8:58 AM – George Bush taken on final walkthrough of the White House and reminded to check closets and drawers for any items forgotten. Bush also notified that all damage to Bill of Rights will be coming out of his deposit.
10:00 AM – Joe Biden sworn in, and in an unexpected turn of events, decides to read his own handwritten oaths. After 45 minutes and the use of the phrase “blasting across the salt flats in a rocket-powered, monkey-driven…,” the crowd begins to thin out.
11:45 AM – First celebratory car torching in Detroit.
12:00 PM– Obama sworn into office. Officially becomes first deity to serve in the White House.
12:01 PM– World’s Largest Circle Jerk concludes with the blogosphere collectively erupting in self-satisfied orgasm. Blog authors return to normal output of gadgets, porn and celebrity watching.
12:01 PM– Miami Dolphins sale fails to conclude before Obama takes office. Wayne Huizenga turns into a pumpkin, fully completing the Dolphins 2008 Cinderella metaphor.
12:38 PM – Mississippi secedes from United States, questioning integrity of segregated White House.
1:15 PM– Washington D.C. citizens report pockets of celebratory drive-bys; home invasions.
2:40 PM– As Obama enjoys the Inauguration Parade, America’s top 500 richest citizens declared a combined total taxable income of $4,719.63 for 2008.
3:31 PM – A painkiller-addled Rush Limbaugh refers to the presidency as the “ultimate in Affirmative Action.”
3:42 PM – A painkiller-addled Brett Favre announces his wish to lead the Jets to “at least 8 or 9 wins” and “put a little space between me and all the others on the all-time interception list.”
7:00 PM– Obama attends first of 10 inaugural balls.
7:45 PM– Rod Blagojevich arrested for scalping ball tickets.
8:41 PM– Will.i.am turns away members of boomer-rock favorite, the Eagles. Don Henley protests: “We always get the invite to play all sorts of events; presidential inaugurations, multi-million dollar fundraisers, closed door shareholders’ meetings, or overpriced arena tours.” Later that night, Will.i.am is overheard telling a confused Obama, “It’s cool, dawg. I got rid of the Beatles.”
9:21 PM– Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Don King turned away from the night’s festivities by staff who indicate the “Must Be this Articulate to Ride this Ride” sign. A combination of obscenities and completely made-up words is overheard from the trio.
10:11 PM– Obama surprises crowd with some sleight of hand tricks, producing two doves, a dozen roses and a U.S. birth certificate out of thin air.
10:41 PM– GM CEO Rick Wagoner is overheard asking a cornered Obama for “just a couple hundred million until next week.”
10:52 PM – The question of the evening surfaces: where all the white women at? After much discussion, the consensus seems to be “the Midwest, probably.”
11:15 PM – Prior to taking the stage with the Who, Pete Townsend is asked to refer to the new boss as “very much different than the old boss, actually.”
11:38 PM– A bitter, drunken Don Henley is overheard stating, “All that bastard has done since leaving the Fugees is rip off one 70’s band or another.”
1:41 AM– As festivities begin to wind down, Rod Blagojevich is released on his own recognizance.
1:43 AM– Blagojevich arrested for soliciting an undercover officer.
3:10 AM– Obama calls it a night; sets alarm for 6:30 AM. Wife informs him “there is no way we can get up that early.” Obama informs her, “Yes, we can.”
7:10 AM – Taxpayers presented bill for $177 million.
7:13 AM– Blog submission finalized.
7:17 AM – ebaumsworld.com posts this article as an “original.”