Archive for the ‘Drinking’ Category

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Your Arbitration Rights Explained

January 21, 2011

As one of many half-assed services we provide, Fancy Plans (in association with Pants to Match) is proud to present a brief guide to arbitration “rights.” This plain-English breakdown of the legal and technical terms used will help you get a “leg up” in your next legal battle with predatory lending agencies, home owner’s associations and the combative legal team currently suing you for violating your Confidentiality Agreement with last night’s drunken Tweeting.

In addition to breaking it down into terms the average layperson can understand, this somewhat brief explanation will also clear up the many reasons that “rights” keeps appearing in quotes. Key explanations and added language will be highlighted in blue text for readability and ease of use when quoting it out of context.

Color-coordinating often helps give the illusion of fairness.

WAIVER OF JURY TRIAL AND ARBITRATION PROVISION

Arbitration is a process in which persons with a dispute: (a) waive their rights to file a lawsuit and proceed in court and to have a jury trial to resolve their disputes (also covers other resolutions, such as barroom brawl, coin toss, H-O-R-S-E, humbled apology, threatening late night phone calls) and (b) agree, instead, to submit their disputes to a neutral (but biased) third person (an “arbitrator”) for a decision. Each party to the dispute has an opportunity to present some evidence to the arbitrator. (In your case, you may present receipts for expensive luxuries, your highly negative public school disciplinary record, all bankruptcies filed, all bankruptcies considered, personal letters of recommendation from acquaintances currently in jail/rehab.) Pre-arbitration discovery may be limited. (In your case, severely fucking limited. Usually this will be constrained to a valid photo I.D. and a valid blank check whose ABA routing number and account information can easily be copied by the other party for unauthorized withdrawals.) Arbitration proceedings are private and less formal than court trials. (Less formal = you being referred to as “this lazy asshole” or “deadbeat” as well as several disparaging remarks referencing your sexual misadventures/penis length.) The arbitrator will issue a final and binding decision resolving the dispute, which may be enforced as a court judgment. (Or more rarely, a court-sanctioned kneecapping.*) A court rarely overturns the arbitrator’s decision.

* Also: dickpunching.

THEREFORE, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE AS FOLLOWS:

1. Acknowledgments. You acknowledge and agree that by entering into this arbitration provision:

A. YOU ARE WAIVING YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE A TRIAL BY JURY TO RESOLVE ANY DISPUTE ALLEGED AGAINST US OR RELATED THIRD PARTIES, INCLUDING HOLDING AND MANAGEMENT COMPANIES, THUG-LIKE ENFORCERS, HIGHLY PAID CHARACTER ASSASSINS AND UMBERTO, THE LANDSCAPER;
B. YOU ARE WAIVING YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE A COURT, OTHER THAN A SMALL CLAIMS TRIBUNAL (COMPOSED OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS) RESOLVE ANY DISPUTE ALLEGED AGAINST US OR RELATED THIRD PARTIES (INCLUDING OUR RELATIVES); and
C. YOU ARE WAIVING YOUR RIGHT TO SERVE AS A REPRESENTATIVE, AS A PRIVATE ATTORNEY GENERAL, OR IN ANY OTHER REPRESENTATIVE CAPACITY (INCLUDING REPRESENTING YOURSELF, WHICH WILL LEAVE YOU SUBJECT TO QUICK AND MERCILESS JUDGMENTS), AND/OR TO PARTICIPATE AS A MEMBER OF A CLASS OF CLAIMANTS, IN ANY LAWSUIT FILED AGAINST US AND/OR RELATED THIRD PARTIES, INCLUDING OUR PYRAMID-SCHEMING BROTHER-IN-LAW, DOUG.

