Archive for April, 2010

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The History of Media – Visual Arts Edition V. 1

April 28, 2010
[We had a lot of fun with the audio half of this presentation, in which many stereotypes were dismantled and just as many new ones, um, mantled. Now it’s time to turn away from our ears and start listening with our eyes, as we explore the visual media.]

The amazing display of showmanship and rudimentary arithmatic that is the live theater.

Prehistory
Before the advent of motion pictures, there was live theater. Performed live by live actors and actresses (but more frequently by actors in wigs), live theater enthralled thousands with its over-emoted lines, bellowed by all manner of waiters, maitre’ds and pool boys.

While kings and queens encouraged young playwrights to sell out, the general public was amused by bawdy puppet shows and other lowbrow works, including the bawdiest of puppet shows: finger puppets. (You know what I’m talking about.) [Ed. – No one knows what you’re talking about. Ever.] It had something for everybody and this “something” was usually expositionary songs and minimal sets.

Live theater flourished for centuries, becoming the common man’s escape from crushing reality and taking him to places previously only glimpsed in his fevered (and Black Plagued) imagination. Whether it came in the form of Greek dramedy or Shakespearean sitcom, theater was the only game in town.

The lively art expanded and mutated, bringing forth several new artistic forms, both legitimate (opera, musical, kabuki) and illegitimate (off-Broadway, mime, pro wrestling). Others operated at the fringe, trafficking in dubious artistic merit and collecting money no one else would touch (LARPing, cosplay, Samuel Beckett).

Just when it appeared that nothing would loosen theater’s stranglehold on the public’s entertainment dollar, something loosened theater’s stranglehold on the public’s entertainment dollar.

Buy two large popcorns and get 8 minutes of your favorite Uwe Boll flick!

Motion Pictures
Little did Lumiere realize when he debuted his first “moving picture” that his new invention would revolutionize the entertainment industry, mainly by killing off most of it and homogenizing the rest.

Proponents of the established live entertainment industry noted that the proliferation of “movie” houses would adversely affect their business, what with better entertainment being provided at half the price. They staged protests at major theaters, waving placards bearing slogans like “Motion Pictures Are Killing the Theater Industry” and (once the first concession stand was in place) “They’re Also Killing Dinner Theater.” Their battle was also carried to citizens of developing nations via propaganda stating that the “motion picture camera” was capable of “stealing over 30 souls per second.”

The first movies were a spectacle of sight and sound, though most of the sound was nothing more than the projector running or a drunken former cabaret piano player banging away lustily at his instrument and most of the spectacle was of, like, a horse running or something.

With the advent of sound, motion pictures were now on par with live theater’s use of voices, sound effects and coughing audiences. The sky was the limit! With Al Jolson’s game-changing, blackfaced The Jazz Singer, Hollywood knew it had a hit on its hands. An audible hit. With racist overtones.

Soon every Tom Screenwriter, Dick Producer and Harry Director were jamming their movies full of chattering heads, cramming every free space in the film with nonstop, fast-paced talking. Even the dames got into the act, see? No wisecrack was left uncracked. No song was left unsung. No woman ever walked sultrily into a detective’s poorly lit office unnarrated.

This addition of sound proved to be a deathblow for the theater. With the live-r of the lively arts effectively bleeding out (except for pockets of resistance both on and off-Broadway) movie going became America’s favorite pastime, supplanting the wireless, baseball and beating Irishmen.

A new breed of heart-throb rose from Hollywood and spread throughout the nation, taking advantage of swooning women and non-existent paternity laws. The motion picture industry rushed through its Bronze and Silver Ages, riding the crest of fast-paced dialogue and cries of “What a dame!” But no sooner had the triumphant industry kicked up its feet and rested it head on its laurels, then disaster struck.

A disaster called television.

