Archive for February, 2010


Heavy Rotation Vol. 34

February 28, 2010

Another week, another Heavy Rotation. This one comes free of any tenuous connections or references to the “Hand Jive.”

Submitted for your approval: five artists; five songs; five stolen photos. Enjoy.

Feeling nostalgic? Check out the:
Heavy Rotation Archive

Suede – Introducing the Band.mp3
If you’re going to hit the stage, there is no better intro than this track. Swaggering, bruising, bittersweet and suicidal all in one thunderous package. Normally known for their glammed-up Smith’s derivatives, Suede (or London Suede as we know them in the US – for no fucking apparent reason – some other Suede out there cranking out ambisexual glam rock stateside, I suppose) lay down a bottom-heavy foundation on which to strut their “fifty-knuckle shuffle heavy metal machine.”

Parents, lock up your daughters. And your sons. The British re-invasion begins now.

Dog man star took a suck on a pill
And stabbed the cerebellum with a curious quill
Europe, America, Winterland
Introducing the band

Hick thug stuttered through a stereo dream
A fifty knuckle shuffle heavy metal machine
The tears of suburbia drowned the land
Introducing the band

So steal me a savage, subservient son
Get him shacked-up, bloodied-up and sucking on a gun
I want the style of a woman, the kiss of a man
Introducing the band

And as the sci-fi lullaby starts to build
See them whipping all the women, cracked governments killed
Oh, let the century die to violent hands
Introducing the band, introducing the band
Introducing the band, introducing the band

No Age – Eraser.mp3
Comprising of two Los Angeles natives, No Age set up shop at the corner of Shoegaze and College Rock. Sounding like the best parts of Ride and My Bloody Valentine underpinning the best parts of Pavement and Dinosaur Jr./Sebadoh without the elliptical lyrics or bizarre detunings.

Catchy as fucking hell. Like Grade A Smallpox. In your brain.

Micro Titanic – Interplanetary Hunters.mp3
Straight outta the Netherlands, it’s Micro Titanic with an attack of cut n’ paste beats that brings to mind Close (to the Edit) by the Art of Noise and Beat Dis by Bomb the Bass. All good stuff, with a great 80’s vibe and some great horn samples. And hey, at 2:37, it’s not going to wear out its welcome anytime soon.

The Abrahammer – What Was Your Childhood Like?.mp3
From the 80’s into the 90’s with your host, The Abrahammer, whose mash-up skills take the Who, Public Enemy, the Beastie Boys, the Rugrats theme and hit “blend smoothly.” Fun stuff. Prepare to nerd out completely around the 4:15 mark, when a very familiar videogame theme song kicks in and drags Missy Elliott  Amanda Blank (correction via the Abrahammer himself) around the block in an 8-bit Caddy.

Jay-Z vs. the Verve – Bittersweet Dirt Off Your Shoulders.mp3
From artist(s) unknown comes this blissful mashup of Bittersweet Symphony and Dirt Off Your Shoulders. It’s amazing how well Jay-Z’s anthem meshes with “the best song the Rolling Stones recorded in the last 25 years.” It’s also amazing how many royalties nobody’s earning every time this rolls.

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]



The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 6

February 26, 2010

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. And you thought we’d all forgotten about you.

How could we, what with your “Best-Selling Book in the World Ever”  status and your constant unwelcome presence in our hotel room drawers when all we need is the SpectraVision guide.

Say “hello” (again) to the Bible, as translated by Fancy Pants, Inc. LLC.

Previous abominations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archives

King Josiah leans in to hear the punchline of the latest "Garfield."

1 The words of Jeremiah the son of Hilkiah, of the priests that were in Anathoth in the land of Benjamin: (This will be on the test.)

2 To whom the word of the LORD came in the days of Josiah the son of Amon king of Judah, in the thirteenth year of his reign. (Again, on the test, but worded badly.)

