Archive for the ‘WTFBombs’ Category

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Rescued from the Cutting Room Floor: The Best Previously Unpublished Charlie Sheen Quotes

March 8, 2011

Charlie Sheen prepares for an early morning strafing run by summoning his cocaine-serving robot.

Due to the nature of the beast that is the white, powdery monkey on Charlie Sheen’s back, many of his interviews have been trimmed to fit the time allotted. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your level of fascination with this ongoing train wreck), this means that some of Sheen’s biggest proclamations have been excised in order to fit his self-absorbed ranting into an hour-long interview format.

The following is a brief selection of quotes that never made it to the airwaves due to time constraints or some sort of editorial concern over exactly how much “crazy” they were allowed to air uninterrupted. Enjoy.

  • “I’m currently crafting a trained army of attack falcons… well, more of an air force, really…”
  • “Gary Busey? Jake Busey? Winners! Third book of the Necronomicon being written now by these gnarlingtons.”
  • “I sleep only 40 minutes a night, serenaded by air raid sirens and Norwegian black metal.”
  • “Those of us who are actually still rad are still using ‘rad’ all the time. A new wave of BMX destruction is at hand, all before you get your fuckin’ Venti whatever, yuppie.”
  • “TZ [Todd Zeile] and I have spent the last four nights cock-blocking down at the Chicken Ranch because we are insatiable and our waters run deep, my friend.”
  • “We’re also druid shadow priests. Chaotic neutral. No alignment. Take that however you will.”
  • “[Jon] Cryer is buckwheat pancakes with oat bran seasoning. He’s like Jiminy Cricket crossed with John Harvey Kellogg. I’m not sure he’s ever produced semen in his life.”
  • “It’s not a mixtape without Sister Christian. Write that shit down, Alan. Gospel.”
  • “While doing Shaolin monk training with Keith Carradine in Tenochtitlan, Mexico, we ate Alfonso Ribeiro’s heart. A warning: don’t bet on bullfights. You can’t beat the locals.”
  • “Blowing money on coke and hookers is nothing. You aren’t really spending money until you’re ordering Kharma speakers online at 3 am.”
  • “As far as I’m concerned, the only legitimate president we’ve had in the past 600 years was Thor, or as he was born, Nikolai Tesla.”
  • “Do you what makes me absolutely histrionic, absolutely batshit crazy? Just coke, bro. Just this essence. It’s the rich man’s ‘white lightning,’ man. Without it, empires fall. Markets collapse. Human life is devalued. Santa dies.”
  • “I once had sex with seven women simultaneously. It was like Jesus with the five loaves and fish but instead it was with penises and tongues. When you’re winning, doors open for you and miracles are commonplace. Commonplace enough to be almost annoying.”
  • “[To a member of the studio staff] Your mom’s like Aleve, d-bag! All day strong, all day long! In the ass!”
  • “Two albums. Both with Mojo Nixon. Next year.”
  • “I’ve been certified as a nutritionist in 14 states. 40 minutes of sleep a night leaves you a lot of downtime. I maximize.”
  • “If I go down or CBS invalidates my contract, I’ve got a whole list of Hollywood people’s real names in my lawyer’s safe. Try me, Chaim. I have data. DOB. DNA maps. For real.”
  • “Scientologists have Jennifer Grey’s real nose. I traded it for their alchemy secrets.”

-CLT

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The Stabbing Knife Vol. 5: Doubleheader Edition

January 15, 2011

Don't sweat it, Roberto. I'm completely made of Tuesday.

If it’s completely true that snitches get stitches then it’s doubly true that self-righteous idiots who attempt to sand down the world’s rough edges through censorship get the business end of Roberto’s stabbing knife. And it’s been awhile, so we’re having a doubleheader. On to the wetwork.

We’ve all heard the phrase “One person can make a difference,” and we’ve all nodded thoughtfully while thinking, “Bullshit.” Just like the eternally optimistic phrase “Every vote counts” allows us to feel like our voice matters in the political arena, the sad truth is that one person has no chance in hell to make significant changes, especially in well-established institutions with years of history behind them.

