Archive for August, 2009

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 12

August 30, 2009

What better way to wrap up your weekend than with DJ CLT at the controls, spinning that fine, fine blend of sounds we understand is called “music.” Those of you who just thought of several better ways, please get the hell out, I’m trying to build a mood here. If you can’t use your imagination a little then you’ll just be ruining the fun for everybody. Mostly me. We all have to work together to get the vibe going. Like a love-in. Or a ouija board.

Previous volumes here: Heavy Rotation Archives

mothermother

Mother Mother – Dirty Town
A track and band unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to well-known vacation hound, Alan Truitt. Despite his occasional bursts of obscenity and poetry, Truitt is actually a very well-rounded individual with some electic music tastes.

This track straddles a few stylistic fences, starting out with some glam-ish riffing, before jumping the cow into steel-guitar proto-country, steel guitar and all. The tempo also lurches back and forth in a very enjoyable manner. It’s all about getting the fuck up on out of this one-cow town.

 

soulsavers-753642

Soulsavers – Ghost of You and Me
Safely ensconced on the wrong side of the tracks with soul brothers Alabama 3, this hard rocking production team fears for your soul, but have no concern for their own. It’s already gone. Featuring Mark Lanegan (Screaming Trees) on vocals and some vicious slide guitar and some feedback from a regular old guitar. Lanegan vocalizes as if he’s just snorted Johnny Cash’s ashes and the band rips jagged holes into the air behind him. Awesome live and awesome on wax (or mp3). Tip of the hat (again) to Alan.

 

the-black-ghosts

Black Ghosts – Any Way You Choose to Give It (Boy 8-Bit Mix)
Producer Boy 8-Bit scatters shards and loops of vintage keyboards and old video game squeltches all over the Black Ghosts’ minor hit. The Ghosts claim their sound is “perverse, personal pop music.” It’s actually much better than that. Solid electro-pop that sticks in your head without completely pandering to your ass.

Unremixed version here:

 

A-21351-1137475321

Clock DVA – 4 Hours
Formed in the early ’80s, Clock DVA are somewhat of an anomaly. Ostensibly an industrial/IDM group, they have also made some forays into soul and post-punk rock. This track has them in post-punk mode, grinding along above some crunchy guitars and a hint of mic feedback. The lyrics deal with something mysterious, an unamed man “wearing a black suit” and “carrying a black case.” Nice, icy paranoia rock for the Monday morning drive into work.

Here’s an example of where they ended up:

 

theheavypress

The Heavy – How You Like Me Now?
Sounding like Ray Charles fronting the Rapture covering Iggy Pop’s “Lust for Life.” With a horn section. All cocksure swagger, featuring the most kickass drum sound since, well, “Lust for Life.” I owe this selection to Don Mills, whose impeccable musical taste is routinely overlooked, mainly because he keeps telling us to turn it down, goddammit.

All tracks in one zip:
Heavy Rotation Vol. 12 (link opens in new window)

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to it’s high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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Touring the Creation Museum

August 29, 2009
You saved the dinosaurs? What for?

You saved the dinosaurs? What for? I specifically stated they needed to die "a mysterious death."

Hey, everybody! Welcome to the Creation Museum, the little house that faith built! Don’t forget to leave a donation in the box, as faith alone has yet to pay a single light bill or paper mache up another vegetarian T-Rex! Hahaha! Plus a portion of the proceeds go to help the victims of the latest moral panic. Remember God and our CCTV system are watching.

Before we get started, we need to ask just a couple of required questions. One, is anyone here Bill Maher? No. OK, thanks. We have to ask. New policy.

Also: any persons of color here? Oh… well… I’m so sorry about the curse. I’ll have more information on that later.

Alright! Let’s get started!

Now as we make our way through the tour, you may have some questions. I would ask that you hold these questions until the end of the tour, or better yet, take them home with you and ask God to help you with your faith problem. It obviously isn’t strong enough and I hate to be a bummer, but you’re probably going to hell. You may want to hurry back to the donation box and add a few more dollars. It certainly couldn’t hurt.

Speaking of lack of faith, my estranged wife has exhibited quite a lot of that lately, what with her insistence on health insurance for the kids and a purchase of World Book Encyclopedias.

Quick question, and yes, I will be asking all the questions on the tour. Faith, people!