2. Arbitration Fees and Process: Regardless of who demands arbitration, at your request we will advance your portion of the expenses associated with the arbitration, including the filing, administrative, hearing and arbitrator’s fees (“Arbitration Fees”). These fees will be financed at 31.75% per day until arbitration has been sufficiently “dragged out,” at which point these fees will be financed at prime + 257%. The arbitration hearing will be conducted in the county of your residence, or within 30 miles from such county, or in the county in which the transaction under this Agreement occurred, or in such place as shall be ordered by the arbitrator, such as current vacation hotspots, international waters, local dives, wi-fi hotspots or the moon. In conducting the arbitration proceeding, the arbitrator shall not apply any federal or state rules of civil procedure or evidence, but rather an (wait for it…) arbitrary set of rules whose ever-shifting requirements will resemble those of the arbitrator’s favorite drinking game/”house rules” Monopoly. [In the highly improbable event that] the arbitrator renders a decision or award in your favor resolving the dispute, you should probably got out and buy a lottery ticket or bet on some horses or something. At the timely request of any party, the arbitrator shall provide a written explanation for the award including all applicable citations, charts, graphs, line drawings and NSFW Flash animation. The arbitrator’s award may be filed with any court having jurisdiction, most likely one miles away and open inconvenient hours/accessible only by rented boat/mule. In the much more likely event that a decision finds AGAINST you, the arbitrator will sentence you to one of the following:

  • 24 hours in stocks
  • Stoning
  • Caning
  • Immediate bankruptcy (moral AND financial)
  • Lashing
  • Plank-walking
  • Internet vigilante justice
  • Scapegoating
  • Book throwing
  • Bedazzling

All personal information will be forwarded to both 4chan and The Smoking Gun.

-CLT

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The Fancy Plans Guide to Binge Drinking

April 14, 2010

If you're doing it right, even the camera will be wasted!

As any panicked moralist will tell you, college binge drinking is a serious problem, one that must be dealt with in the most hysterical way possible. While they entertain the 60 Minutes camera crew with third and fourth-hand tales of Jello shots and the damage done, we’d like to take the time to give you the “straight, uncut dope” on “doing it up right,” “getting crunk,” and the myriad potential benefits of getting “totally ‘faced.”

Freeform Amateur Debates
Everything from politics to religions to pop culture to that thing your girlfriend does when she’s “down there” can be expounded upon and argued about with no regard for facts or coherence. Most debates will take the form of FOX-News programming, wherein the loudest is usually considered the “rightest.”

Some hot-button issues to consider:

Is a cousin located far enough out on the family tree branches to be considered “fair game?” Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it after the horrendous string of birth defects?

The deck has been stacked against repeat sexual offenders for far too long! Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it before or after the sign went up in my yard?

That’s what happens when you elect a black president! Follow up: As the head “man,” is he still in the position to stick to the “man?” My casual co-opting of the hip hop lifestyle has also granted me some sort of enlightenment or something in regards to our president and the plight of my brothers, who are all several shades blacker than I am.

Unless you’ve knocked up like five or six random women within the last couple of years, I don’t think you’re qualified to offer your opinion on abortion. Follow-up: Condoms just don’t feel as good. I totally had no idea that was your sister. For reals, bro.

Don't worry about not getting enough to drink. Your friends will make sure you stay hydrated.

Making Memories (for other people)
A full night of drinking and drugs (trust me, these two will be in close proximity more often than not) will often play havoc with your mind, leading you to believe you just had several beers and went quietly to bed after entertaining your friends with your racous wit. In all reality, nothing could be further from the truth, and most of your friends and acquaintances will be able to piece your night together for you. Brace yourself.

And it goes a little something like this:

It late into a full night of drinking with party moving from the local bar to someone’s house. While some people have wisely called it a night and headed home, the die-hard still remain, willing to ride their buzz right into the barrel of God’s shotgun, which he has nicknamed “Daylight” and loaded full of headaches and regrets.

The full-on party has devolved into subdued conversations, occasionally punctuated by riotous laughter/loss of consciousness. Elsewhere in the house, drunks are half-heartedly trying to get it on, despite the fact that neither partner can feel anything from the neck down or form coherent thoughts from the neck up.

At some point, someone will emerge half-clothed from a darkened room and ask if they might have an additional bump of coke, or hit of ecstasy or another Xanax or whatever and that they’re willing to OH MY GOD SHE JUST STUCK THAT BEER BOTTLE IN HER VAGINA! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Once something like that happens, a crowd will gather. And speculation will begin.

Is this supposed to make her look sexually desirable? I mean, we all know that an entire (but miniature) human can emerge from there BUT JESUS MAN, SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE A MYSTERY! CHRIST ALMIGHTY, AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE I CAN EVEN COMPETE WITH THAT? I’M NOT HUNG LIKE A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER!

