Posts Tagged ‘College’

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Capitalist Lion Tamer University!

February 16, 2010

CLTU: Putting the "drab" back in "drab, faceless college."

As the world’s foremost authority on all things “bloggy,” Capitalist F.* Lion Tamer is hereby joining every Mom and Pop university in the dipping of our collective wick into the trillion-dollar nightmare that is public funding.

*The “Fucking” is optional, but heavily encouraged.

Announcing the grand opening of the Capitalist Lion Tamer University, featuring a catalog of courses and degrees that rival such heralded institutions as UC-Santa Cruz (Home of the Fighting Banana Slugs) and PS 114 (Detroit). We are now accepting applications from open-minded and open-walleted students.

Wordsmithing 101: Beating English at its Own Game

Advanced Parentheses: The Where, When and How of Parenthetic Overuse (includes “Basic Bracketting” and “When in Doubt, Em Dash”)

Dialogue Basics: How to make something no one would ever, ever say sound natural, mainly by using colons to indicate that, yes, this is dialogue.

Running Gags: 1,001 Uses for a Beaten, Dead Horse

Cheapshots and Bullshit: Did someone say “Branson, MO” and “Woodworking?”

Proofreading is for Pussies: If spellcheck didn’t catch it, most likely no one else will.

Debate: Presenting One-Sided Arguments Self-Righteously (Two keys: authoritative links, f-bombs.)

Commenting 101: Why Leave Every Half-Baked Idea at Home?

Character Assassination: Featuring keynote speeches from guest speakers Clive F.* Cussler, Chad “Penis” Kroeger and “Pistol” Pete Doherty.

*This “Fucking” is mandatory.

The Music Industry: Dealing with the RIAA, BMI, ASCAP and all those other fuckers who keep trying to steal my stolen music.

Blogging Basics: Start small. For instance, choose a manageable subject like all of rock and roll or the Bible.

Remedial Narcissism: Failure to pass this course will cause your blog to be deleted.

CLTU: Putting the "You" back in "University!"

Where’s the Hell is My Book Deal? and Other Ridiculous Questions

The World Isn’t Actually Beating a Path to Your Virtual Door: It’s Just Google Image Search

How to Listen to Music: Now with easily-downloadable songs, optional earphones.

Pop Culture Vomitorium: The Brain Scrapings of Prof. CLT

Shop Class: Construct a blog using only recycled gags, swear words and stolen pictures. (Passing grade awarded to “brilliant/timeless” posts only.)

Solidarity!: Bringing the Anglo World Together by Randomly Co-opting British/Canadian Spelling/Slang

Holy Fuck! My Brain Ran Out of… Stuff!: Fallback Careers for the Early-Peaking Blogger (letter writing campaigns, MSN Money columnist, “Fuck” Inserter for Mamet/Scorsese)

(Note: A. Truitt and C. Collins have been placed on academic suspension for failure to meet minimum attendance requirements.
The staff at CLTU would like to remind R. Rooster and D. Mills that turning in work once a week (no matter how brilliant) is no replacement for doing the daily assignments.
T. Leah and S. Zodi – Please note that all accidents and injuries (priapism/broken coccyx) must be cleared with staff 4-6 weeks prior to occurence. This also holds true for any other unplanned events (sexual harassment suits/weeklong benders) that may cause further absences.
Congratulations to B. Schooled and D. McGinley for their perfect attendance!)

-CLT

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Dear Harvard…

December 1, 2009

This may explain why Harvard gets its ass handed to it on the gridiron year after year...

To the Admissions Board of Harvard University:

This letter of intent has been written to announce my intentions to receive a four-year scholarship as your starting quarterback. While I have had a few options in the academic market, none of the community colleges or online universities have the wealth of history (and history of wealth) that Harvard’s MBA program offers.

While a quick look at my enclosed SAT scores may not reflect the level of excellence you have come to expect from incoming students, let me assure you that they no not reflect my years of “real world” experience.

