Posts Tagged ‘Internet’

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Searchfest! Vol. 1

December 13, 2010

An intermittent roundup of what people are actually looking for when they stumble across our homepage. (“How intermittent?” I hear you ask. [Presses “Mute”.])

(Note: those of you fearing for the future of the world after reading through this probably NSFW list should keep in mind that some of these searches are singular, so it’s probably just a loose confederation of perverts rather than some sort of worldwide breakdown in ethics/spelling.)
  • alien sex fiend
  • slint
  • rick james

[Can’t go wrong with these first three. We’ve always had a bit of a musical slant and to be the go-to source for ASF is a very fine thing indeed.]

  • hellfish hoax

[Cryptozoology: another one of our major endeavors. Apparently.]

  • velva sheen tee

[I blame RF for this. This and the worldwide popularity of soccer/football/futbol.]

  • black boy vintage

[With enough vintage, I would presume you kind of have to start referring to them as “men.”]

  • prepubescent

[Ted, knock it off. That’s a company computer.]

  • breech presentation

[We do know pregnancy, esp. complications thereof.]

  • nobunny do the fuck youreself

[A recent addition, now with extraneous remix!]

  • president willard harvard

[Whom?]

  • delivery room
  • woman pregnancy drink

[The ends justifying the means while also searching for the liter-a-day justification.]

  • kids flowchart of the malting system

[Honestly, kids need to understand the malting system better. It’ll help them decide which beer should be purchased for them by their 21-year-old Uncle Enabler.]

  • appetite for destruction banned cover value
  • wolfgang amadeus mozart
  • wolfgang amadeus mozart pictures

[These are all related, but some are more related than others.]

  • pregnant women picture drinking

[Sorry, mom. I was going to take the photo down but it’s drawing so many pageviews!]

  • scrooge’s christmas carol

[Revisionist history.]

  • lion tamer school

[Se habla espanol.]

  • Волфганг Амадеус Мозарт

[Ебать да!]

  • donald duck dick

[Limited edition collector’s plate.]

  • douglas adams remix

[This is remarkably specific.]

Precisely.

  • guide to binge

[Do whatever. Excessively.]

  • hurted penis

[A well-placed dickpunch often strips away grammatical functions, if only temporarily.]

  • bangin naked chicks

[What the fuck? Did the rest of the internet suddenly run out of porn?]

  • john denver in a santa hat

[And nothing else.]

  • grinderman+bellringe blues+meaning

[Bellringe blues, n., sl. – To have caught your “bell-end” in a hand wringer whilst trying to proposition the laundrywoman.]

  • inanimate object affection

[Syn., necrophilia.]

  • christmas shoppers paradise carter usm free mp

[Spend your money, girls, on sprays and lipsticks/Tested on bunnies, girls, strays and misfits]

  • gravity powered naked girls

[Nothing is more flattering for naked girls than hundreds of pounds of centrifugal force.]

Shortly after this shot was taken, Karen was hit by a bouquet of roses, suffering multiple fractures and contusions.

  • boy 5-stick-figure

[That’s not a boy. That’s Karen Carpenter.]

  • spelunking jokes

[We’re up to Volume 8 already…]

  • andrew eldtritch hat

[Near-mint condition. Never exposed to the sun’s rays. Smells faintly of fog and acrimony.]

  • longest blonde hair

[Little know fact: Rapunzel? Actually Jewish.]

  • harvard university degree

[I can print you out one right now. My Lexmark sports near-professional 320 dpi.]

If you squint, it looks like someone's having some sex...

  • alien sex picture

[Most likely resulted in the above, rather than you know, actual aliens getting their freak on.]

  • stevie wonder songbook download

[It’s incredibly hard to download braille. Might need some sort of codec…]

  • doll girl naked

[Ted. Seriously. They log everything.]

  • breech position at weeks

[Information for “null” weeks is pretty hard to come by.]

  • prepubecant girls

[Ted? Could you meet me in the IT lab? And turn your spell-checker on.]

  • human league pics

[Still tops in the universe!]

-CLT

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Whitey, JK Rowling and How Not to Operate the Internet

January 8, 2010

Un fucking good musician.

Whitey
Electro-rocker supreme and all-around good guy, Whitey has been producing high-quality music since 2004. Despite an appearance on the Grand Theft Auto IV soundtrack, this hasn’t caused him any sort of trouble in the “too much of it and what to do with it” sort of way.

