Archive for December, 2009

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Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 1

December 31, 2009

"Cliche #46: Sunrise/Sunset." Available at Inspirational Stock Photography.

Sometimes events happen in your life and you know right away that they were meant to happen… to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help figure out who you are, or who you want to become. Other times they seem to happen to shape people’s perception of you, long after the critical first impression.

You never know when these will happen or what shape they’ll take, but when you they occur, you know that very moment that they will affect the rest of your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen that at the time seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart. It’s only with the power of open-mindedness and hindsight that you will be able to look back at these events as horrible, painful and unfair. And if therapy is involved, prohibitively expensive.

Like when the clerk at the adult bookstore informs you that they have run out of black bags and only have two different types remaining: clear and promotional bags featuring the phrase “A Fistful of Dolly.” And you begin to question whether this was the best use of your lunch break and ponder the quickest route back to your vehicle, which is parked between a storefront daycare and the local NOW office.

Yes. Difficulties lie ahead but everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or bad luck. Sometimes your day just won’t cooperate. Perhaps it’s time to simplify. Consider cutting down on your carbon footprint by bringing in your own reusable (and nondescript) porn bag. Try marking it with something like “Adidas” or “Not Porn.”

So as you begin your nonchalant speedwalking, you hear your name being called. You turn around to see a recent ex-girlfriend who is apparently out shopping with your mom. You find them drawing closer and attempt to jam four DVDs and a half-dozen magazines into the pockets of your sports coat.

You can’t think of what to say. It’s all stuff no one would believe, like “It’s for a bachelor party,” or “I lost a bet,” or “It’s time for ‘the talk’ with my oldest son.” None of that will draw attention away from your colorful porn and the fisting reference. For that matter, you don’t even have kids.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. Can you feel the blood rising and your heart beating faster? That’s life right there, deflowering your dignity.

So after embarrassing yourself and everyone else, you head back to your car and drive to work, forgetting that you left your porn on the roof while you got into the vehicle. It’s gone now, but it will live on, causing many angry letters to be written to many editors by many perturbed parents and outraged NOW members.

The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones, not to mention the most scarring and psychologically debilitating. You can expect some awkward phone calls from your mom and a mental (and mutual) restraining order from your ex-girlfriend.

Life. Too often we take these formative experiences for granted and try to “power through” them to get on with what’s left of our lives. It’s time to sit back and take stock of these experiences to better prepare ourselves for an often unpleasant future.

Thanks for reading.

Next on Life’s Little Lessons:
Your wife returns home from the local Christian women’s retreat pregnant. And a lesbian.

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 5

December 29, 2009

The Bible is full of parables and stories that teach us valuable lessons through the suffering of others. Perhaps no story teaches us more than the story of Job. It teaches us that God toys with his creation and falls victim to a manipulative and bitchy Satan too easily.

Meet Job: an all-around good guy who gets his ass (and asses) handed to him during a supernatural game of Truth-or-Dare.

Previous blasphelarious (thanks, shearviscosity!) translations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Job's friends interrupt his "8-Minute Abs" session with suggestions that he up his reps; curse God; die.

1 There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. The neighbors hated him. With a passion. Especially since he kept them up late at night, eschewing evil, often with his mouth open.

2 And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Like in that movie, Three Brides for Seven Brothers, which was a big hit in West Virginia and smaller cults worldwide.

3 His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. So not only was he perfect and upright, but he had a metric shitload of stuff, including some of the best ass around. God. I’m sick of him already.

4 And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Because they all had their own houses, what with their filthy rich dad and there was always enough mutton and camel and ass to go around.

5 And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually, hedging his bets to stave off any unwarranted judgement from God. (FORESHADOWING) This generally took him the better part of the week, which meant that he was at least three days behind by Tuesday and by Friday it was last winter.

6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Right up there on the list of reasons why God cast out Satan: constant gatecrashing. He also mentioned something about his “bogarting” of joints and never having any “stash” of his own. Plus he once peed in the linen closet.

In this tangentially-related etching, Job and unknown others discuss the pros and cons of cursing God; dying.

7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. I’m just passing through, dawg. No need to get all uptight.

