Archive for September, 2010

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Branson, Missouri Calendar of Events

September 26, 2010
Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

[Hiatus swiftly turning into a sabbatical. Here’s another from the archives to keep the dust from settling… Pay close attention to the botched BTO joke. Originally published May 12, 2009.]

Summer’s on its way and it’s never to early to plan for a visit to garish Branson, Missouri. Birthplace of Richard Branson, CEO of Virgin Airlines, Branson offers many varied events for the discriminating traveler. In fact, nothing sums up the Branson experience more than discrimination!

May

  • Jim Nabors Circus and Sideshow
  • Bing Crosby: Fatherhood (6-drink minimum)
  • Planter’s Nut Tasting: Spotlight on Filbert
  • Blue Angels Flyover
  • Branson Young Republicans Present: Beginner Trust Fund Investment
  • UFC! 22
  • American Idol Contestants #344, #12,077 and #61,008
  • Infomercial Taping
  • The Best of the Sanitized Internet: Brought to You by AOL
  • Shat! – The Life and Times of America’s Most Beloved Entertainer. A William Shatner productions featuring William Shatner as himself.

June

  • Andy Rooney: the Original Shock Jock
  • The Hour of Power featuring the Reverend Al Sharpton
  • Cops:Live!
  • Nickelback: 75 Minutes of Your Life That You’ll Never Have Back Tour
  • Annie, Get Your Gun featuring Charlton Heston as himself
  • Robert Fulghum: Tiresome Platitudes for Everyday Situations
  • Estroven Presents: Hot Flashes of Passion featuring Air Supply and Rick Astley
  • It Feels a Little Damp! Might Rain! Better Bring a Coat! – Daily weather brought to you by Up With People!
  • Community Service Theater Presents: The Vagina Monologues featuring Dana Plato and Lisa Bonet
  • Does This Look Done?: Your Guide to Branson’s Early-Bird Buffets
  • Napalm Death – All Ages Show

July

  • Rosie Grier’s Microwave Cookery and EMT Training
  • Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner – starring Sinbad! and Carrie Prejean. Spencer Tracy’s role will be played by Brian Dennehy; Katherine Hepburn’s role will be played by C-3PO in a wig.
  • Expired Copyright Film Festival
  • Russell Simmon’s Def Comedy Jam
  • Sansabelt Presents: Pat Boone in the Round
  • David Cross Insults Your Belief System
  • The Minor Chords: Barbershop Quartet Stylings from John Oates, Jim Messina, Art Garfunkel and Andrew Ridgeley
  • Christopher Reeve in President for Life: The FDR Story (cancelled)
  • An Evening with Mr. Donald Mills
  • An Introductory Guide to Black Presidents
  • Tony Robbins: The IMAX Experience

August

  • Some of the Boys Are Back in Town! Three-fifths of Bachman-Turner Overdrive reunite to sing their greatest hit, over and over.
  • Dame Edna’s Ballet of the Transgendered
  • The Strangely Inappropriate Antics of the Stanford Marching Band
  • Agreeing to Disagree: Your VCR and You
  • American Flagg! – A Patriotic Musical
  • Blissfully Unaware Productions Presents: Watersports: Fun pool activities to guaranteed to provide the most “bang” for your “gang!” Also included: Our famous Afternoon Delight Buffet including Ron J.’s famous footlongs, fish tacos, tossed salad, cream pies and the winning entries from our Caribbean Meat Jerk-Off!
  • Who’s On First? starring Bill Buckner and Jack Clark (4-drink minimum)
  • Panthers Can Be White: An introspective look at the MC5 and the revolution that never was
  • Regis and Kathie Lee Together Again! – Now starring in David Mamet’s Sexual Perversity in Chicago
  • Bitching About How Things Used to Be: Featuring commentary from Sinbad! (“Women be different than men”) and Yakoff Smirnoff (“Russia be different than America”).

-CLT

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 3

September 21, 2010
[And here it is… the last episode of the fakest family tree to ever grace WordPress. Originally published July 7, 2009.]

Time for another dive into the historic dumpster called “Great Lion Tamers of the Past.” As in previous installments (see here, and also, here) we will cast a jaded eye back at the various scoundrels, ne’er-do-wells and boy band managers that secured the Lion Tamers place in history as society’s black eye.

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Jerome Noble Lion Tamer
As the proprietor of upscale strip-mall favorite “Barnes & Noble Heavy-Ass Coffee Table Books,” J.N. gained a reputation for only stocking the most ostentatious titles, each weighing no less that 25 lbs.