Soon enough, though, someone is going to take a chance on that, despite the fact that they’d need to be forearm deep before either of them felt anything. Good luck, man. That’s not for me. GOOD LORD, ONLY THE NECK IS STICKING OUT! GET SOME CLOTHES FOR HER. OR SOME COKE. DO SOMETHING, MAN! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON! THAT’S SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER.

Now try to match that up with how you think your night went.

  • Girl: Had some drinks. Woke up sore. Scored a baggie of coke somehow.
  • Guy: Totally got it on with this crazy chick. She was wild!

Other memories you may make for this crazy quilt we call “life”:

  • Human beer cozy
  • Sexual harassment suit
  • High-centered roommate’s Escalade on the freeway median
  • Human Sharpie canvas
  • Misplaced virginity
  • Lost job in less than 4 hours
  • The case of the mysterious and uncomfortable infection
  • Got a tattoo/joined the military

Vomiting
Your body’s way of telling you that you’re headed towards blood poisoning at a high rate of speed. You can’t get a much clearer sign that you should call it a night. However, this sign is often interpreted otherwise by power drinkers, usually as the following:

1. Time to get some sleep, perhaps right here on the bathroom floor.
2. Yay! I’ve got room for more drinks!

"Fuck you, buddy. I already did."

Should You Have More to Drink?
A good question, one that is usually answered with an unqualified “yes.” Listen for some of these common signalling phrases (most of which will be stumbling out of your mouth, so it may be wise to get a second party [PAAAAAAARRTTTYYYYY!!!!! – ed.] to corroborate):

I’m losing my buzz!
Unqualified yes.

Whose sister do I have to fuck to get another drink around here?
Unqualified yes. (And: Barry’s sister, actually.)

I’m going to make a booze run!
Are you driving?
– Yes. (Unqualified yes.)
– No.   (Unqualified yes. And one for the driver.)

I don’t think I can drink any more.
Unqualified yes. But have a small one, like a shot of Rumpleminze.

I can’t feel my face.
Unqualified yes + one (1) bump of coke.

I’ve got to get back and study.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! Unqualified yes.

I think I’m bleeding internally.
What am I? A doctor? Hell-unqualified-yes, motherfucker! (Med students are allowed to answer this question with the addition of the word “yet.”)

[Slipping into a coma]
No. (But only because it would require some sort of intravenous intervention to continue drinking. Check with the med students.)

I’m being arrested!
If you can get “one for the road,” by all means, do so.

Stop fucking my sister! Here’s your goddamned drink!
Unqualified yes. (Double up. You’ve just been through something which could be construed as traumatic if you weren’t so wasted. Get a double for your sister as well. The “sister-fucker” only needs a single.)

-CLT

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The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet XLIV

March 5, 2010

Remember the first edition of The Amplified Shakespeare? How it seemed like it would just be another “one-and-done,” enjoyable for a moment or two before being cast on to the slag heap of abandoned series (Hello Guide to Rock and Roll!) like Grandma’s panties after a bottle of Boone’s Farm?

Ha! Take that, rhetorical questions!

Will.i.am Shakespeare is back. And louder than ever. Prepare to have your minds blown, like so many gas station attendants when Grandma takes the Caddy out for a Sunday afternoon DUI.

The Globe Theatre, where Grandma once threw up, thus earning lifetime expulsion for her and a full refund for everyone else.

Sonnet XLIV

If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,
Thoughts that could stand to lose a few pounds;
Injurious distance should not stop my way,
Like an addled senior driver or an auto insurance con artist;

For then despite of space I would be brought,
With my matter transporter;
From limits far remote, where thou dost stay,
Safely hidden away, behind multiple locks.
And a restraining order.

No matter then although my foot did stand
The sheriff’s office don’t scare me;
Upon the farthest earth remov’d from thee,
Although they responded surprisingly fast, as tho’ thou wast sleeping with one of them;
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land,
I mentioned my matter transporter. Say hello to my Harrier Jump Jet.

As soon as think the place where he would be,
Pawing at you expertly.
(It rhymes!)
But, ah! thought kills me that I am not thought,
(Poetic, non?)
To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone,
All systems go, um, tango-niner… delta… or whatever…

But that so much of earth and water wrought,
As part of my far-reaching conspiracy theory;
I must attend time’s leisure with my moan,
(Read: jerk off in the shower)
Receiving nought by elements so slow
(Read: the United States Postal Service)
But heavy tears, badges of either’s woe.
Alcohol’s a depressant. Who knew?
(It certainly surprised my poker buddies.)