Coming up next:
Volume 2: A Disaster Called Television

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 41 – Arguably Less Familiar To Millions But Still Recommended (Especially to the Cool Kids of Death)

April 25, 2010

This was the night went it all went haywire
Spun records by strobelight
Set cars on fire
Fed E to the goths just to force a smile
Drug em off the walls
Just to dance for awhile
Watch em trade their black for bright new day-glo
Write self-prescriptions
Trade dope for yayo
Big ideas float on waves of bass
Dub cuts Wax Trax
Out of Space
Out here on the dancefloor
It’s assholes with elbows
Tweaked-up punks
Tweaked-out emos
Cuttin up records with a disco sawzall
Manic depressives
Gettin high on Midol
Flashes of talent
Disco biscuits
Marxist tomboys
Pancaked Misfits
Pasted-on grins from too much X
Sweaty bodies
Faceless sex
When it’s all over there’s nothing left but trash
Used up men count up piles of cash
Played out players look to cut and run
Embrace the darkness
Beat the sun

Now all it needs is a beat. Oh. There’s some.

More beats – MC CLT = A Better Overall Experience (Which Awaits You on the Offworld Colonies, Which Are Located Behind the Blue Link Below):
The Heavy Rotation Archives

War – Low Rider (DJ Kue Mix).mp3
Kue grabs ahold of a verbal sample and some of the best drum bits and, after a chopped and flanged drop, brings in a wobbly, drunk-off-its-ass bassline. The end result? A War built for dancing. Like when the Jets met the Sharks, only without all that Romeo/Juliet baggage.

Joy Division – She’s Lost Control (Tronik Youth Shredit Edit).mp3
Tronik Youth gazes at Joy Division’s insanity plea and sees their undervalued rhythm section as a jumping off point, bringing an industrial edge to the proceedings. Shredding the vocals and running the track through an electro chop shop, Tronik Youth finally drags the metallic carcass, clanking and screaming, to the dancefloor. Or as close to the dancefloor as its faulty electronics will allow.

Buzz buzz glitch. Buzz buzz bang bang bang.

DeathSet – Negative Thinking (Treasure Fingers Remix).mp3
Treasure Fingers lays down the law on these shouty, punky misfits, confining them to their immaculately remixed room. Still as singalongable as ever, Treasure Fingers retains the sweaty urges and colorful language of the original while adding layers of restraint and muted color, dressing the boys up in robotic Sunday best and presenting them to the world as well-rounded, if occasionally profane, individuals.

Slayer – Raining Blood (Sexistalk Remix).mp3

I went to a rave and a mosh pit broke out.

Totally. Well, it was mainly amped-up pogoing.

I know.

Best rave ever!!! 

Pixies – Where Is My Mind? (Bassnectar Remix).mp3

Pixies Remix Club Rules
1. You do not fuck with a classic.
2. YOU. DO NOT. FUCK. WITH A CLASSIC.
3. If someone does fuck with a classic, taps out or adds a limp 4/4 and calls it good, they will be mocked and derided and their electricity cut off.
4. One remixer per remix.
5. One remix at a time.
6. Clothing optional. (?)
7. The remix will go on as long as it has to.
8. If it’s your first remix, start somewhere else. Maybe with any of the millions of lesser bands out there.

Bassnectar follows the rules. He toughens up Steve Albini’s already “not pussy” drums and throws in some nice buzzing noises.  Good stuff.

Here’s a bonus for everyone still playing. And when I say “everyone,” I of course mean mainly FJ, who routinely makes Pixies references when not being praised for his Lynchian qualities.

Pixies – The Thing (Allez Allez Bootleg Mix).mp3

Oh, and the Cool Kids of Death? Just a rather nice St. Etienne track, which unfortunately doesn’t live up to its menacing name, but then again, what possibly could?

-CLT

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I Survived! – True Stories of Human Survival

April 21, 2010

Welcome to what is sure to be another short-lived series, which will then be sent to the archives to play with the others orphans and occasional one-shots.

Welcome to I Survived!, a new series which presents the horrifyingly true stories of individuals pushed to their limits, usually as a result of their overactive lifestyles or lack of good judgement. Enjoy!

Robert dresses sensibly for the cool weather by donning an extra beard.

Robert Carroll
Having wandered way from the tour group while attempting to photograph a rare moth or something, Robert soon found himself miles away from the nearest paved surface/reliable cell phone signal.

