Posts Tagged ‘Health Care’

h1

The Fancy Plans Emergency Room Survey

November 12, 2009
emergency-room

"Please plan your emergency accordingly."

Across the U.S., the Emergency Room has become the go-to service for anything from “lightheadedness” to compound fractures. As many, many people continue to use this as an Urgent Care center whose bills you can ignore, the list of ailments and injuries associated with E.R. visits has grown exponentially, from the expected (sucking chest wound) to the ridiculous (really painful hangnail).

This list is culled from the logs of emergency rooms across the nation, in an attempt to educate the public as to why their medical insurance no longer covers a trip to the E.R.

  • Kneecapping
  • Rectal insertion (animate)
  • Rectal insertion (inanimate)
  • Aqua Net poisoning
  • Explosive hypochondria
  • Sticker shock
  • Tricky dick
  • Grandmother’s taser wounds
  • Tasered by grandmother
  • “Accidental ingestion of pepper spray. In the eyes.”
  • “Trick knee acting up.”
  • Hooker’s gash
  • “Old rap battle wound acting up.”
  • Boredom
  • Complications from informal eating contest
  • Stubbed toe
  • Dislocation of self
  • “Overdosed on… um… life!”
  • Scurvy
  • Complications from botched bank robbery
  • Masturbator’s wrist
  • Axe Body Spray-related mauling
  • Soccer game (attendee)
  • Intestinal knocking
  • “Grill” repair
  • somnambulism
  • Vapor lock
  • Jodie Foster-related shooting
  • Scheduled internal organ balance and rotation
  • Broken heart (“Awwww… Clear!!!”)
  • Carradined
  • “Fell down a sack of doorknobs.”
  • Forgot safety word
  • “Fucked with bull. Got horns.”
  • “Recessive gene acting up.”
  • Insurance fraud
  • Teenager’s lament
  • Lonely
  • ‘Rhoid rage
  • Blog material
  • “Felt the need to be ignored/misdiagnosed.”
  • Blown mind
  • Irritable asshole syndrome
  • “Wasn’t actually ready for some football.”
  • Complete cyborg rebuild.
  • “Drew short straw.”
  • First-period period.
  • “Always thought rock beat scissors until I was stabbed with scissors.”
  • “Rock does beat scissors, especially when you get beaten with a rock. You should see the other guy! Oh. You are seeing the other guy.”
  • Combination of stab wounds, abrasions and paper cuts

-CLT

Advertisements
h1

The Audacity of the Same Old Shit

October 8, 2009
Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

As many of you may have noticed, I am way less than thrilled with the current President. It’s not so much the man in the office. He’s just another career politician. It’s what he could have been and how quickly he sold out. Here’s a rather lengthy rundown on why I’m sick of Obama.

Let’s start out at the beginning. Obama is chosen as the candidate for the Democratic party after an extended bitchfest with Hillary Clinton. Clinton makes some odd moves like making up stories about being shot at while out with her husband (the current President) in a hostile nation. What bearing this has on the race is moot, as she is not in the running anymore.

As this event occurs, an amazing groundswell movement takes up the torch for Obama, consisting mainly of uninformed citizens whose voting records would be considered spotty at best and “I last voted when MTV was rocking the vote” at worst.

Everybody wants to get on the bandwagon. Time Magazine spends the entire race publishing one public display of affection after another. Everyone on the internet talks about how “energized” and “hopeful” they are. Even the largely apolitical music blogs I visit start posting adoring articles and spicing up their usual clubland pics with the occasional Obama poster.

So at this point, I’m on guard already. If nothing else, life has taught me that large groups of people who agree on something are generally wrong. (Case in point, Nickelback has sold 30 million albums.)

But let’s look at his opposition. Obama already has most of the country eating out of his hand and McCain is busy running his campaign with all the grace of a 300-lb. club-footed ballerina.

McCain’s campaign was rife with stupid moves like running off on the high road mid-race to get a handle on the shitty economy (“We have no time to campaign! We need to serve the people!“) only to reappear roughly minutes later on the campaign trail (“Fuck the people! I’ve got a race to win! Vote for me in November, people!“).

At the Republican National Convention, McCain decides to outplay the race card by grabbing himself the nearest woman to serve as VP. (“I see your black guy and raise you one woman.”)

By this time the election should have been called on account of candidate ineptitude. McCain clearly wasn’t going to win. And he certainly didn’t deserve to. Throwing him into office would have been like tossing your car keys to Vince Neil.

