Archive for January, 2009

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Remake Remodel

January 24, 2009

Primal Scream – Some Velvet Morning (feat. Kate Moss)

Slowdive – Some Velvet Morning

Perhaps one of the most covered tunes ever taken in two very different directions.

primalscreamPrimal Scream ditches most of the verse and chorus in favor of the heavy drug reference in the opening line (some velvet morning when I’m straight), sung in a raspy falsetto over a pulsing and swaggering electronic beat. Kate Moss, appropo of nothing, chimes in with some passable vocals on the chorus.

Perhaps Kate Moss, being the last of the old school supermodels, added something to the recording sessions with her steady diet of bottled water, black market Dexatrim and unfiltered cigarettes. You know, in addition to the powdered mirrors and bent spoons normally required. Primal Scream don’t strike me as much of a pot band.

slowdiveSlowdive cast their gaze to their shoes and scatter minor chords about on their spacey runthrough. Synth washes and a complete tempo shift at the chorus round out the complete package. Nice use of boy/girl alternating vocals.

Bonus: Primal Scream’s video for “Some Velvet Morning”:

-CLT

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Art of the Remix – Round One

January 23, 2009

House of Pain vs Micky Slim – Jump Around (Deadmau5 Remix)

Deadmau5 takes on Micky Slim’s remix of that old wedding standard, “Jump Around.” Micky Slim himself hails from Birmingham (no, not that one, the one where people speak English and read) and has been “on the scene” since 2005.

houseofpainjv1House of Pain. Little is known about this white-boy rap group but apparently they conquered the frat houses of the 90’s with their gruff, but well-meaning, jumping. They didn’t quite change the world, or even the (da’) rap blueprint, but they did bring a modicum of respect to the proud Irish traditions of drinking and fighting.

After the House’s breakup, frontman Everlast filed for cultural bankruptcy and reorganized under the name Everlast. (Ed: Hmmm.)

Under his new old name, Everlast reconquered frat houses with his po’-faced singer-songwriter act, producing the hit single “What It’s Like,” which added a fractional layer of depth to many a douchebag’s record collection, allowing them to get drunk chicks into the sack at a slightly faster rate.

Not much has been heard lately from the former director of pain housing. Unfortunate, considering he easily had twice the talent of his contemporary, brain-stem operator Uncle Kracker. However, diminishing returns show up alarmingly fast when you multiply by zero.

deadmau5v2Long story short: Deadmau5 lays out a punishing rhythm and abandons it 3 minutes in to present the opening verse of “Jump Around,” almost unedited, before flattening it again with his powerful, and oversized, novelty head. Retains just enough of the original to surprise chin-strokers on the dance floor, but not enough to make it flashback night. Well done.

Overall rating (on a scale of 1 to Mitsubishi): 8. Possibly related fatalities (unconfirmed). Highly recommended.

All mp3s are only temporarily available. If you like what you hear, please support the artists. If you wish to have a track removed, please contact me at 2timegrime@gmail.com.

-CLT

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“It’s Only Money.”

January 23, 2009

MoneyToSinge

What the fuck. Seriously. What the fucking fuck.

Use of this phrase indicates that A.) the size of your paycheck is inversely proportionate to your brain size; B.) you are an underemployed/unemployed hippie/slacker/wastel; or C.) you live in Zimbabwe.

Because the last time I checked, money was the only thing I had to exchange for goods and services. The barter system is long gone and you can only abuse the good people at the refunds desk for so long before they start demanding that actual money be involved.

Your local utility company isn’t going to accept bags of various grains in exchange for some of their tasty electricity. They’d be about as impressed as I would, if my employer suddenly started tossing sheep into the back of my truck every two weeks.

The other issue I have with this phrase is that it almost always comes out of the mouth of some observant asshat whose money is safely out of harm’s way.

At a loss for words? Try something smarter, like the following.