I would also like to point out my historical reference work, The Presidents of Harvard University (Vols. 1-4). While not as thorough as the incredibly brief Wikipedia entry, the four essays do shine some new light on some unknown aspects of the prestigious line of Harvard presidents. Keep in mind that it is heavily peppered with swear words, the vernacular of the common man.

You may be asking yourselves why a 35-year-old high school graduate would be interested in pursuing a starting position on the Harvard Crimson football squad. You may also be wondering why I put quotes around “real world” rather than “experience.”

Two words: Harvard Tradition.

While there are many Division 1-A schools out there with more competitive teams and a more sports-oriented focus, the truth of the matter is that their competitiveness often works against them, and especially, me. Let’s be honest with each other: Harvard’s focus has always been on academic success rather than athletic glory. I believe this meshing, if you will, of our strong points will allow me to skate by with a low-C average while still allowing you the luxury of having a somewhat athletic quarterback.

I may need to lose about 30 pounds and get my 40-yard time down into the low 7’s, but I believe I can probably meet the goals in time for next year’s football season. I will also look into cutting back on my 4-pack-a-day habit, which is spiced up with the occasional box of cigars.

I’ve been working out during what I’m proactively referring to as the “offseason” with an under-employed neighbor who has played professionally with a variety of arena football teams in the capacity of equipment manager. We’ve done some laundry, watched some highlight tapes and tossed the ol’ pigskin around for the past several weeks. I will continue this vigorous training until camp opens or he is evicted, whichever comes first.

On the academic side, I am currently brushing up on my long-neglected math skills and reading up on current events. I am hoping to be prepared to “nail down” a two-year business statistics degree within the next 4-6 years. During this time I will also serve as the starting quarterback from the Fighting Crimsoneers.

I would also like to take this time to mention my respect for your proud tradition of gentlemanly sportsmanship, as is evidenced by your unwillingness and inability to “run up the score” on opponents. I hope to personify these traditions with my ability to “manage the game” and “not turn the ball over too often.” Let’s work together to play to the best of our abilities and not beat ourselves.

Thank you in advance for your prompt attention.

Sincerely,
CLT

P.S. I am serious.

P.P.S. Do you have an application for “Skull and Bones” I can fill out in advance? I understand the application process is complicated, humiliating and possibly done at another Ivy League school altogether.

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The Presidents of Harvard University Vol. 4 – The 20th Century and Beyond

November 14, 2009
Harvard Football

Harvard's football team cherishes its proud recruiting tradition of "taking whoever they can get."

Welcome to the last installment of the Fancy Plans mini-series Presidents of Harvard. As we roll through the 20th century and into the 21st, we continue to wish Harvard the best of luck in all their endeavors, such as cranking out spoiled children with Presidential aspirations and paying lip service to any sport that doesn’t involve a coxswain.

Previous volumes here:
Vol. 1 – The First One Hundred Years
Vol. 2 – The Next Volume
Vol. 3 – The One Before This One

As the turn of the century brought about exciting new changes, Harvard remained steadfast in its refusal to change with the times. Voting women, legal alcohol, smallpox vaccines; whatever it was, the proud Crimson wanted no part of it. The men of Harvard soldiered on, heads and hearts sworn to years past, dying of smallpox left and right.

22. Abbott Lawrence Lowell 1909-1933
As America’s fascination was captured by the “motorcar,” Abbott Lowell took to the halls of Harvard to protest this modern achievement by highlighting the dwindling fortunes of blacksmiths, horseshoe manufacturers and marketers of carriages and buggies. Taking his fight all the way to the halls of Congress, Lowell testified in front of a House Subcommittee with a carefully prepared feltboard presentation that indicated the motorcar’s destructive force on the economy.

He was rebutted by various motorcar manufacturers and their union representatives. Several “rebuttings” occurred, each one more violent than the last. But none was more violent than the last, which hospitalized him for a period of 21 years, a stay that was increased by his frequent bouts with smallpox.

