extra-large trust fund makes me less susceptible to bribes or misuse of public funds, at least theoretically.
  • That guy whose ass I kicked? My opponent, Tim Wilkins. A letter has been sent to his campaign headquarters requesting he change his slogan to: “Tim Wilkins: Talks Like a Commie; Hits Like a Girl”

While this powerful body of work should assure you that I am the man for the job, I would also like to take this opportunity to run down my stance on several important issues facing our 2,800 registered voters.

Proposed 4-way Stop at the Intersection of Willow and Pine
Despite the fact that I drive past this intersection daily on my way to the adult bookstore and have no desire to stop, much less slow down at this point, I think we cannot ignore the fact that there have been two (2) accidents in the last 31 years. Perhaps the last one was the most tragic, as a busful of children collided with another busful of smaller children. Fortunately there were no injuries (or witnesses), but it could have gone another way.

My vote: Yes on Prop. 127

Property Tax Hike Adjustment
As much as we would all like to see your taxes stay unchanged, pressing issues at the local school make a case for additional funding. Chief among these would be additional funds for the Music Department, which would free them from having to make the tough choice between new instruments or new uniforms.

Voting Yes on Prop. 131 would free district parents from either watching a band wearing nothing but their shiny new instruments or “listening” to a field full of smartly-dressed mimes.

My Vote: Yes on Prop. 131

Anti-Sag Legislation
Another “hot button” topic is the Baggy Pants Ban, which was put to a popular vote earlier this year. Although this bill passed with a healthy 69% of the vote, various interfering entities have stalled enforcement of said bill with claims that the bill itself is “unconstitutional.”

Unfortunately for those challenging the ordinance, the town charter contains many clauses and loopholes that allow the governing body to circumvent the U.S. Constitution altogether. For example, Article 12(a).2 states:

The Town’s governing body is encouraged to act as a ‘law unto itself’ and is not subject to overreaching legislation at the State or National level.

It also states that each elected official will be allowed to hold that office “for life,” subject only to “promotion/demotion, voter recall or vigilante justice.”

My Vote: Unchanged on Prop. 151 (a.k.a. the Baggy Pants Ban)

Thank you for your time and I hope that I can look forward to your vote in November.

-CLT

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The Audacity of the Same Old Shit

October 8, 2009
Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

As many of you may have noticed, I am way less than thrilled with the current President. It’s not so much the man in the office. He’s just another career politician. It’s what he could have been and how quickly he sold out. Here’s a rather lengthy rundown on why I’m sick of Obama.

Let’s start out at the beginning. Obama is chosen as the candidate for the Democratic party after an extended bitchfest with Hillary Clinton. Clinton makes some odd moves like making up stories about being shot at while out with her husband (the current President) in a hostile nation. What bearing this has on the race is moot, as she is not in the running anymore.

As this event occurs, an amazing groundswell movement takes up the torch for Obama, consisting mainly of uninformed citizens whose voting records would be considered spotty at best and “I last voted when MTV was rocking the vote” at worst.

Everybody wants to get on the bandwagon. Time Magazine spends the entire race publishing one public display of affection after another. Everyone on the internet talks about how “energized” and “hopeful” they are. Even the largely apolitical music blogs I visit start posting adoring articles and spicing up their usual clubland pics with the occasional Obama poster.

So at this point, I’m on guard already. If nothing else, life has taught me that large groups of people who agree on something are generally wrong. (Case in point, Nickelback has sold 30 million albums.)

But let’s look at his opposition. Obama already has most of the country eating out of his hand and McCain is busy running his campaign with all the grace of a 300-lb. club-footed ballerina.

McCain’s campaign was rife with stupid moves like running off on the high road mid-race to get a handle on the shitty economy (“We have no time to campaign! We need to serve the people!“) only to reappear roughly minutes later on the campaign trail (“Fuck the people! I’ve got a race to win! Vote for me in November, people!“).

At the Republican National Convention, McCain decides to outplay the race card by grabbing himself the nearest woman to serve as VP. (“I see your black guy and raise you one woman.”)

By this time the election should have been called on account of candidate ineptitude. McCain clearly wasn’t going to win. And he certainly didn’t deserve to. Throwing him into office would have been like tossing your car keys to Vince Neil.

Obama coasted to victory and claimed the throne. Originally it was just the presidency but the entire world seemed to approve of it so his title was upgraded.

[Full disclosure: I did not vote for Obama. I did not vote for McCain. I sat this one out because write-in candidates (Batman) generally receive less than 4% of the popular vote (Alan Keyes).]

So now we only had a few short months until a young, vigorous black smoker took the helm. I thought, “Well, this is different. Let’s see how this plays out. Maybe he will shake things up with his vitality, charm and second-hand smoke.” If nothing else, it wouldn’t be four more years of being fucked while wrapped in the American flag.

