Our faceless technicians will happily jam black lines into your featureless engine for $75-120/hr.
If there’s anything nobody really wants to do, it’s reading the fine print. You’d be amazed and possibly grief-stricken by the amount of responsibility waiving inserted into the average warranty coverage by most major auto companies.
Below lies the “fine print” of the average 5 Year/50,000 Mile vehicle warranty, all blown up into a slightly less fine print for easier consumption.
Thank you for your purchase of this [fine American vehicle of your choice]. Your vehicle comes standard with a 5 Year/50,000 Mile Bumper-to-Bumper Warranty, which covers all parts and labor* on any repairs** needed during the coverage period. Please view the details below for full terms of coverage.
* “Parts” excludes the following:
- Shop use items
- Third-party replacement parts
- Replacement of parts in serviceable condition (“Serviceable” means usable or not totally broken parts that could conceivably last through the end of the warranty period.)
- Expensive parts (“Expensive” means any parts whose cost is above $75. Additional note: all parts sold through our dealerships are over $75. Yes, that includes belts, hoses and valve stems.)
- Routine wear-and-tear parts (Including but not limited to filters, belts, batteries, tires, rims, brake pads, transmissions, carburetors, fuel injection systems, etc. Safe rule of thumb: if it’s in motion when you’re driving, it will wear and tear.)
- After-market products
- Parts subject to recall
- Replacements for recalled parts or any part requiring over four (4) hours to install
- Wiper blades
“Labor” excludes:
- any labor charged at a rate higher than $15/hr.
- any labor exceeding minimum labor charge (usually 0.5-1.0 hours)
- any labor performed by non-certified technicians
- any labor performed by your brother-in-law or uncle (with or without certification)
- any labor performed by certified technicians if done on a/an a.) weekend, b.) evening or c.) Tuesday
Pending verification of eligibility, labor charges will be held in a “Disputed” status until such labor dispute is settled by appointed UAW official. Settlements will be delivered by a/an a.) threatening late-night phone call, b.) brick through your living room window or c.) slashing of said vehicle’s tires. (Note: Slashed tires are not covered by your warranty. See “Mob Violence and Street Riot Exemptions” for more information.)
Work performed by anthropomorphic funnels is NOT covered by your warranty.
** “Any repairs” does not cover:
- Routine maintenance***
- Body work
- Windshield replacement
- Any repair performed due to improper driving habits or vehicular abuse (See “Improper Driving/Vehicular Abuse” below.)
*** Uncovered “Routine Maintenance” includes any of the following:
- Oil change
- Tire rotation and balance
- Engine fire
- Lube job
- Shock and strut replacement
- Unexpected removal of catalytic converter
- Major overhauls
- Tuneups
- Transmission problems
- Catastrophic failure
- Windshield replacement
- Burning/burnt engine
- Lights
- Leaks
- Recall-related repairs
- Offset head-on collisions
- Rapture
Another "certified" technician prepares to violate your vehicle, its warranty and your trust, roughly in that order.
“Improper Driving/Vehicular Abuse” includes the following:
- Speeding (including “going downhill” and “trying to make the light”)
- Sharp turns
- Emergency brake usage during non-emergencies
- Sex in front or back seat (trunk and hood covered for total combined weight not exceeding 350 lbs.)
- Leaving vehicle on while “running in for something”
- More than 12 regular/bright headlight cycles
- Signalling without turning
- Generating more tha 150 foot-pounds of torque during acceleration
- Backing vehicle into parking space
- “Killing” engine due to improper shifting
- Waving at oncoming drivers
- Rolling down window to speak to driver/passengers of other vehicles
- High-speed pursuits
- Low-speed pursuits
- On-foot pursuits
- Using more than 10 foot-pounds of torque to close door/hood/trunk
- “Ricing up” said vehicle through the addition of ground effects, spoilers and decals
- Having vehicle urinated on by Calvin
- Complaining about gas mileage
- Failure to respect rules of engagement in Ford-Chevy rivalries
-CLT