And then something like this happens.

An anonymous (to us, anyway) complainant has singlehandedly gotten Dire Straits’ Money for Nothing removed from radio airplay in Canada. As many of you are probably thinking, what the fuck for?

This anonymous complainant (hereafter “AC” for the sake of my fingers) was offended by the use of the word “faggot,” which pops up three times as the narrator critiques the hair metal dominating MTV at the time. If you’re not familiar with the lyrics, I’m not going to run them down for you here. Perhaps you can get in touch with AC as you are apparently the only other English-speaking person alive who has not heard this overplayed rock radio staple several hundred times in their life.

A homophobe and his headband rarely part.

Having heard this track 26 years after it was released, AC sprung into action. Assuming the role of spokesperson for the entire gay (or “gey,” as I assume it’s spelled in Canada) community, AC fired off a letter to the offending station demanding they remove the song from airplay.

“A song was aired, “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits, and included the word “faggot” a total of three times.  I am aware of other versions of the song, in which the word was replaced with another, and yet OZ FM chose to play and not censor this particular version that I am complaining about.

I find this extremely offensive as a member of the LGBT community and feel that there is absolutely no valid reason for such discriminatory marks to be played on-air.”

At first, they blew her off, albeit in a very kindly fashion, running down the reasons for keeping it in the rotation and citing precedent.

“In this specific case, the song in question has been played countless times in its original form, from its #1 release in 1984 to the present day, and continues to be aired on stations across the country in this form.  As this selection has been aired continuously for 25+ years, and the original version is regarded by many as an historically successful and essential rock hit in that form with these particular lyrics, management chose in this specific instance to retain the authenticity of this selection.”

“We understand the concerns you have raised regarding this particular selection and do apologize for any undue stress caused to you as a listener by the lyrical content of this selection, but based on the above reasoning, we have operated with the understanding that in this specific case, no editing of the material is warranted.”

That should have been that.

The C stands for "Capitulation."

Not good enough. AC was still perturbed and fired back, using a lot of words but mainly pointing out than anything less than removal or censorship of the track would be unsatisfactory.

“I am highly dissatisfied with the response I have received.  I do not feel the argument in favour of the unabridged version of the song was valid, and it is certainly not strong enough to justify playing such words on the radio.  This word carries an unavoidable connotation of hate.  By airing it unapologetically on the radio, this station is indirectly propagating hate.  Although I can see the value in a timeless classic rock song in its original form, I cannot help but feel that it does not overshadow the importance of ending discrimination.”

The CBSC, not wanting to be seen as “propagating hate” or not being really on board with “ending discrimination” through continued airplay of a 26-year-old song, consulted and decided in her favor, issuing a lengthy missive explaining their reasons for removing the track.

So, apparently, one person can make a difference.

Now, before you get all inspired and head out to start a carpool or become a locavore or write your Congressman in an attempt to rid hotels you don’t even patronize of PPV porn, take a good, long look at what this is.

This isn’t justice. This isn’t David triumphing over Goliath. Hell, this isn’t even the local repertory theater’s production of Pay It Forward.

This is myopic, narcissistic bullshit.

This is saying, “This song offends ME. Change it. Fuck everyone else.”

It’s not that I think Money for Nothing is a classic work of art or that using the word “faggot” is ok in all circumstances. But maybe, just maybe, this instance is alright because FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THE SONG HAS BEEN OUT FOR 26 YEARS AND YOU WANT TO CENSOR IT NOW??

For Christ’s sake (or so they say), the Parents Television Council is always trying to censor this or that offending bit of culture but at least they’ve got some sort of quorum and the signed petitions and email carpet-bombing to back it up. I don’t agree with them ever but at least it’s not just one person wheedling away with a 2-year-old’s sense of entitlement, moaning “I don’t like this! Changeitchangeitchangeitchangeit!!!”

Dr. Alan Gribben is unaware that his moustache is on slightly crooked.

