Archive for December, 2009

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Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 1

December 31, 2009

"Cliche #46: Sunrise/Sunset." Available at Inspirational Stock Photography.

Sometimes events happen in your life and you know right away that they were meant to happen… to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help figure out who you are, or who you want to become. Other times they seem to happen to shape people’s perception of you, long after the critical first impression.

You never know when these will happen or what shape they’ll take, but when you they occur, you know that very moment that they will affect the rest of your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen that at the time seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart. It’s only with the power of open-mindedness and hindsight that you will be able to look back at these events as horrible, painful and unfair. And if therapy is involved, prohibitively expensive.

Like when the clerk at the adult bookstore informs you that they have run out of black bags and only have two different types remaining: clear and promotional bags featuring the phrase “A Fistful of Dolly.” And you begin to question whether this was the best use of your lunch break and ponder the quickest route back to your vehicle, which is parked between a storefront daycare and the local NOW office.

Yes. Difficulties lie ahead but everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or bad luck. Sometimes your day just won’t cooperate. Perhaps it’s time to simplify. Consider cutting down on your carbon footprint by bringing in your own reusable (and nondescript) porn bag. Try marking it with something like “Adidas” or “Not Porn.”

So as you begin your nonchalant speedwalking, you hear your name being called. You turn around to see a recent ex-girlfriend who is apparently out shopping with your mom. You find them drawing closer and attempt to jam four DVDs and a half-dozen magazines into the pockets of your sports coat.

You can’t think of what to say. It’s all stuff no one would believe, like “It’s for a bachelor party,” or “I lost a bet,” or “It’s time for ‘the talk’ with my oldest son.” None of that will draw attention away from your colorful porn and the fisting reference. For that matter, you don’t even have kids.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. Can you feel the blood rising and your heart beating faster? That’s life right there, deflowering your dignity.

So after embarrassing yourself and everyone else, you head back to your car and drive to work, forgetting that you left your porn on the roof while you got into the vehicle. It’s gone now, but it will live on, causing many angry letters to be written to many editors by many perturbed parents and outraged NOW members.

The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones, not to mention the most scarring and psychologically debilitating. You can expect some awkward phone calls from your mom and a mental (and mutual) restraining order from your ex-girlfriend.

Life. Too often we take these formative experiences for granted and try to “power through” them to get on with what’s left of our lives. It’s time to sit back and take stock of these experiences to better prepare ourselves for an often unpleasant future.

Thanks for reading.

Next on Life’s Little Lessons:
Your wife returns home from the local Christian women’s retreat pregnant. And a lesbian.

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 5

December 29, 2009

The Bible is full of parables and stories that teach us valuable lessons through the suffering of others. Perhaps no story teaches us more than the story of Job. It teaches us that God toys with his creation and falls victim to a manipulative and bitchy Satan too easily.

Meet Job: an all-around good guy who gets his ass (and asses) handed to him during a supernatural game of Truth-or-Dare.

Previous blasphelarious (thanks, shearviscosity!) translations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Job's friends interrupt his "8-Minute Abs" session with suggestions that he up his reps; curse God; die.

1 There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. The neighbors hated him. With a passion. Especially since he kept them up late at night, eschewing evil, often with his mouth open.

2 And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Like in that movie, Three Brides for Seven Brothers, which was a big hit in West Virginia and smaller cults worldwide.

3 His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. So not only was he perfect and upright, but he had a metric shitload of stuff, including some of the best ass around. God. I’m sick of him already.

4 And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Because they all had their own houses, what with their filthy rich dad and there was always enough mutton and camel and ass to go around.

5 And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually, hedging his bets to stave off any unwarranted judgement from God. (FORESHADOWING) This generally took him the better part of the week, which meant that he was at least three days behind by Tuesday and by Friday it was last winter.

6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Right up there on the list of reasons why God cast out Satan: constant gatecrashing. He also mentioned something about his “bogarting” of joints and never having any “stash” of his own. Plus he once peed in the linen closet.

In this tangentially-related etching, Job and unknown others discuss the pros and cons of cursing God; dying.

7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. I’m just passing through, dawg. No need to get all uptight.

8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Hast thou also considered his fine sons and daughters, who have GPAs in the upper 4’s and multiple extracurricular activities? Hast thou also not seen his annual food drive and UNICEF cans? And his organ donor card?

9 Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast thou not laid thine “pimp hand” down like thou did to thy servant Jonah a few chapters from now?

10 Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Why shouldst he bitch, when thou hooketh him up constantly?

11 But put forth thine pimp hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Seriously. I bet I can get the F-bomb out of him.

