The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 4

December 15, 2009

Back once again with the Renegade Master, the full damager, power to the people. Bringing back the Bible, old skool. Verily, gaze upon my mad rhymes and prepare to start throwing limbs about carefreely.

Volume 4 in what is a planned 144-volume series deals with the story of Jonah, another one of God’s chosen people. And much like God’s chosen people, he places himself and many others in the line of fire.

Previous volumes are available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Much to the fish's dismay, Jonah exits through the entrance.

Jonah 1

1 Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying,

2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me. Go now, Jonah, for I tire greatly of their lippy bullshit.

3 But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. And, verily, this did not go unnoticed as the LORD, being the LORD and all, saw everything and said (under his breath): Ah, hell nah! You did NOT just do that.

4 But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken. And the LORD said (again, under his breath): How you like them ship-breaking apples, you slippery bitch? Poseidon got nothin’ on me!

5 Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god, and cast forth the wares that were in the ship into the sea, to lighten it of them. But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep, because he was suffering from depression, seasickness and narcolepsy.

He remembered waking up once and wondering why everyone was painting pentagrams on the deck and tossing bricks of Bolivian marching powder into the water. But he was all like, I’m clean, no record.

6 So the shipmaster came to him, and said unto him, What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not. He continued, we’ve tried all our gods but it must be like a bank holiday or something. We keep getting voicemail and automated “Out of the Office” email.

7 And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us cast lots, that we may know for whose cause this evil is upon us. So they cast lots, and the lot fell upon Jonah, mainly because Jonah was the “mark,” and as such, unfamiliar with most of the house rules for casting lots (like collecting the pot for landing on “Free Parking”).

As Jonah's shipmates prepare to off him mob-style, a bunch of unrelated characters wander around doing unrelated things.

8 Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this evil is upon us; What is thine occupation? and whence comest thou? what is thy country? and of what people art thou? And he said, cleverly referencing a true classic, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.

9 And he said unto them, I am an Hebrew; and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, which hath made the sea and the dry land. Oh, and some animals and humans. And a metric shit-ton of rules and regulations. Oh, and he destroyed the earth with a flood a while ago, but I doubt all this rain and such can really be considered another “world-killer.”

10 Then were the men exceedingly afraid, and said unto him. Why hast thou done this? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of the LORD, because he had told them. Unfortunately, there is not much in the sailing field that draws the best and brightest, and so we have situations like this where the men “figure something out” by having someone else tell them the answer. Hence the nickname: The Frat Boys of the Sea.

11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous. And Jonah unwisely said, what do you mean “we,” paleface?

12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you. And they were all over it, barely letting him get past the mid-sentence semi-colon. I mean, the man himself asked for it. But, being rather thick and possibly scurvaceous, they tried Plans B and C first.

Jonah does his best impression of Scott Stapp.

13 Nevertheless the men rowed hard to bring it to the land; but they could not: for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous against them. The LORD was having none of it, ceaselessly making it rain on these midshipmen.

14 Wherefore they cried unto the LORD, and said, We beseech thee, O LORD, we beseech thee, let us not perish for this man’s life, and lay not upon us innocent blood: for thou, O LORD, hast done as it pleased thee. And the LORD, seeing how quickly they deserted their own gods, taunted them viciously, shouting, Where’s your Moses now? which resulted in many continuity errors.

15 So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging. Back to Plan A: bros before stowaways who routinely incite the wrath of God.

16 Then the men feared the LORD exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the LORD, and made vows, most of which they had broken by mid-February and later sold all the “barely-used” exercise equipment on Craigslist.

17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. And the LORD was pleased to the point of smugness and went off to a bash at the Valhalla Gentlemans’ Club to brag about his incredible “pimp hand.”



  1. Mad rhymes indeed. And mad skills too I might add.

    It’s difficult to know where to start, CLT, but If I had to choose I’d start with the word scurvacious. People don’t make words like that any more and, really, they should.

    From there, I’d just have to say that if God had layed down a few more lines like ” I tire greatly of their lippy bullshit” I wouldn’t have put it down after the 2nd chapter.

    brilliant CLT. Really.

    • I think the English language in general is suffering from massive underimagination. I’m sure there are some great descriptive words out there if we just kind of jam a few of them together.

      As for you wish for a more enjoyable Bible: I’m four chapters in, which leaves me about 2.5 lifetimes of posts left to go.

      I aim to do it with the help of vampiric immortality. (I’m keeping my fingers crossed and my neck bared for Xhristmas. Here’s hoping!)

      Great to see you, Don.

  2. Its funny, I loved the word “carefreely” in the first paragraph.

    I love coming to visit the first national church of CLT.

    Professor, You never cease to amaze me!

    • I caught that word too claire and marveled.

      CLT, great stuff man. great stuff.

    • I’ve decided it’s no longer clothes that make the man, but words. Hence, you will almost always find me clothed in the Emperor’s New Words.

      Thanks for the comments, compliments and visits, CC & Gryphon.

  3. Jonah…?

    I think you mean Jonas, don’t you? As in the epic biblical story of the Jonas Brothers. It’s a tale of mediocrity, swooning pre-teen girls, and hair gel.

    And woe betide and ye what a disaster is this supremely unholyish band… And so they were formed from the ashes of banality and started as a solo project for the Jonas known as “Nick.”