With Lowell out of the picture, the motorcar companies took to the streets in a noisy, smoky black celebration of machinery’s triumph over the common horse. They were joined by representatives from several leading glue factories, early adopters and local musicians Martin Gore, Dave Gahan and Vince Clarke.

Lowell emerged from the hospital into the heart of the Great Depression, which led directly to his depression and several remarks of “What’s so fucking great about it?” He was asked to leave Harvard after three straight weeks of “mellow harshing.”

Affectionately known as “Bud.”

23. James Bryant Conant 1933-1953
Running an elitist school in the middle of the Great Depression was no easy task and J.B. Conant clearly wasn’t up for it. As admissions dwindled and various executives were forced to mortgage their third houses (especially those on St. Charles Place and Kentucky), Conant was frequently asked to come up with some sort of desperation plan to stem the hemorrhaging cash flow.

His first plan, “Passing the Hat,” was met with student riots, often composed of up to five extremely wealthy upperclassmen. His next plan, “Fee For All,” which added surcharges for such student services as “oxygen above the third floor” and “hot water on Tuesdays and Thursdays” was met with more rioting, completely contained in Alfie Moorehead’s dorm room.

By the time his last plan was enacted (1947), the nation has long since pulled out of the Depression and fought a major war. His final effort, titled “Admissions Are Up For Some Reason,” won him the attention of competing schools, who were dealing with dwindling student bodies.

Conant jumped ship to Rutgers for a lucrative two-year contract and spent his final months wildly vacillating on the retirement issue. After several stop-and-start sessions, Conant was finally put out of everyone’s misery by a back alley lobotomy performed by Harvard and Rutgers alumi in a rare display of cross-academic cooperation.

Affectionately known as “Senor Droolcup.”

24. Nathan Marsh Pusey 1953-1971
Already well past his prime (and burdened with an unfortunate surname) by the time he took office, Pusey was unprepared both mentally and physically for the upheaval his country was about to go through.

Other board members would often find themselves cornered at the local country club by an irate and bombed Pusey, who would rant about how “he didn’t get shot in the back by his own platoon in Iwo Jima just to see a bunch of scraggly potheads start rewriting the rule books.”

Pusey spent 19 long years being offended by everything, including (but not limited to) peace marches, bra-burning, the Symbionese Liberation Army, M*A*S*H* (the movie), M*A*S*H* (the TV show), the oddly exciting piano stylings of Jerry Lee Lewis, the oddly exciting marriage of Jerry Lee Lewis to his 13-year-old cousin, “that shirtless and godless Igward Pop,” public displays of affection and the unchecked rise of progressive rock.

Pusey responded to these perceived threats by shuttering his windows, tuning his wireless to the Paul Harvey Show and glaring thru slitted eyes (and shutters) at the “future of America,” most of whom were making love not war right out there on the lawn.

He spent his self-imposed exile penning angry letters to the editor and composing his 1,500-page screed against everything. He retired in 1971 to spend his twilight years as a self-appointed authority on the many wrongs perpetuated by today’s youth.

Affectionately known as “Don ‘Puppy’ Mills.”

25. Derek Bok 1971-1991
Already well past his prime, etc. but without quite as unfortunate a surname as his predecessor, Bok was throughly unprepared for the upheaval ahead of him, and indeed, his country.

Riding out the Vietnam Years as the head of “Draft Dodger U.,” Bok applied his expertise in the business field to found Harvard’s MBA program, which continues to produce overpaid executives to this day.

Having dodged a bullet with the Vietnam situation (along with a majority of his students), Bok made the first of several missteps when he took the position of Goodwill Ambassador to India for Union Carbide. Having survived this unfortunate event, Bok swiftly returned to Harvard’s angry mod-free halls only to be near-fatally wounded during the first inaugural “Jodie Foster Appreciation Day.”

Bok wisely decided to lay low during the rest of his term, often malingering at the local hospital with claims of “hypochondria” and “sucking chest wounds.” He retired in 1991, citing fears of a “coming upheaval in rock and roll, once which I am wholly unprepared to deal with,” adding “No wonder they call it ‘grunge.’ They can’t rightly call it music, can they?”

