Posts Tagged ‘BFPE’

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 7

May 4, 2010

A long-delayed welcome back to an old favorite: the Bible. As usual, the sugar-coated teachings of the elders have been undercut with the saucy impertinence of today’s cynical bloggers. While many of you may find this to be “just fine,” rest assured someone, somewhere is busily putting together a chain email, full of grammatical errors and exclamation points, decrying today’s lack of morality and respect.

Before you finish adding the last few bits of ALL CAPS, why don’t you read a bit. And contemplate.

Previous heretical texts stored safely here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archives

The crew of "To Catch a Predator" sets the bait.

1And there went a man of the house of Levi, and took to wife a daughter of Levi, much to Levi’s surprise and instant outrage.

2And the woman conceived, less than two months after a hasty wedding, and bare a son: and when she saw him that he was a goodly child, she hid him three months, as his incessant goodliness made dinner conversations awkward. And boring. And don’t even mention the “marital relations.”

3And when she could not longer hide/put up with him, she took for him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime and with pitch, and put the child therein; and she laid it in the flags by the river’s brink. When Social Services arrived to investigate a “slimy, pitchy baby,” they found themselves stymied by the archaic term “flags” and turned the whole case over to the Sheriff’s office.

4And his sister stood afar off, to wit what would be done to him, because she was nosy. And somewhat barren.

5And the daughter of Pharaoh came down to wash herself at the river; and her maidens walked along by the river’s side, uttering sycophantic nonsense; and when she saw the ark among the flags (whatever the hell they are), she sent her maid to fetch it.

6And when she had opened it, she saw the child: and, behold, the babe wept. So did the pitchy, slimy baby. And she had compassion on him, and said, This is one of the Hebrews’ children, which reminds me, could you maidens run down and make sure they’re still enslaved? Thanks, you’re a dear.

7Then said his sister to Pharaoh’s daughter, Shall I go and call to thee a nurse of the Hebrew women, that she may nurse the child for thee? And Pharoah’s daughter said, shouldn’t you be back in your slave hut or whatever?

8And Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, Go. And try to act more “enslaved.” And the maid went and called the child’s mother.

9And Pharaoh’s daughter said unto her, Take this child away, and nurse it for me, for I am incredibly busy. And spoiled. And I will give thee thy wages. And the woman took the child, and nursed it, saying something under her breath about a “ridiculously circuitous plan.”

10And the child grew, and she brought him unto Pharaoh’s daughter, and he became her son and was tattooed with the Egyptian hieroglyphic for “adopted.” And she called his name Moses: and she said, Because I drew him out of the water. Or rather, my maidens did, but I take the credit around here.

11And it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens: and he spied an Egyptian smiting an Hebrew, one of his brethren, and Moses felt a tag guilty about his general “unsmittenness.” He did, however, begin to feel better about his “adoptedness,” which was pretty much burden-free.

Unfortunately, Moses' privileged life had made his shanking skills a little rusty...

12And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man (and only a couple of women whose eyewitness account would be immediately discounted), he slew the Egyptian, just to watch him die, and hid him in the sand.

13And when he went out the second day, behold, two men of the Hebrews strove together (which is not nearly as dirty as it sounds): and he said to him that did the wrong, Wherefore smitest thou thy fellow? And Moses said, What the hell was that? English, motherfucker. Do. You. Speak. It.

14And he said, Who made thee a prince and a judge over us? (Um, the princess did. Duh.) Intendest thou to kill me, as thou killedst the Egyptian? Moses said, well, not originally but you’re starting to pissedst me off. And Moses feared, and said, Surely this thing is known, and regretted handing out the t-shirt emblazoned with “Moses: Kills Egyptians Dead.”

15Now when Pharaoh heard this thing, he sought to slay Moses. With extreme prejudice. [Musical sting.] But Moses fled from the face (and other more damaging parts) of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian (Egypt’s “Mexico”): and he sat down by a well, feeling very grateful that he was not in Bruges.

16Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters(!): and they came (!!) and drew water(!!!), and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock. (…)

17And the shepherds came and drove them away in their finest pimpmobiles: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. And fertilized their crops. (+4 EXP)

18And when they came to Reuel their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to-day? I was expecting you later. And this thing with the vacuum hose… well… it’s really not what it looks like.