[This semi-educational post brought to you in part by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Pants Party, in conjunction with the Vajazzler! Look for it in finer boutiques today!]

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to Winter Driving

December 14, 2009

Nothing makes hazardous winter driving easier than snapping away with your camera.

Winter is here. The temperature has dropped and the roads are deadlier than ever (and I’m including Maximum Overdrive). Here’s a quick guide on the do’s and don’ts of winter driving. Remember, being prepared might mean the difference between life and a short period of inconvenience.

So, how can you tell whether roads are safe to travel? Well, there are many resources including local news, Department of Transportation web sites and the traffic chopper. However, these reports may be as accurate as advertised as weather conditions can change rapidly during the course of a winter storm (and only in one direction: from bad to worse).

Use this simple test to determine whether roads can be safely travelled:

Do you have to work today?

  • Yes (see A.)
  • No (see B.)

A. NO. Roads cannot be safely travelled. [Skip to the end of this post.]

B. YES. Roads are safe to travel. [Continue reading.]
(Note: the quickest way to make a road safely navigable is to call in to work. Once you are unable to make it in to work [A] you will automatically fall into category B.)

Here are some key areas to focus on:

Low visibility often results in exciting rounds of "Car Tetris."

Low Visibility
Heavy snow and high winds will often bring visibility to under 100 feet. Here’s what you can do to combat “whiteout.”

1. Be proactive. Make sure others can see you. Turn every vehicle light on. Headlights, fog lights, high beams, hazard lights, etc. If you think it might help, go ahead and fire up the hazards and dome light. The better lit you are, the better your chances of not being hit by Speedy Joe Jackass.

Those of you with aftermarket products may also consider turning on every neon light/LED attached to your Hyundai. [see below]

Of course, the trailer itself remains dangerously underlit...

2. That takes care of people seeing you. But what about you seeing them? We can never safely assume that the other drivers will light themselves responsibly, much less give two shits about anyone but themselves.

So, to get back on point, what can you do to improve your odds of seeing other vehicles? You’ve already got all YOUR lights on so you’re probably seeing the road as well as you ever will. Maybe you could squint a little or try “visualizing” the road ahead. (It works for world peace. Or so said that bumper sticker attached to that bumper you just collided with.)

These, of course, are for your nipples.

Emergency Road Kit
Should you happen to end up in the ditch, freezing river or 12-foot tall snowbank, you’ll want to be prepared in case you have to wait several hours for rescue vehicles. (Well, maybe not the river. We’re talking hypothermia in a matter of minutes once you get wet. In this case, make sure your will is updated and you’re Satisfied-Very Satisfied with your progress in life so far.)

An Emergency Road Kit should contain the following:

  • Flashlight
  • Flares
  • Matches
  • Blanket
  • Extra clothes
  • Food
  • Water
  • Booze*

*optional

(Notes on booze: While it may seem immediately beneficial to have some available alcohol to combat cold and boredom, there are several drawbacks:

1. Alcohol does not actually keep you warm. It only makes you feel warmer. However, with a good buzz, “feeling” warm may be enough. Try to refrain from removing your clothes or wasting precious battery life calling up your exes.

2. When the highway patrol finally rescues you, it is probably better if you don’t reek of booze. Sure, you’ll get a free ride to somewhere warm, but your personal belongings will be scattered to inconvenient locations several miles away from each other. (For example: you – jail, your house – right where you left it, your car – impound lot.)

3. The effect of alcohol on your decision-making skills may result in very ineffective actions, like sticking the flares in the exhaust pipe to see if you can “blast” your way out of the snow, shoving the blanket into the gas tank and lighting it for some “continuous” warmth or exposing yourself to the cold/other drivers. (Not to mention all the drunk-dialling you’ll be doing.)

No matter what the weather is, Jack Nicholson is always on the lookout for speeders.