Affectionately known as “The Angel of Death.”

26. Neil L. Rudenstine 1991-2001
Following in a long line of privileged insiders, Rudenstine took the helm at Harvard during what was no doubt a tumultuous time. Neil made several overtures to his students in an effort to “rap” with them about their fears and doubts. These were rebuffed via the usual protests and riots, most notably the furor over the brief change in Harvard commencement gowns towards a more fashionable plaid.

Rudenstine spent many long hours and great deal of alumni donations attempting to win the hearts and minds of the student body with little to no success. Undeterred, he continued to spend money and ingratiate himself, which earned him the scorn of the student body and their parents.

Forced to rethink his efforts, Rudenstine tackled the problem head-on, utilizing market research and large quantities of booze. Using the “correlation=causation” theory, Rudenstine rationalized that most drunks are happy and a drunken student body would be a happy student body.

He was asked to step down when it became clear that a “drunken student body” more often equalled “paternity suits” or “violent police actions.” His final statement issued a final, drunken “fuck you” to both students and faculty alike, and closed with vaguely worded threats. He was last spotted plying the University of Kansas student body with grain alcohol and waiver forms.

Affectionately known as “Bob and.”

27. Lawrence H. Summers 2001-2006
Summers took the position of president in 2001, vowing to “stay indoors” and “lay low.” He followed through remarkably, showing up for the occasional commencement or formal dinner.

In addition to signing purchase orders and vacation requests, Summers took control of the most-under-control purchasing department. His even hand and temperament soon led to unchecked spending and the eventual dismissal of most of his staff for embezzlement.

His lesson learned, Summers attempted to take the hard-line against future abuses. He soon found his heart wasn’t in it. In fact, he soon found his heart wasn’t really in it for nearly any position or activity, and died of early-onset monotony during a long, uneventful drive to his summer home in the Hamptons. He expired behind the wheel and coasted to a quiet stop well within the lines of the shoulder, where he was found nearly immediately and buried during a small, but respectfully quiet ceremony.

Affectionately knowns as “The President, Whose Name Escapes Me.”

-CLT

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The Presidents of Harvard University Vol. 3 – Wrapping Up the Nineteenth Century

November 2, 2009
Harvard continues to exclude outsiders through their use of a made-up language.

Harvard continues to keep information from outsiders through their proprietary made-up language.

This volume (3, for those keeping score) takes us through the last half of a tumultuous century, which saw a civil war, the rise of the railroad, the advent of opium addiction, the blaming of said railroad workers, the “railroading” of said opium-addicted railroad workers, various land grabs, tangles with Spain and Little Spain (Mexico) and the peak of beard popularity.

Harvard, of course, was not affected by any of these things. The hallowed and insular institution continued to crank out upper class snobs and privileged twits like no other college in America (and I’m including Ole Miss).

Let’s take a stroll into the turn of the century with the presidents of Harvard, whose tenacity and shortsightedness allowed them to circumvent the “progression” of the rest of the United States.

16. Edward Everett 1846-1849
Everett’s four-year term was most noted for his introduction of “panty raids.” The first several attempts were aimed at Yale who, much like Harvard, were still only providing men with higher education. Despite this hurdle, the imagination of the Crimson allowed them to return from each raid with hundreds of pairs of “man panties” or “Yalie thongs.”

Everett attempted to spice up these same-sex raids by introducing various bills to Congress (through his well-endowed lobbyists) suggesting that some major schools be forced to allow women to enroll. Needless to say, these efforts failed (although not for a lack of endowment) as Congress, and indeed the rest of the country (including the railroad workers) viewed women as second-class citizens who could not be trusted with an education, living wage or even childbirth, considering the infant mortality rate.

Everett’s term came to an end after a panty raid on Vanderbilt resulted in the capture of female undergarments. These never-before-seen items caused severe mental trauma in those who had seen them and life-threatening psychosis in the few who had actually touched the items. After the fourth sniper attack in as many weeks, Everett was asked to step down and run (in a zig zag pattern) across the quad to his waiting buggy.