In fact, he’s not even signed to a label at this moment, which is a damn shame. As Overconfident Orientalist astutely pointed out in the Heavy Rotation Vol. 30 comment thread, 1.) he’s “bleeding talent all over the internet,” and 2.) everything other than The Light at the End of the Tunnel is a Train is impossible to get ahold of.

This may be due to his lack of label support. But this may also be due to Whitey’s lapse of judgment.

Here’s the situation: Whitey’s follow-up, Great Shakes, was due to be released in 2007. However, some piece of shit publicist decided to dump his unreleased album on the internets well before Whitey was ready to release it. It’s a fucked up situation. The whole story (more or less) is here, along with a great interview, in which Whitey does not cease drinking or smoking once.

Whitey’s response was to pull the album and rework some of the songs, which would be released under a new title supposedly in 2008. As this is 2010, we all can figure out what happened. No album yet and most of his catalog is now only available in illicit pirate form.

Without a doubt, a fucked-up situation. But let’s take a look at things from another perspective…

Has also written under the name "Tits McGee."

J.K. Rowling
As the author behind the multi-million-dollar cottage industry that is magical, scar-faced teens, Rowling is also on the run from the spectre of piracy. According to an article at CNN.com, “J.K Rowling has thus far refused to make any of her Harry Potter books available digitally because of piracy fears.”

Basically, Rowling has decided that the possibility of piracy would damage her immense wealth and therefore, will not give her fans the opportunity to shower her with more money by purchasing yet another version of the same book they probably already have in hardcover, softcover and collected special editions.

This is a pretty typical response from most hugely successful authors and their respective publishers. They won’t sell e-books because 1.) they don’t like the price point, which is driven by intense competition and the lack of any real distribution cost and 2.) the pirates will win (again).

So by not providing an electronic version, Rowling has cut herself completely out of a market and wishes to lay it all at the feet of faceless, nameless internet thugs who only wish to take and take and take.

The Fancy Plans Art Department once again defines "adequate..."

“Lost Sales”
Here’s where both of these artists converge. On one hand, we have a truly talented artist who is underexposed and lacking in distribution “muscle.” On the other hand, we have J.K. Rowling. Both are concerned that their product has been devalued by being passed around the internet without a price tag.

In Whitey’s case, he decided to cancel the release of Great Shakes. Other artists have done the same when their albums were leaked. In Rowling’s case, she won’t even put the product out. But why?

Lost sales.”

Let’s say some die-hard Potterist decides to bust out the OCR software and scan in one of her books. After all the work of scanning and processing, they dump their labor of love over at the nearest Geocities LiveJournal Rowling fanclub site. Somebody else slaps it onto the nearest torrent site and the numbers come rolling back.

Rowling opens up her email one day and is alerted that 10,000 “illegal” electronic versions have been downloaded in the last day over at the Piratebay. In her mind (and her publisher’s), she has just “lost” 10,000 sales.

But she hasn’t. To assume that every one of those downloaders would have purchased a copy, if available is not just ignorant; it’s arrogant. Let’s be a little more realistic and say 5% would have purchased a copy. So she lost 500 sales.

Let’s repeat that together for clarity: SHE LOST 500 SALES. Read it again. J.K. Rowling, by not offering an electronic version of her book, lost 500 sales. She can blame it on piracy all she wants, but by not providing an e-book, all she guarantees is that she’ll never make a single dollar or pound or whatever from fans who wish to buy an electronic version.

Whitey is making the same mistake. Rather than just releasing the album and relying on interested fans to pick it up, he pulled it instead. This only guaranteed that the only version of Great Shakes available would never make him any money. His EPs are impossible to find. You can get a copy of the Individuals EP from a UK shop, purchased in pounds. That’s it. And that’s assuming the record store’s website and database are up-to-date.

He should have just released the album or sold individual tracks through Amazon or his MySpace site or pretty much anywhere that would host them (Beatport, etc.) Instead, he tries to create artificial scarcity by refusing to put his official Whitey stamp on the pirated material.

The Fancy Plans Art Dept. may now consider themselves on "adminstrative leave" pending their upcoming dismissals.