3 It came also in the days of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the end of the eleventh year of Zedekiah the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the carrying away of Jerusalem captive in the fifth month. Due to the “carrying away,” if you re-secure Jerusalem, you’ll need to stop by the courthouse for a lien release ($17.50).

4 Then the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, (in verbal ALL CAPS, as is the LORD’s m.o.)

5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. It’s called “predestined.” I do a lot of it. It’s like “premeditated” but it’s tougher to hang a sentence on, especially in Southern courts.

6 Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. I mean, not literally, but more in the “I really don’t want to do this” sort of way.

7 But the LORD said unto me, Stop being such a baby. Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Like a puppet. Or the BJU student body.

8 Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the LORD. Or at least, don’t make that horrible “OMG!” face. You know the one I’m talking about. They’re very sensitive about their hideous faces.

9 Then the LORD put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. And I said, Did you have to put your words in my mouth with so much tongue? That kind of touching is kind of inappropriate.

10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant. To kick ass, to chew bubblegum, to serve in that You Got Served sort of way. (Rather than in that pussy-ass “How may I help you?” sort of way.)

11 Moreover the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Jeremiah, what seest thou? And I said, I see a rod of an almond tree, which reminds me, what hast thou put so many anatomically correct trees all over? I’ve got a million H.R. complaints to wade through from the last harvest.

King Josiah reaches for his ankh-sword and prepares to "cut a (Baal-worshipping and bearded) bitch."

12 Then said the LORD unto me, Thou hast well seen: for I will hasten my word to perform it. And I said, It’s kind of hard to miss, what with the length and girth of their roddiness… What was the last part?

13 And the word of the LORD came unto me the second time, saying, What seest thou? And I said, I see a seething pot; and the face thereof is toward the north. And the LORD said, You know, your constant reference to inanimate objects and their irrelevant geographic orientation is wearing a little thin.

14 Then the LORD continued, But in this case, I’ll let it slide, seeing as it aligns itself with one of my pet theories. Out of the north an evil shall break forth upon all the inhabitants of the land.

15 For, lo, I will call all the families of the kingdoms of the north, saith the LORD; so if My line’s busy, just keep trying. Or call after 6 pm, Pacific Time. And they shall come, and they shall set every one his throne at the entering of the gates of Jerusalem, and against all the walls thereof round about, and against all the cities of Judah. It’s called “stacking the deck.” Against you. It’s kind of my “thing.” Ask Job.

16 And I will utter my judgments against them touching all their wickedness (repeatedly), who have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods, and worshipped the works of their own hands. I’ll be bringing it to these heathens and their arrogant pot-smoking craftmanship. I mean honestly, does incense fool anyone anymore?

17 Thou therefore gird up thy loins, and arise, and speak unto them all that I command thee. Gird in layers. It’s unseasonably cold. Be not dismayed at their faces, lest I confound thee before them. Once again, they can’t help how they look. It’s a terrible cosmic joke which we’ll blame on genetics. Inbred genetics.

18 For, behold, I have made thee this day a defenced city, and an iron pillar, and brasen walls against the whole land. So hide behind the pillar (everybody gets one) and try to tune out the walls and their outspoken hussiness. Against the kings of Judah, against the princes thereof, against the priests thereof, and against the people of the land. Outnumbered and outgunned: that’s right out of Yahweh’s Art of War.

19 And they shall fight against thee; but they shall not prevail against thee; for I am with thee, saith the LORD, to deliver thee, unless otherwise detained by “deck-stacking” elsewhere. Peace out.



Platitudes for a New Millenium

February 23, 2010

Nothing says "mysterious garage fire" like watching this smug bastard pose with your ex-wife.

As you make your way through the various potholes and “Bridge Out” warnings on this road we call “life,” you will often find yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice.

Unfortunately, most self-appointed advisors (including us) tend to use shopworn clichés (like “shopworn cliché”) and meaningless catchphrases instead of delivering actual advice (especially us).

Today we take aim at an old favorite: “Living well is the best revenge.”