Affectionately known as “Sniper Victim #23.”

17. Jared Sparks 1849-1853
Jared Sparks is credited with introducing a successful line of weight loss programs into the normal curricula of Harvard. Sparks would often entertain his fellow officers with thrilling tales of weight loss through careful sandwich selection. Although very popular (and inspiring) at first, Sparks constant reminders and detail-heavy anecdotes about which sandwich he had eaten and how many “fat cells” were contained in each resulted in a massive backlash which heavily damaged the local food cart economy.

Sparks was finally asked to step down when his normally long-winded diatribes on meatball subs and other anti-masturbatorial foods began to arrive in the form of short sentences which were hand-written and delivered at random intervals to whomever happened to be close by. Close associates were overheard muttering about his incessant twittering and overused “fat pants” visual metaphor.

Affectionately known as “Fuck You, Sandwich Boy.”

18. James Walker 1853-1860
To know James Walker was to love him, or rather, be “loved” by him. An ego-centric womanizer until his deathbed conversion to the Symbionese Liberation Army, Walker aided and a-bedded (sorry) over 8,000 women in 8 years. As his constant scoring began to eat into his time as president, JW would often let his second-in-command, James Walker Jr. VII run the place, much to the dissatisfaction of the other Harvard officers, who saw their money being blown on candy bars and hookers and their daughters being knocked up left and right.

Walker would have lost his post much earlier if he hadn’t exercised Harvard’s “privileged insider” clause, which allowed him to live life by a different standard than the enrollees and at least some of the officers. He also used a 120-year old typo to grant himself “eminent domain” in matters related to the wives and daughters of all Harvard students and employees.

With so much going for him, Walker’s abrupt retirement came as a surprise. While Walker issued a statement referring to his “desire for a quiet life of banging random chicks, away from the day-to-day pressures of running Harvard (and banging random Harvard-related chicks),” but many of his contemporaries speculated that perhaps his “dick” had “just fallen off.”

Affectionately known as “Wilt.”

19. Cornelius Conway Felton 1860-1862*
Felton presided over an era that came to be known as “The Shortest Era Ever.” As the figurative head of Harvard, Felton spent most of his time fulfilling ceremonial duties such as groundbreaking, large novelty-check signing, baptisms, circumcisions, Hot or Not tie breakers, pancake breakfasts, mass burials and the occasional Live Aid concert.

Though Felton’s stay in office was brief, he spent each moment as if it were his last: by begging forgiveness from various deities and sobbing inconsolably. As his private sobbing and praying began to intrude on his more public duties, the Harvard officers began to work on an “early retirement” plan.

Things came to a head at a groundbreaking ceremony for the above ground pool. Felton seized the oversized ribbon-cutting scissors and attempted to slash his wrists. He was wrestled to the ground by his fellow board members and remanded to the state, which soon remanded him to the local crazyhouse, at which point the staffers remanded him to his surviving family, which bequeathed him, still alive, to Harvard University. He lived out his final years as a living statue of himself.

Affectionately known as “Three-and-out.”

*Died in office as a result of statuefication. See also: Goldfinger.

20. Thomas Hill 1862-1868
A tireless opium addict and eccentric inventor, Hill spent a majority of his seven-year term trying to perfect his “gravity bong/scientific calculator” prototype. Most historians point to his concentration on the first half to be the reason the second half was never able to get its ass of the couch or come up with rent money.

As Hill continued to chase the double dragons of drug paraphernalia (Billy Lee) and scientific calculation (Jimmy Lee), the Harvard board members acted quickly to revoke his severance pay and change the locks. He was finally ousted during an 18-hour marathon intervention in which the board members pretended to care about his health and whatnot. Hill responded by vomiting and passing out in the hall closet. He awoke 4 hours later to find his belongings (including himself) on the lawn. The rest is history. Boring history.

Affectionately known as “C. Thomas Howell.”