He is shown here handling, with disastrous results, Vol. 14 of the U.S. Constitution, on his way to the discount table. Only mildly popular, due to the tremendous amount of revisions, amendments and missing pages, all volumes of the Constitution usually wrapped up the year collecting dust with other deeply discounted tomes.

Older versions were often found placed next to such illustrious and swiftly forgotten favorites, such as The Collected Doodles of Lance Bass, Freight Cars of America, The Collected Nude Portraits of Gertrude Stein, and Booze Broads and Bedlam, the last of which soon became the children’s cherished sketch pad due to its enormous size and completely blank pages.

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Elijah Montegarde Lion Tamer
A former sideshow performer and the 1903 winner of the “Most Ungainly Hairdo: Facial Division” award, E.M. would often “entertain” guests with various feats of daredevilry featuring his indoor cannon.

Named “Congress,” not after the hair-triggered legislative branch, but rather in a very blatant and poorly thought out attempt at subtle innuendo (the other side says “Sexual”). “Congress” was often used as a very frightening form of foreplay in his deviant rumpus room, or “War Office.” E.M. often lamented that no matter how explicit he was about his preferences in his many Craigslist personals, most “War Office Key Parties” tended to be sparsely attended “sausagefests.”

E.M. died alone from a self-inflicted headwound as did “Little Elijah,” who succumbed to a self-inflicted gunshot wound from E.M.’s pistol, “Little Congress.”

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Octavius Rockefeller Lion Tamer
The richest man of all time, O.R. amused himself as only the insanely rich can: by doing insane (and insanely expensive) things. He spent a little over $7 million ($380 billion in today’s dollars) on reconstructive surgery in order to become the largest man on the Eastern seaboard.

Once finished with this physical ordeal, O.R. found it easy to “pocket” Congressmen and Senators, forcing them to run the legislative treadmill for years at a time.

With the Capitol building converted to a rib smoker, O.R. headed east to terrorize Europe and Asia. After a minor struggle with the 300-foot Spectre of Fascism, O.R. strode, unchallenged across Asia. His comeuppance finally occurred in downtown Osaka, Japan, where he was defeated by the eight wonder of the world: Mecha-Godzilla.

Though his outsized remains were greeted by thousands of mourners stateside, astute observers of the funeral noticed a disproportionate amount of “Thank god he’s dead,” and “It couldn’t have happened to a bigger prick” comments, leading modern historians to subsequently place mourners in quotes.

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Roderick Arthur Lion Tamer
Another in a long-line of circus and sideshow performers within the Lion Tamer clan, R.A. turned his years of scamming and entertaining rural yokels into a long run as the official Jester to the President.

After various attempts at politically-charged piano tunes and scathing Letters to the Editor, R.A. soon settled on his bread-and-butter, riding around like a idiot on his handcrafted Silver Dollar Unicycle. Having never bothered to learn juggling, R.A. would simply wave his hands about in a somewhat carefree fashion, using a sort of proto-juggling mime. More often than not, his act consisted entirely of his rolling, fake-juggling antics, all set to the “Benny Hill” theme for maximum comic effect.

Universally reviled, R.A. nonetheless lived a successful life. His show ran for 34 consectutive years as government red tape constantly delayed his dismissal and his multiple appearances in tear-jerking melodramas (The Good Doctor Adams Who Made Laughter from Tears; Good Morning, French Indochina!) gained him new fans, while simultaneously alienating his old ones.

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Phillip Albertson Lion Tamer
A consummate ladies’ man and clotheshorse, P.A. was often seen gadding about town, gold watch on a chain and rohypnol in his pocket. He is seen in this etching, posing for an etching while asking the artist’s assistant if she would like to come see his etching as soon as it is finished and hanging in his bungalow.

Blessed with a smooth tongue, a full head of hair and an honorary doctorate from the University of Phoenix Online, P.A. tore through the fairer sex of Upper Illinois, leaving illegitimate children and bounced checks in his wake.

During his declining years, P.A. began to take stock of his life. As the wolves of paternity bayed mercilessly (and metaphorically) outside his window, P.A. suffered a change of heart, when it went from “ticking away normally” to “not really working at all, is it.”

On his deathbed, P.A. asked his numerous bastard offspring and former paramours to gather close, at which point he delivered his final message to the world: “My will has never been proven legal. Good luck dealing with the state of Illinois and my next of kin, whom I alienated years ago.” His body was buried in the St. Mary Hospital parking lot, after being hurled from the 23rd story window.

