Archive for December 10th, 2009

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Your Vehicle’s Warranty

December 10, 2009

Our faceless technicians will happily jam black lines into your featureless engine for $75-120/hr.

If there’s anything nobody really wants to do, it’s reading the fine print. You’d be amazed and possibly grief-stricken by the amount of responsibility waiving inserted into the average warranty coverage by most major auto companies.

Below lies the “fine print” of the average 5 Year/50,000 Mile vehicle warranty, all blown up into a slightly less fine print for easier consumption.

Thank you for your purchase of this [fine American vehicle of your choice]. Your vehicle comes standard with a 5 Year/50,000 Mile Bumper-to-Bumper Warranty, which covers all parts and labor* on any repairs** needed during the coverage period. Please view the details below for full terms of coverage.

* “Parts” excludes the following:

  • Shop use items
  • Third-party replacement parts
  • Replacement of parts in serviceable condition (“Serviceable” means usable or not totally broken parts that could conceivably last through the end of the warranty period.)
  • Expensive parts (“Expensive” means any parts whose cost is above $75. Additional note: all parts sold through our dealerships are over $75. Yes, that includes belts, hoses and valve stems.)
  • Routine wear-and-tear parts (Including but not limited to filters, belts, batteries, tires, rims, brake pads, transmissions, carburetors, fuel injection systems, etc. Safe rule of thumb: if it’s in motion when you’re driving, it will wear and tear.)
  • After-market products
  • Parts subject to recall
  • Replacements for recalled parts or any part requiring over four (4) hours to install
  • Wiper blades

Labor” excludes:

  • any labor charged at a rate higher than $15/hr.
  • any labor exceeding minimum labor charge (usually 0.5-1.0 hours)
  • any labor performed by non-certified technicians
  • any labor performed by your brother-in-law or uncle (with or without certification)
  • any labor performed by certified technicians if done on a/an a.) weekend, b.) evening or c.) Tuesday

Pending verification of eligibility, labor charges will be held in a “Disputed” status until such labor dispute is settled by appointed UAW official. Settlements will be delivered by a/an a.) threatening late-night phone call, b.) brick through your living room window or c.) slashing of said vehicle’s tires. (Note: Slashed tires are not covered by your warranty. See “Mob Violence and Street Riot Exemptions” for more information.)

Work performed by anthropomorphic funnels is NOT covered by your warranty.

** “Any repairs” does not cover:

  • Routine maintenance***
  • Body work
  • Windshield replacement
  • Any repair performed due to improper driving habits or vehicular abuse (See “Improper Driving/Vehicular Abuse” below.)

*** Uncovered “Routine Maintenance” includes any of the following:

  • Oil change
  • Tire rotation and balance
  • Engine fire
  • Lube job
  • Shock and strut replacement
  • Unexpected removal of catalytic converter
  • Major overhauls
  • Tuneups
  • Transmission problems
  • Catastrophic failure
  • Windshield replacement
  • Burning/burnt engine
  • Lights
  • Leaks
  • Recall-related repairs
  • Offset head-on collisions
  • Rapture

Another "certified" technician prepares to violate your vehicle, its warranty and your trust, roughly in that order.

Improper Driving/Vehicular Abuse” includes the following:

  • Speeding (including “going downhill” and “trying to make the light”)
  • Sharp turns
  • Emergency brake usage during non-emergencies
  • Sex in front or back seat (trunk and hood covered for total combined weight not exceeding 350 lbs.)
  • Leaving vehicle on while “running in for something”
  • More than 12 regular/bright headlight cycles
  • Signalling without turning
  • Generating more tha 150 foot-pounds of torque during acceleration
  • Backing vehicle into parking space
  • “Killing” engine due to improper shifting
  • Waving at oncoming drivers
  • Rolling down window to speak to driver/passengers of other vehicles
  • High-speed pursuits
  • Low-speed pursuits
  • On-foot pursuits
  • Using more than 10 foot-pounds of torque to close door/hood/trunk
  • “Ricing up” said vehicle through the addition of ground effects, spoilers and decals
  • Having vehicle urinated on by Calvin
  • Complaining about gas mileage
  • Failure to respect rules of engagement in Ford-Chevy rivalries

-CLT

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