Posts Tagged ‘Taxes’

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Balancing the Federal Budget

September 11, 2009
Hey, asshole. Sure, the gloves get rid of the fingerprints, but the sleeves are a dead giveaway.

Hey, asshole. Sure, the gloves get rid of the fingerprints, but the sleeves are a dead giveaway.

As the nation’s deficit continues to skyrocket, politicians are scrambling to come up with solutions to counterbalance their reckless spending.

I kid, of course. The politicians could care less. They’re too busy trying to shoehorn someone’s useless airport into the back pages of our latest trillion-dollar fiasco. So while they look for more ways to sell your kids up the river, we have come up with a few suggestions on how to get the income to match the spending (or carpet to match the drapes, whichever comparison gets your attention quickest).

Fly-by-night tax collection agencies.

Check the White House sofa for any millions that may have slipped beneath the cushions.

Bake sale every Friday – first theme: “Fine. Score one for the bumper sticker-buying hippies. A bake sale to fund a bomber purchase.”

Pay wall for government websites.

Audit fucking everybody.

National “Swear Jar.”

Reorganize the government as a non-profit; accept donations from other countries.

$8 admission fee for illegal immigrants.

Buy more generics.

Effective tax rate on top earners to increase to 110%.

Federal withholding tax will now include a 35% “convenience fee” and a $10 “handling charge” (tip of the hat to Ticketmaster).

Same thing with filing a tax return.

Andrew Jackson was well known for his controversial views on slavery; love of floating pie charts.

Andrew Jackson was well known for his controversial views on slavery; love of floating pie charts.

Federal Disaster Relief packages now limited to a Sympathy card and whatever cash the people at the office chipped in ($43).

Several hundred post offices to convert to malfunctioning self-service kiosks.

Air Force One limited to one (1) “major city buzzing” per administration.

FDA Testing Department trimmed to one person: Karl “the Iron Stomach” Magnusson.

Casinos fucking everywhere.

Hell, smokers have an unlimited amount of money, right?

Americans encouraged to adopt foreign teens and immediately have them seek employment.

Increase the budget for “Alchemy R&D.”

Start accidentally knocking some zeroes off the end of the deficit total. Just until it’s down to something manageable.

Annex Central America and the rest of North America. Tax the hell out of our “new citizens.”

Take advantage of Australia’s penal colony status and stash our tax-dollar eating federal inmates “down under.”

Trim the DEA’s funding by 90%. Anti-drug operations going forward to consist of D.A.R.E. t-shirts and occasional “Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?” hysterics.

Yeah motherfucker. You may have my wallet, but I got your money-leaking hat!

Yeah motherfucker. You may have my wallet, but I got your money-leaking hat!

All national parks and wildlife preserves to be converted immediately to money-making resorts/amusement parks/petting zoos.

All retail transactions to be “rounded up” to next even dollar amount, with difference going to “Deficit Spend-Down” account.

President, Cabinet to look for second jobs.

Library of Congress to “aggressively pursue” late fees.

When buying Congressmen, lobbyists must now pay a 25% service charge.

Secret Service now off nights and weekends.

Proposed bills now must be printed using both sides of the paper.

All interstate road work to be subcontracted to KFC.

Iraq, Afghanistan operations to convert to “Operation: We Can’t Fight All Your Battles for You.”

More “sexually attractive” government employees now required to “turn tricks” 4 hours a day.

Americans encouraged to “give till it hurts.” Or be hurt.

-CLT

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Letters to the Editor

August 14, 2009
Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

In our endless efforts to collect as much useless information as possible, our research team at Fancy Plans has compiled the letters to the editor from nearly 300 major newspapers (including AP, those litigious motherfuckers). After several days of sifting data and making shit up, the final tallies rolled in.

We now present you with the most common topics for letters to the editor, listed in order from most common to least common. There’s no need to thank us. Your slightly drunken smiles are all the payment our abused interns need.