Anyway, how many of you have gone through a painful divorce? Wow. That’s a lot of you. But still less than I expected. Well, God did say our faith would be tested, am I right? I just wish He’d have given me more time to study! Hahahahahahahaaaa! Kidding! I’m kidding! God is perfect in every way.

Now the main purpose of this museum is to put to rest the outrageous claims of evolutionists and other wackos. You may hear a lot of talk about the theory of evolution being “scientifically sound” and their “years of research.” Don’t be fooled. These scientists are always using “facts” and “research” as a twisted means to keep themselves supplied with opium and hookers. Did you know the STD rate among evolutionists is nearly as high as it is in Africa?

But these claims they throw around are ridiculous! Have you ever seen a frog behaving like a fish? Or a squirrel that can fly? Preposterous!

You know who else liked “facts” and “proof.” Yeah, that’s right. Satan. And to a lesser extent, the National Board of Education.

Perhaps you remember the famous Scopes Monkey Trial. Oh, you do! Oh, thank god. I was drawing a blank. Do you want to take over for a couple of minutes? Just a couple of minutes. I’ve got to call my soon-to-be ex-wife and harass her at work. Thanks a million. I shouldn’t be gone more than five minutes or so if my previous calls are any indication.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

Alright, I’m back. Thanks for covering for me. You’re a lifesaver. Do you happen to know any good divorce lawyers? I’m kinda stuck right now as four lawyers have dropped me so far for “continually damaging my own case.”

Where was I? Oh! Evolution. Those crazy monkey-lovers. Evidence of creation exists all around us, especially here in the Creation Museum. Take a look at the fossil record. How could all of these be here in the same layer? We have a pterodactyl fossil, a human femur bone and a 1959 Philco Solid State Television. I’d like to see them solve that one, with their test tubes and microscopes. And master’s degrees…

Here is what evolution does. As you can see from this disturbing diorama, evolution theory leads directly to the downfall of society. Why, just reading your average school textbook is enough to destroy the very fabric of your family, leading to porn addiction and Planned Parenthood appointments. Letting a pro-evolution textbook into your Christian home is just like letting your daughter get knocked up by a travelling paleontologist.

I would ask that you refrain from touching the fossils as they are fragile and take many, many man-hours to create. Many GOD-hours! God creates! Sorry! I’m going to just sort of categorically deny everything I just said. Ah. I am now being paged to the front desk. Please wait here and I should be right back.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

OK, folks. Thanks for waiting. Some news from… well, it doesn’t matter. I guess God has a plan for all of us. Up until about 2 minutes ago, God’s plan was that I should be here, working an underpaid position at a ridiculed institution. I guess… And that my wife should leave me because she doesn’t “respect me” or my “laughable ideals.” Which is fine. It’s His plan. And the painkiller addiction… He must have wanted that… But He’s changing it again, sort of suddenly. This will be my last tour with the museum, apparently.

We’ll kind of rush through the rest of this, seeing as I’m quickly losing the will to entertain or inform. Or live.

A few highlights left. Let’s see.

Oh! Jesus riding a dinosaur. This artist’s conception is proof that man and dinosaurs co-existed. How many of you kids would like to ride a dinosaur? Hahahaha! Most dinosaurs were actually vicious man-eaters and the more docile ones didn’t know their own strength. We have a Shetland pony and a coin-operated Triceratops out back for you young ones.

And here’s another picture of Jesus. This time he’s holding a tiny pet dinosaur. We are petitioning the US Postal Service to have it made into a stamp. If they won’t go for it, may a curse fall upon their heads and their houses. We’ll just take it to the Ron Paul mint and make our own stamps.

And this last exhibit shows some cavemen, who were not actually cave men, but men just like you and me only with more hair, co-existing peacefully with a vegetarian T-Rex. Apparently, they could be tamed and kept as housepets. A lot of Midwesterners and Texans believe that the vegetarian diet is what wiped out the T-Rex and several other dinosaurs. I guess we’ll never know for sure.

I want to thank you all for coming. If you could perhaps stop by the front desk and possibly leave any employments listings and letters of recommendation, I would greatly appreciate it. You’ve been wonderful, excepts for you doubters. I guess you’ll see my ex-wife. In hell. Have a great day!