12 And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Because I am a vengeful and wrathful God. And I’m a sucker for playing the spread and looking like a big man in front of the demons. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD and mentally counted his winnings. (Which were not monetary, thus making the whole “playing the spread” thing irrelevant.)

13 And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. This would be a day that ended in “y.”

14 And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them. Because they’re lazy asses. The oxen are starting to complain that someone should “write those asses up.” Anyway… that’s not the important part...

15 And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. So… don’t worry about the write-ups. The problem seems to have solved itself. Although we will need to hire some new servants…

Subtitled "Job, Shut the Fuck Up or Get the Fuck Out!"

16 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I mean, I think it was Godfire. I was enjoying a post-sheep banging cigarette and I think I dozed off. Next thing I know, it’s like a Fiery Furnace (self-referential!) out there, only with an awful “burning mattress” smell.

17 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Worst Lollapalooza ever. Three bands. Slain servants. The headliner was Bush. ClearChannel isn’t issuing refunds and I left my Camels in my other ironic t-shirt.

18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. You know, ’cause it’s a day that ends with “y”? And they’re known lushes?

19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I told them to make it out of brick, but no one listens to old Gerald. Not until he’s the last guy standing.

20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, (One Mantle: available month-to-month. 350 shekel deposit. No dogs.)

21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. To be honest, I liked the LORD better when he was giving, but what can you do? He also liketh the taking. Perhaps too much.

22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. (God, feeling obligated by his massive screwing of Job, agreed to pick up the lease on the mantle and signed a 12-month agreement. Job appreciated this gesture and threw in a new flatscreen TV during God’s six-month extension.)

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation 29: Both Hands on My Organ

December 27, 2009

Nothing says the holidays are upon us like a lazy penis joke. And nothing says mid-holiday wear-and-tear like a four-sentence intro. Once again, it’s a themed Heavy Rotation. Enjoy in good health.

Previous versions here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Electrelane – I Love You My Farfisa
All girls (well, not all girls during various permutations). All the time (not true, either, as they are on indefinitely hiatus since late 2007). To sum up: mostly girls until 2007, which gives them about a decade of rocking the intersection of Stereolab and the VU, which means fuck-all considering everyone channels Stereolab and VU.

But here’s what’s the what: the almighty power of the Farfisa organ, being pimped by four ladies straight outta Brighton. It rolls and surges and screams, building a self-fulfilling head of steam (and a bit of self-promotion too, judging by the song title). The pace picks up and the girls holler at you to “turn your transistor on.”

This track must have ripped faces off in concert, considering Electrelane’s live reputation.

Clinic – Harvest (Within You)
Clinic. Shall I compare thee to… who? They don’t really sound like anyone else out there. They’ve got a little of that late 60’s garage/psychedelia going on, like the soundtrack to a “freakout” scene in a cheapie Corman flick. You know, the kind of track that fits but doesn’t sound expensive.

And yet, they’re incredibly good. Ade Blackburn’s for mumbling syllables doesn’t help the comparisons. He could be like a less-nasal Dylan as he gets about as elliptical but there’s no sense of underlying conscience or poetry. He just seems to be trying to convey emotions and scenery with tones alone. His band backs him up, clothed in scrubs and surgical masks, laying down some imaginative percussion and, of course, some killer organ highlights to turn Clinic into the indefinably great.

 

Breakbot – Happy Rabbit
Another day, another laptop producer. Following the “all hands on deck” approach to genres, Paris native Breakbot splices castoff pieces from breaks, surf, electro and sunshiney-pop into a warm and inviting little chunk of ear candy. The organ colors the bubbling electronics and slides across the rubbery funk basslines.

Charlatans UK – The Only One I Know
Of all the tracks in this Rotation, The Only One I Know is probably the one everybody knows. The Norm of early-90s alternative rock, The Only One I Know features the Charlatans “me too” entry into the “baggy” sweepstakes.

And what an entry. All airy, echoey vocals, propulsive bass, shuffling backbeat and the heavy organ dosage. The Charlatans drop their Hammond all over the place, adding a layer of 60’s swagger to the sexed-up rhythm section.

Mind the drop. It’s a killer. Down to just the bass. Then the drums. And finally…. the Hammond roars back to life dragging the track all over the dancefloor with the guitars in hot pursuit.

Yo La Tengo – Sudden Organ
The name says it all. All organ. All the time. Yo La Tengo fashions a shoegazer masterpiece out of little more than a Hammond organ and some spare drum work. If this doesn’t sell you on the power of a well-used organ, nothing will. And that includes porn.