The Point to All This Rambling
The various media forces need to understand that they can’t stop or contain piracy. Thousands of small, unsigned artists are releasing their music for free and providing premium packages to earn money. Touring and ancillary businesses are the name of the game.

Authors are releasing free PDF versions of the same books they’re selling on Amazon and watching sales increase rather than disappear.

The best thing you can do in this day and age is put out a cheap (or free) electronic version of your creations as soon as possible. Sure it will be pirated. But it will also get your name out and your talent in front of eyes and ears you’ll never reach in the local brick-and-mortar store.

And please don’t give us an inferior product. Big media pushers are always tainting their electronic products with crippling DRM, bullshit EULAs and limited transferability. Why would anyone want to pay more for an electronic file that is more limited and less useful than the one they can get for free?

Why would I spend $1.29 to get a song that I can keep on only one hard drive and transfer to only one mp3 player (if that)? If I get the pirated version, I can dump it on all the mp3 players and computers in the house. I can stream it to my PS3 or move the file there as well. I can burn it to as many CDs as I want.

These industries need to stop presenting litigation and legislation as a business plan. If your future efforts in the digital market consist mainly of suing grandmothers and holding bitchfests on Capitol Hill, your industry can’t die fast enough.

Stop treating your fans as thieves and stop wishing you could turn back the clock. Make the most of what little time your industry has left. The more you attempt to wrest every dollar out of every person out there, the more animosity and contempt you earn from the next generation of disposable income.

Good luck in the future, Whitey. If anyone deserves a big break, it’s you.

J.K.: Just go count your money somewhere out of the limelight for a while and refrain from issuing ill-informed opinions. People liked you better when you were a surprising success story, rather than a petulant millionaire.

What Makes It Worth Reading All the Way Through
Another kickass track by Whitey, which can only be found on YouTube. (Case in point…)

-CLT

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The Stabbing Knife Vol. 3: Steve Dahl

November 18, 2009

Roberto prepares to "cut a bitch," Chicago-style.

The Stabbing Knife is back after a brief resting period. [Wait for applause to die down.]

We’ve stabbed before here on Fancy Pants. Here’s a very brief list of the previous victims, whose asinine remarks made their stab wounds mainly self-inflicted:
ASCAP
Garth Brooks

Things must have been going too well. All was quiet and rather orderly until this jackass decided to take his frustration with his dwindling career options to take a shit on the entire Internet.

Ladies and gentleman: Steve Dahl, noted radio personality and columnist for the Chicago Tribune.

Steve Dahl: all the fun of NA beer with twice the water retention.

So what’s his problem?

Apparently, he hates the fact that due to Twitter, blogs and comment threads, ordinary people are allowed to voice their opinion.

“These days, a person only needs a computer to spew opinion across a variety of platforms. Healthy doses of outrage and narcissism are also helpful.”

This is unfair to Steve, although it is difficult to tell why. He doesn’t hold a degree in journalism as one would expect, based on the self-righteous bullshit he’s spewing. Let’s read a little further and see what entitles him to his opinion but not us to ours:

“Don’t get me wrong. I am also an outraged narcissist, but I had to work six-hour shifts in Bakersfield, Calif., to earn my stripes as a communicator.”

Holy fucking shit! Six hours! The man’s an animal!

How does he do it?

Who here works more than 6 hours a day? Yeah, that’s pretty much everybody. However, since you don’t work in the hallowed halls of a dying format like radio or newspapers, your opinion means fuck-all.

He goes on to insert his massive foot farther into his massive mouth by calling CNN out for reading viewer Tweets:

“Nowadays, having a Twitter page qualifies a person to give commentary on CNN. I am not interested in the take of @stinky on the Fort Hood shootings or any other current events. I am watching CNN because I expect them to gather the news, not act as a clearinghouse for any bonehead with a computer, a cable modem and a half-baked opinion.”

So, boneheads: how’s that feel? A dinosaur of the cable news industry is recognizing the shifting playing field and trying to connect with their viewers. Sure, not every opinion is going to be mind-blowing gold, but at least they’re trying. As compared to Stevie here, whose sense of entitlement is currently going at his brain like an enraged tumor and devouring anything useful.

Steve’s not content to stop there. Here’s a swing at Facebook:

“With the advent of Twitter, Facebook, instant messaging and texting, now almost any fool can set up his or her broadcast hub.”