Questioning periodical’s political leanings
Abortion rights (against)
Abortion rights (for)
Low voter turnout
Gun control (for)
Gun control (against)
Gun control (undecided)
Gay marriage (against)
Gay marriage (for)
Gay marriage announcements

Taxes (too high)
Taxes (too low – gasoline)
Taxes (too low – cigarettes)
Taxes (too low – porn)
Taxes (drunken rambling about the price of cigarettes and porn)
Taxes (pro-Tea Party)
Taxes (anti-Tea Party)
Taxes (Biggest and Best State evar!) 

How the old days were better
Reckless driving (teens)
Reckless driving (elderly)
Calls for a four-way intersection to be installed directly in front of writer’s house
Why did the library stop “renting” videotapes?

City councilman baiting 

Oil prices too high
Oil prices too low (Al Gore; Prius dealers only)
Why ethanol is a waste of money
Why ethanol is the best thing since overpriced produce

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

Congratulations for all involved at poorly-attended local event
Complaints about low turnout at poorly-attended local event
Why “X” needs more public money for “Y”
Why property taxes need to be raised
Public school suxx
Public school roxx
Public school = free babysitting!

Complaints about public’s ignorance of obscure nationality-specific quasi-holiday
Inappropriate language in PG movie
Inappropriate language at local baseball game
Inappropriate language at Denny’s

Conspiracy theories (birth certificate)
Conspiracy theories (Sept. 11)
Conspiracy theories (Billy Mays + Freemasons + U.N. + Grand Theft Auto IV = Four Horseman of the Apocalypse)
Conspiracy theories (My two apartment neighbors are stealing my paper, alternating days)

Astroturf grab bag

Church attendance (too low)
Church attendance (too high – c’mon folks, chip in. The folding chairs won’t pay for themselves.)
Utility bills (too high)
Utility bills (conspiracy theory crossovers)
Utility infielder (Mark Bellhorn)

Disagreements about Top 50 Songs of the New Millennium (misdirected from Spin magazine?)
Griping about lack of support for piss poor local team
Unruly zoo animals
Lists of platitudes
Drunken tirades
Inexplicable defenses of Liz Taylor; Diana Ross

Medicare Plan B not covering brand name medication, 14K Gold MedicAlert bracelets, Enzyte
Medicare Plan B not covering jack shit, apparently
I’m sorry. Could you speak up? I’m a little hard of hearing.

The bad service the writer got at local business no one gives a shit about
Not enough handicapped parking spaces at local business no one gives a shit about
Owner of local business that no one gives a shit about defending lack of parking spaces, jackass employees and begging people to please, please, please start giving a shit

Concern about lack of coverage given to issue near and dear to only the writer
Irritable letter displaying the writer’s false sense of entitlement
Pointlessly bitchy letter in response to large number of recent pointlessly bitchy letters
Wandering, pointless letters about cats, landscaping issues, Mad Dog 20/20, etc.
Letter from Mom (put in wrong envelope)

Well written, thought-provoking letters

-CLT

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Obama Polishes “Water Redistribution Plan;” Promises to “Walk on Same in First 100 Days”

January 9, 2009

Obama’s tax hike plan is nothing more than a shameless vote-grabbing ploy. Nothing new for a Democratic candidate. Pretending that the government can, or even should, “redistribute” wealth is toying with the ignorance of the average American voter.

The government has no business being in the redistribution business. They have already proven they can’t handle wealth. They’ve never had any of their own and they don’t play very nicely with the wealth of others. They broke the “unbreakable” deficit clock, for chrissakes.

They certainly can’t create their own. Every one of their projects operates at a larger and larger loss year after year. Drug war? Lost. Educational system? Overfunded and underperforming. Special interest groups? Well-funded at our expense.

It’s time for every politician who promises to redistribute wealth to put our money where their mouth is. They want to pretend it’s not some headline-grabbing, appeal-to-the-lowest-common-denominator punishment. Well, let’s try it this way.

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