Drive Slowly
Generally speaking, winter driving means road conditions will vary from “unfavorable” to “wrath of God.” As you travel across snow-packed and icy roads, you will notice there is a fundamental disconnect between where you think you’re steering and where your vehicle is actually heading. This often leads to accident reports containing ridiculous phrases such as “The car seemed to have a mind of its own. Like Herbie. Or Christine.”

This particular strain of black ice will also torch your vehicle, much like a drunken hockey fan.

Black Ice
A common winter death trap is the fiendish act of God known as “black ice.” Black ice is a hardy winter predator which mimics a clean, dry road surface and will attack passing vehicles, sending them into the nearest ditch, guard rail or oncoming vehicles.

Due to its invisibility, warning you to “look out for black ice” is much like asking you to plan your next accidental pregnancy. You won’t realized you’re fucked until after you’ve “hit” it.

-CLT

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Letters to the Editor

September 29, 2009
Yanni prepares for a hard-charging Creed cover.

Yanni prepares for a hard-charging Creed cover.

[Note: It is the policy of this paper to edit letters for length, clarity and to generally make the letter-writers appear more ignorant.]

To the music editor of the New Bedford Gazette:

This letter concerns your recent review of the Yanni concert, which you gave a 3 out of 5 star rating. While I realize that Yanni’s blistering sexuality and limp-wristed piano stylings are an acquired taste, I have to wonder whether your reviewer saw the same spectacular concert that I did.

I’m sure we all felt that the St. Jude School for the Blind’s auditorium was hardly the most majestic setting for musical royalty such as this. However, it did hold a certain amount of quaint charm and metal folding chairs. The promoters made the most of the limited space and I’m sure the returning students will appreciate what was done to the venue even as it wreaks havoc on their spatial awareness.

The reviewer states that the “unretracted basketball hoops” detracted from the setting. I realize that not every venue can be as breathtaking as the Acropolis (as documented in his best-selling DVD). At times the arena struggled to compete with even lesser-known performances, such as his appearances at the Apollo and the second event tent at Glastonbury (which found his gig sandwiched between Vampire Weekend and a re-formed Haircut 100).

The reviewer also referred to Yanni’s “bland stylings” and “watered-down New Age ivory-tinkling.” While his music will certainly never compare to the “hard rock” and “hard rap” that the reviewer is no doubt used to, I think it was a low blow for him to point out the unfortunate moment when a clearly exhausted Yanni urinated on the piano.

There were so many electric moments that would warrant at least an extra star or two:

  • His fantastic selection of covers, including Nick Cave’s Curse of Millhaven, Weezer’s Hash Pipeand John Tesh’s Theme from Entertainment Tonight (Slight Return).
  • Late in the show, an obviously inebriated (and exhausted) Yanni “dropped trou” and gave us all a tantalizing glimpse of “Little Yanni” and some magnificently coiffed pubic hair.
  • His terrific Jerry Lee Lewis impression, in which he broke free from his usual repertoire to bang his piano and 14-year old cousin, roughly in that order. The inadvertent electrical fire that threatened to consume the threesome (Yanni, piano, cousin) was just icing on the cake.

We all know that Yanni put in a performance for the ages that night, one that cannot be smeared by a middling review or his string of insults and slurs that closed out the evening. Fortunately for Yanni, he will continue his incredible career, despite doubting journalists and as for the slurs, they would only offend those familiar with thousands of years of Greek history. And homosexuals.

Sincerely,

-CLT

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Minutes from the Fancy Plans Employee Meeting

September 25, 2009
Before we adjourn this meeting, I'd like to show you all this doodle of you all in very compromising positions.

Before we adjourn this meeting, I'd like to show you all this doodle of you all in very compromising positions.

September 23, 2009

In attendance: CLT, Edna Morton (Research), James (Art Dept.), Meredith (Secretary).
Not in attendance: RF Interference (currently heading the House Committee on Un-American Sports Activities)

CLT: Alright. We’ve had a pretty good month, so far. Just a couple of things to note:

1. While readership is up, out leading incoming search is “Richard Simmons,” meaning we have made some inroads into a very fucked-up demographic. I don’t want to point fingers, James, but it’s all coming from the low-angle shot you took of him in his shortiest shorts.

While I’m sure we can all appreciate a nicely-toned ass, I’m not sure we need the kind of readership that is looking for sweaty shots of Simmons’ Ken-doll anatomy.