8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Hast thou also considered his fine sons and daughters, who have GPAs in the upper 4’s and multiple extracurricular activities? Hast thou also not seen his annual food drive and UNICEF cans? And his organ donor card?

9 Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast thou not laid thine “pimp hand” down like thou did to thy servant Jonah a few chapters from now?

10 Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Why shouldst he bitch, when thou hooketh him up constantly?

11 But put forth thine pimp hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Seriously. I bet I can get the F-bomb out of him.

12 And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Because I am a vengeful and wrathful God. And I’m a sucker for playing the spread and looking like a big man in front of the demons. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD and mentally counted his winnings. (Which were not monetary, thus making the whole “playing the spread” thing irrelevant.)

13 And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. This would be a day that ended in “y.”

14 And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them. Because they’re lazy asses. The oxen are starting to complain that someone should “write those asses up.” Anyway… that’s not the important part...

15 And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. So… don’t worry about the write-ups. The problem seems to have solved itself. Although we will need to hire some new servants…

Subtitled "Job, Shut the Fuck Up or Get the Fuck Out!"

16 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I mean, I think it was Godfire. I was enjoying a post-sheep banging cigarette and I think I dozed off. Next thing I know, it’s like a Fiery Furnace (self-referential!) out there, only with an awful “burning mattress” smell.

17 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Worst Lollapalooza ever. Three bands. Slain servants. The headliner was Bush. ClearChannel isn’t issuing refunds and I left my Camels in my other ironic t-shirt.

18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. You know, ’cause it’s a day that ends with “y”? And they’re known lushes?

19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I told them to make it out of brick, but no one listens to old Gerald. Not until he’s the last guy standing.

20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, (One Mantle: available month-to-month. 350 shekel deposit. No dogs.)

21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. To be honest, I liked the LORD better when he was giving, but what can you do? He also liketh the taking. Perhaps too much.

22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. (God, feeling obligated by his massive screwing of Job, agreed to pick up the lease on the mantle and signed a 12-month agreement. Job appreciated this gesture and threw in a new flatscreen TV during God’s six-month extension.)

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation 29: Both Hands on My Organ

December 27, 2009

Nothing says the holidays are upon us like a lazy penis joke. And nothing says mid-holiday wear-and-tear like a four-sentence intro. Once again, it’s a themed Heavy Rotation. Enjoy in good health.

Previous versions here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Electrelane – I Love You My Farfisa
All girls (well, not all girls during various permutations). All the time (not true, either, as they are on indefinitely hiatus since late 2007). To sum up: mostly girls until 2007, which gives them about a decade of rocking the intersection of Stereolab and the VU, which means fuck-all considering everyone channels Stereolab and VU.

But here’s what’s the what: the almighty power of the Farfisa organ, being pimped by four ladies straight outta Brighton. It rolls and surges and screams, building a self-fulfilling head of steam (and a bit of self-promotion too, judging by the song title). The pace picks up and the girls holler at you to “turn your transistor on.”

This track must have ripped faces off in concert, considering Electrelane’s live reputation.

Clinic – Harvest (Within You)
Clinic. Shall I compare thee to… who? They don’t really sound like anyone else out there. They’ve got a little of that late 60’s garage/psychedelia going on, like the soundtrack to a “freakout” scene in a cheapie Corman flick. You know, the kind of track that fits but doesn’t sound expensive.

And yet, they’re incredibly good. Ade Blackburn’s for mumbling syllables doesn’t help the comparisons. He could be like a less-nasal Dylan as he gets about as elliptical but there’s no sense of underlying conscience or poetry. He just seems to be trying to convey emotions and scenery with tones alone. His band backs him up, clothed in scrubs and surgical masks, laying down some imaginative percussion and, of course, some killer organ highlights to turn Clinic into the indefinably great.

 

Breakbot – Happy Rabbit
Another day, another laptop producer. Following the “all hands on deck” approach to genres, Paris native Breakbot splices castoff pieces from breaks, surf, electro and sunshiney-pop into a warm and inviting little chunk of ear candy. The organ colors the bubbling electronics and slides across the rubbery funk basslines.