19And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the “shepherds,” and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock. And fertilized our crops. And rescued a baby calf. (Check gifts.)

20And he said unto his daughters, And where is he? why is it that ye have left the man? seriously, what the hell, women? call him, that he may eat bread. And watch “Egypt’s Top Model.”

As he struggled to contain his nauseousness, Moses pondered Zipporah's fascination with her bag of feces.

21And Moses was content to dwell with the man (seven daughters being a lot of contentment): and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter, who was well-known for her catchy name and infectious… laugh.

22And she bare him a son, and on the first try, sending her father (he of the “women-only” swimmers) into a spiralling depression, and he called his name Gershom: for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land.

23And it came to pass in process of time, that the king of Egypt died: and the children of Israel sighed by reason of the bondage, and they cried, and their cry came up unto God by reason of the bondage, which had gone well past what could be considered arousing.

24And God heard their groaning (and bitching), and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob, which apparently was right at the tip of his tongue for the past several generations, but now… NOW YOU REMEMBER IT??!?! WTF???

25And God looked upon the children of Israel, and God had respect unto them and their bondage, and gave them a safety word.

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 6

February 26, 2010

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. And you thought we’d all forgotten about you.

How could we, what with your “Best-Selling Book in the World Ever”  status and your constant unwelcome presence in our hotel room drawers when all we need is the SpectraVision guide.

Say “hello” (again) to the Bible, as translated by Fancy Pants, Inc. LLC.

Previous abominations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archives

King Josiah leans in to hear the punchline of the latest "Garfield."

1 The words of Jeremiah the son of Hilkiah, of the priests that were in Anathoth in the land of Benjamin: (This will be on the test.)

2 To whom the word of the LORD came in the days of Josiah the son of Amon king of Judah, in the thirteenth year of his reign. (Again, on the test, but worded badly.)

3 It came also in the days of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the end of the eleventh year of Zedekiah the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the carrying away of Jerusalem captive in the fifth month. Due to the “carrying away,” if you re-secure Jerusalem, you’ll need to stop by the courthouse for a lien release ($17.50).

4 Then the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, (in verbal ALL CAPS, as is the LORD’s m.o.)

5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. It’s called “predestined.” I do a lot of it. It’s like “premeditated” but it’s tougher to hang a sentence on, especially in Southern courts.

6 Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. I mean, not literally, but more in the “I really don’t want to do this” sort of way.

7 But the LORD said unto me, Stop being such a baby. Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Like a puppet. Or the BJU student body.

8 Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the LORD. Or at least, don’t make that horrible “OMG!” face. You know the one I’m talking about. They’re very sensitive about their hideous faces.

9 Then the LORD put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. And I said, Did you have to put your words in my mouth with so much tongue? That kind of touching is kind of inappropriate.

10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant. To kick ass, to chew bubblegum, to serve in that You Got Served sort of way. (Rather than in that pussy-ass “How may I help you?” sort of way.)

11 Moreover the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Jeremiah, what seest thou? And I said, I see a rod of an almond tree, which reminds me, what hast thou put so many anatomically correct trees all over? I’ve got a million H.R. complaints to wade through from the last harvest.

King Josiah reaches for his ankh-sword and prepares to "cut a (Baal-worshipping and bearded) bitch."

12 Then said the LORD unto me, Thou hast well seen: for I will hasten my word to perform it. And I said, It’s kind of hard to miss, what with the length and girth of their roddiness… What was the last part?

13 And the word of the LORD came unto me the second time, saying, What seest thou? And I said, I see a seething pot; and the face thereof is toward the north. And the LORD said, You know, your constant reference to inanimate objects and their irrelevant geographic orientation is wearing a little thin.

14 Then the LORD continued, But in this case, I’ll let it slide, seeing as it aligns itself with one of my pet theories. Out of the north an evil shall break forth upon all the inhabitants of the land.