Obama coasted to victory and claimed the throne. Originally it was just the presidency but the entire world seemed to approve of it so his title was upgraded.

[Full disclosure: I did not vote for Obama. I did not vote for McCain. I sat this one out because write-in candidates (Batman) generally receive less than 4% of the popular vote (Alan Keyes).]

So now we only had a few short months until a young, vigorous black smoker took the helm. I thought, “Well, this is different. Let’s see how this plays out. Maybe he will shake things up with his vitality, charm and second-hand smoke.” If nothing else, it wouldn’t be four more years of being fucked while wrapped in the American flag.

And then he lost me.

Even though he wasn’t officially in office, he made it a point to nudge Bush in the ribs (hard) to get that Big Three bailout money rolling. This happened on November 10th, less than a week after his election.

“Hook a brother up,” he said, referring not to himself, but rather his fine union brothers whose corruption and greed had brought their employers to the brink of bankruptcy. And as RF Interference pointed out, bankruptcy means ditching the union, so that obviously wasn’t acceptable. (“It isn’t.” – Michael Moore)

That was the beginning of the end.

Read the rest of this entry ?

h1

Balancing the Federal Budget

September 11, 2009
Hey, asshole. Sure, the gloves get rid of the fingerprints, but the sleeves are a dead giveaway.

Hey, asshole. Sure, the gloves get rid of the fingerprints, but the sleeves are a dead giveaway.

As the nation’s deficit continues to skyrocket, politicians are scrambling to come up with solutions to counterbalance their reckless spending.

I kid, of course. The politicians could care less. They’re too busy trying to shoehorn someone’s useless airport into the back pages of our latest trillion-dollar fiasco. So while they look for more ways to sell your kids up the river, we have come up with a few suggestions on how to get the income to match the spending (or carpet to match the drapes, whichever comparison gets your attention quickest).

Fly-by-night tax collection agencies.

Check the White House sofa for any millions that may have slipped beneath the cushions.

Bake sale every Friday – first theme: “Fine. Score one for the bumper sticker-buying hippies. A bake sale to fund a bomber purchase.”

Pay wall for government websites.

Audit fucking everybody.

National “Swear Jar.”

Reorganize the government as a non-profit; accept donations from other countries.

$8 admission fee for illegal immigrants.

Buy more generics.

Effective tax rate on top earners to increase to 110%.

Federal withholding tax will now include a 35% “convenience fee” and a $10 “handling charge” (tip of the hat to Ticketmaster).

Same thing with filing a tax return.

Andrew Jackson was well known for his controversial views on slavery; love of floating pie charts.

Andrew Jackson was well known for his controversial views on slavery; love of floating pie charts.

Federal Disaster Relief packages now limited to a Sympathy card and whatever cash the people at the office chipped in ($43).

Several hundred post offices to convert to malfunctioning self-service kiosks.

Air Force One limited to one (1) “major city buzzing” per administration.

FDA Testing Department trimmed to one person: Karl “the Iron Stomach” Magnusson.

Casinos fucking everywhere.

Hell, smokers have an unlimited amount of money, right?

Americans encouraged to adopt foreign teens and immediately have them seek employment.

Increase the budget for “Alchemy R&D.”

Start accidentally knocking some zeroes off the end of the deficit total. Just until it’s down to something manageable.

Annex Central America and the rest of North America. Tax the hell out of our “new citizens.”

Take advantage of Australia’s penal colony status and stash our tax-dollar eating federal inmates “down under.”

Trim the DEA’s funding by 90%. Anti-drug operations going forward to consist of D.A.R.E. t-shirts and occasional “Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?” hysterics.

Yeah motherfucker. You may have my wallet, but I got your money-leaking hat!

Yeah motherfucker. You may have my wallet, but I got your money-leaking hat!

All national parks and wildlife preserves to be converted immediately to money-making resorts/amusement parks/petting zoos.

All retail transactions to be “rounded up” to next even dollar amount, with difference going to “Deficit Spend-Down” account.

President, Cabinet to look for second jobs.

Library of Congress to “aggressively pursue” late fees.

When buying Congressmen, lobbyists must now pay a 25% service charge.

Secret Service now off nights and weekends.

Proposed bills now must be printed using both sides of the paper.

All interstate road work to be subcontracted to KFC.