His legacy lives on, however, as the tougher restrictions and faster moving wage garnishments have been entitled “Phillip’s Law,” which also requires those arrested for child support non-payment to post signs in their yard stating that they steal from children and single mothers and are required to stay at least 500 feet from bars, casinos, hotels and family planning clinics.

-CLT

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 2

September 12, 2010
[Thanks to a Dashboard date change, everything old is new again. Just like your virginity, having been restored to its rightful place (presumably near the “swimsuit area”) by a good old fashioned bout of praying. Originally published on June 7, 2009.]

As discussed in the previous installment, the Lion Tamer family history is a rich tapestry of thieves, liars, drunkards and mediocrity. We’ll take a look here at some more Tamers whose contributions to society were quickly nullified by their casually horrific actions.

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Jeremiah Murgatroid Lion Tamer
J.M. was best known for his hideous appearance due to a rare case of “boneitis.” This condition caused his skeleton to grow outside of his skin and troubled doctors all the way into the 30th century, when it was rediscovered in a time-travelling Gordon Gekko-esque businessman. He soon died of complications, having previously bought out the company that was working on the cure.

Despite his horrifying appearance, J.M. was a popular man, and was voted “Mr. Communist” three years running. He is pictured here attempting to persuade young Joseph McCarthy and his family to check out the “party.”

His three-year reign as “Mr. Communist” came to an end, when he was photographed shopping at Wal-Mart. He was stripped of his title, ceremonial sash, jaunty ribbons and any remaining skin.

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Abraham Martin Anjean Lion Tamer
As one of the operators of Massachusetts’ first puppy mills, A.M. was an opponent off all things animal-rights related. He worked tirelessly to ensure animal testing remained in place and fired off a fierce rebuttal to Upton Sinclair for his “reckless contempt for slaughterhouse workers,” encouraging him to retract his statements and say hi to his wife and kids, who we wouldn’t want anything to happen to.

He is shown here tweaking a nascent PETA by altering one of their protest signs, this one referencing their opposition of the Lone Ranger’s domestication of his horse. They also pointed out (somewhere) that they were a little miffed with his stereotyped sidekick.

This particular attempt backfired as the addition of the word “imperialism” caused widespread confusion, much like his unfortunate hairdo and his hand-built ladder, which narrowed inexplicably towards the top.

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Wolfram Alpha Lion Tamer
W.A. was a thriving performance artist, whose terrifying portrayal of Santa Claus as a homicidal nudist ruined Christmas for 12 years running. His one-man show, as portrayed in the Billy Bob Thornton docu-drama Bad Santa, did manage to win him the attentions of certain females with a Kris Kringle fetish.

One of his groupies, chanteuse and shoplifter Winona Ryder, is depicted here giving birth to twins during an ill-timed joyride to the hospital.

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Yancy Midcap Lion Tamer
Self-declared “Emperor of America” and amateur inventor, Y.M. is shown here preparing for a test run of his “Self Contained Overland Floating Apparatus.” Behind him is his life-partner Winthrop Danson Bryan, who was his faithful companion of 38 long and closeted years.

Y.M. doted on Bryan, often surprising him with “monogrammed” hats and other accessories. Bryan would return the favor by labelling every item of Y.M.’s clothing with various “hot” phrases, such as “Imperialism,” “Tammany Hall,” “Colonialism,” “Tea Bagging,” and “Too Big to Fail.”

Bryan aided Y.M. with several crackpot ideas and get-rich-quick schemes, including the Auto-Dialer, the Print Your Own Money at Home Movable Press System, the Patent Trolling Work-at-Home Program for the Infirm and Shut-Ins and, of course, Yuri’s Free Viagra, a joint-venture with his Prussian partner.

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Gladstone Rickenbacker Lion Tamer
Being only 5’3″ with a size 6 neck, G.R. had trouble finding properly fitting clothes, in particular accessories such as bow ties, neckties and cravats.

G.R.’s early success as a restaurateurincluded his chain of “Mississippi Fried Badger” restaurants, which thrilled the locals with its selection of fried foods and side dishes. Unfortunately, G.R.’s expansion plans bankrupted the business, as the rest of America was not ready for a fried selection of “critters,” no matter how tasty or secret the recipe.

G.R.’s insistence of appearing in all of the chain’s advertising was also an issue, due to his generally disheveled look, early onset Tourette’s outbursts and bowtie-muffled speech.