Is it? Let’s take a closer look.

Say you’ve just wrapped up another Nip/Tuck marathon when your wife says something like, “Speaking of which, I’m leaving your for that plastic surgeon I met at the gym.” And away she heads to a new life full of late-model sports cars and free collagen injections.

And what do you have? Ten years of bills, 20 more years on the mortgage and two sons, one of whom is looking to join the “Orange” team down at the local correctional facility and one of whom is looking to join the Audubon Society.

Unfortunately, the child with whom you actually feel a connection has just sold your laptop for drug money and the other will be sticking you with several hundred thousand dollars in unpaid student loans as he pursues a go-nowhere career in ornithology.

At this point, someone will pipe up with, “Living well is the best revenge,” if only because it’s easier to say than, “There’s no way you’re competing with that.”

But is “living well” really the best revenge? Is it even revenge?

In a word, “Ah, hell nah!” Revenge is still the best revenge. Sugar in the gas tank. Tuna cans in the air vents. The mysterious fire in the garage. That’s revenge. The problem is: you’ll be the prime suspect.

Try this instead.

Get ahold of the good doctor’s name, address, phone and email address. Most of this should be easy to obtain, especially if divorce proceedings are underway.

As for that email address? A week or so of late night drunken calls to his house should get you a sternly-worded email reminding you that your estranged wife has no interest in “servicing” you no matter how “horny” or “depressed” you feel.

Now take that email address and sign him up for every deviant porn site you can find. Sign him up for every shady personal ad site. Every online petition. Every “Work at Home!” scam. Anything that clogs an inbox and takes an act of God to get rid of.

Mark every questionnaire you come across with “Yes! You can contact me at home/work!” Try to make sure that the “Best Time to Call” manages to cover most of a 24-hour period. Add him to any and every mailing list you can find, especially those of the erectile-dysfunction/out-there porn variety.

Unfortunately you won’t be able to witness the ensuing debacle firsthand, but you can let your imagination run wild. He’ll be dealing with a clogged inbox, various strains of malware and popups and nonstop calls from solicitors. He’ll be busy trying to explain away such periodicals as Men Who Love Men Who Love Horses and NAMBLA’s Amateur Boy Scouting Manual.

For more fun, do the same for your soon-to-be ex-wife. It should take their sex life to the next level as they scramble to entertain each other’s perceived fetishes, turning their bedroom into something halfway between a bondage club and a petting zoo.

And then, just as the lube is applied and the animals given a “safety word,” the phone will ring, bringing with it such questions as:

  • Are you available to host the third leg of a charity marathon? You’ll need to supply Gatorade and lined bags for exhaustion vomit.
  • Can you please to wire money to sick relative in Eastern Bloc?
  • Is this the GM who was listed as “submissive” and into “watersports?”
  • Would you take $5000 for the fire-damaged Maserati?
  • You, asking if your wife is available to “service” you.

“Living well” is the old way. The new millenium demands a change. Say it together now:

Living vindictively is the best revenge.”



Heavy Rotation Vol. 33

February 21, 2010

Time being of the essence and all that, here’s a fairly brief Heavy Rotation which I hope will tide you over until my routine expansiveness returns. You’ll still get five outstanding tracks, but with way less of the “witty” banter and “insightful” critiquing that you’ve come to expect.

Feeling nostalgic? Check out the:
Heavy Rotation Archives

A Place to Bury Strangers – In Your Heart (Cereal Spiller Remix).mp3
Remember how I’m always going on and on about how A Place to Bury Strangers is my new favorite band?


Maybe I’m thinking of Whitey. Or you are.

Anyway, they are. They are like the Jesus and Mary Chain + My Bloody Valentine + a fuckload of noise. So: fun. This remix, however, charms the hell out of the noisy New Yorkers and takes them on a laidback and melodic spin dangerously close to the dancefloor.