21. Charles William Eliot 1869-1909
Eliot lived to see the turn of the century, much to the dismay of several local bookies. An inveterate gambler and loudmouthed braggart, Eliot so ired the local townspeople that the remaining board members retired and changed their names. Indeed, the hallowed halls themselves were tainted by his filthy habits, as local thugs repoed the above ground pool, second billiards table, the K-M sections of the bleachers and the letters “R” and “D.”

After one close call with a lynching party, CW took to hiding himself in the lower levels of the undergraduate library, subsisting on hardtack and book binding. After 22 years in seclusion, Eliot returned to the surface to find the campus nearly deserted. Rather than let the proud metaphorical ship Harvard continue to drift listlessly, CW took the helm (metaphorically) and proceeded to rape and pillage Yale (not metaphorically).

At the behest of yet another lynching party (working in conjunction with local mobsters), Eliot was lynched. Due to a lack of proper tools or measurements, Eliot was suspended only four feet off the ground and was unable to properly asphyxiate.

Given a mulligan by the angry townsfolk, Eliot returned underground, eventually resurfacing to party like it’s “1899.”

Known affectionately as “Goddamned Lucky.”

-CLT

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The Presidents of Harvard University: the First 100 Years

October 14, 2009
The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK HARVARD" facade.

The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK YALE" facade.

Here at Fancy Plans, we pride ourselves in being able to tackle even the dryest subject with aplomb. For your consideration today: the presidents of Harvard University, whose hallowed halls and large endowments have fathered many of our nation’s leaders. Without further fucking around, we present a history of this fine institution, as seen through the eyes of its leaders.

Part One – The First 100 Years

1. Henry Dunster 1640-1654
Henry was voted “Most Likely to Helm an Overbearing School” after his many hours logged as hall monitor and switch cutter. Most likely was born left-handed, but was “cured” of this after long hours of forced repetitions and amputation. Known affectionately as “The Dunster.”

2. Charles Chauncy 1654-1672*
The first of the Chauncy clan to graduate from the sixth grade, Chancy went on the helm Harvard during a turbulent time that saw many upperclassmen die during skirmishes with a nascent Yale. Also coined the term “coxswain” after a drunken interlude with the inhabitants of Harvard Pond. Affectionately known as “Chucky Duck-Fucker.”
*Died in office after accidentally breaking off the inner handle.

3. Leonard Hoar 1672-1675
Born with a speech impediment and an even more unfortunate surname, Hoar overcame these early hurdles to lead Harvard to its first victory over Yale’s polo team. After his success as a coach, Leonard was chosen president during a 19-hour game of Russian Roulette, played dangerously using single-barrel musket loaders. He survived his gaping head wound to serve the school during the turbulent “Violently Erratic Years.” Affectionately known as “Lucky Leo” and “Filthy Hoar.”

4. Urian Oakes 1675-1681*
Urian spent 17 years as the president of Harvard much to the surprise of his eventual successor. As his opponents began a vigorous filibuster, Urian slipped out through the bathroom window and let himself into the president’s office, where he barricaded himself for the next 2 years. During this time, another office was built and filled by a variety of interim presidents and attractive interns. Known affectionately as “Pay No Attention to That Pounding and Cursing. It’s Just These Old and Hallowed Halls Settling. And Cursing.”
*Died in office due to lack of adequate ventilation, which had been re-routed to the new office.

5. John Rogers 1682-1684*
Known to many as “Jolly,” Rogers ushered in a new era of explosive violence and drunkenness with his hostile takeover of the new president’s office. Arriving via horse-drawn ship, the visibly drunken and clinically insane Rogers proceeded to “board” the upper level, cutting a swath through the freshman ranks before hoisting his flag in the office and vomiting into the wastebasket. His raiding party continued to pillage and occasionally rape the underclassmen and furniture for 3 long and uneventful years. He died of scurvy-related complications and was buried at sea (or rather, the Harvard Pond). Known affectionately as “Gummy Jack.”
*Died in office for reasons listed above. May have also suffered from early-onset Restless Leg Syndrome, or “Sea Legs.”