Charlatans UK – The Only One I Know
Of all the tracks in this Rotation, The Only One I Know is probably the one everybody knows. The Norm of early-90s alternative rock, The Only One I Know features the Charlatans “me too” entry into the “baggy” sweepstakes.

And what an entry. All airy, echoey vocals, propulsive bass, shuffling backbeat and the heavy organ dosage. The Charlatans drop their Hammond all over the place, adding a layer of 60’s swagger to the sexed-up rhythm section.

Mind the drop. It’s a killer. Down to just the bass. Then the drums. And finally…. the Hammond roars back to life dragging the track all over the dancefloor with the guitars in hot pursuit.

Yo La Tengo – Sudden Organ
The name says it all. All organ. All the time. Yo La Tengo fashions a shoegazer masterpiece out of little more than a Hammond organ and some spare drum work. If this doesn’t sell you on the power of a well-used organ, nothing will. And that includes porn.

All files filled to the brim with holiday spirit and inappropriate innuendo:
Heavy Rotation 29
(link opens in new window)

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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The Fancy Plans Guide to Illegal Drugs

December 23, 2009

In an effort to educate, divert stoner pageviews and retain our title of “Enabler of the Year,” we at Fancy Plans present our well-rounded guide to illegal drugs. Please note that the editors of this site encourage drug use, especially among teenagers, whose disposable income levels are fast approaching the baby boomers.

In the issue of balance, we would also like to point out that there are several reasons not to take drugs, but we can’t really think of any at the moment.

Another smuggling attempt gone horribly wrong.

Cocaine
aka: Blow, Coke, Snow, Yayo, Nose Candy, Baby Laxative, White Man’s Burden

First discovered in the 1980s by stockbrokers, cocaine has been the go-to drug for jet-setting youngsters and jet-setting oldsters, who wish to reclaim their youth with a combination of poorly cut product and occasional heart failure.

In its heyday, cocaine had a drawing power unrivalled by other substances, thus ensuring the men’s room was at least as crowded as the ladies’. Coke is also handy for generating “big” ideas, perfecting conspiracy theories and removing unwanted septum.

Pros: Energy; hooker “bait”
Cons: Nose bleeds; insta-death

How marijuana reproduces...

Marijuana
aka: Weed, Pot, Chronic, Mary Jane, Crepes Suzette, Medicine

[Note: Also known as the “gateway drug,” as possession of this substance, which has been tried by an estimated 102% of the American public, will earn you a quick trip to the “gates” of your nearest federal penitentiary to serve a sentence on par with lesser crimes like armed robbery and involuntary manslaughter.]

Easier to obtain than pseudoephedrine and only slightly less illegal, marijuana is much like Kevin Bacon: only a few people away. Grown in the wilds of Mexico and Canada and domesticated in a million basements and walk-in closets around the U.S., marijuana is one of America’s most popular drugs.

Perhaps the most social of social drugs, marijuana can create an instant party. Like cats around a can opener, all it takes is the sound of fire igniting cannabis to fill your house with acquaintances, well-wishers and “friends of friends” who are only too happy to smoke your weed, drink your beer and empty your pantry before vanishing the moment the bowl is cashed.

Recently an effort has been made to legalize marijuana due to its medical qualities, which acolytes believe can cure several ailments, from the legitimate (cancer, glaucoma) to the dubious (rickets, chlamydia, male pattern baldness, boredom).

Be aware that heavy users will often clockwatch until late afternoon, when an impromptu (and hazy) celebration will break out as the clock hits 4:20 (also known as “giggle o’clock”).

Pros: Relaxing; sociable; inspiring
Cons: Scooby Doo; whoever the hell that is passed out on the couch

"Well, it made a lot more sense when I was tripping..."

LSD
aka Acid, Trip, Tabs, 13th Floor Elevator, Fun

LSD is a psychedelic whose sole purpose is to “fuck shit up” perceptively speaking and provide lazy music critics with a go-to analogy. (“Band X sounds like band Y. On acid.”)