Paul Dempsey – Ramona Was A Waitress (Faux Pas Remix).mp3
Faux Pas shakes up a fellow Antipodean’s tune about life, the universe and everything and turns it into something resembling a Gary Numan track making love to some sort of wonderful thing made out of flanging and phasing. Couldn’t be more pleasant and agreeably hummable.

Plus Faux Pas himself is an all-around good guy who actually stopped by here and corrected just one of my many factual errors. And he called me “Big Ears,” which I have chosen to believe is a compliment.

Cold Cave – Love Comes Close.mp3
Straight out of Rocky’s hometown by way of Manhattan comes this new synthpop combo, whose M.O. is making fucking good tracks that sound like all the best things from the early 80’s, namely early New Order, Clan of Xymox and Echo & the Bunnymen. How can you say “no” to that?

Simian Mobile Disco – Audacity of Huge (Dada Life Remix).mp3
From out of England (as is the case with most fine dance music – except when it comes out of France), SMD bring their disco strut to this track, which posits the age old complaint – “I’ve got it all, but I don’t have you.”

The difference here are the tongue-thru-cheek lyrics, which name drop everything from PM Dawn, Peter Tosh to Minidiscs and, notably, a “biodiesel dirigible.” Fun, fun, fun and all done with the swaggering overconfidence that says, “Hand me that yardstick so I can measure my cock.” Highly recommended.

PNAU – With You Forever (Fear of Tigers Mix).mp3
PNAU, whom we last heard front-mouthing for the Groove Armada on their blistering single “Warsaw,” turns in this blissfully melancholic track which cruises gorgeously into your forebrain, thanks to the incredibly sure production of Fear of Tigers.

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to it’s high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]



Capitalist Lion Tamer University!

February 16, 2010

CLTU: Putting the "drab" back in "drab, faceless college."

As the world’s foremost authority on all things “bloggy,” Capitalist F.* Lion Tamer is hereby joining every Mom and Pop university in the dipping of our collective wick into the trillion-dollar nightmare that is public funding.

*The “Fucking” is optional, but heavily encouraged.

Announcing the grand opening of the Capitalist Lion Tamer University, featuring a catalog of courses and degrees that rival such heralded institutions as UC-Santa Cruz (Home of the Fighting Banana Slugs) and PS 114 (Detroit). We are now accepting applications from open-minded and open-walleted students.

Wordsmithing 101: Beating English at its Own Game

Advanced Parentheses: The Where, When and How of Parenthetic Overuse (includes “Basic Bracketting” and “When in Doubt, Em Dash”)

Dialogue Basics: How to make something no one would ever, ever say sound natural, mainly by using colons to indicate that, yes, this is dialogue.

Running Gags: 1,001 Uses for a Beaten, Dead Horse

Cheapshots and Bullshit: Did someone say “Branson, MO” and “Woodworking?”

Proofreading is for Pussies: If spellcheck didn’t catch it, most likely no one else will.

Debate: Presenting One-Sided Arguments Self-Righteously (Two keys: authoritative links, f-bombs.)

Commenting 101: Why Leave Every Half-Baked Idea at Home?

Character Assassination: Featuring keynote speeches from guest speakers Clive F.* Cussler, Chad “Penis” Kroeger and “Pistol” Pete Doherty.

*This “Fucking” is mandatory.

The Music Industry: Dealing with the RIAA, BMI, ASCAP and all those other fuckers who keep trying to steal my stolen music.

Blogging Basics: Start small. For instance, choose a manageable subject like all of rock and roll or the Bible.

Remedial Narcissism: Failure to pass this course will cause your blog to be deleted.

CLTU: Putting the "You" back in "University!"

Where’s the Hell is My Book Deal? and Other Ridiculous Questions

The World Isn’t Actually Beating a Path to Your Virtual Door: It’s Just Google Image Search

How to Listen to Music: Now with easily-downloadable songs, optional earphones.

Pop Culture Vomitorium: The Brain Scrapings of Prof. CLT

Shop Class: Construct a blog using only recycled gags, swear words and stolen pictures. (Passing grade awarded to “brilliant/timeless” posts only.)