As night fell, Robert was pursued through the underbrush by a roving pack of rutting elk, who had mistaken his awkward gait and brightly-colored shirt for a display of sexual availability.

The hours stretched into days and Robert began to lose hope of being rescued and resigned himself to being an elk “boy toy” for the rest of his existence. However, while cresting a ridge during the fourth day of his ordeal, Robert was spotted by a park ranger, who promptly cited him for leaving the designated trail. His fine was $470.

Micah foreshadows his near-tragedy with a recklessly upbeat hand signal.

Micah Wassermann
While surfing off the coast of Australia, Micah became separated from his surfboard while attempting to track down the “perfect wave.” As his board was pulled away from him by the receding tide, Micah cut his losses (and his Achilles’ tendon) and swam for shore.

His hopes for a swift return to shore were soon dashed (along with a majority of his 216 bones) when a vicious riptide hurled him against a rock formation a few hundred feet from shore.

Dazed, bruised and enduring images of a tanned and well-rested Robert Palmer, Micah made another attempt, moving at an excruciating pace of 30 feet per hour. Pushed to the limits of his endurance, Micah began to suffer vivid hallucinations, including one where he narrowly escaped being hung only to awake just as he was hung.

Disheartened and nearly immobile, Micah began to surrender to the urge to sleep. Just when all hope seemed to be lost, he was spotted by passing fishermen who greeted him with taunting shouts of “Get a horse!” The taunting continued all the way through his rescue and admittance to the local hospital.

Although he has resumed his surfing hobby, Micah still cannot bring himself to listen to Robert Palmer.

Six Flags Over Quantico: Where Dreams Come to Die and Become Horrible Walking Nightmares

Kate Hastings
While visiting the local amusement park, Kate fell 45 feet from a malfunctioning Zipper into the nearby ball pit. Sustaining compound fractures in both legs, Kate found herself sinking into the quicksand-like balls. Grasping for the nearest handhold, she was able to pull herself to the entrance using Isaac (age 9) and Chelsea (age 7).

Exiting the ball pit, Kate was unable to locate anyone over the age of 10 to assist her in her crawl to the nearest aid station. In fact, her general state of disrepair and corresponding trail of blood caused a panic, setting off a chain reaction that saw Kate buried under an avalanche of shoes, followed by the massive shoe rack itself.

Completely abandoned (much like the children around her) Kate waited for help to arrive, occasionally lapsing into unconsciousness. Her savior came in an unlikely form. She awoke to find four carnies gamely lifting the shoe rack off her compressed spine in order to better get a glimpse up her skirt.

Using an assortment of hand gestures and grunts, Kate was able to exchange a quick peek at “the goods” for a drag to the aid station. They agreed and soon Kate was being ignored by the sullen teen staffing the First Aid tent. A quick peek at “the goods” later and Kate was off to the emergency room, covered in Spongebob bandaids.

Kate refers to the experience as “the worst of her adult life,” but adds that she is “suing the living fuck out of Midway Entertainment, LLC.”

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 40

April 18, 2010

40.

That’s a big, evil number. All black balloons and used-up jokes. Let’s not head down that road. That way lies madness. Or if not madness, then some form of doom-laden clichefest that is somehow supposed to distract you from the fact that life is continuing its unstoppable Sherman’s March to the Sea, black balloons or no.

40 got you down? The previous volumes all have smaller numbers:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

James – Born of Frustration.mp3
Leading off with a return to a simple time, it’s fan favorite James who spent most of the late ’80s – early ’90s making intelligent alterna-pop, blowing past the throngs who were waiting for the “next Smiths” and splicing atmospheric ear candy onto a sparse, jangly spine.

If someone ever asks what “alternative rock” sounds like, this would be an excellent example. It sure as fuck isn’t everything that followed the “grunge years.” Oh, and it’s got a lot of falsetto, so it’s perfect for the shower.

The National – Bloodbuzz Ohio.mp3
What James would sound like if they were fronted by a fully-matured male. Atmospheric, intelligent, etc., drenched in melancholy and a weary, dark nostalgia. “You can never go home,” they say, and since I can’t find anything in the music world that disagrees with that sentiment, I’d have to agree. The leadoff single from their upcoming album High Violet, and if this is the statement of intent, I’d have to mark it a solid “buy.”

