Posts Tagged ‘Quotes’

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Rescued from the Cutting Room Floor: The Best Previously Unpublished Charlie Sheen Quotes

March 8, 2011

Charlie Sheen prepares for an early morning strafing run by summoning his cocaine-serving robot.

Due to the nature of the beast that is the white, powdery monkey on Charlie Sheen’s back, many of his interviews have been trimmed to fit the time allotted. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your level of fascination with this ongoing train wreck), this means that some of Sheen’s biggest proclamations have been excised in order to fit his self-absorbed ranting into an hour-long interview format.

The following is a brief selection of quotes that never made it to the airwaves due to time constraints or some sort of editorial concern over exactly how much “crazy” they were allowed to air uninterrupted. Enjoy.

  • “I’m currently crafting a trained army of attack falcons… well, more of an air force, really…”
  • “Gary Busey? Jake Busey? Winners! Third book of the Necronomicon being written now by these gnarlingtons.”
  • “I sleep only 40 minutes a night, serenaded by air raid sirens and Norwegian black metal.”
  • “Those of us who are actually still rad are still using ‘rad’ all the time. A new wave of BMX destruction is at hand, all before you get your fuckin’ Venti whatever, yuppie.”
  • “TZ [Todd Zeile] and I have spent the last four nights cock-blocking down at the Chicken Ranch because we are insatiable and our waters run deep, my friend.”
  • “We’re also druid shadow priests. Chaotic neutral. No alignment. Take that however you will.”
  • “[Jon] Cryer is buckwheat pancakes with oat bran seasoning. He’s like Jiminy Cricket crossed with John Harvey Kellogg. I’m not sure he’s ever produced semen in his life.”
  • “It’s not a mixtape without Sister Christian. Write that shit down, Alan. Gospel.”
  • “While doing Shaolin monk training with Keith Carradine in Tenochtitlan, Mexico, we ate Alfonso Ribeiro’s heart. A warning: don’t bet on bullfights. You can’t beat the locals.”
  • “Blowing money on coke and hookers is nothing. You aren’t really spending money until you’re ordering Kharma speakers online at 3 am.”
  • “As far as I’m concerned, the only legitimate president we’ve had in the past 600 years was Thor, or as he was born, Nikolai Tesla.”
  • “Do you what makes me absolutely histrionic, absolutely batshit crazy? Just coke, bro. Just this essence. It’s the rich man’s ‘white lightning,’ man. Without it, empires fall. Markets collapse. Human life is devalued. Santa dies.”
  • “I once had sex with seven women simultaneously. It was like Jesus with the five loaves and fish but instead it was with penises and tongues. When you’re winning, doors open for you and miracles are commonplace. Commonplace enough to be almost annoying.”
  • “[To a member of the studio staff] Your mom’s like Aleve, d-bag! All day strong, all day long! In the ass!”
  • “Two albums. Both with Mojo Nixon. Next year.”
  • “I’ve been certified as a nutritionist in 14 states. 40 minutes of sleep a night leaves you a lot of downtime. I maximize.”
  • “If I go down or CBS invalidates my contract, I’ve got a whole list of Hollywood people’s real names in my lawyer’s safe. Try me, Chaim. I have data. DOB. DNA maps. For real.”
  • “Scientologists have Jennifer Grey’s real nose. I traded it for their alchemy secrets.”

-CLT

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Motivation

April 9, 2010

Only one thing counts in this world: get them to sign on the line that is dotted. And initial here… here… and here. This page will need to go to a notary public… two more signatures here… sign and date here… and… one more… here.

While you were out, we secretly switched your coffee with Closer’s Brand Crystals.

You drove here in a Hyundai. I drove here in a leased company vehicle, which prominently features our company name and phone number on the sides. They’re magnetic. That’s free advertising right there.

Now our potential customers no longer have to wonder who it was that crossed three lanes of traffic to flip them off. They’ll be able to put a name to the face that is angrily pointing out their watch to them. And they’ll finally know who’s been calling up their daughter and berating her about her selfishness.

You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes licensing from accredited agencies. This holds true for any state you wish to sell real estate in. This is a legitimate business, after all.

I’d wish you good luck by I’m not a superstitious person and I really don’t have much sympathy for those who are. I like to say “Be well.”

You see this watch? This watch costs more than your car. You know how I know that? I’ve got a little side business as an appraiser. It gives me a little bit of a buffer zone for those “steak knife” months.

The good news is: you’re fired. No, wait, that’s not good news at all. Let me rephrase that: you’re fired.