All files filled to the brim with holiday spirit and inappropriate innuendo:
Heavy Rotation 29
(link opens in new window)

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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The Fancy Plans Guide to Illegal Drugs

December 23, 2009

In an effort to educate, divert stoner pageviews and retain our title of “Enabler of the Year,” we at Fancy Plans present our well-rounded guide to illegal drugs. Please note that the editors of this site encourage drug use, especially among teenagers, whose disposable income levels are fast approaching the baby boomers.

In the issue of balance, we would also like to point out that there are several reasons not to take drugs, but we can’t really think of any at the moment.

Another smuggling attempt gone horribly wrong.

Cocaine
aka: Blow, Coke, Snow, Yayo, Nose Candy, Baby Laxative, White Man’s Burden

First discovered in the 1980s by stockbrokers, cocaine has been the go-to drug for jet-setting youngsters and jet-setting oldsters, who wish to reclaim their youth with a combination of poorly cut product and occasional heart failure.

In its heyday, cocaine had a drawing power unrivalled by other substances, thus ensuring the men’s room was at least as crowded as the ladies’. Coke is also handy for generating “big” ideas, perfecting conspiracy theories and removing unwanted septum.

Pros: Energy; hooker “bait”
Cons: Nose bleeds; insta-death

How marijuana reproduces...

Marijuana
aka: Weed, Pot, Chronic, Mary Jane, Crepes Suzette, Medicine

[Note: Also known as the “gateway drug,” as possession of this substance, which has been tried by an estimated 102% of the American public, will earn you a quick trip to the “gates” of your nearest federal penitentiary to serve a sentence on par with lesser crimes like armed robbery and involuntary manslaughter.]

Easier to obtain than pseudoephedrine and only slightly less illegal, marijuana is much like Kevin Bacon: only a few people away. Grown in the wilds of Mexico and Canada and domesticated in a million basements and walk-in closets around the U.S., marijuana is one of America’s most popular drugs.

Perhaps the most social of social drugs, marijuana can create an instant party. Like cats around a can opener, all it takes is the sound of fire igniting cannabis to fill your house with acquaintances, well-wishers and “friends of friends” who are only too happy to smoke your weed, drink your beer and empty your pantry before vanishing the moment the bowl is cashed.

Recently an effort has been made to legalize marijuana due to its medical qualities, which acolytes believe can cure several ailments, from the legitimate (cancer, glaucoma) to the dubious (rickets, chlamydia, male pattern baldness, boredom).

Be aware that heavy users will often clockwatch until late afternoon, when an impromptu (and hazy) celebration will break out as the clock hits 4:20 (also known as “giggle o’clock”).

Pros: Relaxing; sociable; inspiring
Cons: Scooby Doo; whoever the hell that is passed out on the couch

"Well, it made a lot more sense when I was tripping..."

LSD
aka Acid, Trip, Tabs, 13th Floor Elevator, Fun

LSD is a psychedelic whose sole purpose is to “fuck shit up” perceptively speaking and provide lazy music critics with a go-to analogy. (“Band X sounds like band Y. On acid.”)

Based on what I’m informed is personal experience, LSD derails spatial awareness and thought processes to a point where it can take up to 1.5 man hours to collect cigarettes, lighters and ashtrays and take them to a hopefully non-flammable area. For this analogy to hold true, said band “on acid” would most likely resemble this:

or this:

Pros: Makes everything more fun; pitch the occasional no-hitter
Cons: Lots of stuff shouldn’t be that fun; flashbacks (regular and ‘Nam)

"Let us get you the help you need to abuse crystal meth properly. Today."

Crystal Methamphetamine
aka Crystal Meth, Meth, Dental Damn!, NOS for Rednecks

One of a small set of truly American drugs (crack, Oprah), crystal meth is harvested year-round from its natural habitat: trailer park bathtubs.

A fast-acting and smokable amphetamine, meth provides users with a potent combination of energy and insomnia which allows them to “power through” such diverse activities as cramming for a shop class final, sorting the change jar chronologically or making more crystal meth.

Pros: High amounts of energy; made from common deadly household products
Cons: Hockey Players’ Mouth; Camaro ownership

"Would you please keep your fucking heroin picked up? I think I broke my ankle."

Heroin
aka Smack, Horse, Dope, Junk, Kentucky Fried Chicken (regional dialect – Manchester), Cliff Richards

Originally developed as a dietary supplement, heroin has been used for over 40 years to develop lanky, Kate Moss-ian supermodels. As supermodels began dating rock stars, heroin’s influence spread. It reached its peak in Seattle during the late 90s when it was crossed with coffee beans to develop lanky, suicidal rock stars.

Though not generally known as a social drug due to its side effects of vomiting, unconsciousness and death, junkies (as they like to be called) are usually large-hearted (and weak-veined) individuals who are always willing to share their needles.