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Winstone Zephyr Lion Tamer
Referred to by his contemporaries as a “towering, blimp-like metaphor of a man,” W.Z. was known less for his perfectly competent drumming than his eternal struggle with his greatest nemeses: earth and gravity.

Regarded as “harmful crackpot,” W.Z. was often ridiculed and/or burned at the stake for espousing such views as: the earth revolves around the sun, solar eclipses are God’s punishment for Y.M. and Bryan’s relationship, women be different than men, double-coupon days lead to anarchy and Nickelback write subtle, nuanced music.

His unfinished 3,500-page diatribe, Fuck You Science, went with him to his grave, many of the pages badly singed from his multiple trips to the stake.

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Eleanor Genovese “Ma” Lion Tamer
A prodigious drinker and early proponent of women’s rights, E.G. ran a successful lunch stand, which was an intregal part of Kansas City’s cattle industry. Hailed by local food critics, her lunch stand was named “Stall of the Year” a record eight times. Among the praise showered on her:

  • “If you can get past the overwhelming smell of cow dung, you shan’t be disappointed…” – Kansas City Star
  • “You’ll return again and again for this selection of voluptuous sandwiches, and the view is nothing to thumb your nose at either…” – Midwestern “Events”
  • “After a heaping selection of breast meat, you’ll certainly want to wash it all down with Ma’s milkshake, which brings all the boys to the stockyard…” – FHM Magazine

-CLT

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Rraaiillss – 1098 (Hiatus Interruptus)

September 10, 2010

[Still on leave of absence, but I threatened to post as events warrant and this is one of those events…]

Sometimes something strolls into your life, dressed in pencil-thin leather pants, a ratty black t-shirt featuring a band you wished you’d heard of, radiating a confidence born of too many all-nighters and careless cigarette usage, all topped with an impossible hairdo.

As it leans casually into the nearest darkened corner and watches everyone else trying too hard, you get the feeling that it knows something you don’t. This is confirmed when it says, with a mixture of bravado and resignation, “I know something you don’t know.”

And you know that you’ll never really know what that “something” is because if you press, it’ll be gone. It has a million other places it could be. But for right now, it’s tantalizingly close. Close enough to touch but miles away internally.

This “something” was SPF85, which enigmatically sauntered into my life a few months back, bringing with it the memories of formative musical experiences. Specifically, it conjured up the time-and-place intersection of a newly flexed independence meeting the brothers Reid and their 1-2-3 punch of Psychocandy, Darklands and Automatic.

Rraaiillss, in a little under 4 minutes, channeled the life-changing sounds of the Jesus and Mary Chain, a band so confident they played deliberately antagonistic white noise gigs and served notice to the music world that not only could you harness a Beach Boys melody to an impaled amp, but you could do it without a drummer.

Not often can a song take you back 15-20 years while making you glad to be alive here and now. Only a rare few tracks can turn you back into the 19-year-old you were, breaking free of radio’s compressed myopia.

All of this overlong, incoherent intro is simply a meandering way to call your attention to the debut of Rraaiillss’ album, 1098, currently available to purchase and/or stream over at bandcamp.

As those of you who have heard the demos know, it’s incredible stuff. The JAMC touchstones are still very much there as one man band Adam Anderson maneuvers through this 12-song set. It’s a late-80s college radio feel so authentic you can practically see the department store Vox and its ridiculously small amp buzzing away in someone’s garage late at night, delivering hormonal riffs unfazed by the cheap-as-hell stock strings and faulty pickups.

But other influences are at work as well. Halogen arrives in a burst of white noise, landing somewhere in the neighborhood of My Bloody Valentine and Curve, all churning guitar undertow pushed along by a tireless drum machine set to “stun.”

FlossyNossy pushes its way into your carefully organized albums, making instant friends with your Chapterhouse LPs and House of Love singles collection.

Unlisted lucky 13th track What Time Is It? camps out on the Thames with the forces of the British Invasion, lugging with it a very welcome but somewhat impractical Wurlitzer.

All in all, a remarkable debut. It’s perfect for long drives during moonless nights or sunbaked, somewhat hungover, weekend mornings. It’s good-natured bad vibes, slightly warped and coated in restrained guitar fuzz. Catchy as all hell, too.

Buy/stream here:

Rraaiillss – 1098

-CLT

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past

September 6, 2010
[Oh, look! It’s some history! With pictures! Originally published May 24, 2009.]