-CLT

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Excerpts from the Time/Life Amateur Handyman Series: 50 Craft Projects for Beginners

August 28, 2009

As part of an on-going series, we present an excerpt from Time/Life Books’ latest entry into the “Amateur Handyman” series, 50 Small Projects for Novice Handymen, a book dealing with entry-level carpentry and some other handyman basics. This volume in particular is intended to be a “quick start” guide, allowing novices to ease into woodworking and small repair jobs.

Note: due to recent changes in some federal statutes concerning protected woodlands, a large portion of the beginning instructions have been written with the help of several national lumber boards and input from various Congressional subcommittees.

Previous excerpts include:
Settling Homeowner Disputes
Holy Fuck! Water’s Not Working!: The Amateur’s Guide to Household Wiring

Your new spice rack will hold all your favorite flavorings, like Ground Bunny and Extract of Cherub

Your new spice rack will hold all your favorite flavorings, like Ground Bunny and Extract of Cherub

Project #1 – Spice Rack

Items needed:

  • 6 boards – 1/2′ x 3″ x 48″
  • Table saw
  • 3/4″ Nails
  • Wood Glue
  • Hammer
  • Sandpaper
  • Paint (optional)
  • Skill (optional)

Making a spice rack for your kitchen is one of those simple projects that anyone can do in one afternoon. In addition to the satisfaction of making something with your own hands, the spice rack will prove to be useful for the years to come.

Step 1 – Choosing Your Wood
Like most quick projects in this book, your first task will be to select the wood you would like to work with. There are a lot of variables to consider when attempting a project: tensile strength, grain, aesthetic qualities, durability, table saw blade rpm and texture.

While most woods are suitable for a spice rack, some consideration must be taken to choose the right wood for the task. When breaking down the elements involved, remember to consider each of the following: indoor/outdoor use, paint/varnish, heat/humidity, and tensile strength.

For most novices, the simplest place to start is with tensile strength. Most woods are rated on a tensile strength scale. This will allow you to gauge the “spring back” of the wood when subjected to stress or weight. Most standardized lumber mills will include a chart as put together by the National American Lumber Mills Standardization Board (NALMSB). (See also: Appendices A11 and R13.) Many popular woods such as ash or maple with fall within the ranges of A20-A40, which covers medium use woods with average “springback.”

Keep in mind that this chart will help you narrow down domestic deciduous trees only. A separate chart is maintained for domestic evergreens, which runs on a scale from L100 (softest) to M4 (hardest). This can be cross-referenced with domestic deciduous through a series of tensile calculations. A chart of some commonly used tensile calculations is included (Appendix D12). You can look at these appendices at your leisure, as we would like to keep things at a “novice” level for the time being.

In order to choose the wood best suited for this easy and fun project, begin with your table saw. The manufacturer’s die-grinding radius and maximum rpms should be listed in the product packaging or on the saw blade itself. Bear in mind that the maximum rpms will be limited to the saw’s capacity, which will be listed in the saw’s packaging or instructions. The rpm value and grind radius, when combined with the optimal tensile strength, will limit the amount of splintering or other damage to the grain, as well as to your limbs, eyes and future children, in case of a mismatch.

In order to keep this simple, we have devised (in association with NALMSB and Table and Hand Saw Manufacturers of America [THSMA]) a short equation to allow you to find your optimal tensile strength.

(TS [tensile strength] = Base RPM / Total RPM + Length of Cut + Die Radius * .3387)

This equation makes choosing domestic wood with the proper tensile strength a breeze. (Note: if you wish to use a more exotic wood, like mahogany, you will need to cross-reference the American tensile chart with the European tensile chart [Appendix LL166]. Keep in mind that the metric system will come into play here, meaning your cut lengths will fluctuate according to the exchange rate. For simplicity’s sake, in this example we will deal with American wood only.)

Once you have matched the tensile strength to the saw specifications, you can begin to choose your wood from those matching the 4-digit tensile number (tn) as recommended by the NALMSB. This should narrow you down to 15-20 possible matches in Domestic Deciduous.

Should you decide to go with an Evergreen, you will need to also consider heat and humidity of the area of installation. Evergreen trees will be graded, in addition to tensile strength, on water retention (Appendix R11A-1.12) and grain pattern (Appendices A44-B22[a]).