Based on what I’m informed is personal experience, LSD derails spatial awareness and thought processes to a point where it can take up to 1.5 man hours to collect cigarettes, lighters and ashtrays and take them to a hopefully non-flammable area. For this analogy to hold true, said band “on acid” would most likely resemble this:

or this:

Pros: Makes everything more fun; pitch the occasional no-hitter
Cons: Lots of stuff shouldn’t be that fun; flashbacks (regular and ‘Nam)

"Let us get you the help you need to abuse crystal meth properly. Today."

Crystal Methamphetamine
aka Crystal Meth, Meth, Dental Damn!, NOS for Rednecks

One of a small set of truly American drugs (crack, Oprah), crystal meth is harvested year-round from its natural habitat: trailer park bathtubs.

A fast-acting and smokable amphetamine, meth provides users with a potent combination of energy and insomnia which allows them to “power through” such diverse activities as cramming for a shop class final, sorting the change jar chronologically or making more crystal meth.

Pros: High amounts of energy; made from common deadly household products
Cons: Hockey Players’ Mouth; Camaro ownership

"Would you please keep your fucking heroin picked up? I think I broke my ankle."

Heroin
aka Smack, Horse, Dope, Junk, Kentucky Fried Chicken (regional dialect – Manchester), Cliff Richards

Originally developed as a dietary supplement, heroin has been used for over 40 years to develop lanky, Kate Moss-ian supermodels. As supermodels began dating rock stars, heroin’s influence spread. It reached its peak in Seattle during the late 90s when it was crossed with coffee beans to develop lanky, suicidal rock stars.

Though not generally known as a social drug due to its side effects of vomiting, unconsciousness and death, junkies (as they like to be called) are usually large-hearted (and weak-veined) individuals who are always willing to share their needles.

Pros: Hits like a motherfucker; methadone “gateway” drug
Cons: Randomly fatal; second only to Joe on Blue’s Clues as the leading cause of soul decay

For added uncomfortable fun, replace Grandma's Tums with these.

Ecstasy
aka E, X, Disco Biscuit, Dolled-Up Speed, The Unscrupulous Club Owner’s Best Friend

 Originally developed as an empathy drug for therapy, ecstasy soon headed for the underground after therapists discovered it turned their patients into ovulating cats, constantly rubbing themselves against textured furniture, each other and anything emitting a low-frequency pulse. There were also numerous complaints that it made the patients “really thirsty,” which the therapists responded to by selling water at 8$/bottle.

Having escaped its legitimate usage, ecstasy threw caution to the wind, left its inhibitions at the door and worked its way through several other metaphors on its way to clubland. Once there, it was ingested by clubgoers seeking to enhance their night, which often included such activities as applauding someone playing other people’s records and getting anonymously pregnant.

Pros: Cheap and readily available; makes you really horny
Cons: Inconsistent product; increased horniness tends to make the user “cheap and readily available”

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 28

December 20, 2009

Well, it’s that time of year. Only x number of days left until Xmas. (x=not enough)

As an alternative to my usual rambling introduction, I’d like to instead highlight my blog partner, RF Interference. While he may not be able to squeeze in a post edgewise, he did outdo pretty much everything I’ve done this year with this:

Thanks to RF, I am now the proud owner of an autographed copy of FIRE ICE: A Kurt Austin Adventure by none other than CLIVE FUCKING CUSSLER. How awesome is that.

Let me just give you a small excerpt of Mssr. Cussler’s prowess:

“Sandecker flashed a barracuda smile, but an icy coldness crept into his authoritative blue eyes as he prepared to rip Tingley to shreds.”

The man has never met an adjective he didn’t like.

Thanks for that, RF. Truly an awesome gift.

On to the music.

Previous versions here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Kraftwerk – Ohm Sweet Ohm
Last time Kraftwerk made an appearance in the Heavy Rotation, they were using banks of vintage electronics to crank out Black Sabbath-esque heavy metal. This time around they’re wringing raw emotion from their collections of wires and chips.

Much like Trans-Europe Express, Ohm Sweet Ohm works as a travelling analogue. The pace starts slow, as if moving tentatively but picks up the pace as it nears its destination. It calls to mind someone making a long journey back to someone they love, having been away far too long. The first moments are almost hopeless, as though the distance is too far and will never be reached, but as the trip continues and the destination nears, the pace and elation increase, anticipating the reunion.