This is no different than Twain scholar Alan Gribben who’s working tirelessly to crank out a version of Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn, free of the troublesome word “nigger,” which has coyly been replaced with “slave.” (Also on the chopping block: “Injun” and “Half-breed.”) Once again, lots of history but at least in this case he’s not the first person to censor or ban this book.

“The idea of a more politically correct Finn came to the 69-year-old English professor over years of teaching and outreach, during which he habitually replaced the word with “slave” when reading aloud. Gribben grew up without ever hearing the “n” word (“My mother said it’s only useful to identify [those who use it as] the wrong kind of people”) and became increasingly aware of its jarring effect as he moved South and started a family. “My daughter went to a magnet school and one of her best friends was an African-American girl. She loathed the book, could barely read it.”

His main issue seems to be that it makes him “uncomfortable,” especially now that he’s relocated to the South. If he can’t handle using this in its historical context then he probably shouldn’t be teaching. Obviously it’s too much to expect that he might provide his students with the historical background or engage them in a discussion of how hearing/reading this word affects them.

No, I guess it would just be simpler to jack Tom Sawyer’s brush and whitewash the shit out of an American masterpiece. Even worse, he’s teaching a new generation that if something offends you, you should get rid of it no matter its history or context or importance to other people who aren’t you.

In this era of self-victimization thousands of people are running around with a chip on their shoulder and hot tears of self-righteous humiliation in their eyes. Why should something that offends them need to disappear? Are these self-appointed guardians of our culture really that selfish?

If you think that you might be offended by the word “faggot” leaking out of your speakers in the near future, just shut it off or dial away when you hear the very distinctive opening of Money for Nothing. And if you think you might not be able to handle the word “nigger” in print then just fucking read/teach something else, you projecting bastard.

Stabbity-stabbity-stab-stab-stab.

Quick postscript: Reaction to the ban of Money for Nothing has been pretty much completely negative. Here’s a typical take from an actual gay man, Scott Thompson (Kids in the Hall):

“Shakespeare would be rolling over in his g-word,” said Thompson, the 51-year-old actor/comedian best known for his work with the Kids in the Hall troupe.

When you ban a word, you make the word more powerful. All this banning that’s going on just makes (the hate) go deeper and deeper into the soul, where it festers. Let it it out. I want to know what you really think. I can handle it.

“It makes me feel like we’re five years old and need to go potty. The n-word, I guess, is number 1 and the f- word is number 2.”

Check on previous victims here:
ASCAP
Steve Dahl
Garth Brooks
Bono

-CLT

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Searchfest! Vol. 1

December 13, 2010

An intermittent roundup of what people are actually looking for when they stumble across our homepage. (“How intermittent?” I hear you ask. [Presses “Mute”.])

(Note: those of you fearing for the future of the world after reading through this probably NSFW list should keep in mind that some of these searches are singular, so it’s probably just a loose confederation of perverts rather than some sort of worldwide breakdown in ethics/spelling.)
  • alien sex fiend
  • slint
  • rick james

[Can’t go wrong with these first three. We’ve always had a bit of a musical slant and to be the go-to source for ASF is a very fine thing indeed.]

  • hellfish hoax

[Cryptozoology: another one of our major endeavors. Apparently.]

  • velva sheen tee

[I blame RF for this. This and the worldwide popularity of soccer/football/futbol.]

  • black boy vintage

[With enough vintage, I would presume you kind of have to start referring to them as “men.”]

  • prepubescent

[Ted, knock it off. That’s a company computer.]

  • breech presentation

[We do know pregnancy, esp. complications thereof.]

  • nobunny do the fuck youreself

[A recent addition, now with extraneous remix!]

  • president willard harvard

[Whom?]

  • delivery room
  • woman pregnancy drink

[The ends justifying the means while also searching for the liter-a-day justification.]

  • kids flowchart of the malting system

[Honestly, kids need to understand the malting system better. It’ll help them decide which beer should be purchased for them by their 21-year-old Uncle Enabler.]

  • appetite for destruction banned cover value
  • wolfgang amadeus mozart
  • wolfgang amadeus mozart pictures

[These are all related, but some are more related than others.]

  • pregnant women picture drinking

[Sorry, mom. I was going to take the photo down but it’s drawing so many pageviews!]