Money doesn’t talk. It swears. – Bob Dylan

“You can’t own land, man.” “Oh, I can, but that’s because I’m not a penniless hippie.” – Prof. Farnsworth vs. Protester

Money costs too much. – Ross MacDonald

It’s a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money. – Albert Camus

Money can’t buy friends but it can get you a better class of enemy. – Spike Milligan

Not money, fifteen million dollars. Money does your laundry. Money buys your groceries. Fifteen million dollars is not money. It’s a motive with a universal adapter. – Joe Sarno (James Caan), The Way of the Gun

-CLT

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Taxpayers: “We Can’t Swallow Another Gax Tax Hike”; Government: “Good News! It’s a Suppository!”

January 21, 2009

The National Commission on Surface Transportation Infrastructure Financing is the second group in a year to call for increased fuel taxes. Projected shortfalls due to reduced gas consumption led the committee to recommend an “increase of as much as 40 cents a gallon in the gas tax, phased in over five years.”

This gas tax increase is being called for to make up (and I really, really hesitate to call this “lost”) revenue lost due to decreased driving, more fuel efficient cars on the road and shift to other fuels.

So… on one hand the government demands that American car companies produce more fuel efficient vehicles (with corresponding taxpayer bailout) and throw more tax payer dollars into dubious “fuel technologies” such as ethanol and then seek to punish us for being more efficient and driving less?

This does not even reference the highly questionable productivity of our government’s own highway construction and repair service, a department that is known to spend excessive amounts on non-essential projects to ensure their budget does not shrink. Does anyone out there have a positive anecdote dealing with road construction? Show of hands?

The commission itself is aware that this tax revenue is unsustainable. Simple economics dictates that rising gas prices (this time, artificially) will cause a reduction in gas consumption.

The solution?

“According to a draft of the financing commission’s recommendations, the nation needs to move to a new system that taxes motorists according to how much they use roads.”

Perfect. Get ’em coming and going.

And as if this whole scenario weren’t as infuriatingly regressive and stupid enough, they have a response for those concerned about the government tracking individual vehicles:

“Moore said commission members were initially concerned that using technology to track driving might violate drivers’ privacy, but they’ve been assured that such a system could be designed to prevent vehicles from being “tracked in some big brotherish way.”

How refreshing. A government official assuring me that the government will not overstep its bounds and abuse its power. I’m sure a system could be designed to keep Big Brother out, but not if Big Brother is helping design it.

At this point, the taxpayer is beginning to feel like Jennifer Connelly’s character in the closing minutes of “Requiem for a Dream,” bracing for impact as the all-knowing government leers and shouts, “Ass to ass!”

Which isn’t really fair to the taxpayers. At least she scored some heroin. Right?

-CLT

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Blogging Obama’s Inauguration (SPOILERS!!!)

January 20, 2009

obama_air_force_ones

8:58 AM – George Bush taken on final walkthrough of the White House and reminded to check closets and drawers for any items forgotten. Bush also notified that all damage to Bill of Rights will be coming out of his deposit.

10:00 AM – Joe Biden sworn in, and in an unexpected turn of events, decides to read his own handwritten oaths. After 45 minutes and the use of the phrase “blasting across the salt flats in a rocket-powered, monkey-driven…,” the crowd begins to thin out.

11:45 AM – First celebratory car torching in Detroit.

12:00 PM– Obama sworn into office. Officially becomes first deity to serve in the White House.

12:01 PM– World’s Largest Circle Jerk concludes with the blogosphere collectively erupting in self-satisfied orgasm. Blog authors return to normal output of gadgets, porn and celebrity watching.

12:01 PM– Miami Dolphins sale fails to conclude before Obama takes office. Wayne Huizenga turns into a pumpkin, fully completing the Dolphins 2008 Cinderella metaphor.

12:38 PM – Mississippi secedes from United States, questioning integrity of segregated White House.

1:15 PM– Washington D.C. citizens report pockets of celebratory drive-bys; home invasions.

2:40 PM– As Obama enjoys the Inauguration Parade, America’s top 500 richest citizens declared a combined total taxable income of $4,719.63 for 2008.

3:31 PM – A painkiller-addled Rush Limbaugh refers to the presidency as the “ultimate in Affirmative Action.”

3:42 PM – A painkiller-addled Brett Favre announces his wish to lead the Jets to “at least 8 or 9 wins” and “put a little space between me and all the others on the all-time interception list.”