Magnetic Fields – Yeah Oh Yeah
Well, I don’t mean to go so dark so fast, but don’t let Stephen Merritt’s perma-funk scare you away. As the mind behind the Magnetic Fields, Merritt has cranked out hundreds of darkly funny/tragic love songs. Well, love is often the key, but it’s usually unrequited or completely gone.

This ode to the creeping hate of a long-dead relationship comes soaked in reverb and features a duet/duel from the two protagonists. You know, just for a little added heartbreak. Has a bit of a Galaxie 500 feel to it, all airy vocals and lightly strummed (and lightly distorted).

I’ve enjoyed making you
miserable for years
found peace of mind in
playing on your fears
How I loved to catch your gold
and silver tears, but now my dear
What a dark and dreary life
Are you reaching for a knife?
Could you really kill your wife?
Yeah Oh, yeah
Of, I die, I die, I die!
So it’s over, you and I
Was my whole life just a lie?
Yeah Oh, yeah

Imperial Teen – Copafeelia
God help me, I loves me some Imperial Teen. All power-pop-punk with Ginsu-sharp lyrics and hummable melodies. From their debut album Seasick, Copafeelia is yet another acidic kiss-off to some fool who spends too much time “cutting out their paper friends.”

This will get stuck in your head and hold on for the drop to bass and drum about 3/4’s thru, which will makes you wonder why more bands don’t do that sort of thing all the time. (It worked wonders for the Charlatans UK’s biggest hit The Only One I Know…)

carbonated palm couture
drunken hands will kill your pimp
and make you whore du jour
you’re worth more dead than alive
I don’t want to die here
I don’t want to die

Marilyn Manson – This Is The New Shit (Goldfrapp Mix)
At first, this sounds like any other Manson track, all drums and distorted vocals. But listen closely. Alison Goldfrapp (the britchesless beauty from a couple of weeks ago) joins in, layering her breathy, sex-on-wheels voice over his, occasionally taking the lead. Her contribution adds a much-needed contrast to Mr. Manson’s overwrought shouting.

But what makes this essential? Wait for it. At about 3:20 in, be prepared to hold on to your fucking preconceived notions. Goldfrapp takes over and drags Manson’s dope rock back into a smoky 1930’s nightclub and begins channeling Marlene Dietrich. If you ain’t heard someone seductively croon “Are you motherfuckers ready?” then you just ain’t lived yet.

Meterhead – Let It Go
Speaking of time warps, here’s Meterhead with a dancefloor killer that drags Def Leppard’s pop-metal into the new millenium, taking everything good about them (chanty, slogan-esque vocals, compressed guitar) and chopping the hell out of it.

This much fun should be illegal (and due to stupid copyright laws, it probably is). If there was any justice in the world, this track would be required to soundtrack any movie club scenes for the next 3-5 years. I can totally see Blade chopping up vampires to this.

All mp3s in one easy-to-access NUMA file:
Heavy Rotation 28
(link opens in new window)

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet 18

December 19, 2009

When I think Sonnet 18, I think goatees and arm hair.

A new generation of children are now surfing the internet, often without a moral compass. Who will help steer these youngsters toward education and edification? The TMZ’s of the world? AO-fucking-L?

Never let it be said that Fancy Plans didn’t “think of the children,”  as we proudly present the legendary works of Shakespeare (current record-holder: Most Required Reading List Appearances) in their mostly original glory.

Oh, and FJ practically dared me to do it. So there’s that. Enjoy.

Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and slightly less humid:
Unless we speak of Arizona,
In which case, thou art a triple-digit dry heat:

Quoth the Bard, Bob Dylan,
The times they are a-changin’,
But not for Arizona,
Where time stands still twice a year:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer’s lease hath been violated:
Perhaps with noise complaints,
Perhaps with bathtub meth explosions:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And rends my skin from the bones with chemical burns:

And every fair from fair sometime declines,
Due to wandering tweakers and cinder-block’d Camaros:
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d,
Much like the lawn and hedges:
And thyself, truth be told,
I shall off to the Walgreens for an Epi-lady:

But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Like Macauly Culkin from the public mind;
Resurfacing in familial lawsuits and unbidden dreams,
Where was I?
Oh, yes…

Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
$200 cash; dealers don’t take checks,

Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
He’s off to check Pete Doherty’s pulse for the thousandth time,
And when he returns, he’ll need a nap,
And a beer:
And so shall I

Shall I seduce thee with a selection from my LiveJournal,
I’ve borrowed a bit from the past but altered it slightly;

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee

Beautiful, isn’t it?
I see your eyes are misty and your guard is down:
Shall we to the old man’s Ford?
Or mayhap behind the bushes?
Not so much the cellar,
Because locking door or not,
Your parents are light-sleepers;
And heavily armed:

Perhaps one more from my LiveJournal before we retire:

Face down, ass up
That’s the way we like to fuck
.”

-CLT

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This Month in Cosmo

December 18, 2009

Never trust sex advice from a magazine that puts the word "Va-jay-jay" on the cover.

3 Relationship Tests Guaranteed to Start a Fight! 

10 Romantic Gestures No Man Will Ever Make! 

Your Partner’s Sexual Past? How Much Should You Know? (Guaranteed to Start a Fight!)

5 Things We Like About Men and 100 Things We Hate 

96 Pages of Advertising (48%)! 

How to Cover Up the Hideous Flaws of Your Body 

Rebuilding the Glass Ceiling for Fun and Profit! 

Eating Right: 10 Easy Recipes Using Ingredients You’ll Never Have Just Laying Around the House

True Romance: A Beautiful Love Story Guaranteed to Highlight the Inadequacies of Your Man (and Start a Fight!) 

Fall Fashion Pullout: Featuring Clothes You Can’t Afford and Will Never Fit Into 

25 “Tried and True” Sex Secrets That Will Drive Your Man Wild! (See Pages 84-88 to Find Out Why We Used Quotation Marks!) 

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 4

December 15, 2009

Back once again with the Renegade Master, the full damager, power to the people. Bringing back the Bible, old skool. Verily, gaze upon my mad rhymes and prepare to start throwing limbs about carefreely.

Volume 4 in what is a planned 144-volume series deals with the story of Jonah, another one of God’s chosen people. And much like God’s chosen people, he places himself and many others in the line of fire.

Previous volumes are available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Much to the fish's dismay, Jonah exits through the entrance.

Jonah 1

1 Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying,

2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me. Go now, Jonah, for I tire greatly of their lippy bullshit.

3 But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. And, verily, this did not go unnoticed as the LORD, being the LORD and all, saw everything and said (under his breath): Ah, hell nah! You did NOT just do that.

4 But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken. And the LORD said (again, under his breath): How you like them ship-breaking apples, you slippery bitch? Poseidon got nothin’ on me!

5 Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god, and cast forth the wares that were in the ship into the sea, to lighten it of them. But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep, because he was suffering from depression, seasickness and narcolepsy.

He remembered waking up once and wondering why everyone was painting pentagrams on the deck and tossing bricks of Bolivian marching powder into the water. But he was all like, I’m clean, no record.

6 So the shipmaster came to him, and said unto him, What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not. He continued, we’ve tried all our gods but it must be like a bank holiday or something. We keep getting voicemail and automated “Out of the Office” email.

7 And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us cast lots, that we may know for whose cause this evil is upon us. So they cast lots, and the lot fell upon Jonah, mainly because Jonah was the “mark,” and as such, unfamiliar with most of the house rules for casting lots (like collecting the pot for landing on “Free Parking”).

As Jonah's shipmates prepare to off him mob-style, a bunch of unrelated characters wander around doing unrelated things.

8 Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this evil is upon us; What is thine occupation? and whence comest thou? what is thy country? and of what people art thou? And he said, cleverly referencing a true classic, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.

9 And he said unto them, I am an Hebrew; and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, which hath made the sea and the dry land. Oh, and some animals and humans. And a metric shit-ton of rules and regulations. Oh, and he destroyed the earth with a flood a while ago, but I doubt all this rain and such can really be considered another “world-killer.”