Solidarity!: Bringing the Anglo World Together by Randomly Co-opting British/Canadian Spelling/Slang

Holy Fuck! My Brain Ran Out of… Stuff!: Fallback Careers for the Early-Peaking Blogger (letter writing campaigns, MSN Money columnist, “Fuck” Inserter for Mamet/Scorsese)

(Note: A. Truitt and C. Collins have been placed on academic suspension for failure to meet minimum attendance requirements.
The staff at CLTU would like to remind R. Rooster and D. Mills that turning in work once a week (no matter how brilliant) is no replacement for doing the daily assignments.
T. Leah and S. Zodi – Please note that all accidents and injuries (priapism/broken coccyx) must be cleared with staff 4-6 weeks prior to occurence. This also holds true for any other unplanned events (sexual harassment suits/weeklong benders) that may cause further absences.
Congratulations to B. Schooled and D. McGinley for their perfect attendance!)



Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 4 – Shoplifting:My Anti-Drug

February 9, 2010

Look at these freshly-scrubbed, well-lit demographics!

Being a teen and/or tween in today’s society can be tough. Between the pressure of school and the pressures of Todd (who one day hopes to run his own comic book/porn shop), today’s youngsters often find themselves turning to the incredibly comfortable embrace of drugs.

Good for them, I say! You don’t want to spend the rest of the “best years of your life” stressed and closed-legged. You’re only young once! Live now while you still have your whole future to destroy!

But remember, each one of you is very different in very similar ways. Some of you are natural-born leaders, willing to lead the pack down the various dark alleys and cul-de-sacs that make up life.

Others are the pace-setters who establish the speed the pack will run, neither leading or following, but rather, middle-managing.

Still others will cull the herd, picking off those without proper clothing, musical taste or an older brother who can buy them beer.

The rest will run with the pack, nose-to-anus, following blindly. They are still an essential part of the whole, like pawns in a chess match or civilians in a war-torn but heavily televised country.

With all these essential pieces forming an inseparable and indistinguishable whole, it’s easy to forget those who take the “road less travelled.” In fact, it’s incredibly easy to forget them as you most likely will never see them again until you’re delivering Pepsi to their multi-store retail chains or detailing their Jag while they get a blowjob from your girlfriend at the nearest Holiday Inn Express.

Signage courtesy of the newly-enacted "Winona's Law."

There are some people from all walks of life (Note: “all walks” = ages 13-19) for whom drugs are not the answer. Surprising, I know, what with all the enhancements, side effects and crippling withdrawal that drugs have to offer.

For some, the thrill comes from skirting the law. It may start with random jaywalking or curfew violations. From there they may move on to cheating on their finals or entering false information on their Census forms, always seeking a new “high” or “rush” or other co-opted drug metaphor.

Before they know it (which is most likely before you know it, especially if you’re the victim), they’ve fallen into a life of petty crime, filled with illegal football pools and un-itemized deductions. It’s as if they can’t stop themselves. Soon their auto insurance has lapsed and they’re carelessly smoking well within the confines of the 200-foot “No Smoking” zone.

If this goes unchecked long enough, these no-goodniks, these “Goofi” will have clawed their way to the top of the criminal heap with the most heinous of misdemeanors: shoplifting.

It’s now a very dim future for these malcontents as they travel down a lonely, but heavily populated, road to ruin.

Watch for these warning signs:

  • Heavy clothing during warm months.
  • Heavy clothing during cold months.
  • Heavy clothing during promiscuous, meaningless sex.
  • Sudden increase of small items and knickknacks with no verifiable income increase.
  • Sudden detainment for shoplifting.
  • Incessant humming of Jane’s Addiction’s hit Been Caught Stealing.
  • Father’s Day gifts include caseless DVD, 16 Bic lighters, a laser penlight, 12 assorted packs of unpopular gum and a deck of cards.