2. We need to work on our quality control. The New York Times Review of Blogs posted what some might consider to be a “devastating” review. They said we “lack any sort of cohesive theme or focus,” and that we only “occasionally show any sort of insight, mostly limited to rare moments when RF Interference can squeeze a post in edgewise.”

It goes on… at quite some length… let’s see… “caustic windbag CLT…” “amateurish cynicism…” “not real journalists…”

So, some room for improvement. Especially you, James.

And not to point fingers again, James, but your photo selection has slipped. I need concise, devastating pictures that can be easily used again themselves. If I have to spend more than 30 seconds thinking up the perfect caption, then that’s another This Week’s Featured Soaps that won’t make the publishing deadline.

James: Can I speak freely?
CLT: Sure. This is the good old U.S. of A., despite RF’s best efforts.
James: Most of the vague requests and posts leave a lot to the imagination. I’m not really receiving concise direction from you.
CLT: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m the talent. I thought with your fancy degree in… what do you have a degree in?
James: Middle Eastern architecture. I minored in Numerology.
CLT. Jesus Christ! Really? Who the hell is doing the hiring around here?
James: WordPress suggested me using their search engine. I was under “Humor” for no discernible reason.
CLT: Correct me if I’m wrong, but your diploma has calligraphy on it?
James: Yes. I suppose it does…
CLT: Well, Mr. Pompous Jackass Degree Holder, for the rest of this meeting you’re going to use your imagination and pretend that you are now living in a third-world dictatorship and anything derogatory you say will be punished severely.
James: [sulks]

CLT: Moving on. We recently ran a full page of retractions leading me to believe that our fact-checking is not up to spec. Edna?
Edna: I’m sorry, Mr. CLT, but I don’t have much to work with. You banned me from the internet after the fourth crippling virus I downloaded and the encyclopedias you’ve been picking up from the grocery store are short several volumes. Many of the pages contain nothing but coupons.
CLT: Let me cut you off there. And please, call me “Sir.” Your lack of resources is not really my problem. Or maybe it is. Either way, we’re going to simplify: this is your problem. Are you banned from the library computers, too?
Edna: I have one strike left, but it should be gone after they reboot tomorrow morning.

CLT: Alright. I’m going to call a quick recess and go have several shots. You wait here.

CLT: What the fuck? There’s nothing but Triple Sec and Cointreau in here! Where the hell did all the booze go? Edna?
Edna: [snores]
CLT: James! Smell her breath.
James: Why do I have to—
CLT: Because you are the unpaid and abused intern. I’m not going anywhere near her mouth. She eats black licorice all day and apparently drinks a lot of booze. When she opens that thing, it looks like the gateway to hell. Only with less teeth.
James: I’m not going to do that!
CLT: James. I’m going to start writing some numbers on the whiteboard. Stop me anytime… 23…
James: [screams and heads over to Edna]

James:Oh… god… oh god. She’s been drinking.
CLT: Thank you, James. I’m leaving that number on the board for the remainder of this meeting. Try to focus.

Meredith, take a letter. “To the estate of Clive F. Cussler…”

James: I believe Clive Cussler is still alive.
CLT: Really? How the fuck do you know? Flip through a sudoku book? Leave the facts to the pros. Edna? What do we have on Cussler?
Edna: [belches quietly, continues snoring]
CLT: Well, I’m calling that 2 vs. 1, James. Do the math.

To the estate of Clive F. Cussler,

Thank you for your letter dated September 3rd, 2009. In response to your request for the removal of the offending Cussler interview, I have decided to continue running the post. Until you have conclusive proof that Mr. Cussler is not an insufferable prick and that his son can operate an automatic door without assistance, the interviews stays as is.

I will accept time-stamped video accompanied by a signed affadavit. You have my sympathy over the loss of Mr. Cussler, etc. etc. Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,
Capitalist Lion Tamer

Meredith, read that back to me.

Meredith: [reads letter]
CLT: Good lord! Do I sound like that? All overbearing and profane? Did you add something?
Meredith: No. I transcribed it exactly.
CLT: Hmm. Try to soften it up a little. Throw in a few “prithees” and a couple of F-bombs.