6. Increase Mather** 1685-1701
Fiercely competitive, Increase had his name legally changed twice, from “Decrease” and “No Change,” respectively. He oversaw Harvard’s expansion from a loose confederation of rich, spoiled jerks into a highly organized pack of rich, spoiled jerks. Credited with the formation of the Skull and Bones, Mather prized secrecy and loyalty over such other virtues as honor and respect for human life. His legacy lives on today in the form of the Skull and Bones, which no one will officially admit exists. Except for that one guy, who we never saw much of after that. Just the occasional bloated corpse in Harvard Pond, which could be anybody really. Even Gummy Jack. Affectionately known as “Cotton.”
**Killed two vice presidents while in office due to their violation of Rule #2 of Skull and Bones: You DO NOT TALK about Skull and Bones.

7. John Leverett 1708-1724*
Although Leverett held the university’s highest office for nearly 17 years, nothing has much been said about his contributions. Most of his contemporaries noted that he was “quiet” and “kept to himself,” and really did nothing out of the ordinary other than haul multiple bags and rolled-up carpets and hurl them into the deep end of Harvard Pond. Further investigation into this matter has resulted in the same answer: “Have you tried the quad? The person you are looking for hasn’t been seen in a fortnight but if you’d like you can try this Oriental rug on for size.” Known affectionately as “Crazy John, the Guy Nobody Suspected.”
*Possibly “gay.”

8. Benjamin Wadsworth 1725-1737*
Benjamin Wadsworth rose from his disadvantageous and “merely rich” upbringing to become the foremost robber baron of his time. Uneducated, even by Brown standards, Wadsworth used his wealth and considerable influence to secure the premier position at Harvard. Once in place, he began his tireless work to “tear the place down from the inside.” Unfortunately, he and his underlings were unused to physical labor or efficient anarchy and left 13 years later only having managed to take a few pictures off the wall and scribble a few mustaches on the remain portraits (which usually had mustaches already). Known affectionately as “Dubya.”
*Died while in office due to an overdose of leeches.

Stay tuned for parts 2 and possibly 3 in the near future. And kids, stay in school.

-CLT

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Upper Midwestern State Community College and Vocational School Courses

May 18, 2009
The scenic Upper Midwestern State campus, located just outside the maximum security prison.

The scenic Upper Midwestern State campus, located just outside the maximum security prison.

Summer’s here and, unfortunately, will soon be gone, much like this rapidly fanned bong smoke. Hopefully more rapid than that, Mom’s almost to the front door. Jesus! Open that window!

Time to apply for college. And not just any college, the cheapest college money can buy. Browse some selections from UMSCC&VS’ upcoming academic year.

Required

  • The Main Entrance Doors Are “Pull” – Key info for new students. Also covered: lining up in alphabetical order, last name first (needlessly complex?), and why are all of our parking spots marked “Handicapped?” (Just park anywhere and help us mount a counter-attack against those Devry eggheads.)
  • G.E.D. Fundamentals – Getting a handle on our only admission requirement.
  • Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey: Introduction to Basic Mechanics
  • It’s Not Rocket Science and Other Phrases You’ll Be Hearing a Lot Of – Also covers: “dangerously underqualified,” “lowered expectations,” “potential liability,” and “You’re 36. Move the fuck out of our house.”
  • Shop Class Basics – Learning to count to ten with fewer than ten fingers; fallback obscene gestures.
  • The 1040EZ: Mastering the Only Tax Form You’ll Ever Need
  • Will It Blend? – What MSDS sheets aren’t telling you.
  • From Airliner Repair to Birth Control: 1001 Uses for Duct Tape