Pros: Hits like a motherfucker; methadone “gateway” drug
Cons: Randomly fatal; second only to Joe on Blue’s Clues as the leading cause of soul decay

For added uncomfortable fun, replace Grandma's Tums with these.

Ecstasy
aka E, X, Disco Biscuit, Dolled-Up Speed, The Unscrupulous Club Owner’s Best Friend

 Originally developed as an empathy drug for therapy, ecstasy soon headed for the underground after therapists discovered it turned their patients into ovulating cats, constantly rubbing themselves against textured furniture, each other and anything emitting a low-frequency pulse. There were also numerous complaints that it made the patients “really thirsty,” which the therapists responded to by selling water at 8$/bottle.

Having escaped its legitimate usage, ecstasy threw caution to the wind, left its inhibitions at the door and worked its way through several other metaphors on its way to clubland. Once there, it was ingested by clubgoers seeking to enhance their night, which often included such activities as applauding someone playing other people’s records and getting anonymously pregnant.

Pros: Cheap and readily available; makes you really horny
Cons: Inconsistent product; increased horniness tends to make the user “cheap and readily available”

-CLT

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 28

December 20, 2009

Well, it’s that time of year. Only x number of days left until Xmas. (x=not enough)

As an alternative to my usual rambling introduction, I’d like to instead highlight my blog partner, RF Interference. While he may not be able to squeeze in a post edgewise, he did outdo pretty much everything I’ve done this year with this:

Thanks to RF, I am now the proud owner of an autographed copy of FIRE ICE: A Kurt Austin Adventure by none other than CLIVE FUCKING CUSSLER. How awesome is that.

Let me just give you a small excerpt of Mssr. Cussler’s prowess:

“Sandecker flashed a barracuda smile, but an icy coldness crept into his authoritative blue eyes as he prepared to rip Tingley to shreds.”

The man has never met an adjective he didn’t like.

Thanks for that, RF. Truly an awesome gift.

On to the music.

Previous versions here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Kraftwerk – Ohm Sweet Ohm
Last time Kraftwerk made an appearance in the Heavy Rotation, they were using banks of vintage electronics to crank out Black Sabbath-esque heavy metal. This time around they’re wringing raw emotion from their collections of wires and chips.

Much like Trans-Europe Express, Ohm Sweet Ohm works as a travelling analogue. The pace starts slow, as if moving tentatively but picks up the pace as it nears its destination. It calls to mind someone making a long journey back to someone they love, having been away far too long. The first moments are almost hopeless, as though the distance is too far and will never be reached, but as the trip continues and the destination nears, the pace and elation increase, anticipating the reunion.

Magnetic Fields – Yeah Oh Yeah
Well, I don’t mean to go so dark so fast, but don’t let Stephen Merritt’s perma-funk scare you away. As the mind behind the Magnetic Fields, Merritt has cranked out hundreds of darkly funny/tragic love songs. Well, love is often the key, but it’s usually unrequited or completely gone.

This ode to the creeping hate of a long-dead relationship comes soaked in reverb and features a duet/duel from the two protagonists. You know, just for a little added heartbreak. Has a bit of a Galaxie 500 feel to it, all airy vocals and lightly strummed (and lightly distorted).

I’ve enjoyed making you
miserable for years
found peace of mind in
playing on your fears
How I loved to catch your gold
and silver tears, but now my dear
What a dark and dreary life
Are you reaching for a knife?
Could you really kill your wife?
Yeah Oh, yeah
Of, I die, I die, I die!
So it’s over, you and I
Was my whole life just a lie?
Yeah Oh, yeah

Imperial Teen – Copafeelia
God help me, I loves me some Imperial Teen. All power-pop-punk with Ginsu-sharp lyrics and hummable melodies. From their debut album Seasick, Copafeelia is yet another acidic kiss-off to some fool who spends too much time “cutting out their paper friends.”

This will get stuck in your head and hold on for the drop to bass and drum about 3/4’s thru, which will makes you wonder why more bands don’t do that sort of thing all the time. (It worked wonders for the Charlatans UK’s biggest hit The Only One I Know…)

carbonated palm couture
drunken hands will kill your pimp
and make you whore du jour
you’re worth more dead than alive
I don’t want to die here
I don’t want to die

Marilyn Manson – This Is The New Shit (Goldfrapp Mix)
At first, this sounds like any other Manson track, all drums and distorted vocals. But listen closely. Alison Goldfrapp (the britchesless beauty from a couple of weeks ago) joins in, layering her breathy, sex-on-wheels voice over his, occasionally taking the lead. Her contribution adds a much-needed contrast to Mr. Manson’s overwrought shouting.