15 For, lo, I will call all the families of the kingdoms of the north, saith the LORD; so if My line’s busy, just keep trying. Or call after 6 pm, Pacific Time. And they shall come, and they shall set every one his throne at the entering of the gates of Jerusalem, and against all the walls thereof round about, and against all the cities of Judah. It’s called “stacking the deck.” Against you. It’s kind of my “thing.” Ask Job.

16 And I will utter my judgments against them touching all their wickedness (repeatedly), who have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods, and worshipped the works of their own hands. I’ll be bringing it to these heathens and their arrogant pot-smoking craftmanship. I mean honestly, does incense fool anyone anymore?

17 Thou therefore gird up thy loins, and arise, and speak unto them all that I command thee. Gird in layers. It’s unseasonably cold. Be not dismayed at their faces, lest I confound thee before them. Once again, they can’t help how they look. It’s a terrible cosmic joke which we’ll blame on genetics. Inbred genetics.

18 For, behold, I have made thee this day a defenced city, and an iron pillar, and brasen walls against the whole land. So hide behind the pillar (everybody gets one) and try to tune out the walls and their outspoken hussiness. Against the kings of Judah, against the princes thereof, against the priests thereof, and against the people of the land. Outnumbered and outgunned: that’s right out of Yahweh’s Art of War.

19 And they shall fight against thee; but they shall not prevail against thee; for I am with thee, saith the LORD, to deliver thee, unless otherwise detained by “deck-stacking” elsewhere. Peace out.

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 5

December 29, 2009

The Bible is full of parables and stories that teach us valuable lessons through the suffering of others. Perhaps no story teaches us more than the story of Job. It teaches us that God toys with his creation and falls victim to a manipulative and bitchy Satan too easily.

Meet Job: an all-around good guy who gets his ass (and asses) handed to him during a supernatural game of Truth-or-Dare.

Previous blasphelarious (thanks, shearviscosity!) translations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Job's friends interrupt his "8-Minute Abs" session with suggestions that he up his reps; curse God; die.

1 There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. The neighbors hated him. With a passion. Especially since he kept them up late at night, eschewing evil, often with his mouth open.

2 And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Like in that movie, Three Brides for Seven Brothers, which was a big hit in West Virginia and smaller cults worldwide.

3 His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. So not only was he perfect and upright, but he had a metric shitload of stuff, including some of the best ass around. God. I’m sick of him already.

4 And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Because they all had their own houses, what with their filthy rich dad and there was always enough mutton and camel and ass to go around.

5 And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually, hedging his bets to stave off any unwarranted judgement from God. (FORESHADOWING) This generally took him the better part of the week, which meant that he was at least three days behind by Tuesday and by Friday it was last winter.

6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Right up there on the list of reasons why God cast out Satan: constant gatecrashing. He also mentioned something about his “bogarting” of joints and never having any “stash” of his own. Plus he once peed in the linen closet.

In this tangentially-related etching, Job and unknown others discuss the pros and cons of cursing God; dying.

7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. I’m just passing through, dawg. No need to get all uptight.

8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Hast thou also considered his fine sons and daughters, who have GPAs in the upper 4’s and multiple extracurricular activities? Hast thou also not seen his annual food drive and UNICEF cans? And his organ donor card?

9 Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast thou not laid thine “pimp hand” down like thou did to thy servant Jonah a few chapters from now?

10 Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Why shouldst he bitch, when thou hooketh him up constantly?

11 But put forth thine pimp hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Seriously. I bet I can get the F-bomb out of him.

12 And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Because I am a vengeful and wrathful God. And I’m a sucker for playing the spread and looking like a big man in front of the demons. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD and mentally counted his winnings. (Which were not monetary, thus making the whole “playing the spread” thing irrelevant.)

13 And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. This would be a day that ended in “y.”

14 And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them. Because they’re lazy asses. The oxen are starting to complain that someone should “write those asses up.” Anyway… that’s not the important part...

15 And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. So… don’t worry about the write-ups. The problem seems to have solved itself. Although we will need to hire some new servants…

Subtitled "Job, Shut the Fuck Up or Get the Fuck Out!"

16 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I mean, I think it was Godfire. I was enjoying a post-sheep banging cigarette and I think I dozed off. Next thing I know, it’s like a Fiery Furnace (self-referential!) out there, only with an awful “burning mattress” smell.

