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The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet 18

December 19, 2009

When I think Sonnet 18, I think goatees and arm hair.

A new generation of children are now surfing the internet, often without a moral compass. Who will help steer these youngsters toward education and edification? The TMZ’s of the world? AO-fucking-L?

Never let it be said that Fancy Plans didn’t “think of the children,”  as we proudly present the legendary works of Shakespeare (current record-holder: Most Required Reading List Appearances) in their mostly original glory.

Oh, and FJ practically dared me to do it. So there’s that. Enjoy.

Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and slightly less humid:
Unless we speak of Arizona,
In which case, thou art a triple-digit dry heat:

Quoth the Bard, Bob Dylan,
The times they are a-changin’,
But not for Arizona,
Where time stands still twice a year:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer’s lease hath been violated:
Perhaps with noise complaints,
Perhaps with bathtub meth explosions:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And rends my skin from the bones with chemical burns:

And every fair from fair sometime declines,
Due to wandering tweakers and cinder-block’d Camaros:
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d,
Much like the lawn and hedges:
And thyself, truth be told,
I shall off to the Walgreens for an Epi-lady:

But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Like Macauly Culkin from the public mind;
Resurfacing in familial lawsuits and unbidden dreams,
Where was I?
Oh, yes…

Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
$200 cash; dealers don’t take checks,

Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
He’s off to check Pete Doherty’s pulse for the thousandth time,
And when he returns, he’ll need a nap,
And a beer:
And so shall I

Shall I seduce thee with a selection from my LiveJournal,
I’ve borrowed a bit from the past but altered it slightly;

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee

Beautiful, isn’t it?
I see your eyes are misty and your guard is down:
Shall we to the old man’s Ford?
Or mayhap behind the bushes?
Not so much the cellar,
Because locking door or not,
Your parents are light-sleepers;
And heavily armed:

Perhaps one more from my LiveJournal before we retire:

Face down, ass up
That’s the way we like to fuck
.”

-CLT

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13 comments

  1. You sparked some serious flashbacks, CLT, bringing me back to an eccentric Harvard grad Shakespeare Professor at the University of Rhode Island, pedaling his crazy ass bike to class, suitcoat jacket flapping like a penguin.

    I unearthed some angry notes from him while cleaning the attic last month, from when I bombed his little “surprise” quiz during yet another massive hangover, writing stuff like:

    To be, or not to be, or just maybe . . . and by opposing end them. To die, to sleep— perchance to die sleeping, like Hendrix, choking on regurgitated PBR and Wild Turkey, quote the turkey “Nevermore . . .”

    Good times, back then. Good times. Thanks for a hysterical rendering, CLT! Now I’m flashing back to Arizona . . . whoa . . .


    • Good stuff there, Dan. Always a good idea to tweak the academics, especially if they insist on riding a bike to class.

      Nothing like a surprise quiz as a quick classroom breathalyzer. Still, there’s something to be said for improv.

      Have fun flashing back to Arizona. Now that it’s December, the temperatures should be down to the low 90s.


  2. The greatest compliment I could give you Capitalist is that I would love to have you deliver my eulogy. I know you would do a damn fine job and have everyone howling at the end. So much so that no one would care that I died. You are a literary god.

    P.S. So glad you didn’t bastardize my favorite sonnet (# 29):-)


    • Funny you should mention that. I’ve actually got my eulogy/obituary planned out.

      Feel free to use any of these in your estate planning.

      https://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2009/03/22/my-2nd-to-last-will-and-testament/

      Thanks for the compliments, elizabeth. Call me from beyond the grave if the offer still stands.


    • I was howling at “crushed under weight of own genius” and “fix THAT, brainiac.” If Rob Van Winkle is performing, I will definitely be there (TL still snorts over my “love” for Vanilla Ice…I was mostly impaired during his reign).


  3. I’m telling you, this stuff is like literary panty-remover for the “Verbally-Adept with Somewhat Lowered Expectations”. Get a book of these out by Valentine’s Day and I guarantee you’ll be rolling in the “proverbial dough”.

    (Don’t think to hard about that last phrase because really, it makes no sense. I just added the quotations in there to “make it pop”.)

    Brilliant stuff, CLT. (btw, “brilliant is the new kickass, which was formerly the new brilliant)

    ps. Thanks for the new ringtone!


    • “literary panty-remover”

      I think bschooled is on to something (so jealous I didn’t think of that first).


    • Thanks, bschooled.

      I’m beginning to wonder how many food safety violations I’ll be racking up by rolling in the “proverbial dough” just to “make it pop.” I’m also wondering what exactly it is that I’m making. Literary panty-remover?

      Great to see you, bschooled. Be sure and sing along to your new ringtone. It brings all the boys to the yard.


  4. It really is a dry heat. Is this an ode to Claire and her Arizona, Shakespearian lifestyle? What doth thou thinkith Shakespeare’s comment would be on Fancy Plans?


    • It is somewhat an ode to that, RR, especially the first few stanzas.

      I would imagine Shakespeare would take it all in good stride by firing off Ye Olde Lawsuite.


  5. My bad for being late to a party I asked for. Typical.

    But still, awesome stuff CLT. I think I’ll get a tweed jacket with elbow patches and a pipe and be a total asshole at our Xmas party.

    Thanks man.


    • The party never ends here, FJ. We just rotate partygoers like out-of-date milk.

      You’ll be kicking so much academic ass in that ensemble that no one will notice your complete assholishness. Or gaudy sequins.

      Great to see you, FJ.


  6. […] The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet XLIV March 5, 2010 Remember the first edition of The Amplified Shakespeare? How it seemed like it would just be another “one-and-done,” enjoyable for a moment or […]



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