In an effort to prove that not all Lion Tamers are insubordinate wastrels, here’s a brief history of just a few of the many great Lion Tamers of the past.

capitalistWilliam Danforth Lion Tamer
A noted robber baron and all-around good guy, William’s distinctive look came about after a long night of booze and opium. After chasing women and “the dragon” for several hours, he made an ill-fated visit to an underqualified plastic surgeon and tattooist, in that order.

W.D.’s penchant for mind-altering substances often caused him to appear in public with lewd phrases written on them. His long dormant patent for “Printing of Lewd Messages On or About the Buttocks of Garments” was snatched up by several clothing manufacturers around the turn of the century (21st, that is), including Aeropostale, whose slogan is “Drawing Attention to Your Daughter’s Ass Since 2005”.

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Ishmael Rimbaud Lion Tamer
Noted Detroit slum lord and general villain. Pictured here counting the monthly take with the highly-touted “scenic view” of “Eminent Domain Terrace” in the background.

Although he was one of the first landlords to provide tap water to his tenants (“Cold” and “Colder”), he was also known to mislead potential customers with promises of “breathable air” and “minimal silverfish infestations.” His last brochure promised “easy access to hundreds of limb-threatening jobs” and highlighted their proximity to “several leading schools, from which to draw your workforce.”

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Henry Monteblanc Pickwick Lion Tamer
H.M. Lion Tamer was a well-known raconteur and ladies’ man, due to his unnaturally large trust fund. He is shown here perusing an early issue of the self-published Daily Word Preƒƒ, featuring such diversions as:

Other popular features included 19-year-old Donald Mill’s fiery articles condemning the actions of his peers and Craigƒliƒt’s Miƒƒed Connectionƒ, which featured invitations to all sorts of debauchery and fisticuffs.

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Maude Beachcomber Lion Tamer
Maude, the protagonist of David Bowie’s Suffragette City, was a BDSM enthusiast who often showed “special treatment” to those in power. This portrait depicts her displeasure with “Silent” Cal Coolidge’s refusal to provide a safety word.

A 45-minute session ran around $12 and culminated in some affectionate bussing and a shocking glimpse of ankle.

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Reginald Nordstrom Lion Tamer
Noted early plastics innovator. His untimely death came about during a heated argument about the “future” between two of his employees, Benjamin Braddock and Lloyd Dobler. As he tried to break up the squabble, he was knocked into the pressure molder. Several hours later, R.N. has become the world’s first bobblehead doll, doomed to be given away at St. Paul Saints games for years to come.

He was eulogized with: “He threw his life into his work, inadvertently. Go Saints!”

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Jackson “Jack” Charles Lion Tamer
One of the few British Lion Tamers, J.C. travelled the world over, faithful umbrella at his side. A man of few words and fewer thoughts, J.C. never left the British Isles without his bandoleer, sword, chip on his shoulder and Union Jack shoved jauntily into his skull.

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Artemis Xerxes Lion Tamer
Cursed with gigantism, due to a thyroid condition and a vengeful God, A.X. enjoyed the rare privilege of being able to ride a roller coaster at the age of 18 months. Guiness declared him the “World’s Tallest Man,” a title he would hold from 1850-1899.

He, and other helpful but smaller giants, were a boon to the bustling railroad industry. His success was short-lived, however. Union Pacific heads soon discovered that he was not a “Chinaman,” and therefore, would be requiring real wages and full meal rations.

After this layoff, he travelled from town to town, terrorizing buffet owners and schoolchildren alike, offering “Sideburn Rides” for a nickel.

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Pierre Zimmerman Hilton Lion Tamer
Founder of the United States Magazine (or US Magazine), which lit the fire for such powderkegs as “Brad Cheats on Angie,” “Lindsay Lohan in Lesbian Love Triangle,” and “Kevin Federline Masturbates Furiously.”

Pictured here sitting literally on a powderkeg.

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Michael (Michelle) Nesbitt Lion Tamer
The first transgendered Lion Tamer, Michael left the country in 1901, fed up with the pressure of semi-regular voting and providing for a family due to his “breadwinner” status.

He returned from Sweden in 1902 as a woman, and immediately jumped into the Women’s Suffrage movement, leading protests for the right to vote and higher wages for women.

-CLT

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What Not to Do in the Magic Kingdom

September 2, 2010
Mickey Mouse: yet another victim of racial profiling

Mickey Mouse: yet another victim of racial profiling

[Nothing like ruining things for others. It’s what makes blogging “virtually the happiest place on earth.” Originally published July 7, 2009.]