  • scrooge’s christmas carol

[Revisionist history.]

  • lion tamer school

[Se habla espanol.]

  • Волфганг Амадеус Мозарт

[Ебать да!]

  • donald duck dick

[Limited edition collector’s plate.]

  • douglas adams remix

[This is remarkably specific.]

Precisely.

  • guide to binge

[Do whatever. Excessively.]

  • hurted penis

[A well-placed dickpunch often strips away grammatical functions, if only temporarily.]

  • bangin naked chicks

[What the fuck? Did the rest of the internet suddenly run out of porn?]

  • john denver in a santa hat

[And nothing else.]

  • grinderman+bellringe blues+meaning

[Bellringe blues, n., sl. – To have caught your “bell-end” in a hand wringer whilst trying to proposition the laundrywoman.]

  • inanimate object affection

[Syn., necrophilia.]

  • christmas shoppers paradise carter usm free mp

[Spend your money, girls, on sprays and lipsticks/Tested on bunnies, girls, strays and misfits]

  • gravity powered naked girls

[Nothing is more flattering for naked girls than hundreds of pounds of centrifugal force.]

Shortly after this shot was taken, Karen was hit by a bouquet of roses, suffering multiple fractures and contusions.

  • boy 5-stick-figure

[That’s not a boy. That’s Karen Carpenter.]

  • spelunking jokes

[We’re up to Volume 8 already…]

  • andrew eldtritch hat

[Near-mint condition. Never exposed to the sun’s rays. Smells faintly of fog and acrimony.]

  • longest blonde hair

[Little know fact: Rapunzel? Actually Jewish.]

  • harvard university degree

[I can print you out one right now. My Lexmark sports near-professional 320 dpi.]

If you squint, it looks like someone's having some sex...

  • alien sex picture

[Most likely resulted in the above, rather than you know, actual aliens getting their freak on.]

  • stevie wonder songbook download

[It’s incredibly hard to download braille. Might need some sort of codec…]

  • doll girl naked

[Ted. Seriously. They log everything.]

  • breech position at weeks

[Information for “null” weeks is pretty hard to come by.]

  • prepubecant girls

[Ted? Could you meet me in the IT lab? And turn your spell-checker on.]

  • human league pics

[Still tops in the universe!]

-CLT

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Architecture: An Interpretive Dance in Eight Parts

May 6, 2009
Lord help me, I hate this band.

Lord help me, I hate this band.

As a former DJ and constant music fan, I just thought I’d waste your time with some things I find depressing, annoying or just confusing.

Classic Rock
I know a lot of people who are classic rock fans but seem to only be interested in the outer surface. Their CD collections will contain Bread, Meatloaf, lots of Lynyrd Skynrd, Molly Hatchet, Billy Squier, Journey, etc., but nothing from Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones or the Beatles. Not to make the automatic assumption that the listed bands are worse (although they are) but that ignoring some of the greatest classic rock bands seems almost criminal.

The Beatles
Yeah, they were awesome. I just really don’t care for 90% of their output and that do-gooding sonofabitch Paul McCartney’s insistence on staying alive and producing weak music certainly isn’t helping.

mp3 Collections
Nothing wrong with them. I have a huge one. But with all the music out there, how come some peoples’ collections look like the playlist for the last 20 years of radio? There are millions of gigabytes of music out there but their players make me believe that they’ll never enjoy life as much as they did in high school.

Van Halen
See also Classic Rock, mp3. Who are you people who insist that Van Halen improved once they ditched the only member with a personality? I can’t see it, unless Haggar just tapped into the zeitgeist that was clamoring for more power ballads. See also: Aerosmith – the Armageddon years. (Note to Aerosmith: If your name isn’t Lynyrd Skynrd then country “artists” shouldn’t feel comfortable covering you.)

DJs/Electronica Artists’ Full-Length Albums
Why do godawesome DJs insist on delivering shitty full-length albums with radio-friendly four-minute tracks and flavor-of-the-week guest vocalists? The mainstream isn’t what brought you your success, so stop pissing off your actual fans while polishing turd (featuring T-I!) after turd (featuring Rhianna!) in an attempt to impress the easily-impressed.