Vocational

  • VCR Repair – Tape jams, tracking and 12:00. Required course for admission to basic laserdisc repair.
  • How to Take Advantage of Women and the Elderly – Entry-level Auto Repair course.
  • MLM & You: Fallback Careers and Moonlighting – The power of exponential math brought to you by Amway. Also of interest: World Book Sales – Wikipedia for slow children.
  • Geocities Presents: The Future of Website Design – Animated GIFs, multi-colored text, banner ads and other key basics for your Tiffany fanclub website.
  • Basic BASIC: Your “GOTO” Programming Language
  • Copier Repair – Earn up to $30/hour installing toner cartridges and selling extended warranties.
  • If You Want to Spend Time with Your Family This Holiday Season, You’d Better Hope They’re Shopping Here – Essentials for a career in retail.
  • Executive Mailroom Training: Blue Collar in a White Collar World – Stop believing all that Hollywood bullshit. You’re going nowhere.
  • Geek Squad Basics – Earn up to $11/hour selling extended warranties, “installing” pre-installed software and stripmining porn from customers’ hard drives.
  • Sounds Like a Hardware Problem: Microsoft Tech Support basics
  • Game Design – You like games, right? Then you’re perfect for this. You also like low-paid, 18-hour workdays and have a solid background in higher math and computer programming, right? No. Not so much, huh. Go hang out with those blonde morons, then.
  • Quotation Marks and the Commercial Signing Business – Just put “them” anywhere!
  • Security Guard Training – All the fun of being a cop (hassling teens, strip-searching teens) with none of the responsibility (preventing crime, solving crimes).
  • Cable Installation – Throw out your calendars and clocks. You won’t be needed these restrictive items any more!
  • Outsourcing – The Man’s plan to keep you hip-deep in Amway cleaning products; World Book encyclopedias.
  • Shopping Cart Wrangling – Advanced techniques for lines of 20 or more carts.
  • Elementary School Coaching – How to deal with violent parents, inept children and your own sex offender past. Also included: where to get the best buys on those sweet polyester shorts.
  • Everything’s Gone Retarded! – Dealing with suddenly becoming left-handed.
  • Introductory Tuning – Increasing your horsepower through careful decal application.
  • Dental Technicians: Grabbing the Brass Waterpik – With Prof. Shane McGowan.
  • Over-the-Road Trucking – Covers: methamphetamine selection, caring for your two sets of logbooks, and how not to respond to law enforcement (see example).
    Example:
    Which is the correct response?
    Weigh-Station Officer: “You look like you’re a couple hundred pounds overweight.”
    A. “Well, that makes two of us.”
    B. “This always happens during a lunar eclipse. Simple physics, really.”
    C. “Someone thought the illegals would appreciate a sack lunch.”
    D. “So… you want me to let some air out the tires or something?”

Electives

  • Art Appreciation – We have never, and will not ever be using nude models. Please stop asking.
  • Advanced Bong Assembly – How to turn yesterday’s shop class project into today’s “tobacco-only” recreation device.
  • In the End, Does It Really Matter?: The Poetry of Linkin Park
  • Pain Don’t Hurt: The Tao of Patrick Swayze – Includes discussion of “Water ain’t Wet” (Point Break), “Dancing ain’t Dirty” (Dirty Dancing) and “Planes Don’t Crash” (Donnie Darko).
  • Political Science: Diebold invites you to get your crowd-sourced ass to work on designing a better electro-vote machine.
  • Debate Class: Ford vs. Chevy – Who truly deserves Calvin’s urine?
  • Computers and Creative Writing – Covered: how to fail to make your point in 500 words or more (blog pointers), the subtle nuances of Youtube comment threads and the DiggNation citizenship exam [1109 Diggs].
  • Music Appreciation: From Hair Metal to Rap Metal – The best of the last 20 years of rock. Not included: those whiny-ass “grunge” years.
  • Things That Are “Gay” – Open discussion on everything from Kevin Federline’s latest single to that ridiculous shirt you’re wearing.
  • Film Appreciation: Pioneers of the Straight-to-Video Market
  • Bumper-Sticker Philosophy: From “Honk if You’re Horny” to “My Other Car is a Bible” – Making the least out of space limitations. See also: Twitter

-CLT