10 Then were the men exceedingly afraid, and said unto him. Why hast thou done this? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of the LORD, because he had told them. Unfortunately, there is not much in the sailing field that draws the best and brightest, and so we have situations like this where the men “figure something out” by having someone else tell them the answer. Hence the nickname: The Frat Boys of the Sea.

11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous. And Jonah unwisely said, what do you mean “we,” paleface?

12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you. And they were all over it, barely letting him get past the mid-sentence semi-colon. I mean, the man himself asked for it. But, being rather thick and possibly scurvaceous, they tried Plans B and C first.

Jonah does his best impression of Scott Stapp.

13 Nevertheless the men rowed hard to bring it to the land; but they could not: for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous against them. The LORD was having none of it, ceaselessly making it rain on these midshipmen.

14 Wherefore they cried unto the LORD, and said, We beseech thee, O LORD, we beseech thee, let us not perish for this man’s life, and lay not upon us innocent blood: for thou, O LORD, hast done as it pleased thee. And the LORD, seeing how quickly they deserted their own gods, taunted them viciously, shouting, Where’s your Moses now? which resulted in many continuity errors.

15 So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging. Back to Plan A: bros before stowaways who routinely incite the wrath of God.

16 Then the men feared the LORD exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the LORD, and made vows, most of which they had broken by mid-February and later sold all the “barely-used” exercise equipment on Craigslist.

17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. And the LORD was pleased to the point of smugness and went off to a bash at the Valhalla Gentlemans’ Club to brag about his incredible “pimp hand.”

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to Winter Driving

December 14, 2009

Nothing makes hazardous winter driving easier than snapping away with your camera.

Winter is here. The temperature has dropped and the roads are deadlier than ever (and I’m including Maximum Overdrive). Here’s a quick guide on the do’s and don’ts of winter driving. Remember, being prepared might mean the difference between life and a short period of inconvenience.

So, how can you tell whether roads are safe to travel? Well, there are many resources including local news, Department of Transportation web sites and the traffic chopper. However, these reports may be as accurate as advertised as weather conditions can change rapidly during the course of a winter storm (and only in one direction: from bad to worse).

Use this simple test to determine whether roads can be safely travelled:

Do you have to work today?

  • Yes (see A.)
  • No (see B.)

A. NO. Roads cannot be safely travelled. [Skip to the end of this post.]

B. YES. Roads are safe to travel. [Continue reading.]
(Note: the quickest way to make a road safely navigable is to call in to work. Once you are unable to make it in to work [A] you will automatically fall into category B.)

Here are some key areas to focus on:

Low visibility often results in exciting rounds of "Car Tetris."

Low Visibility
Heavy snow and high winds will often bring visibility to under 100 feet. Here’s what you can do to combat “whiteout.”

1. Be proactive. Make sure others can see you. Turn every vehicle light on. Headlights, fog lights, high beams, hazard lights, etc. If you think it might help, go ahead and fire up the hazards and dome light. The better lit you are, the better your chances of not being hit by Speedy Joe Jackass.

Those of you with aftermarket products may also consider turning on every neon light/LED attached to your Hyundai. [see below]

Of course, the trailer itself remains dangerously underlit...

2. That takes care of people seeing you. But what about you seeing them? We can never safely assume that the other drivers will light themselves responsibly, much less give two shits about anyone but themselves.

So, to get back on point, what can you do to improve your odds of seeing other vehicles? You’ve already got all YOUR lights on so you’re probably seeing the road as well as you ever will. Maybe you could squint a little or try “visualizing” the road ahead. (It works for world peace. Or so said that bumper sticker attached to that bumper you just collided with.)

These, of course, are for your nipples.

Emergency Road Kit
Should you happen to end up in the ditch, freezing river or 12-foot tall snowbank, you’ll want to be prepared in case you have to wait several hours for rescue vehicles. (Well, maybe not the river. We’re talking hypothermia in a matter of minutes once you get wet. In this case, make sure your will is updated and you’re Satisfied-Very Satisfied with your progress in life so far.)