7:00 PM– Obama attends first of 10 inaugural balls.

7:45 PM– Rod Blagojevich arrested for scalping ball tickets.

8:41 PM– Will.i.am turns away members of boomer-rock favorite, the Eagles. Don Henley protests: “We always get the invite to play all sorts of events; presidential inaugurations, multi-million dollar fundraisers, closed door shareholders’ meetings, or overpriced arena tours.” Later that night, Will.i.am is overheard telling a confused Obama, “It’s cool, dawg. I got rid of the Beatles.”

9:21 PM– Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Don King turned away from the night’s festivities by staff who indicate the “Must Be this Articulate to Ride this Ride” sign. A combination of obscenities and completely made-up words is overheard from the trio.

10:11 PM– Obama surprises crowd with some sleight of hand tricks, producing two doves, a dozen roses and a U.S. birth certificate out of thin air.

10:41 PM– GM CEO Rick Wagoner is overheard asking a cornered Obama for “just a couple hundred million until next week.”

10:52 PM – The question of the evening surfaces: where all the white women at? After much discussion, the consensus seems to be “the Midwest, probably.”

11:15 PM – Prior to taking the stage with the Who, Pete Townsend is asked to refer to the new boss as “very much different than the old boss, actually.”

11:38 PM– A bitter, drunken Don Henley is overheard stating, “All that bastard has done since leaving the Fugees is rip off one 70’s band or another.”

1:41 AM– As festivities begin to wind down, Rod Blagojevich is released on his own recognizance.

1:43 AM– Blagojevich arrested for soliciting an undercover officer.

3:10 AM– Obama calls it a night; sets alarm for 6:30 AM. Wife informs him “there is no way we can get up that early.” Obama informs her, “Yes, we can.”

7:10 AM – Taxpayers presented bill for $177 million.

7:13 AM– Blog submission finalized.

7:17 AM – ebaumsworld.com posts this article as an “original.”

-CLT

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Olly Moss Remakes Classic Movie Posters

January 18, 2009

ollydeerhunter

Awesome in an incredibly German minimalist way.

-CLT

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Inanimate Object of My Affection #2

January 18, 2009

The Roland TB-303.

Roland TB-303

Its tweaked and distorted take on bass has formed the basis for several incredible acid house singles and when mangled by the very best, adds a layer of piercing, wobbling threat to otherwise metronomic dance tracks.

Roland kicked out this bass emulator from 1982-84. Its stated function was to be a bass accompaniment for bedroom guitarists when practicing alone. As such, it was a miserable failure.

This failure led to its success in the late 1980s as the weapon of choice for techno and house producers.  The 303’s unique 3-pole filter and low voltage failure settings allowed aspiring bedroom artists to bypass the presets and tear it a new basshole.

Phuture’s “Acid Tracks,” released in 1987 was the first to make use of the 303’s signature squelchy “wow” sounds.

Hardfloor topped it in 1992 with the release of “Acperience.” The 303 bubbles and churns throughout the track and takes over completely during the middle drop. However, the Hardfloor boys seemed to be more interesting in tweaking the 303 than delivering a dependable 4/4 as the beat slips and slides all over the place. Truly a nightmare to mix in cleanly. 

joshwink1Josh Wink delivered “Higher State” in 1995 as the be-all, end-all thesis on 303-tweaking. The bass distorting percolates and steadily rises to a full boil, culminating in a piercing tone that bears more than a passing resemblance to the Reid brothers shoving their guitars through their amps. Unfortunately Josh would never achieve this peak again, no matter how long the dreads.

The famous/infamous Norman Cook (under the nom de DJ “Fatboy Slim“) delivered the acid house single of a lifetime, “Everybody Needs a 303” in 1996. Featured below is the B-side to “The Rockafellar Skank,” “Tweakers Delight,” a DJ tool featuring only the 303 bass lines from his earlier single. Fun stuff.

Hardfloor – Acperience.mp3

Josh Wink – Higher State.mp3

Fatboy Slim – Tweakers Delight.mp3

All mp3s are only temporarily available. If you like what you hear, please support the artists. If you wish to have a track removed, please contact me at 2timegrime@gmail.com.

-CLT