It’s not too late! Grab your teen/tween (gently and appropriately, of course) and set them back on the drug path, with its relative safety in numbers and proven track record of lazy ineptness and occasional home invasions. Remind Grandma to put the Oxy-Contin in the gun safe.

Remember: You can’t prevent drugs from being the problem. You can only prevent them from being the solution.

Up next on Life’s Little Lessons:
The Third-Person Miracle of Childbirth: Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit.



Heavy Rotation Vol. 32

February 7, 2010

Welcome back to Fancy Plans record-setting series, in terms of longevity and Youtube clickthru views. It’s been a few weeks since the last volume, but I’ve got something special for the return: actual file hosting. This means no more leaving the site for downloads or watching some hastily slapped together Youtube video. Just right-click on the song title to download or push “Play” on the player to give it a whirl. Enjoy.

Previous volumes here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

We Are Wolves – La Nature.mp3
Coming on like a 3-piece Death From Above 1979, Montreal’s We Are Wolves consist of a lead bassist (and occasional guitarist), a drummer, a drum machine and a keyboardist whose sole duty is to coax the unholiest of buzzing noises out of his twin Rolands. Tending toward blistering 2-1/2 chord rock in most of their songs, La Nature follows a slightly different path, relying more on building space with lode-bearing reverb and echoing vocals/vocalizations. The final product bears more than a passing resemblance to Suicide’s finer moments.

Sonic Boom – RNR Is Killing My Life.mp3
Speaking of Suicide, here’s a kickass cover of one of their tracks, courtesy of Pete “Sonic Boom” Kember, a founding member of drone-rock antagonists, Spacemen 3. Sonic says rock and roll is killing his life and he sounds like he means it, maaaan. Surprisingly hummable and perfect for those do-nothing days where you just want to lay around the house pumping yourself full of heroin.

Spacemen 3 – Transparent Radiation.mp3
Speaking of the Spacemen 3, here they are with a fine rendition of a Red Krayola track. Cutting way back on the drone serves them well, allowing the song’s spacious melancholy to shine darkly. Of course, the glacial pace and the use of the saddest chords since Spinal Tap’s last “artistic” effort aid the cause. Oh, and lots of echo and reverb, as was their way.

Belong – Late Night.mp3
Speaking of covering avant-garde psychedelic forefathers, here’s another glacially-paced thing of crippling beauty, all submerged vocals and layers of electronic gauze. This cover of an old Syd Barrett track (I say “old” because he hasn’t really release much recently, what with being dead and all) is a masterpiece of breathtaking ambience. (I say “breathtaking” because drowning tends to do exactly that.)

DatA – Blood Theme.mp3
Speaking of nothing in particular, here’s uber-producer DatA/Danger with an alternately brutal and beautiful reimagination of Giorgio Moroder’s Tony’s Theme from the Scarface soundtrack. Opening with unadorned piano, the track soon gives way to buzzing bass growls and a swaggering low-end thump, building and building until the 2:30 mark, where the cacophony suddenly gives way to the haunting sighs of processed female vocals. Hold on. DatA dives right back in for a little more thrashing before setting the listener adrift on the piano coda.

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]



Leaked! – TSA Internal Memo

February 3, 2010

Making the skies safer, one nap at a time...

To all TSA (Travel Security Administration) personnel:

As America’s last line of defense in the fight against domestic terrorism, we have instituted the following guidelines and procedures to help our frontline personnel stop potential terrorists, preferably before they board the plane. (Once they are on the plane, it’s all in Allah’s hands. Or God’s. Or the Dutch.)

Be aware! At any time, someone could set us up the bomb!

To this point, our “if it looks foreign, detain it” policy has served us well. However, some recent minor (but potentially calamitous) glitches have presented us with a chance for improvement. To this end we have devised the following list of “red flags*” to be on the lookout for:

*May also be “orange” or “yellow” depending on current threat level as determined by the NSA’s random number generator. Fun fact: number generator can also be used for office keno games!