This handy chart will allow you to check the hardness of your wood.  *cough*

This handy chart will allow you to check the hardness of your wood. *cough*

Your best bet is to consider your kitchen as an altered Temperate Zone (tz). Match the TZ of your area of the country with the TZ on the next closest southwest TZ on the chart. In simpler terms, this approximates the closest indoor range value by decreasing humidity values and normalizing temperature fluctuations on a sliding scale based on published statistics and average altitude. A small amount of alchemy and other black arts also comes into play.

Most pine will match 70% of the accepted Temperate Zones. A few will allow universal installation but these are generally expensive and hard to find. You may also find that the Water Retention level will decay the originally stated Tensile Strength, thus causing a mismatch in the final project.

Another way to make some quick work of this task is to use our handy tools, just type this web address into your browser window:

http://www.timelifebooks/handyman/amateur-handyman/v-1-2009/1105554/handyman-toolsets/handyman-toolsets-c/tensile-strength-calc/toolsetcacl=ret?2224bill555.shtml

Or search Google with this string:

http://www.google.com/search?&q=-inurl%3A(htm%7Chtml%7Cphp)%20intitle%3A%22index%20of%22%20%2B%22last%20modified%22%20%2B%22parent%20directory%22%20%2Bdescription%20%2Bsize%20%2B(wma%7Cmp3)%20%22toolsetcharts%22

(Note: please type this in exactly as written. A slight error in any “##%#” value could cause some anomalies in your browser software, including an unbreakable recursive loop.)

To use our tool to determine the right wood, follow these quick steps (pulldown menus listed in bold, fields requiring entries are in italics, other required information not included):

  1. Select project number.
  2. Select tools.
  3. Select table saw.
  4. Select table saw manufacturer.
  5. Select blade size.
  6. Select blade manufacturer.
  7. Select blade grind radius.
  8. Select blade rpm.
  9. Select base rpm.
  10. Select saw rpm.
  11. Select Indoor or Outdoor.
  12. Select Temperate Zone.
  13. Select nearest adjacent Temperate Zone.
  14. Click Calculate.
  15. Roll saving throw (2d12).
  16. Take result and paste into “value#?=” field.

Now that we have our Tensile Strength value, we’ll move onto selecting from the recommended wood range.

  1. Click Wood Tensile Chart.
  2. Select Domestic or Import.
  3. Select Deciduous or Evergreen.
  4. (If deciduous) Select Fall Colors.
  5. Select Brown/Orange/Breathtaking.
  6. Select Cider or Cocoa.
  7. Enter cut length.
  8. Enter base rpm * .0334.
  9. Enter 110V or 220V.
  10. Click Calculate.
  11. Take these two values and add together.
  12. Enter this number into the “value#2?=” field.

Now that our matching wood has been selected, it’s time to purchase it:

  1. Select lumber manufacturer.
  2. Select nearest vendor within 100 miles.
  3. Select Ship or Pick Up.
  4. Click Show TS Value and Estimate

Congratulations! You’re done. Your answer will arrive by email within 2-4 business days.

Coming up: Step 2 – Choosing the Right Nail for the Job (25 Do’s and 500 Don’ts)

-CLT

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

August 25, 2009
... except you. You're adopted.

... except you. You're adopted.

This week on All My Children
A horrible secret from Bianca’s past comes back to haunt her, mainly by opening cupboard doors and flipping the lights on and off. At a dinner party, Greenlee discovers Leo’s autobiography manuscript and drunkenly mocks him. Maggie slips into something “more comfortable.” Bianca handles some exposition. Kendall gets a surprise late night phone call from her podiatrist, resulting in a frantic search for size 4EEE shoes. Zach visits an ATM. Babe asks Dixie to lend her $50 for “gas and whatever, until Friday.” JR Chandler holds rocks glass; stares intently into mid-distance.

OLTL debuts their Jeopard crossover.

OLTL debuts their Jeopardy crossover.

This week on One Life to Live
Rex discovers he has brain cancer; begins physician-ordered regimen of heavy drinking and spousal abuse. Agnes threatens to “choke a bitch.” Nigel makes a string of thoughtful and cautious investments. Natalie gets a good night’s rest after a short, uneventful day. Oliver deals with an embarrassing issue when his check is declined at the liquor store. Bo blames her latest embezzlement attempt on her glaucoma. Addie installs new windshield wipers. Jared and Charlie work together to track down source of disembodied voices speaking earlier lines of dialogue.