You hear that, fools? Your own broadcast hub! It’ll be like the heyday of pirate radio, only staffed with fools and boneheads!

This seems way, way more than hypocritical from a guy who admits to using Facebook and Twitter nearly constantly.

And, of course, he used it to send out photos of bikini-clad women whose pictures were taken unknowingly.

“I even started including bikini shots via Twitpic with my Tweets.”

Oh, and he has a blog.

For someone so connected with his readers, he sure knows how to marginalize them all in just a few paragraphs. This is why your average Internet user hates your average journalist. They all consider themselves to be better and more informed than the readers they cater to. But now there are too many options and rather than try to connect, they condescend.

Unfortunately, no one has any pity for all these small fish in a rapidly draining pond. No matter how much they splash around like big fish, they’ll still fit down the drain.

This is America, land of the running mouth. We all have opinions and we all like to state our case. For those who think a degree or a certain line of employment makes yours the only opinion that counts, prepare for a short lifespan of soul-sucking disappointment.

Your field has already been marginalized by the Internet, and all you can think to do is pour gasoline on your death pyre.

Of course, great thinking and open-mindedness is not to be expected from the “DJ-personality” who presided over one of the most celebrated public displays of racism and homophobia ever: Disco Demolition Night.

Well, it's no "God Hates Fags" but it does have a kickass lightning-y font...

So long, asshat. Enjoy the brief spike in readers from your troll-baiting bullshit.

From the blogosphere’s black heart, I stab at thee.

-CLT

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An Internal Memo from Your Cable Company

November 10, 2009
1923-CommercialCableLetterhead

"Those of you unable to receive email in this day and age, for god knows what reason, will receive your memo in 6-8 weeks via horseless carriage."

To our “valued” employees:

As you may know, the cable industry is going through some trying times. We have been unfairly maligned as callous abusers of customer goodwill and tools of the entertainment industry. We have dealt with unfounded complaints about “bandwidth throttling,” “usurious rates” and “piss-poor response times.”

In an effort to get the public back on our side again, we are going to implement some sweeping policy changes that will affect everyone from the corporate offices on down. Although we are including ourselves in this “improvement,” rest assured our yearly raises will still be in place and necessary cuts (and we believe there will be a lot of those) will be made further down the line.

The following is the list of policy changes that will be implemented immediately, and in the case of some of our lousier employees, retroactively:

Executive Level

  • Publish fewer photos of executives lying around on piles of $100 bills while being service by hookers. Also, blur out or remove any Congressmen that may be in said photos.
  • That delightful Rachel Ray should have her own channel. Look into this.
  • Make an effort to look extremely doleful when speaking about “government interference and deregulation,” even when it works out in our favor.

Customer Service

  • New tiers of Internet bandwidth usage are: Surprisingly Limited, Very Limited, Limited and Unlimited* (*Surprisingly Limited).
  • Change recorded message for incoming calls. It currently is: “For retaliation purposes, this call may be monitored by customer service goons.
  • Present a friendlier image at our service centers. Maybe some more flowers and shit in the waiting areas.
  • Smile when you put someone on indefinite hold. The person on the other line will be able to tell and be less enraged when finally connected.
  • While it is important to smile, try not to laugh or giggle when placing someone on hold.
  • Refunds are to be handed out before the Better Business Bureau gets involved.
  • More color and inspirational posters in customer service areas; fewer “Higher Cable Costs Are Your Fault” signs, unleashed pit bulls.
  • Customer service phone center personnel are now only allowed to impersonate two levels of management.
  • Explanatory notes for unexpected service charges need to be more detailed than, “Sorry, that was supposed to be hidden,” or “Because fuck you, that’s why.”

Field Personnel

  • All service and installation appointments to be handled within a fortnight of originally scheduled date.
  • Service technicians are to limit themselves to one (1) meal and one (1) two-hour (maximum) nap when in a customer’s home.
  • All technicians should take care to only disable one (1) computer per Internet install.
  • Company vehicles used to transports drugs, stolen goods or illegal immigrants must be returned cleaned, vacuumed and with a full tank of gas.
  • Vehicles used for kidnappings should be torched or dumped in the lake.

Thank you in advance for your close attention to these items.

Sincerely,
The Executive Branch

(An additional note: Clicking “Reply All” to this email will result in immediate termination.)

-CLT