Clothing and Accessories

  • Unseasonably warm clothing/loose-fitting clothing – Can hide bomb components.
  • T-shirts with drug references – Implicit support of terrorism/troublemaking punks.
  • Abnormally large purses – Use your judgment. Some women carry these year-round as part of a generally nomadic existence.
  • I “Plane” NY shirts – Just seems wrong in a way we can’t put our finger on/troublemaking punks.
  • Fanny packs, man purses – Anything that can be done to discourage use of these items would seem to be a good idea.
  • Open-toed shoes – Considered “unsafe” in most workplaces, doubly so in a workspace where everyone is forced to breathe the same recycled air. Also tends to indicated “freeminded” hippie types, who have been nothing but trouble since the Nixon administration.
  • Diaper bags – Often filled with deadly fluids, deadly nail clippers/safety scissors, deadly powdered formula and deadly interminable stacks of baby photos.


"TSA officials often complete their useless pre-flight screenings by uselessly praying for their passengers' safety."

Mandatory Strip Searches

  • People of a darker complexion travelling with visas
  • People of a darker complexion not named Jose
  • People of a darker complexion named Jose
  • Women rated higher than 7.5 according to
  • Troublemaking, sarcastic bloggers

Suspicious Activities

  • Loitering
  • Twittering
  • Talking loudly into Bluetooth headsets
  • Sexting
  • Bomb or weapon assembling
  • Blogging (especially “live-blogging”)
  • Periphery-circling
  • Post-checkpoint shoe adjusting
  • Gathering of 5 or more people without the proper permit
  • Fieldtripping
  • Raving
  • Masturbating
  • Speed walking
  • Complaint/lawsuit filing
  • Drug dealing
  • General bitching

Look kids! Bomb ingredients! And all of these can be found in your parents' carry-on bags!

(Note: please post this list inconspicuously and be sure to inform travellers that the forbidden item list is subject to change at anytime, especially if they insist on being indignant or uncooperative. Use the following phrase to defuse tense situations: “You’re about five seconds from travelling to Cleveland in the nude, buster. [Use “bustette” if speaking to a female.]

Remember: Irrational fear is your best weapon. [Note: Feel free to use your actual issued weapon if need be.])

  • Nail clippers
  • Saline solution
  • Homemade snacks
  • Moonshine
  • Explosives
  • Lighters/matches/two sticks/flint/magnifying glasses
  • Laser pointers
  • Snuggies
  • “That smartass mouth of yours”
  • Shoelaces/belts/zippers
  • Off-brand sodas
  • Lifesaving medicine
  • Battery-powered toothbrushes (manual toothbrushes are still allowed)
  • Non-fluff reading material
  • Valid photo IDs
  • Keepsakes
  • Rosary beads
  • Anal beads
  • Wallet-borne prophylactics
  • Manual toothbrushes
  • Opened copies of Microsoft Flight Simulator
  • Artificial limbs
  • 50,000+ frequent flyer miles
  • Black-market kidneys
  • Your dignity

In-Flight Rule Changes
As you know, we are constantly striving for a safer travel experience. To that end, we have made the following changes to our patented “too much, too late” policy of overreaction and obtuseness.

  • Passengers will now line up single file in alphabetical order (last name first) and be led on-board by the on-duty air marshal, whose weapon must remain drawn for the duration of the flight. (Remember to check that the safety is safely in the “off” position for speedier overreaction time.)
  • For the first and last hours of the flight passengers are to remain in a supine, spread-eagled position with fingers interlaced behind their heads. No conversation or eye contact will be allowed.
  • No conversation while the aircraft is in motion.
  • Passengers must ask permission to use the restroom. Tipping your restroom attendant is mandatory.
  • In the likely event of an airborne terrorist situation, passengers are encouraged to “take matters into their own hands” as 1.) it has a proven track record and 2.) your air marshal will most likely be going mano-a-mano with the restroom lock or contemplating a mid-air career change.