The Big Pink – Introduction to Awareness.mp3
I’ve featured this pair of shoegazers before with their crushing single, Velvet. Still the oddest of bands, formed by a former member of Atari Teenage Riot, whose noise terrorist pedigree would seem to lend itself to a more aggressive brand of music.

Instead, the Big Pink offer up a gauzy, organ-driven LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST! THEY JUST STOLE THE MELODY LINE FROM MY GIRL! AND THEY’RE JUST MOSEYING AROUND AS IF THEY DIDN’T! OMFG!!!

(Fun fact: Alec Empire (the founding member of Atari Teenage Riot) released a “tribute” album to Elvis Presley featuring the so-bad-it’s-good track title “Jailhouse Cock Rocks the Most.”)

The Lowbrows – Midnight Pirates.mp3
The Lowbrows are back. Of course, they didn’t actually go anywhere, and thank god for that as they continue to kick out jam after muthafuckin jam with no discernible drop in quality. Like Linda is Tonight and Danse Macabre, Midnight Pirates takes a bunch of unrelated ideas and runs them through some sort of filtering system that removes anything “non-kickass”  and delivers another dance floor devastator.

Starts out with some slow-moving body blows and some early-90s rave synth stabs before taking the governor off at the 2:11 mark and sending the juggernaut crashing through the VIP room and right onto the dance floor. Another drop and jaw-crushing build later and the dance floor is set to explode.

Simian Mobile Disco – Born to Synthesize (The Lowbrows Mix).mp3
Electro near-rockers SMD get themselves manhandled by the staggeringly good Lowbrows, who take this pulsing track and insert a wobbling, tweaking bassline and some very gorgeous pads. Uplifting, blissed-out and powerful.

-CLT

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The Fancy Plans Guide to Binge Drinking

April 14, 2010

If you're doing it right, even the camera will be wasted!

As any panicked moralist will tell you, college binge drinking is a serious problem, one that must be dealt with in the most hysterical way possible. While they entertain the 60 Minutes camera crew with third and fourth-hand tales of Jello shots and the damage done, we’d like to take the time to give you the “straight, uncut dope” on “doing it up right,” “getting crunk,” and the myriad potential benefits of getting “totally ‘faced.”

Freeform Amateur Debates
Everything from politics to religions to pop culture to that thing your girlfriend does when she’s “down there” can be expounded upon and argued about with no regard for facts or coherence. Most debates will take the form of FOX-News programming, wherein the loudest is usually considered the “rightest.”

Some hot-button issues to consider:

Is a cousin located far enough out on the family tree branches to be considered “fair game?” Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it after the horrendous string of birth defects?

The deck has been stacked against repeat sexual offenders for far too long! Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it before or after the sign went up in my yard?

That’s what happens when you elect a black president! Follow up: As the head “man,” is he still in the position to stick to the “man?” My casual co-opting of the hip hop lifestyle has also granted me some sort of enlightenment or something in regards to our president and the plight of my brothers, who are all several shades blacker than I am.

Unless you’ve knocked up like five or six random women within the last couple of years, I don’t think you’re qualified to offer your opinion on abortion. Follow-up: Condoms just don’t feel as good. I totally had no idea that was your sister. For reals, bro.

Don't worry about not getting enough to drink. Your friends will make sure you stay hydrated.

Making Memories (for other people)
A full night of drinking and drugs (trust me, these two will be in close proximity more often than not) will often play havoc with your mind, leading you to believe you just had several beers and went quietly to bed after entertaining your friends with your racous wit. In all reality, nothing could be further from the truth, and most of your friends and acquaintances will be able to piece your night together for you. Brace yourself.

And it goes a little something like this:

It late into a full night of drinking with party moving from the local bar to someone’s house. While some people have wisely called it a night and headed home, the die-hard still remain, willing to ride their buzz right into the barrel of God’s shotgun, which he has nicknamed “Daylight” and loaded full of headaches and regrets.