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll Vol. 9

August 24, 2009

In the past volumes of this guide we’ve taken some swipes at some pretty big names. “But what of the small, indie, critic’s darlings?” I hear you asking. Well, they’ll get theirs as well. It’s just that, well, if you’ve had a 30-year career of diminishing returns, it’s just so much easier to broadly swipe. Not to mention, they’re all big boys and girls (Heart, especially) and should be able to take it. And while I hate to admit to taking the easy way out, today’s lineup is probably the easiest. It does include one request, however: Steven Wonder.

Def Leppard - Britain's finest seven-armed rock monster

Def Leppard - Britain's finest seven-armed rock monster

Def Leppard
If someone asked you what the ’80s sounded like, you could grab any of their first three albums and say, “Listen to this.” A band that was always more pop than metal (and more hair than talent – zing!), Def Leppard defined an era. That era was the “MTV stands for Music TeleVision” era, the early days when MTV was still pushing music in video form, rather than relegating it to soundtracking promos, bitchy Real World infighting or rolling behind the Real World closing credits.

They power on to this day, a testament to their longevity and their fans’ unwillingness to branch out their musical tastes. They’ve earned a spot in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame if for no other reason than their multiple triumphs over adversity, including losing a drummer’s arm to a car crash and losing an entire guitarist to death. That, and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame’s noticeably lax standards and elastic definition of “rock.” (No worse, really, than the Grammy committee’s definition of “metal.” Jethro Tull, indeed.)

Voted Most Likely to Be Asked to Please, for the Love of God, Put a Shirt On
Voted Most Likely to Be Asked to Please, for the Love of God, Put a Shirt On

John Denver
Speaking of elastic definitions, John Denver never strayed near “rock” or “roll” once in his career, or in the afterlife, according to our sources (Sonny Bono, the Big Bopper). As sickeningly clean-cut and wholesome as a busful of Young Republicans, Denver tore the ’70s a new wuss-hole and presaged country’s descent into bland pseudo-pop. Presumably Denver released several individual albums, but who fucking needs them, considering he released around 19 “Greatest Hits” compilations.

Unlike the edgier Pat Boone and the comparitively “gangsta” Air Supply, Denver never toed the line once, cruising a steady, easy-going center line that left people yearning for the street toughness of the Eagles or Jackson Browne. Oddly enough, he was the subject of one of the darkest tribute albums ever, as death metal’s finest took on such classics as Sunshine on My Shoulder and Sweet Surrender on the unfortunately named Things to Do with Denver When He’s Dead (Cleopatra Records). Keep your ears peeled for Morbid Angel’s take on his (also unfortunately titled) classic, Fly Away.

The secret of Dire Straits' success? Glow-in-the-dark headbands.
The secret of Dire Straits’ success? Glow-in-the-dark headbands.

Dire Straits
Speaking of bands that hitched their star to MTV (we were: just scroll up to Leppard, Def), Dire Straits were yanked out of their mopey pub-rock scene and held under the fast-flowing mainstream, when their single Money for Nothing burst onto the scene in 1985.

Propelled to multi-platinum success by a video so meta it name-checked the only channel that would play it, the Dire Straits seized this opportunity, wove it into a wicker lawn chair and collapsed into it for six long years. Having Rip van Winkled right past their sell-by date, the Dire Straits awoke to a very different world; one that had passed them by in a blur of distortion and flannel.

Now stuck in the unenviable classification of “boomer rock,” the Dire Straits are doomed to walk the earth, playing mid-sized arenas and large corporate conventions along with other hellish acts like Eric Clapton, Phil Collins and Steve Winwood.

Album cover for Wonder's relatively unknown classic "Stevie Wonder Sings the Rick James Songbook"
Album cover for Wonder’s relatively unknown classic “Stevie Wonder Sings the Rick James Songbook”

Stevie Wonder
A brilliant child prodigy (perhaps not on par with Mozart, but at least up there with Bill Withers or Huey “Piano” Smith), Stevie Wonder went on to usher in a new era of R&B in the ’70s. This, of course, was followed by another ushering in the late-’90s by, among other artists, Usher. Known for his well-crafted hooks, infectious swaying and not being able to see, Wonder is a shoo-in for the African-American Blind Piano-Playing R&B Singer Hall of Fame, joining charter member Ray Charles and Jamie Foxx, who portrayed Ray Charles in the 2004 film, Ray.

