In an effort to educate, divert stoner pageviews and retain our title of “Enabler of the Year,” we at Fancy Plans present our well-rounded guide to illegal drugs. Please note that the editors of this site encourage drug use, especially among teenagers, whose disposable income levels are fast approaching the baby boomers.
In the issue of balance, we would also like to point out that there are several reasons not to take drugs, but we can’t really think of any at the moment.
aka: Blow, Coke, Snow, Yayo, Nose Candy, Baby Laxative, White Man’s Burden
First discovered in the 1980s by stockbrokers, cocaine has been the go-to drug for jet-setting youngsters and jet-setting oldsters, who wish to reclaim their youth with a combination of poorly cut product and occasional heart failure.
In its heyday, cocaine had a drawing power unrivalled by other substances, thus ensuring the men’s room was at least as crowded as the ladies’. Coke is also handy for generating “big” ideas, perfecting conspiracy theories and removing unwanted septum.
Pros: Energy; hooker “bait”
Cons: Nose bleeds; insta-death
aka: Weed, Pot, Chronic, Mary Jane, Crepes Suzette, Medicine
[Note: Also known as the “gateway drug,” as possession of this substance, which has been tried by an estimated 102% of the American public, will earn you a quick trip to the “gates” of your nearest federal penitentiary to serve a sentence on par with lesser crimes like armed robbery and involuntary manslaughter.]
Easier to obtain than pseudoephedrine and only slightly less illegal, marijuana is much like Kevin Bacon: only a few people away. Grown in the wilds of Mexico and Canada and domesticated in a million basements and walk-in closets around the U.S., marijuana is one of America’s most popular drugs.
Perhaps the most social of social drugs, marijuana can create an instant party. Like cats around a can opener, all it takes is the sound of fire igniting cannabis to fill your house with acquaintances, well-wishers and “friends of friends” who are only too happy to smoke your weed, drink your beer and empty your pantry before vanishing the moment the bowl is cashed.
Recently an effort has been made to legalize marijuana due to its medical qualities, which acolytes believe can cure several ailments, from the legitimate (cancer, glaucoma) to the dubious (rickets, chlamydia, male pattern baldness, boredom).
Be aware that heavy users will often clockwatch until late afternoon, when an impromptu (and hazy) celebration will break out as the clock hits 4:20 (also known as “giggle o’clock”).
Pros: Relaxing; sociable; inspiring
Cons: Scooby Doo; whoever the hell that is passed out on the couch
aka Acid, Trip, Tabs, 13th Floor Elevator, Fun
LSD is a psychedelic whose sole purpose is to “fuck shit up” perceptively speaking and provide lazy music critics with a go-to analogy. (“Band X sounds like band Y. On acid.”)
Based on what I’m informed is personal experience, LSD derails spatial awareness and thought processes to a point where it can take up to 1.5 man hours to collect cigarettes, lighters and ashtrays and take them to a hopefully non-flammable area. For this analogy to hold true, said band “on acid” would most likely resemble this:
Pros: Makes everything more fun; pitch the occasional no-hitter
Cons: Lots of stuff shouldn’t be that fun; flashbacks (regular and ‘Nam)
aka Crystal Meth, Meth, Dental Damn!, NOS for Rednecks
One of a small set of truly American drugs (crack, Oprah), crystal meth is harvested year-round from its natural habitat: trailer park bathtubs.
A fast-acting and smokable amphetamine, meth provides users with a potent combination of energy and insomnia which allows them to “power through” such diverse activities as cramming for a shop class final, sorting the change jar chronologically or making more crystal meth.
Pros: High amounts of energy; made from common deadly household products
Cons: Hockey Players’ Mouth; Camaro ownership
aka Smack, Horse, Dope, Junk, Kentucky Fried Chicken (regional dialect – Manchester), Cliff Richards
Originally developed as a dietary supplement, heroin has been used for over 40 years to develop lanky, Kate Moss-ian supermodels. As supermodels began dating rock stars, heroin’s influence spread. It reached its peak in Seattle during the late 90s when it was crossed with coffee beans to develop lanky, suicidal rock stars.
Though not generally known as a social drug due to its side effects of vomiting, unconsciousness and death, junkies (as they like to be called) are usually large-hearted (and weak-veined) individuals who are always willing to share their needles.
Pros: Hits like a motherfucker; methadone “gateway” drug
Cons: Randomly fatal; second only to Joe on Blue’s Clues as the leading cause of soul decay
aka E, X, Disco Biscuit, Dolled-Up Speed, The Unscrupulous Club Owner’s Best Friend
Originally developed as an empathy drug for therapy, ecstasy soon headed for the underground after therapists discovered it turned their patients into ovulating cats, constantly rubbing themselves against textured furniture, each other and anything emitting a low-frequency pulse. There were also numerous complaints that it made the patients “really thirsty,” which the therapists responded to by selling water at 8$/bottle.
Having escaped its legitimate usage, ecstasy threw caution to the wind, left its inhibitions at the door and worked its way through several other metaphors on its way to clubland. Once there, it was ingested by clubgoers seeking to enhance their night, which often included such activities as applauding someone playing other people’s records and getting anonymously pregnant.
Pros: Cheap and readily available; makes you really horny
Cons: Inconsistent product; increased horniness tends to make the user “cheap and readily available”