Let’s all hope that these changes will lead us into a new era of regulated inefficiency and borderline brutality.

Remember, only YOU* can prevent domestic terrorism!

*”YOU” meaning “us” as a bureaucratic entity with far-reaching power and minimal oversight.



Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 3

February 1, 2010

Fake plants are code for "surprisingly expensive."

Have you heard the expression, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?” It means making the best of bad situations. Here’s another “what if” situation for you to ponder, pulled from the 24/7 lemonade stand that is your life.

You’re out on a blind date. It’s been a pleasant evening, if a little expensive. You signal the waiter for your check.

As your waiter ignores you, you gaze deep into your date’s greyish-blue eyes. You think, “This could be it.” After several misfires and several thousand dollars, you may have finally landed a keeper.

Sure, the language barrier is slowing down the conversation and you seem to recall her profile photo being blonder and shorter, but all in all, an attractive woman.

The conversation has been a little awkward as she keeps inquiring about your personal net worth and bank account numbers. She also keeps mentioning someone named “Alexi,” who at various points is either in the import/export business, a pimp, her ex-husband or her current boyfriend.

In fact, discussion on this presumably armed and dangerous “Alexi” has chewed up a fair amount of the evening as you attempt to determine which country he is in currently and whether or not he has a valid visa.

There has also been a lively discussion about her name, which also keeps changing. The only constant that has held up all night is that she believes her full last name is “”

Your waiter, having finished smoking a joint with the line cooks, returns to present you with your check.


Holy fuck.

There’s no way this is right.

But of course, it is. Your peroxided companion looks at you expectantly, while sneaking discreet glances at the total. Her dull grey eyes light up briefly when she spots the “$,” the only English word she’s familiar with.

You quickly do some mental math and realize that no single card in your wallet has that much remaining on it. You blindly flip through your cards and come across your “ace in the hole,” stuck between an Amway rep’s business card and a cracked condom bearing the phrase “Party like it’s 1999!”

Your Diner’s Club card, issued in 1981 and last used before the turn of the century.

The presentation of this card will remind management to have a busboy scrape that logo of the front entrance window.

Your waiter picks up the check and dubious credit card, staring at you balefully for a beat or two.

“Thanks. I’ll go have this rejected and be right back.”

Your date smiles vacantly while you gaze into the middle distance and explore your options. You also notice that all the silverware is missing from the table.

Finally your waiter returns with your card and barely-contained smirk. As you brace yourself for the inevitable, you notice that the adjacent tables are suddenly swarming with attentive wait staff, all very slowly and nonchalantly refilling water glasses.

“I’m sorry, Mr. X…” Except he says your full given name. Loudly.

“…but it is our policy to only accept REAL credit cards, not those issued in ads located near the back of the Saturday Evening Post, or those requiring a time machine and a bad moustache to verify.”

A burst of laughter escapes from one of the nearby waiters, inadvertently (and inappropriately) punctuating a patron’s anecdote, which had just gotten to the point where the surgeon found yet another inoperable tumor in his mother’s lungs.

“Our manager would be more than happy to work out payment details in person. If you’ll follow me…”

You tell Katarina that you’ll be back momentarily, gazing briefly and hatefully at her nearly untouched filet mignon/lobster combo meal and the several completely finished champagne bottles.

She tells you that she has to use the restroom. She gets up and heads to the ladies’ room, which she apparently believes is located somewhere in the parking lot.

As you and most of the wait staff make your way back to the manager’s office, you spy your vehicle passing by the front windows, driven by a pony-tailed and dangerous-looking man in an ill-fitting suit. is riding shotgun and displaying a new set of table settings.

So. What have we learned? Or more importantly, what haven’t we learned? After an experience like this, it’s probably wise to deal with only hypothetical questions for a while. It will keep you from realizing there are really no good answers to questions such as these.


Here’s an inspirational poster.

Ah. That's better.

Coming up next on Life’s Little Lessons:
Shoplifting: My Anti-Drug