The full-on party has devolved into subdued conversations, occasionally punctuated by riotous laughter/loss of consciousness. Elsewhere in the house, drunks are half-heartedly trying to get it on, despite the fact that neither partner can feel anything from the neck down or form coherent thoughts from the neck up.

At some point, someone will emerge half-clothed from a darkened room and ask if they might have an additional bump of coke, or hit of ecstasy or another Xanax or whatever and that they’re willing to OH MY GOD SHE JUST STUCK THAT BEER BOTTLE IN HER VAGINA! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Once something like that happens, a crowd will gather. And speculation will begin.

Is this supposed to make her look sexually desirable? I mean, we all know that an entire (but miniature) human can emerge from there BUT JESUS MAN, SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE A MYSTERY! CHRIST ALMIGHTY, AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE I CAN EVEN COMPETE WITH THAT? I’M NOT HUNG LIKE A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER!

Soon enough, though, someone is going to take a chance on that, despite the fact that they’d need to be forearm deep before either of them felt anything. Good luck, man. That’s not for me. GOOD LORD, ONLY THE NECK IS STICKING OUT! GET SOME CLOTHES FOR HER. OR SOME COKE. DO SOMETHING, MAN! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON! THAT’S SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER.

Now try to match that up with how you think your night went.

  • Girl: Had some drinks. Woke up sore. Scored a baggie of coke somehow.
  • Guy: Totally got it on with this crazy chick. She was wild!

Other memories you may make for this crazy quilt we call “life”:

  • Human beer cozy
  • Sexual harassment suit
  • High-centered roommate’s Escalade on the freeway median
  • Human Sharpie canvas
  • Misplaced virginity
  • Lost job in less than 4 hours
  • The case of the mysterious and uncomfortable infection
  • Got a tattoo/joined the military

Vomiting
Your body’s way of telling you that you’re headed towards blood poisoning at a high rate of speed. You can’t get a much clearer sign that you should call it a night. However, this sign is often interpreted otherwise by power drinkers, usually as the following:

1. Time to get some sleep, perhaps right here on the bathroom floor.
2. Yay! I’ve got room for more drinks!

"Fuck you, buddy. I already did."

Should You Have More to Drink?
A good question, one that is usually answered with an unqualified “yes.” Listen for some of these common signalling phrases (most of which will be stumbling out of your mouth, so it may be wise to get a second party [PAAAAAAARRTTTYYYYY!!!!! – ed.] to corroborate):

I’m losing my buzz!
Unqualified yes.

Whose sister do I have to fuck to get another drink around here?
Unqualified yes. (And: Barry’s sister, actually.)

I’m going to make a booze run!
Are you driving?
– Yes. (Unqualified yes.)
– No.   (Unqualified yes. And one for the driver.)

I don’t think I can drink any more.
Unqualified yes. But have a small one, like a shot of Rumpleminze.

I can’t feel my face.
Unqualified yes + one (1) bump of coke.

I’ve got to get back and study.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! Unqualified yes.

I think I’m bleeding internally.
What am I? A doctor? Hell-unqualified-yes, motherfucker! (Med students are allowed to answer this question with the addition of the word “yet.”)

[Slipping into a coma]
No. (But only because it would require some sort of intravenous intervention to continue drinking. Check with the med students.)

I’m being arrested!
If you can get “one for the road,” by all means, do so.

Stop fucking my sister! Here’s your goddamned drink!
Unqualified yes. (Double up. You’ve just been through something which could be construed as traumatic if you weren’t so wasted. Get a double for your sister as well. The “sister-fucker” only needs a single.)

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 39 – (Almost) Familiar to Millions Edition

April 11, 2010

There comes a time in every DJ’s life when he looks around the dancefloor and sees it’s time to slap the dancers upside the head (musically-speaking). At this point, he will root around in the bag and find something guaranteed to both a.) move asses and b.) appeal to the largest cross-section.

Voila! The remix. If done well, it becomes a go-to track. If not, there’s always tomorrow night, or next week or whenever.

These are done well.