Wonder lost his sight at an early age during a tragic “Wonder Twin Powers” accident with brother Davie. Due to a disagreement in terms that neither was aware of until after the word “Activate,” the resulting mixture of garbled syllables resulted in their potent twin powers being activated in the form of “Summon Baphomet,” an ancient malevolent diety (who is not a morning person, per se). The wrathful and drowsy god responded by removing Stevie’s eyesight and Davie completely. The suddenly removed-from-this-dimension twin was renamed “He Whose Name Cannot Be Spoken or Referenced To” and so we won’t for the remainder of this piece.

Stevie Wonder went on to sign with Motown Records as age 11, thanks to Baphomet, who admitted he had “overreacted” and “owed him one.” The rest is history. Wonder went on to release album after album with hit single after hit single, culminating in the peak of written music: I Just Called to Say I Love You. Understandably, no self-respecting indie record store clerk will come within 100 miles of this single, leaving you to purchase it pretty much anywhere else.

The hundreds of members of Little Feat prep for a turf war with Chicago
The hundreds of members of Little Feat prep for a turf war with Chicago

Little Feat
The story of Little Feat’s formation is a fascinating one, filled with facts, intrigue, Frank Zappa and jazz fusion. Legend has it that Lowell George was trying to form his own group, using members of Frank Zappa’s touring band. Fed up with Frank’s terrible anal jokes and endless guitar wankery, George approached Bill Payne, another Zappa band member.

Word of this dissent leaked back to Zappa, whom George overhead saying, “Trying to organize these halfwit guns-for-hire into an actual band would be no small feat.” George overheard this and took off as fast as his size 4’s would carry him.

George formed his own group and, poking fun at his diminutive shoe size, suggested they name the band “Little Feet.” His bandmates and promoter heard this as the much-more-clever “Little Feat,” and hastily cranked out thousands of posters and album covers featuring this spelling. After discovering their error, George was furious and shuffled band members in and out of the lineup for the next 30 years.

Little Feat’s blend of rock, jazz, funk, R&B and shoegaze proved popular and Lowell George soon found himself surrounded by groupies, all oohing and aahing and saying how “cute” and “adorable” he was. Because you know what they say about guys with little feet? They have big hearts. And are as cute as buttons.

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 11 – French House

August 23, 2009

It’s taken weeks but I finally have a Heavy Rotation with an actual theme. And what a theme!

As you read on, feel free to take the exclamation point off the previous sentence at any time. But musical tastes being subjective and whatnot, I’m going to head off to the club and spend a little time discussing French House.

House music being very much an offshoot of disco, usually featuring a somewhat milder tempo and more vocals than your average techno genre, has enjoyed immense popularity in Europe. However, the French have actually taken the idea and run with it (rather than from it, like so many other ideas, like defending your country).

The positives they’ve added are: fewer vocals (for me, this is a positive), more filters and some of the funkiest basslines ever etched into vinyl.

Previous versions here:
Heavy Rotation Archive.

killahbeez-alan-braxe-0037

Alan Braxe – Rubicon
Release in 2004 to much fanfare (I would imagine), Braxe’s lovely slice of funky French house travels pleasantly along with some tasty pads and synths and, of course, a little de rigeur electro-cowbell. Almost works in a verse-chorus-verse structure except for the noticeable lack of vocals.

Note to Claire Collins: this video does include parallel parking.

 

bob-sinclair

Bob Sinclar – Gym Tonic
Fantastic tune from another French House player. Sinclar stole the greatest sample ever, hooking some vocals from a Jane Fonda workout album. Funky as hell, and after a few virtual spins I guarantee you’ll be walking around counting out loud. “2-3-4-5-6-7-8 and back…”

Sinclar was forced to delete this from his catalog thanks to Ted “TNT” Turner, whose explosive temper and fat wallet intimidated the penniless Frenchman into acquiescence. However, the version I have uploaded has the original “vocals” as does the video below. Enjoy.

 

daft_punk1

Daft Punk – Around the World
While not my favorite track by the helmeted duo, it was the first track I heard by them. Another “gets stuck in your head” sort of track that is greatly aided by Michel Gondry’s (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Be Kind Rewind). Featuring the appearance of another trademark French House staple, the vocoder.