-CLT

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Great Moments in Stage Banter

May 19, 2009
Morris Day and the Time perform to their largest crowd yet.

Morris Day and the Time perform to their largest crowd yet.

A key part of any concert experience is the performers’ interaction with their audience.  A cold shoulder can lose a fan forever, but a few personal moments will win a fan for life. Some highlights from around the musical world:

The Rolling Stones, Altamont 1969
Mick Jagger: Like Keef said, any complaints about the Hell’s Angels excessive use of force must be addressed to ClearChannel Communications. Use a second page if necessary.

Limp Bizkit, Woodstock 1999
Fred Durst: Yo, we been hearing things about some possible rape going on out there? If there is, could you bring that action a little closer to the front of the stage. Thanks, bros. Alright, this is “Nookie.”

Metallica, Boston 2000
James Hetfield: Shawn Fanning? Mr. Shawn Fanning? Security would like to meet with you by the first aid tent.

U2, Los Angeles 1998
Bono: I’d like to take a moment to discuss the trade deficit…

The Cure, Hammersmith Palais 1987
Robert Smith: As you know, this will be our final tour…

G.G. Allin, Cleveland 1984
If the person in the third row could please return my feces… I’ll be needing them for my next song.

Nickelback, Little Rock, 2006
Chad Kroeger: And if you’ll look at the back of the ticket, you’ll see a coupon for 2-for-1 sandwiches at Subway. Subway! Eat Fresh!

Mozart, Salzburg 1778
Just a warning to the first three rows: you will get wet. This one’s off my latest sheet music, Violin Sonata No. 21 in D Minor.

Robyn Hitchcock, Minneapolis 1993
Fine. Jesus. Just… fine. “I see the birdies in the trees…”

The Beatles, Shea Stadium 1965
John Lennon: Ah. We have a birthday announcement for a Mr. Mark Chapman. Happy birthday, mate! And he’s requested “Happiness is a Warm Gun.” That won’t do at all, especially since we haven’t written it yet. How about “Twist and Shout?” Now there’s a proper party song…

The Cure, Wembley Arena 1989
Robert Smith: As you know, this will be our final tour…

Backstreet Boys, Orlando 1997
The Ugly One: Thank you, thank you. We love you, Orlando. Before we do our last song, we’d like to take a little of your time to talk to you about the trade deficit…

The Jesus and Mary Chain, London 1985

Metallica, Montreal 1992
Lars Ulrich: As our lead singer has burst into flames, we will only be able to perform a couple of more songs. “One” and perhaps one more… Any requests?

Alice Cooper, Venice Beach 1998
Anyway, shot about a 38 on the back nine, well under my handicap. Here’s “I’m 18.”

Nickelback, Austin 2008
Chad Kroeger: And on the back you’ll find a coupon for 1/2 off at your local Jiffy Lube. Trust me, you’ll want to get the Complete Care Package…

Bob Dylan, Newport 1965
Sure, you’re bitching now. But just wait. They’ll be shoving crap at you like Stone Temple Pilots: Unplugged. Over and over. Where’s your Judas now?

2Live Crew, Miami 1986
Luther Campbell: Hell, yeah! You bitches are crazy! Crazy! Alright, we gonna get nasty and get that bitch Tipper all wet! Sheeeit! But first we gonna talk a bit about that fucked-up trade deficit…

Prince, Coachella 2008
I’m gonna close with one of MY songs, Radiohead’s “Creep.”

The Cure, Los Angeles 1993
Robert Smith: Thank you. This will be our final tour. Thank you. See you in 1998.

Eagles, Oakland 1994
Don Henley: I’d like to welcome you to the Eagles’ “Second Mortgage Tour.” In addition to 90 minutes of our harmless AOR, you’ll notice that your tickets can be exchanged for 2-for-1 sandwiches at Subway. Quite a deal for $450.

Oasis, Royal Albert Concert Hall 2003
Liam Gallagher: Since my brother Noel, that cunt, is laying in a pool of his own blood, we have only a couple of songs left. Songs I wrote. And for an encore, I will beat our fooking bassist to death.

Raffi, Denver 1995
I’ll only say this once more: get those children seated and quiet or I swear to God I’ll call it a night. Once more and it is fucking over! Got it? Then you’ll have to deal with their crying asses all the way home. Alright, this is “Bananaphone.”

Garth Brooks, Houston 1996
As you may know, I’m about to surpass the Beatles as the best-selling artist of all time. So, I’d like to take a moment to speak to you about the sale and purchase of used CDs. If this sort of thing continues, I will be forced to record an album of even shittier music under another name to make up the difference. You’re really only hurting yourselves. Cheapasses.