But what makes this essential? Wait for it. At about 3:20 in, be prepared to hold on to your fucking preconceived notions. Goldfrapp takes over and drags Manson’s dope rock back into a smoky 1930’s nightclub and begins channeling Marlene Dietrich. If you ain’t heard someone seductively croon “Are you motherfuckers ready?” then you just ain’t lived yet.

Meterhead – Let It Go
Speaking of time warps, here’s Meterhead with a dancefloor killer that drags Def Leppard’s pop-metal into the new millenium, taking everything good about them (chanty, slogan-esque vocals, compressed guitar) and chopping the hell out of it.

This much fun should be illegal (and due to stupid copyright laws, it probably is). If there was any justice in the world, this track would be required to soundtrack any movie club scenes for the next 3-5 years. I can totally see Blade chopping up vampires to this.

All mp3s in one easy-to-access NUMA file:
Heavy Rotation 28
(link opens in new window)

-CLT

[All music posted on Fancy Plans… is kick ass and too awesome to be contained. All music is also posted temporarily and, due to its high level of ass-kicking, should not be distributed without a prescription and care should be taken while operating heavy equipment or dancing around the living room (clothing optional, but do remember that the blinds are open/kids are still awake).
Should you wish to have your brilliant artistic statement forced back into confinement, please email me at 2timegrime@gmail.com. Feel free to leave a comment, as that will probably be noticed sooner.
By all means, if you like what you hear (and you will), please support the totally rocking artist(s) by purchasing some music or heading out to see them live.]
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The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet 18

December 19, 2009

When I think Sonnet 18, I think goatees and arm hair.

A new generation of children are now surfing the internet, often without a moral compass. Who will help steer these youngsters toward education and edification? The TMZ’s of the world? AO-fucking-L?

Never let it be said that Fancy Plans didn’t “think of the children,”  as we proudly present the legendary works of Shakespeare (current record-holder: Most Required Reading List Appearances) in their mostly original glory.

Oh, and FJ practically dared me to do it. So there’s that. Enjoy.

Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and slightly less humid:
Unless we speak of Arizona,
In which case, thou art a triple-digit dry heat:

Quoth the Bard, Bob Dylan,
The times they are a-changin’,
But not for Arizona,
Where time stands still twice a year:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer’s lease hath been violated:
Perhaps with noise complaints,
Perhaps with bathtub meth explosions:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And rends my skin from the bones with chemical burns:

And every fair from fair sometime declines,
Due to wandering tweakers and cinder-block’d Camaros:
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d,
Much like the lawn and hedges:
And thyself, truth be told,
I shall off to the Walgreens for an Epi-lady:

But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Like Macauly Culkin from the public mind;
Resurfacing in familial lawsuits and unbidden dreams,
Where was I?
Oh, yes…

Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
$200 cash; dealers don’t take checks,

Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
He’s off to check Pete Doherty’s pulse for the thousandth time,
And when he returns, he’ll need a nap,
And a beer:
And so shall I

Shall I seduce thee with a selection from my LiveJournal,
I’ve borrowed a bit from the past but altered it slightly;

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee

Beautiful, isn’t it?
I see your eyes are misty and your guard is down:
Shall we to the old man’s Ford?
Or mayhap behind the bushes?
Not so much the cellar,
Because locking door or not,
Your parents are light-sleepers;
And heavily armed:

Perhaps one more from my LiveJournal before we retire:

Face down, ass up
That’s the way we like to fuck
.”

-CLT

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This Month in Cosmo

December 18, 2009

Never trust sex advice from a magazine that puts the word "Va-jay-jay" on the cover.

3 Relationship Tests Guaranteed to Start a Fight! 

10 Romantic Gestures No Man Will Ever Make! 

Your Partner’s Sexual Past? How Much Should You Know? (Guaranteed to Start a Fight!)

5 Things We Like About Men and 100 Things We Hate 

96 Pages of Advertising (48%)! 

How to Cover Up the Hideous Flaws of Your Body 

Rebuilding the Glass Ceiling for Fun and Profit! 

Eating Right: 10 Easy Recipes Using Ingredients You’ll Never Have Just Laying Around the House

True Romance: A Beautiful Love Story Guaranteed to Highlight the Inadequacies of Your Man (and Start a Fight!) 

Fall Fashion Pullout: Featuring Clothes You Can’t Afford and Will Never Fit Into 

25 “Tried and True” Sex Secrets That Will Drive Your Man Wild! (See Pages 84-88 to Find Out Why We Used Quotation Marks!) 

-CLT