Slightly undercooked, but still tasty:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Still not enough music? Check out Hidden Leaves’ Friday throwdown, in case you’re still trying to sober up/drown out the voices/finish reading the 5,800 word article on quantum physics. A few weeks back saw Ulysses indulging his SWPL-esque rap fetish and following weeks have seen artists as diverse as Charles Mingus and skatepunkers The Saints.

Led Zeppelin – Immigrant Song (Dirty Funker Remix).mp3
The mysterious Dirty Funker comes from the UK, a mystical place where thousands of people gather in boggy fields and dance until NME announces the “next big thing.” Whoever he is, DF does some amazing mixes, rerubbing everyone from Metallica to Nirvana to Michael Jackson to the White Stripes.

This one goes large, approximating Bonham’s thunder with a brutal 808 and spinning dials back and forth for maximum effect. Tuff, danceable and huge.

White Stripes – Seven Nation Army (Adam Freeland Mix).mp3
Last week’s fan favorite returns to win your hearts, minds and organs beyond with his thumping take on the White Stripe’s already pretty thumping Seven Nation Army. The real fun is the pitchshifting tweakery on Jack White’s low-slung guitar work, which gives the track a nicely discombobulating feel.

Guns & Roses – Welcome to the Jungle (Dirty Dub Hole Mix).mp3
Well, with variety being the spice of life and all, here’s another solid mix by Dirty Funker, this time under the charming Dirty Dub Hole moniker. Lest you mistake my attempted metaphor-mixing for a pan of this track, be advised that it does kick serious amounts of ass on several levels, not the least of which is the all the panning going on inside, which flows nicely with the faux-power kill effects.

Yep. That should make it all crystal clear. Just listen.

Blur – Song #2 (Edu K Remix).mp3
Perhaps the most gregarious of Blur’s tunes, Song #2 seemed to be their Creep, the kind of inescapable hit that has all the frat boys mouthing your words and the all the sorority girls mouthing the frat boys.

So Ed Banger artist Edu K does what anyone with his talent would do: BANG BANG BANG BANG. Takes a bad song and makes it badder. If you thought all that woo-hooing was played out, well, you just ain’t heard it like this before. (Truth be told, most of the annoying “woo-hoo” has been removed and replaced with large doses of distorted, pitchshifted samples and banging dancefloor drums.)

CCR – Fortunate Son (Streetlab Remix).mp3
Good ol’ Creedence. Lebowski knows what I’m talking about. NYC electronic duo Streetlab have an inordinate amount of fun, taking this classic rock staple and getting it all pimped up and ready for the floor. Lots of pitching, shifting and knob twiddling of the non-sexual type.

Go hit up their website. They’ve got a whole album full of remixes (Pet Shop Boys, Beastie Boys, ZZ Top, Led Zeppelin) available for the low, low price of one email address.

Bonus track: (Just listen.)

O.M.G.

Well, I hope you enjoyed them all. That last track was, of course, J.D. remixed by Database. If you wish to have this piece of Americana tainting your hard drive, go ahead and right-click on the O.M.G. to download it.

– CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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Motivation

April 9, 2010

Only one thing counts in this world: get them to sign on the line that is dotted. And initial here… here… and here. This page will need to go to a notary public… two more signatures here… sign and date here… and… one more… here.

While you were out, we secretly switched your coffee with Closer’s Brand Crystals.

You drove here in a Hyundai. I drove here in a leased company vehicle, which prominently features our company name and phone number on the sides. They’re magnetic. That’s free advertising right there.

Now our potential customers no longer have to wonder who it was that crossed three lanes of traffic to flip them off. They’ll be able to put a name to the face that is angrily pointing out their watch to them. And they’ll finally know who’s been calling up their daughter and berating her about her selfishness.

You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes licensing from accredited agencies. This holds true for any state you wish to sell real estate in. This is a legitimate business, after all.

I’d wish you good luck by I’m not a superstitious person and I really don’t have much sympathy for those who are. I like to say “Be well.”

You see this watch? This watch costs more than your car. You know how I know that? I’ve got a little side business as an appraiser. It gives me a little bit of a buffer zone for those “steak knife” months.

The good news is: you’re fired. No, wait, that’s not good news at all. Let me rephrase that: you’re fired.

-CLT