Disneyland is constantly referred to as “the happiest place on earth” and it’s easy to see why. The culmination of Walt Disney’s love of animation and copyright extensions have turned parts of California, Florida and France into a paradise for children of all ages (more specifically, children ages 5-12).

For parents though, the reality is a mind-numbing combination of these aspects:

  • Watching your children in public
  • Standing in line
  • Dealing with other people’s children
  • Blowing ridiculous amounts of money

Is it any wonder that five years down the road the kids are getting stashed at Grandma’s while the parents head to Las Vegas to blow the college fund on roulette and Wayne Newton tickets?

Disney Corporation runs a tight ship to ensure the magic happens for everyone. The evidence of their quality control is everywhere, from the scared shitless would-be actors cowering in their mascot suits to the numerous sequels cranked out year after year, turning beloved favorites into just another piece of the franchise.

Peter Pan: arrested for transporting minors across dimensional lines; failure to fulfill EOE requirements (Hook v. Pan)

Peter Pan: arrested for transporting minors across dimensional lines; failure to fulfill EOE requirements (Hook v. Pan)

If you are planning to blow the equivalent of a used car in one weekend, it just makes sense to be aware of the many words and actions, often used in panic or frustration, that will hasten your exit from the Magic Kingdom.

Educating other guests about Walt Disney’s Nazi-sympathizing.

Asking any black employees if they are part of the Song of the South exhibit.

Asking why there are so few black employees.

Exclaiming “But I can buy this shit anywhere!” while in the gift shop.

Playing “Spot the Penis” at every promotional poster.

Covering your children’s eyes every time Donald Duck’s pants-less ass waddles by.

Speculating on Beauty and the Beast’s pre-transformation love life.

Pointing out that the estate of the Brothers Grimm would be paved with gold, if there was any justice in the world.

Exclaiming “But I can get this shit free with any Happy Meal!” while in the gift shop.

Spending all day in the World of Tomorrow Internet cafe, gaming the exchange rate in an attempt to turn a profit on your Disneyland Fun Bucks.

Telling staffers “You should build one of these overseas. The French just eat this kind of cheerily overdone bullshit up.”

Composing fan fiction anywhere with the park boundaries.

Jaywalking.

Entering the park dressed in a homemade, anatomically-correct mascot costume.

Informing Kurt Warner and his family that only “Super Bowl winners” are allowed to go to Disneyland.

Detained on charges of performing indecent fan fiction thereby corrupting many, many minors

Detained on charges of performing indecent fan fiction thereby corrupting many, many minors

Wandering around the set of High School Musical 4in a black trench coat.

Handing out pamphlets entitled: Anthropomorphism: Hell’s “Gateway” Drug?

Turning the It’s A Small Worldride into your personal soapbox to decry the failure of multi-cultural assimilation and/or a geography lesson explaining just how large the world actually is.

Asking for directions to Jellystone National Park.

Challenging any mascot to a/an:

  • Footrace
  • Arm wrestling match
  • Drinking contest
  • Round of strip poker

Referring to every other attraction as an “affront to God”

Demanding to see the Jonas Brothers Genetic Imagineering Compound to “verify the status of replacement Jonas Brothers, who will be released in case of sexual indiscretion, substance abuse, removal of purity rings or post-pubescent ugliness.”

Stating publicly “Sigfried and Roy’s bungalow during a weeklong amyl nitrate bender? Now that’s the true magic kingdom!”

Forging Scrooge McDuck’s signature as co-signer on your auto loan.

Asking if the next Mouseketeer reunion will be only open to successful, non-infamous “artists” or will it just be Britney Spears and Annette Funicello making out awkwardly for five minutes, “like last year.”

A bloated and drugged-up Sleeping Beauty, photographed only hours before her fatal overdose

A bloated and drugged-up Sleeping Beauty, photographed only hours before her fatal overdose

Failure to cover your children’s eyes whenever a pants-less Daisy Duck waddles by.

Outing the park’s heterosexual employees.

Holding a press conference to declare that your newly incorporated town, Hannah, MT is owed back payment on merchandising royalties.

Referring to park employees as “carnies” due to their refusal to produce a certified “Imagineering” degree.

Messing with the thermostat.

Making pretentious small talk during the tour. For instance:

“Goofy and Pluto, while both dogs, possess a ruling class/working class relationship. At a cursory glance they may appear to be equals. Further study of the two reveals vast differences. Goofy has clothes and can talk. Pluto, representing the long-exploited working class, is both literally and metaphorically naked and speechless, stripped of his protection and validity by his powerful owner…”

-CLT