17 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Worst Lollapalooza ever. Three bands. Slain servants. The headliner was Bush. ClearChannel isn’t issuing refunds and I left my Camels in my other ironic t-shirt.

18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. You know, ’cause it’s a day that ends with “y”? And they’re known lushes?

19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I told them to make it out of brick, but no one listens to old Gerald. Not until he’s the last guy standing.

20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, (One Mantle: available month-to-month. 350 shekel deposit. No dogs.)

21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. To be honest, I liked the LORD better when he was giving, but what can you do? He also liketh the taking. Perhaps too much.

22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. (God, feeling obligated by his massive screwing of Job, agreed to pick up the lease on the mantle and signed a 12-month agreement. Job appreciated this gesture and threw in a new flatscreen TV during God’s six-month extension.)

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 4

December 15, 2009

Back once again with the Renegade Master, the full damager, power to the people. Bringing back the Bible, old skool. Verily, gaze upon my mad rhymes and prepare to start throwing limbs about carefreely.

Volume 4 in what is a planned 144-volume series deals with the story of Jonah, another one of God’s chosen people. And much like God’s chosen people, he places himself and many others in the line of fire.

Previous volumes are available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Much to the fish's dismay, Jonah exits through the entrance.

Jonah 1

1 Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying,

2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me. Go now, Jonah, for I tire greatly of their lippy bullshit.

3 But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. And, verily, this did not go unnoticed as the LORD, being the LORD and all, saw everything and said (under his breath): Ah, hell nah! You did NOT just do that.

4 But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken. And the LORD said (again, under his breath): How you like them ship-breaking apples, you slippery bitch? Poseidon got nothin’ on me!

5 Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god, and cast forth the wares that were in the ship into the sea, to lighten it of them. But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep, because he was suffering from depression, seasickness and narcolepsy.

He remembered waking up once and wondering why everyone was painting pentagrams on the deck and tossing bricks of Bolivian marching powder into the water. But he was all like, I’m clean, no record.

6 So the shipmaster came to him, and said unto him, What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not. He continued, we’ve tried all our gods but it must be like a bank holiday or something. We keep getting voicemail and automated “Out of the Office” email.

7 And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us cast lots, that we may know for whose cause this evil is upon us. So they cast lots, and the lot fell upon Jonah, mainly because Jonah was the “mark,” and as such, unfamiliar with most of the house rules for casting lots (like collecting the pot for landing on “Free Parking”).

As Jonah's shipmates prepare to off him mob-style, a bunch of unrelated characters wander around doing unrelated things.

8 Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this evil is upon us; What is thine occupation? and whence comest thou? what is thy country? and of what people art thou? And he said, cleverly referencing a true classic, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.

9 And he said unto them, I am an Hebrew; and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, which hath made the sea and the dry land. Oh, and some animals and humans. And a metric shit-ton of rules and regulations. Oh, and he destroyed the earth with a flood a while ago, but I doubt all this rain and such can really be considered another “world-killer.”

10 Then were the men exceedingly afraid, and said unto him. Why hast thou done this? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of the LORD, because he had told them. Unfortunately, there is not much in the sailing field that draws the best and brightest, and so we have situations like this where the men “figure something out” by having someone else tell them the answer. Hence the nickname: The Frat Boys of the Sea.

11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous. And Jonah unwisely said, what do you mean “we,” paleface?

12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you. And they were all over it, barely letting him get past the mid-sentence semi-colon. I mean, the man himself asked for it. But, being rather thick and possibly scurvaceous, they tried Plans B and C first.

Jonah does his best impression of Scott Stapp.

13 Nevertheless the men rowed hard to bring it to the land; but they could not: for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous against them. The LORD was having none of it, ceaselessly making it rain on these midshipmen.

14 Wherefore they cried unto the LORD, and said, We beseech thee, O LORD, we beseech thee, let us not perish for this man’s life, and lay not upon us innocent blood: for thou, O LORD, hast done as it pleased thee. And the LORD, seeing how quickly they deserted their own gods, taunted them viciously, shouting, Where’s your Moses now? which resulted in many continuity errors.