And then he lost me.

Even though he wasn’t officially in office, he made it a point to nudge Bush in the ribs (hard) to get that Big Three bailout money rolling. This happened on November 10th, less than a week after his election.

“Hook a brother up,” he said, referring not to himself, but rather his fine union brothers whose corruption and greed had brought their employers to the brink of bankruptcy. And as RF Interference pointed out, bankruptcy means ditching the union, so that obviously wasn’t acceptable. (“It isn’t.” – Michael Moore)

That was the beginning of the end.

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Letters to the Editor

August 14, 2009
Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

In our endless efforts to collect as much useless information as possible, our research team at Fancy Plans has compiled the letters to the editor from nearly 300 major newspapers (including AP, those litigious motherfuckers). After several days of sifting data and making shit up, the final tallies rolled in.

We now present you with the most common topics for letters to the editor, listed in order from most common to least common. There’s no need to thank us. Your slightly drunken smiles are all the payment our abused interns need.

Questioning periodical’s political leanings
Abortion rights (against)
Abortion rights (for)
Low voter turnout
Gun control (for)
Gun control (against)
Gun control (undecided)
Gay marriage (against)
Gay marriage (for)
Gay marriage announcements

Taxes (too high)
Taxes (too low – gasoline)
Taxes (too low – cigarettes)
Taxes (too low – porn)
Taxes (drunken rambling about the price of cigarettes and porn)
Taxes (pro-Tea Party)
Taxes (anti-Tea Party)
Taxes (Biggest and Best State evar!) 

How the old days were better
Reckless driving (teens)
Reckless driving (elderly)
Calls for a four-way intersection to be installed directly in front of writer’s house
Why did the library stop “renting” videotapes?

City councilman baiting 

Oil prices too high
Oil prices too low (Al Gore; Prius dealers only)
Why ethanol is a waste of money
Why ethanol is the best thing since overpriced produce

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

Congratulations for all involved at poorly-attended local event
Complaints about low turnout at poorly-attended local event
Why “X” needs more public money for “Y”
Why property taxes need to be raised
Public school suxx
Public school roxx
Public school = free babysitting!

Complaints about public’s ignorance of obscure nationality-specific quasi-holiday
Inappropriate language in PG movie
Inappropriate language at local baseball game
Inappropriate language at Denny’s

Conspiracy theories (birth certificate)
Conspiracy theories (Sept. 11)
Conspiracy theories (Billy Mays + Freemasons + U.N. + Grand Theft Auto IV = Four Horseman of the Apocalypse)
Conspiracy theories (My two apartment neighbors are stealing my paper, alternating days)

Astroturf grab bag

Church attendance (too low)
Church attendance (too high – c’mon folks, chip in. The folding chairs won’t pay for themselves.)
Utility bills (too high)
Utility bills (conspiracy theory crossovers)
Utility infielder (Mark Bellhorn)

Disagreements about Top 50 Songs of the New Millennium (misdirected from Spin magazine?)
Griping about lack of support for piss poor local team
Unruly zoo animals
Lists of platitudes
Drunken tirades
Inexplicable defenses of Liz Taylor; Diana Ross

Medicare Plan B not covering brand name medication, 14K Gold MedicAlert bracelets, Enzyte
Medicare Plan B not covering jack shit, apparently
I’m sorry. Could you speak up? I’m a little hard of hearing.

The bad service the writer got at local business no one gives a shit about
Not enough handicapped parking spaces at local business no one gives a shit about
Owner of local business that no one gives a shit about defending lack of parking spaces, jackass employees and begging people to please, please, please start giving a shit

Concern about lack of coverage given to issue near and dear to only the writer
Irritable letter displaying the writer’s false sense of entitlement
Pointlessly bitchy letter in response to large number of recent pointlessly bitchy letters
Wandering, pointless letters about cats, landscaping issues, Mad Dog 20/20, etc.
Letter from Mom (put in wrong envelope)

Well written, thought-provoking letters

-CLT

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CLT’s Hand-Cranked Quote Machine v.4

March 7, 2009
"Not" a crook

"Graceful Exit"

This should be the final quotes post. For now. If you would like a transcript of these posts, please send $29.95 (American or Zimbabwean currency only, please) to:

Capitalist Lion Tamer Holding Co.
d/b/a Amalgamated Spats
3431 Annex B Road, Suite 42
LaBrea, CA  92071

Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery from DHL Pony Express.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Brendan Gill

Ah, love. The walks over soft grass, the smiles over candlelight, the arguments over just about everything else.
Max Headroom

Marriage succeeds love as smoke does a flame.
Nicholas Chamfort

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
Kin Hubbard

There are two kinds of music – good music and bad music. Good music is the music I want to hear. Bad music is music that I don’t want to hear.
Fran Lebowitz

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