Meredith: [retypes letter]
Meredith: Would you like me to read back the edited letter?
CLT: No. I’m sure it still retains my famous quiet dignity. James, check the file cabinet for some anthrax and toss it in the envelope.
James: Jesus. You actually have some of that?
CLT: I picked some up in early 2002. Everybody had some. Scarcely a letter went out without a heavy dusting of it. It should be in the first aid kit.
James: It’s all gone.
CLT: Nothing? Not even a small but deadly amount?
Check out the box marked Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. There should be some coke in there. Unless Edna got there first… Toss some of that into the envelope.
OK. Run that to the post office. And James?
James: [exasperated sigh] What?
CLT: When they ask you if there’s anything “flammable, hazardous, perishable, etc.,” try not to say something instinctive like, “It’s not anthrax. It’s cocaine.”

[James heads to post office.]

CLT: Anyone have anything? No? Edna? Edna!
Edna: [snores]
CLT: Alright. We’ll see you all next month, with the possible exception of James.

RF: What a night. Did I miss anything good?
CLT: We have lousy employees. Meredith is the only one worth keeping and I’m sure she’ll e gone once her first paycheck bounces. And thanks to Edna, the liquor cabinet is now about as useless as a fridge full of condiments.
On the bright side, James can be intimidated by writing nearly any number on the whiteboard.
RF: Right-o. Well, I’m off to exchange my greenbacks for British pounds and hit the pub for some football and unintelligible accents. You in?
CLT: American football?
RF: [glares pointedly]
CLT: Fine. Go Tottenham. Rue Britannia. You’re buying the first round.

-CLT

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Excerpts from the Time/Life Books “Amateur Handyman” Series: Vol. 2

July 31, 2009
Not covered: When property lines run through the middle of your living room

Not covered: When property lines run through the middle of your living room

This <choose appropriate time period>’s selection from the Time/Life Amateur Handyman Book Series comes from The Guide to Settling Homeowner Disputes. As with all Time/Life books, the information contained within may be out of date, factually incorrect or harvested from more knowledgeable book series.

In fact, you may find some pages that contain that little “Idiot” guy giving you some boldface advice. If you are not the copyright owner, please ignore and continue reading. If you are the copyright holder, please note the hand-drawn moustache we added which makes him an entirely original creation.

Time/Life editors also recommend that these books be enjoyed in much the same way that they were purchased: late at night in impulsive, drunken bursts. Be aware that the book will not erase the aching loneliness of your life in quite the same way that our Bengali operator did during your 2 a.m. phone call. Time/Life cannot be held responsible for any “buyer’s regret” that may result from your perusal of this volume, which contains nearly 90 pages left blank for notes or doodling while fielding calls from our collections service.

Settling Homeowner Disputes by Mark Shultz, Attorney-at-Law

About the author
Mark Shultz, a graduate of the Upper Dayton, OH Night School of Lawsmithery and Remedial Legalese, has over 15 years experience in real estate law and homeowner disputes. He currently operates out of his law office at: (c/o Mr. & Mrs. Schultz), 4231 Willow Ave., Dayton, OH. He can be reached between 9 AM and 4 PM, Monday thru Friday. Schedule may vary due to Everquest guild events.

A fireman prepares to crush the dreams of yet another home owner

A fireman prepares to crush the dreams of yet another home owner

Introduction
While it is the American dream to own your own home and burn it later for the hefty insurance payout, home ownership can be a perilous journey down a path filled with faulty city water lines, inept and expensive contractors and litigious neighbors.

The disputes can happen at any time for nearly any reason: erecting a privacy fence, harvesting from the “communal” garden or even during your weeklong bender during which you mistook the neighbor’s living room for your garage.

Most of these expensive disputes can be defused or avoided completely through a combination of “worst case scenario” preparation and lying like a motherfucker. Let’s take a look at some common homeowner disputes.

Property Lines
This dispute will normally rear its ugly head once your fence construction is nearing completion or when a tree falls onto your neighbor’s addition. As these become more and more common, some clear delineation of your property lines is needed, meaning phrases like, “a little past the mailbox,” “as the crow flies…” or “just before the leaking water lines…” are no longer acceptable.