15 So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging. Back to Plan A: bros before stowaways who routinely incite the wrath of God.

16 Then the men feared the LORD exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the LORD, and made vows, most of which they had broken by mid-February and later sold all the “barely-used” exercise equipment on Craigslist.

17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. And the LORD was pleased to the point of smugness and went off to a bash at the Valhalla Gentlemans’ Club to brag about his incredible “pimp hand.”

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 3

November 20, 2009

It’s time for Volume 3 of the prestigious and greatly overrated Fancy Plans’ Biblical remixing series. In this edition, we tackle a passage from the book of Joshua (chapter 5 to be exact) in which we find that being the leader of the nomadic Jews wasn’t all about laying siege to Jericho, but it was also about the tedious detail of running a well-organized tribe. It involves knives and other unmentionables.

Previously on The Bible:Fancy Plans’ Edition:
Vol. 1 – Revelations 22
Vol. 2 – Leviticus 5

A victorious Joshua claims Jericho for his people, setting them up for a lifetime of near-constant circumcisions.

Joshua 5

1 And it came to pass, when all the kings of the Amorites, which were on the side of Jordan westward, and all the kings of the Canaanites, which were by the sea, heard that the LORD had dried up the waters of Jordan from before the children of Israel, until we were passed over, that their heart melted, neither was there spirit in them any more, because of the children of Israel. They cried to the LORD, what the fuck, dude? Our water is gone and our hearts are melted. Morale is like, way low. The last pep rally sucked. Harsh.

2 At that time the LORD said unto Joshua, Make thee sharp knives, and circumcise again the children of Israel the second time. And next time, measure first. It’ll save you a whole lot of trouble.

3 And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins. This is down by Jerry’s place. The guy who has the sign posted in his yard and the windowless van.

4 And this is the cause why Joshua did circumcise: All the people that came out of Egypt, that were males, even all the men of war, died in the wilderness by the way, after they came out of Egypt. And nothing turns boys to men faster than a good old-fashioned wiener chopping. Be sure and chop one high and tight, because you can’t sing “The End of the Road” without an alto.

5 Now all the people that came out were circumcised: but all the people that were born in the wilderness by the way as they came forth out of Egypt, them they had not circumcised. And Joshua said, really, what the fuck? How many people are here total? Because I had taken the earlier number to mean that I was done with the “unpleasantness,” but now it’s a regular bris-a-thon.

6 For the children of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, till all the people that were men of war, which came out of Egypt, were consumed, because they obeyed not the voice of the LORD. They all had their reasons, mainly that it had been four decades without being able to sign anything more than a month-to-month lease. Oh, and all the dick chopping. Unto whom the LORD sware that he would not shew them the land, which the LORD sware unto their fathers that he would give us, a land that floweth with milk and honey, which is all well and good, I suppose. But it does seem a little weak in return to forty years of aimless wandering and crotchal knifings.

7 And their children, whom he raised up in their stead, them Joshua circumcised: for they were uncircumcised, because they had not circumcised them by the way. And Joshua complained, For the love of LORD, can a day go by without me having to get all stabby in people’s crotches? I mean, I love the work but a day off now and then would be fantastic. It’s been forty years of this and I can’t even throw hot dogs on the grill without wanting to head to the back to the tent and decapitate myself.

Joshua, fresh from a "double-header," charges into battle. Not pictured: Foreskin Hill.

8 And it came to pass, when they had done circumcising all the people, that they abode in their places in the camp, till they were whole. Well, mostly whole. They were missing a little foreskin but everyone was free to head up to Foreskin Hill and grab one. Just steer clear of Jerry.

9 And the LORD said unto Joshua, This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from off you. Wherefore the name of the place is called Gilgal unto this day. And Joshua stared at his knives and said, “Whatever.”

10 And the children of Israel encamped in Gilgal, and kept the passover on the fourteenth day of the month at even in the plains of Jericho. Because you just can’t be Jewish without Passover. Or circumcision. Bi-weekly Passovers and near-constant circumcisions.