An Emergency Road Kit should contain the following:

  • Flashlight
  • Flares
  • Matches
  • Blanket
  • Extra clothes
  • Food
  • Water
  • Booze*

*optional

(Notes on booze: While it may seem immediately beneficial to have some available alcohol to combat cold and boredom, there are several drawbacks:

1. Alcohol does not actually keep you warm. It only makes you feel warmer. However, with a good buzz, “feeling” warm may be enough. Try to refrain from removing your clothes or wasting precious battery life calling up your exes.

2. When the highway patrol finally rescues you, it is probably better if you don’t reek of booze. Sure, you’ll get a free ride to somewhere warm, but your personal belongings will be scattered to inconvenient locations several miles away from each other. (For example: you – jail, your house – right where you left it, your car – impound lot.)

3. The effect of alcohol on your decision-making skills may result in very ineffective actions, like sticking the flares in the exhaust pipe to see if you can “blast” your way out of the snow, shoving the blanket into the gas tank and lighting it for some “continuous” warmth or exposing yourself to the cold/other drivers. (Not to mention all the drunk-dialling you’ll be doing.)

No matter what the weather is, Jack Nicholson is always on the lookout for speeders.

Drive Slowly
Generally speaking, winter driving means road conditions will vary from “unfavorable” to “wrath of God.” As you travel across snow-packed and icy roads, you will notice there is a fundamental disconnect between where you think you’re steering and where your vehicle is actually heading. This often leads to accident reports containing ridiculous phrases such as “The car seemed to have a mind of its own. Like Herbie. Or Christine.”

This particular strain of black ice will also torch your vehicle, much like a drunken hockey fan.

Black Ice
A common winter death trap is the fiendish act of God known as “black ice.” Black ice is a hardy winter predator which mimics a clean, dry road surface and will attack passing vehicles, sending them into the nearest ditch, guard rail or oncoming vehicles.

Due to its invisibility, warning you to “look out for black ice” is much like asking you to plan your next accidental pregnancy. You won’t realized you’re fucked until after you’ve “hit” it.

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 27 – Bootlegger’s Delight

December 13, 2009

As promised/threatened, a Heavy Rotation full of mashups and bootlegs. It’s a magical place where 1+1 = whatever you want it to be. Get ready to sing along as frontin’ mcs find themselves draped all over beats and melodies they wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot Roland 808.

Previous, less tangled volumes available here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Diamonds – Margherita Hustle
First up, we have two selections from Diamonds, an omnipresent fixture of the Chicago/Milwaukee electro scene. The first selection drops Rick Ross over a lighthearted and bubbly late period Herb Alpert sort of track. I have no idea who provides the backing music and can’t seem to find more info anywhere. If anyone knows what it is, I’d be somewhat eternally grateful (based on trends toward immortality).

Diamonds – Miami Vice Unit
The second selection finds 50 Cent’s G-Unit riding shotgun with Jan Hammer in a speeding cigarette boat. Not as infectious as the previous track, but still a hell of a lot of fun.

DJ Paul V – Tequila Lip Gloss (Lil Mama vs. the Champs)
Does what it says on the tin. Lil Mama’s ode to beauty products gets busy with some incredibly drunk faux-Mexicans. And everyone always says nothing good comes from pounding tequila all night long (Tia Tequila notwithstanding).

Fat Joe & Lil Wayne vs. Hot Butter – Make It Rain Popcorn (DJ Johnatron Edit)
Hey kids! Selling drugs provides the sellers with mad cash! Mad cash they will soon be throwing wildly around in the club! I mean, in da club!

Get down to the novelty disco sounds of Hot Butter and throw down with the baddest pushers this side of legality.

Lil Jon vs. Zombie Nation – Act A Fool (Flosstradamus “Ravestradamus” Mix)
Flosstradamus does us all an inadvertent favor, dragging Lil Jon crack-addled hollering into the nearest rave. Tales of drunken shenanigans mesh pleasurably with Zombie Nation’s inescapable hit, which should soon have you rapping like you’ve never rapped before and chanting rhythmically like you haven’t since Blur released Song #2.

All files made to “play nice” and zipped for easy transmission:
Heavy Rotation 27
(link opens in new window)

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]