The Rolling Stones, Altamont 1969
Mick Jagger: All right, all right. Cool it. Let’s cool it, please. C’mon. Please. That’s good. That’s beautiful. Keef, play something. Beautiful. Let’s just stay cool and take it easy and everything will be beautiful. Thank you. Let’s stay cool. Keef has somefink he’d like to say about the trade deficit…

Jackson Browne, Charlotte 1991
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You’ve already told her twice. Hahahahaha. Wooooo. Well, here’s another favorite, “Tender is the Night.”

The Residents, San Francisco 1972
Thank you everyone. And let me take some time to introduce our fabulous band. Rick Wakeman – keyboards, Wolfgang Van Halen – guitar, Don Brewer – drums, Sean Yseult – bass. I’m, of course, Harry Connick Jr.

Toby Keith, Nashville 2007
(While accosting a drunken heckler): I say, could you bring him to the stage? Thank you. Son, what’s your name? A little louder. Preston. Preston, what do you do for a living? You… don’t. Well, what would you like to do for a living? The NASCAR pit crew, how exciting!

Well, Preston, suppose for a moment you were in the “pit crew.” How would it feel for you if I came down to the crew area and insulted you and made it hard for you to do your work? It wouldn’t be nice, would it. You have work to do and I’m getting in the way.

Preston, there’s no need to swear. I feel the devil alcohol has aided and abetted you in your attempt to stop me while I’m at work. We can get you help. Or you can promise to sit quietly while I finish the show. You are enjoying it, aren’t you? You must be. You have paid to get in.

Thank you. That’s very sweet. There’s no need to cry, young Preston. Return to your seat and I will finish this show in style. I shan’t disappoint. A hand for Preston here. And Preston, please see someone about your drinking before it truly gets out of hand…

The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Woodstock
Jimi: Since my last remaining guitar has burst into flames, I’m afraid we will only be able to do a couple more songs…

Grateful Dead Reunion Tour, Seattle 2003
Phil Lesh: Alright, listen up you thieving hippie bastards. The only reason we let you record every show was because Jerry thought it would be “cool.” He’s gone now, so shut off the recorders and hand them over to security. And get rid of that weed, too. That was Jerry’s bag and frankly we’re all sick and tired of never being able to get that “high-school parking lot” smell out of our clothes. I sincerely hope you people don’t vote.

John Denver, Minneapolis 1981
If the good people in the first three rows could possibly give back the feces I hurled in there earlier? Fantastic. I’ll be needing them for my next song, a protest of sorts dealing with a subject near and dear to my heart, the trade deficit.

-CLT

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Just Call Me Malfunctioning Eddie

May 2, 2009
Bartender, give me your strongest, cheapest drink.

Bartender, give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

In all the compiling of Futurama quotes (Vol. 1, Vol. 2, Vol. 3), I got carried away and forgot the love. No, wait. That was definitely there. Too much of it, perhaps.

No, I forgot to post the greatest Bender quote of all. The one which truly has a million uses, as we all have found ourselves in places or situations we couldn’t get away from fast enough (paternity tests, traffic court, office spirit committees).

“Well, I’m sick of this room and everyone in it.”

Please accept my humble apologies for this oversight and enjoy these three Futurama tunes.

The Elves’ Xmas Song.mp3
Robot Hell.mp3

The Bureaucrat Song.mp3

-CLT

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion V. 3

May 1, 2009

Volume 3 – Philip J. Fry, Turanga Leela and other Random Characters

The final set of quotes, all needing only a minimum of editing to break the ice at events such as: your child’s circumcision, “family planning” office small talk, anger management classes, prom chaperoning or public indecency arrest. Enjoy!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Philip J. Fry

  • Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex.
  • But you’re better than normal, you’re abnormal.
  • I don’t like having discs crammed into me… unless they’re Oreos… and then only in the mouth.
  • I’ve got to stop living in the past, by which I mean the future.
  • I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
  • Hey, did everything just taste purple for a second?
  • Don’t you worry about “blank.” Let me worry about “blank.”
  • There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics that are more important than me.
  • It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
  • They’re like sex, except I’m having them!
  • I don’t regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
  • I can’t wait til I’m old enough to feel ways about stuff!
  • We’re in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
  • I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
  • Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
  • When will young people learn that playing “Dungeons and Dragons” doesn’t make you cool!
  • It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.
  • Well, it used to be milk… and time makes fools of us all.
  • I’ll show ye.
  • People said I was dumb, but I proved them!
  • Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
  • But existing is basically all I do!
  • Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you’re gonna be lonely.
  • I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.
  • It’s hot in here! The butter in my pocket is melting!
  • Maybe you can’t understand this, but I finally found what I need to be happy. And it’s not friends. It’s things.
  • C’mon guys, tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999… again.
  • Ow! My sperm!
  • I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Of course, it was tough love but…
  • No need to pack pants, people. Let’s roll!
  • My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
  • Wow! Check out that guy! He makes Speedy Gonzales look like regular Gonzales.
  • We’re all sick of your new upbeat outlook on life.
  • These new hands are great! I’m gonna break them in tonight.
  • All right… It’s Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all Rush mix tape. Let’s rock!
  • Because it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female.

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 2

April 29, 2009

Volume 2 – Professor Farnsworth, Hermes Conrad & Dr. John Zoidberg

Another pack of exciting quotes, compiled by hand with little regard to clarity or comprehensiveness. Use them at your next NA meeting, MLM conference, PETA protest or any other acronym-related activity.

Even I thought I was insane when I came up with my latest invention...

Even I thought I was mad when I came up with my latest invention...

Professor Farnsworth

  • Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!
  • If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the Angry Dome!
  • Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you.
  • Sweet zombie Jesus!
  • Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs?
  • Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news!
  • Oh dear! She’s stuck in an infinite loop, and he’s an idiot! Well, that’s love for you.
  • I’m sciencing as fast as I can!
  • I can wire anything directly into anything – I’m the professor!
  • In his absence I am calling a mandatory company meeting. To the mandatorium!
  • Oh, I never knew how much I’d miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.
  • My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable!
  • There’s just one little problem, and it’s a big one.
  • Good God! Just knowing we’re in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo!
  • Choke on that, causality!
  • Everyone’s always in favour of saving Hitler’s brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooohh! Suddenly you’ve gone too far!
  • Tonight’s a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.
  • Now, now! There’ll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.
  • If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo.
  • I don’t know how to teach. I’m a professor!
  • This is uncomfortable and humiliating! Now, if they could put it the form of a suppository…
  • Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can’t have either one.
  • Don’t do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case for the love of God. Don’t not do it!
  • Yes, yes, yes! You sound like a broken mp3.
  • With that big new Romanticorp contract, I’ve been able to make those government mandated upgrades you’ve all been suing me about.
  • This isn’t a business. I’ve always thought of it more as a source of cheap labor. Like a family.
  • Very well! Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!
  • A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished! Oh, the Jedi’s are going to feel this one.
  • Oh no! I should do something….but I am already in my pajamas.
  • Some say I’m robbing the cradle, but I say she’s robbing the grave.
  • I only have a few years left to live, I don’t want to spend them dead.
  • That’s whatever you were talking about for you…
  • I’m beginning to think there’ll be no forced mating at all.
  • Perhaps it is your attitude that needs a good bending! A 90º bending! To a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
  • It’s the Apocalypse all right. I always knew I’d have a hand in it.
  • Ah, to be young again, and also a robot.
  • This thing isn’t worth the gold it’s made of.
  • So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
  • That’s going to bleed when my heart beats.
  • Who needs courage when you have… a gun!

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 1

April 27, 2009

Volume 1 – Zapp Brannigan and Bender Bending Rodriguez

With a little tweaking any of these quotes could be shoehorned into your next awkward situation, be it business meeting, first date, intervention or distant relative’s funeral.

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Zapp Brannigan

  • Oh, god. I’ve never been so happy to be beat up by a woman.
  • In the game of intergalactic chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
  • Come back when it’s a catastrophe.
  • If we hit that bulls-eye rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
  • My strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it.
  • When I’m in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
  • I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan. At your service.
  • You know, I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.
  • If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
  • I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
  • We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
  • Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream: to kill him, so we don’t have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.
  • Same speed ahead!
  • Ladies, you’re under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again.
  • Hell of a thing sending another universe to certain doom. Lots of fun, though. Makes a man feel big.
  • The quickest way to a girl’s bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in.
  • I’ve never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about.
  • Teenagers all smoke, and they seem pretty on the ball.
  • You win again, gravity!
  • Call me cocky, but if there’s an alien out there I can’t kill I haven’t met him and killed him yet.
  • Stop exploding you cowards!
  • What makes a man turn neutral… Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
  • Perhaps I could paint the fence, or service you sexually? Or mop the floors.
  • Let me ask you a serious question: Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine…
  • Fly the white flag of war!

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