11 And they did eat of the old corn of the land on the morrow after the passover, unleavened cakes, and parched corn in the selfsame day. And thus began the tradition of brunch, which was used to get rid of last night’s leftovers at a “reasonable” price.

12 And the manna ceased on the morrow after they had eaten of the old corn of the land; neither had the children of Israel manna any more; but they did eat of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year. Goodbye, manna. Hello, old corn. Could things get any better? (No. Hey, get that knife away from me! I’m grandfathered in!)

13 And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand: and Joshua went unto him, and said unto him, Art thou for us, or for our adversaries? Or are you one of the members of the twice-circumcised club? Heehee. “Member.”

14 And he said, Nay; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto him, What saith my Lord unto his servant?

15 And the captain of the LORD’s host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Joshua did so. And hurled it at the captain, swearing vengeance for forty long years of nomadic existence, crappy food and endless foreskinning.

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans’ Edition Vol. 2

November 4, 2009
Leviticus

Due to the atonement rush, burnt offering scalpers are rolling in shekels.

As you may recall, our first edition of the Fancy Plans’ Bible dealt with the final chapter of the final book of the Bible. It was all doomsday and J-Dog/Dawg. Oh, and there was a fine Crystal Pepsi reference about 12 words into it, so that was pretty awesome. (If you don’t remember, click here for Volume One.)

For this week’s selection in heretical re-writing, we’re flipping way back to the third book of the Bible, wherein we find God handing out rules left and right. Apparently the flood didn’t straighten everything out and the Man himself feels it’s time to lay down a few hundred guidelines.

The Ten Commandments is pretty far behind us at this point, but with only 10 of them, some gray areas and loopholes are now being closed by the legal team of Yaweh & Bernstein. Let’s join today’s pre-judgement already in progress…

Leviticus 5

1 And if a soul sin, and hear the voice of swearing, and says, “Good lord! Is that my kid?” and is a witness, whether he hath seen or known of it, we really don’t care. Circumstantial evidence is cool with us, because nothing says Friday afternoon like blood running off an altar. If he do not utter it, then he shall bear his iniquity, like an iniquitous monkey of his back, for a length of time to be determined at sentencing.

2 Or if a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcass of an unclean beast, or a carcass of unclean cattle, or the carcass of unclean creeping things, or your mom’s underwear drawer, or that corpse floating in the drainage ditch and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty, and possibly contagious.

3 Or if he touch the uncleanness of man, whatsoever uncleanness it be that a man shall be defiled withal, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty. And he shall show us on this doll where the uncleanness was touched and for how long and with a whole lot of detail.

4 Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good, whatsoever it be that a man shall pronounce with an oath, and it be hid from him. In fact, it’s kind of a crap shoot. Remember when we had ten commandments that were pretty cut and dried? Those days are over, bitches. Prepare to have the fuck judged out of you with a shifting set of rules not unlike that drinking game we played earlier this morning. When he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty in one of these. Probably “Failure to alphabetize goats by sundown on every third Tuesday.”

5 And it shall be, when he shall be guilty in one of these things, that he shall confess that he hath sinned in that thing. We’ll hear the phrase “I’m guilty of ‘that thing'” a lot, because nothing here is set in stone (well, except for the Ten Commandments). This is all a work in progress. A punishable-by-death work in progress.

6 And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD for his sin which he hath sinned, a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats, for a sin offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his sin, by touching the goat in the “uncleanness.” Repeatedly.

7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering. Better make it three. These ceremonies are time-consuming and we could always throw one on the Foreman altar. Chips and soft drinks will be provided by the priest, if not otherwise detained with goat-touching duties.

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Spying his mom in the line outside, the high priest works quickly to cover up the pot smell.

8 And he shall bring them unto the priest, who shall offer that which is for the sin offering first, and wring off his head from his neck, but shall not divide it asunder. Now, we will want to go back and re-word this as news has reached us of a rash of self-inflicted near-decapitations. To clarify: the priest (x) shall wring the head, almost but not completely, from the body of the offering (y).

9 And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering. Keep in mind that during Mardi Gras and following Christmas/New Year’s Eve office parties, the blood will be running about calf deep. Oh, and bring a calf. You may not remember the three-way in the supply closet, but Ms. Dalton and the toner cartridge sure do.