As a property line dispute is the most common homeowner issue, multiple solutions to this problem have surfaced over the years. Rather than battling it out in court or dragging those assholes from the Homeowner’s Association into this, consider these options for dispute resolution:

  • Slap fight
  • Race around the world
  • Pistols at dawn
  • Jarts
  • Internet flamewar
  • Thunderdome
  • Trivial Pursuit: ’80s Edition
  • Facebook Friend-Off
  • Agreeing to disagree
  • Compromise

(Note: These last two are not recommended.)

Resolution Role Play
In this section, we will present a variety of common disputes. Please choose the best resolution.

1. The City calls to inform you that you will be held responsible for the power lines chewed up by your tiller. Your response?

  • “Well, send someone down to help me transplant the bodies.”
  • “No habla engles.”
  • “Tell your crew to stop vandalizing my yard. There’s frickin’ orange paint everywhere.”
  • “I really think the responsibility lies with the Troy-Bilt Corporation’s incredibly powerful and smooth handling roto-tiller.”
  • “Hold on a second, I have a call from the water company on line 2.”

2. The homeowner’s association has informed you that your choice of mailbox is not acceptable. Your response?

  • “Have I shown you my extensive handgun collection?”
  • “No habla engles.”
  • “Why? Because the flag is shaped like a penis?”
  • “I need someplace to test out my pipe bombs.”
  • Sucker punch the representative and ask for a pro-rated refund of your dues.

3. During a fierce storm, a branch from your tree knocks out your neighbor’s windshield. Your response?

  • “Well, that answers the whole “if a tree falls in Parkview Terrace, who starts whining immediately” question.
  • “Here’s a number for my insurance agent. Unfortunately, he doesn’t speak English.”
  • “I would imagine this falls under “act of God.” Like your slashed tires and your daughter’s pregnancy.”
  • “Could I ask you to hold this pipe-ish, bomb-ish looking thingy for a minute while I run and get my checkbook? I’ll be back in 7-10 minutes.
  • Sucker punch him and ask for his insurance information.
To aid in retention of this information, here is an easy-to-follow flowchart having absolutely nothing to do with our subject

To aid in retention of this information, here is an easy-to-follow flowchart having absolutely nothing to do with our subject

4. An electrical fire discolors the outside of your neighbor’s newly painted house. He wants you to pay for repainting. Your response?

  • “No. I’m OK. Thanks for asking, you douche.”
  • “Are you familiar with the phrase ‘water, water everywhere/not doing a goddamned thing'”?
  • “Perhaps my powerful urine will clean it off… although it really didn’t do much to the fire…”
  • “Can you break a $10?”
  • “Remember that time when you asked if I’d seen anyone ‘strange’ lurking outside your daughter’s window? And I said I hadn’t seen anyone ‘unfamiliar’…”
  • “Have you met my insurance agent? He’s not to good with the English but he throws a hell of a sucker punch.”

5. Your neighbor’s daughter is pregnant and all evidence points to you. Plus the homeowner’s association is none to pleased with your choice of exterior paint. Your response?

  • “Look. The plan is to paint the town red and name it ‘Hell.’ I’ll get to the rest of the houses eventually… weather permitting.”
  • “Are you sure it wasn’t the mailbox?”
  • “Sure, it’s easy to point fingers at a time like this. But what are youall doing about the real issues? Like the environment? Or our state’s regression to a pre-Roe v. Wade legal climate?”
  • “It’s not so much like you’re losing a daughter, but rather, gaining an uncle.”
  • “My choices are white, off-white, bone, eggshell or blanco?”

6. Your neighbor calls the police with a noise complaint about your houseparty. Your response?

  • “Look. His daughter is safely at home. If you’ll join me in the shrubs, you can clearly see her through the window.”
  • “Officer, can you break a $10?”
  • “Call my lawyer, whom I have put on retainer due to recent events.”
  • “Ah. So you do speak Spanish. Well, ignore most of what I just said, Officer Vasquez.”
  • “So you can see where it all went wrong. IED, IUD… it all sounds the same in the heat of the moment.”
  • “It’s not a real penis. Oh, fuck it, I’ll head to Spencer’s tomorrow and exchange it for something equally as obnoxious.”
  • “Have you met my neighbor? The insufferable prick? And proud grandfather?”

We hope you have enjoyed this preview of the Idiot’s Guide to Settling Homeowner Disputes. Please remember to keep your window areas well lit and free of bushes or shrubs.

-CLT