It’s a little like heading to the club and watching your favorite DJ turn on the radio.

Case(s) in point: Timo Maas, any album past their first three for both the Chemical Brothers and Fatboy Slim, Paul Oakenfold, the Crystal Method.

Possible exception: the Brighton Port Authority, Fatboy Slim’s new supergroup. His/their debut album features some standout tracks featuring David Byrne (Toe Jam), Iggy Pop (He’s Frank) and Ashley Beedle (Should I Stay or Should I Blow?)

People Who “Don’t Get” Rap
Don’t worry about it, no one’s trying to sell it to you. There are plenty of others willing to pick up your slack. I’m not a huge fan myself, but I don’t wear everyone out with my insistence that it’s not a viable art form. Especially when the entire argument is wholly encompassed in this dandy of a line: “I just don’t get that rap crap.”

For instance, I don’t really care for classical music. Millions of people love it. Millions more pretend they do so they don’t get labeled Philistines. But I would never sum it up with something pithy like, “Whatever. But I don’t see them putting out anything new.”

I Don’t Get Jazz
I just don’t. People have tried to turn me on to it with basically the same persuasive arguments they use to try to get me to drink beer. “You haven’t tried the right beer/band.” “You’d like it if you drank/listened to more of it.” “Drink/listen to it for awhile and you’ll get used to it.”

I’m sure all these beer/jazz arguments also work for anything unpleasant like roadkill removal or terminal diseases.

Music Genres I Think I Like More Than I Actually Do

Prog Rock
Reading reviews and hearing a few select tunes has made me think this would be right up my alley. After all, I like a lot of space rock and that’s pretty much right in the ballpark. I really like the individual members of King Crimson but collectively most of their output sounds like several instruments in search of a tune.

This leads me to believe that proficiency does not equal listenablilty. (It’s a word. It’s my word.) It’s like several gifted musicians all doing their own thing.

I’d much rather listen to bands whose musical fundamentals are severely limited. Like the Jesus and Mary Chain, who shoved one guitar through an amp and made as much noise as they could with the others. Or Suicide, who set their synths and drum machines to stun and wandered around picking fights with their audience. Or, to bring things up to date, A Place to Bury Strangers (JAMC followers) and We Are Wolves (somewhere between Suicide and Death From Above 1979).

And as for the space rock, Hawkwind may be great and all, but they too often (especially in the live recordings) sound like a less-focused Grateful Dead. With more flute.

Electro
There are a million bedroom producers creating a million electro tracks. Some are fucking awesome (i-f’s Space Invaders are Smoking Grass, Westbam’s Agharta, Solvent’s My Radio, Zombie Zombie’s entire album A Land for Renegades) but most are a cliche casserole of clicks, bleeps and deadpan vocals. But I’ll still read some blog somewhere that will say nothing more than “Awesome electro track!!!” and away I go.

the Fall
Not really a genre, but prolific enough they could be one. I love Mark E. Smith’s delivery and his lyrics can be amazing, but I think the danger lies in the fact that they’ve released 1,392 albums over the last 30 years. There’s got to be something that could have been scrapped or left in the vault. But as a blogger, I totally get the mentality that “if I created it, it should be released.” See also: Guided by Voices, Prince.

Krautrock
As a theoretical fan of prog rock and an actual fan of repetitive beats, you’d think this would be right up my alley. But with the exception of a handful of tracks by Neu!, I honestly can’t say I’m impressed.

Some of the more contemporary artists, carrying on the proud German tradition of making sterile, emotionless music, have caught my ear. Fujiya and Miyagi’s Ankle Injuries, Stereolab & Nurse with Wound’s Simple Headphone Mind and a few tracks from Death in Vegas’ Satan’s Circus.

It just doesn’t click with me often enough. I can handle 13 minutes of 303-noodling in Laurent Garnier’s Acid Eiffel, but not 13 minutes of drum lessons from Can.

Go figure.

-CLT