    And, lo, he graced the stages of that Sodom and Gomorrah known as Broadway. His most sinister and devilish travesties included roles in “A Hanukah Carol” (in 2000 as Tiny Absolom) “Annie Get Your Gun and Shoot That Damn Muslim” (in 2001 as Little Abdul Hameed) , “Beauty and the Beast 666” (as Chip the Antichrist), and “Les Misérables Sinners” (in 2003 as Spanky the boy who drank too much).

    And then this Nick of the Jonas wrote a song. And darkness was cast upon the world. And it was not good. The song “God’s Needle is Needling Me Like A Needle Needs a Needle” was, quote St. Nick “All about how, like, it’s easier for a camel to buy a needle than it is for an, um, junkie, to get free needles at the free needle clinic. Plus it’s about how awesome God is.”

    And along the road to musical perdition, he was joined by his dreary mop topped brothers who wanted in on thee action. Nick beget Joe who beget Kevin. And so it was to fucking be…

    After signing with Lucifer, the brothers Jonas considered naming their group “Slaves of the Trend” But that was stupid so they decided on “Be Jonas strong and of a good Jonas courage, fear not, nor be afraid…for the Jonas’s are thy Gods, doth go with thee to Party Central.” But that name wouldn’t fir on the CD jacket.

    And so they walked through the valley and were tempted by a guy named Hank who was selling Rolex knock offs. And then more shit happened…

    After spending what doest felt like an eternity besmirching the music industry, the Brother Jonas decided the time had come upon them to “foul the foulest industry of all – that which makes moving pictures.” (Quote Kevin to People Magazine/March 2007.)

    The Brothers Jonas filmed a Disney Channel reality short series entitled, “Jonas Brothers: Cuter Than Jesus” and oh Lord, it was a hit. And God said they were dreamy.

    And then, when all seemed too good to be true, light was cast upon the universe.

    The Brothers Jonases, their wholesome, “family-friendly” image ,their Evangelical Christian nonsense and their love of abstaining from premarital sex, would all come crashing down like, um, God’s freaking wrath when each of the boys would impregnate their purity rings.

    The pregnant rings on their fingers weren’t viewed as some kind of freaking miracle but as an abomination of the worst kind. “Sex with jewelry is worse than bestiality” claimed Moses, and he was right.

    From there the Brothers Jonas fell into a downward spiral of sex with necklaces, toe rings, earrings and other piercings and exotic jewelry. Somewhere along the way they got mixed up with the Tiger Woods jokes that were floating about. That didn’t help matters. As of fifteen minutes ago they were deemed by the grail of all grails “Teen People” to be “disgusting, ignoble, irrelevant musical hacks and deviants.”

    As of ten minutes ago they were making their much anticipated comeback.

    • Hey, Alan! Welcome back!

      Amen to all of the above. I had heard that Los Hermanos Jonas had become sex gang children but I just may have misunderstood the innuendo. I always thought the sex ring was for not having any sex but apparently it was an actual ring of sex, much like Johnny Cash sang about so many years ago.

      It’s too bad the Jonas brothers live on and Cash had to leave this mortal coil (which I believe happened in our year of the lord 4AD).

      When the new legends are written, you can lead the way. Sooner or later somewill will believe it’s canon and our ancestors will worship another set of adorable sexless moptops whom will be show on national tv with only the sexless “strike zone” area displayed, so as not to sear innocent eyeballs.

  4. Thank you for making the Bible so easy for not so bright people like me to understand. I can easily see why people love God so much. He just seems like such a nice guy and is always doing really fun stuff for his peeps. Living in the belly of a fish? Man, I bet Allah never gave out gifts like that.

    • No problem, TL. Just another service we provide at the House of Fancy Pants. It’s not so much that the Bible isn’t dumb, it’s just that it’s written in an obsolete vernacular, and lacks the amount of swear words needed to push it into the collective unconscious.

      Allah was all about handing out virgins. Must own a virgin factory or something. Or maybe he just raptures virgins up at periodic intervals, like the Bi-Annual Sci-Fi Convention.

      Great to see you, TL.

  5. I know you’re working your way through the entire western canon, but I was wondering when we might get a taste of Shakespeare or even Marlow for that matter? Impressive body of work CLT.

    • FJ lays down the gauntlet. You know how I love a challenge. (I don’t really. I just say that during job interviews and the occasional comment.)

      Keep your eyes peeled, FJ. I think some of the Bard’s work is due for an overhaul. And get some sleep. It should help heal up those peeled eyes…

  6. No matter how hard I try, CLT, I just can’t come up with a comment “voluminous” enough to chill out below this brilliantly-written volume.(I did manage to throw about my limbs about carefreely though, if that makes any difference…)

    You are the renegade master, CLT. For real.

    • “Voluminous” is now the word of the day. Post it as your Facebook status. (I’ll have to change mine from “CLT is feeling scurvacious.”)

      Thanks for dancing around in a somewhat carefree fashion, bschooled. Nobody was looking, so no harm, no foul.

  7. […] and FJ practically dared me to do it. So there’s that. Enjoy. Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day? Thou art more lovely […]

  8. Tis the reason for a season… no, wait… treason on the reason without a season, not even close. God bless this blog. I like the idea of God talking under his breath. It makes me feel like we have more in common, like we could hang.

    • Hahaha!!!

      That’s a great statement, RR. God swearing under his breath endears him to the people he created. We should use that at the (fucking) bible study.

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