Iraq, Afghanistan operations to convert to “Operation: We Can’t Fight All Your Battles for You.”

More “sexually attractive” government employees now required to “turn tricks” 4 hours a day.

Americans encouraged to “give till it hurts.” Or be hurt.

-CLT

h1

Highlights from the National Health Care Bill

September 7, 2009
From subparagraph 8(a) of section 109.8.1 - "...free muthafuckin pills, muthafucker..."

From subparagraph 8(a) of section 109.8.1 - "...free muthafuckin pills, muthafucker..."

As the debate rages on as to whether or not most of the US should get “free” health care, a few highlights (and let’s face it, some lowlights) have surfaced from the beleaguered bill. Feel free to take a closer look at all the “free” health care you’ll be paying for.

Oh, and thank the higher tax brackets for working their ass off, only to be rewarded with yet another screwing thanks to good old American entitlement. Thanks for “taking one for the team,” guys. You rock the most!

• Three tiers – Skip the Line ($$$$), Fucked ($$$), Truly Fucked ($$)

• Self-inflicted wounds no longer eligible for co-pay

• E.R. now only open 10AM – 7PM. Please plan accordingly.

Cash for Clunkers! Family members with terminal illnesses and/or outdated views on life can be “traded in” for credit on future health care.

• Non-compliant companies to be subjected to Paul Krugman’s printed wrath with inevitable comparisons to Reaganomics and deficit spending (former Republican presidents only).

• After “polling” the “electorate” in various clubs and hotel rooms, breast implants are now considered a “necessary” medical procedure. Implant removal will only be covered if being “exchanged for a larger size.”

• Useless government employees health plans to remain unchanged (full coverage via taxpayer “donation”).

• Use of influential ad agencies to redraw Medicare and Social Security visualizations in an effort to eliminate the pyramid-shaped flow chart wherein current taxpayers are gouged to pay for those no longer working. (Suggestions: Get rid of the angles. Circles or ovals?)

President to appear “deeply concerned” (Expression D) whenever questioned about health care plan. Should take care not to appear “flustered” (Expression B) or “pissed off” (Expression C).

• “Band Aid Requisition Form” to be trimmed down to 3 pages.

• Sufferers of common STDs to be routed to VA/military hospitals due to their massive amount of previous experience.

• Ride-Share program for government-supplied wheelchairs.

• Upgraded software will allow government to reject claims 30% faster than private insurance companies.

• Health care plan to be renamed “ObamaCare” once bill repealing presidential term limits passes House.

From opening statement of subsection 383.12: "... will hereby appoint Hunter S. Thompson as 'Prescription Czar' (see list of demands in appendix 330)..."

From opening statement of subsection 383.12: "... will hereby appoint Hunter S. Thompson as 'Prescription Czar' (see list of demands in appendix 330)..."

• Third Monday in November to be “National Take Your Influenza to Work Day.”

• Smokers to continue “taking it in the ass, legislatively speaking.”

• In cooperative effort with the National School Board, a “Staying Calm, Staying Healthy” initiative will provide public schools with Ritalin-laced milk (Vitamin R).

• Co-pay includes $3 contribution to Presidential Re-Election Campaign Fund, if for no other reason than nobody has ever checked it voluntarily on their 1040’s.

• Taxpayers referred to in documents as “renewable source of income.”

• Construction of 1.7 million square feet of new waiting rooms will add 35,000 new jobs.

• Government to reclaim 4.5 million acres of forestland to handle “massive increase” in paperwork.

• Unpopular “death panels” to be replaced with unpopular “roving death squads.”

• Addition of “strongly worded notice to Canada to improve their national health care so as not to undermine our plan by comparison.” The wording continues with a pledge to “level the playing field as soon as possible, so stop border-jumping every time you need a heart transplant or anything else requiring quick, competent health care.”

• Diabetes sufferers to begin needle-sharing.

• Over 700 employees to return to work in iron lung manufacturing.

• Ad execs also called upon to create a better slogan than the current front-runner: “Like the DMV with shots!

• Employment-related drug screening to be recategorized as follows:

  • Pre-employment (Pass) – “Job created
  • Pre-employment (Fail) – “Bush legacy
  • Random drug test (Pass) – “Job saved
  • Random drug test (Fail) – “Job (blown save)

• False sense of entitlement expanded to cover middle class, which had mostly been ignored to this point.

-CLT