This is off their monsterously awesome debut album Homework. If you are going to buy only one French House album, make it this one. Understandably, most people will only need one French House album, if any at all. Again, make it this one.

Embedding for the kickass video has been disabled by EMI. For more information on EMI, consult the Sex Pistols.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9MszVE7aR4

 

medhihiro

DJ Mehdi – Signatune (Thomas Bangalter Mix)
French electro producer DJ Mehdi gets all Housed up by Thomas Bangalter, one-half of Daft Punk. This track is all kinds of fun. The synth lines get stuttered, dragged around, shuffled and ground to a halt. A prime example of the French filter fuckery that is Bangalter’s trademark.

Note: while I enjoy these noises and distortions, I realize that many of you will not. My partial apologies for that. However, give it a shot and perhaps you’ll see things my way and presumably seek help immediately.

 

blogjustice_redskpro_2

Justice – Phantom Pt. II (Soulwax Remix)
The new face of French House, although the face is French, the house is not really house. More of a high-energy electro-pomp combining everything bombastic about soundtrack music and thumping 808 beats into an arena-filling monster. Belgian producers Soulwax up the ante with one of the greatest remixes done anywhere at anytime. Brace yourself for the sudden drop about 2/3’s of the way through the track. This track has killed more dancefloors and turned on more houselights than anything since Black Strobe’s Fireflies.

All tracks in one zip file (link opens in new window):
Heavy Rotation Vol. 11

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to it’s high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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Most Popular Occupations for Online University Graduates

August 22, 2009
Your online university: offering such diverse courses as solitaire and avatar-bungling

Your online university: offering such diverse courses as solitaire and avatar-bungling

Congratulations [insert name here]! Your hard work has paid off. After a grueling 22 hours in 8 weeks of online courses, you have now completed the coursework necessary for a degree in [insert choice here].

Your diploma and degree should arrive in 6-8 weeks, possibly sooner, if we can find someone who knows how to install a dot matrix printer ribbon.

Once again, congratulations and best wishes on your continued success in life! [omit sarcastic laughter]

If you have received this form letter, please take the time to review our list of Most Popular Occupations for Online University Graduates. Remember your degree is somewhat open-ended because of our lack of state certification. Many of the occupations listed may intersect tangentially with your course of study. Thanks for your business and we hope to see you again and again.

If you have yet to enroll, please see some of our available courses here.

Most Popular Occupations

  • Dianetician (additional study needed for Bachelor of Scientology)
  • Phrenologist
  • Clip Art Wrangler
  • Sexpert
  • Aromatherapist
  • Frivolous Lawyer
  • Chain Mail Author
  • Envelope Stuffer
  • Mixologist
  • TS Prostitute Sexer
  • Netscaper
  • File Sharer
  • Plasma Marketer
  • Squire
  • Alcoholic
  • Pirate (Music)
  • Pirate (Somali)
  • Pirate (Yarrrrr)
  • File Naming Conventioneer
  • Collections (Credit Card)
  • Collections (RIAA, ASCAP)
  • Collections (Student Loans)
  • Scam Artist
  • Scam Victim
  • Mathmagician
  • Online University Career Counselor
  • Clothes Horse
  • Pommel Horse
  • Reality Show Contestant
  • Reality Show Host
  • Blogger
  • Currently Unemployed
  • Jiffy Lube Technician
  • Jiffy Pop Technician
  • Narc
  • Miner (Data)
  • Miner (Outdoor)
  • Miner (Canary – interns only)
  • Creationist
  • Accidental Parent
  • Alarm Clock and Toaster Repair
  • Universal Remote Setup Technician
  • Petty Crook
  • Insurance Adjuster
  • Lobbyist
  • Clive F. Cussler Co-Author
  • Fancy Plans… Fact Checker
  • Death Panelist
  • “Skanky” Model
  • Interpretive Exotic Dancer
  • World of Warcraft Guild Leader
  • Dirk Cussler
  • Lead Singer – Nickelback
  • Crocodile Hunter
  • Wedding Planner (3rd and up Marriages)
  • “Libarian”
  • Religious Cult Member
  • Department Store Santa Claus
  • Radioshack Battery Club Member
  • Journalist
  • Drugstore Cowboy
  • Rhinestone Cowboy
  • Breast Inspector
  • Meth Manufacturer
  • Meth Dealer
  • Parolee
  • Boxing Promoter

-CLT