10 And he shall offer the second for a burnt offering, according to the manner: and the priest shall make an atonement for him for his sin which he hath sinned, and it shall be forgiven him. (Note: forgiveness does not come with a lifetime release of guilt or guilty feelings. Keep your receipt. And drink heavily.)

11 But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any frankincense thereon: for it is a sin offering. You got that, tightwad? All you need to bring is a tenth of whatever the hell that is. A handful, I guess. And don’t be spicing it up either. The last guy tossed a ton of rosemary in it and a little goes a very long way.

12 Then shall he bring it to the priest, and the priest shall take his handful of it, even a memorial thereof, and burn it on the altar, according to the offerings made by fire unto the LORD: it is a sin offering. By the way, today’s topic is: The Sin Offering: The 1,001 Do’s and Don’ts of Sin Offerings.

13 And the priest shall make an atonement for him as touching his sin that he hath sinned in one of these, and it shall be forgiven him: and the remnant shall be the priest’s, as a meat offering. And thus began the great tradition of priests inappropriately touching “sin” and abusing “meat” offerings.

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From ad on Craigslist: "... middle item does have unfortunate 'bug," in which it peels the faces off of non-Christians who look inside of it. No refunds."

14 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

15 If a soul commit a trespass, and sin through ignorance, in the holy things of the LORD; then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish out of the flocks, with thy estimation by shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary, for a trespass offering. Don’t be bringing us those ugly-ass pimpled rams. You know we hate those and everyone of you has tried to ditch these awkward, nerdy rams with us over the past couple of years. And it bears repeating: nothing says atonement like handfuls of cash. You just cannot go wrong there. That would be about the only place that “thou” cannot go wrong.

16 And he shall make amends for the harm that he hath done in the holy thing, and shall add the fifth part thereto, and give it unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering, and it shall be forgiven him. And the priest will make the same joke about whether or not the ram has a “hemi” in it, and you’ll force out a laugh that says you’ve never heard that before, good one, which you had better do, because at this point you’re on his turf.

17 And if a soul sin, and commit any of these things which are forbidden to be done by the commandments of the LORD; though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity. This has been left deliberately vague as a catch-all for anything we may overlook. Like “public nuisance.” Or “being black.”

18 And he shall bring a ram without blemish out of the flock, with thy estimation, for a trespass offering, unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his ignorance wherein he erred and wist it not, and it shall be forgiven him. Once in awhile, everything will work out. And if I may subtly hint again, shekels, my brothers. Shekels make the flat world go round.

19 It is a trespass offering: he hath certainly trespassed against the LORD. You see those caps? That means we’re serious.

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 1

October 29, 2009
amplified_bible

This one goes to 11.

(A quick explanation on this post: This is actually culled from a comment thread over at Stop Annoying Me, the Internet’s finest source for booze-powered cynicism. Tannerleah takes on a variety of topics including soccer moms, John Gosselin, Randy Quaid’s stick-up techniques and pretty much anything else that reeks of stupidity/calculated bullshit.

A man among bloggers, TannerLeah has single-handedly revived such classic ideas as abusing yourself to June Cleaver fantasies, proudly sporting visible erections pretty much everywhere, comparing self-promotion to walking around with your “thingy” out and livening up even the dryest subject matter with biting wit and cleavage shots.

This particular post dealt with the newest “end of the world” hysteria, which posits that the Mayans have that shit down cold, thanks to the combination of outdated calendar systems and “noble savage” assumptions. TL asked for a Biblical perspective, which is exactly what follows this long-winded opening statement.

Some of you may have seen this already. Please try to keep the spoilers to yourself until everyone has had a chance to read it. Thank you. And thanks to TL for allowing me to reclaim my comment and walk around acting like this is “new” content.)

22:1 He showed me a river of water of life, clear as crystal Pepsi, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb,

22:2 in the middle of its street, home to Madness (but not Bedlam – that phrase is copyrighted). On this side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruits, 25 kinds of vegetables, and several fine shoulder cuts. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations, being all aloe vera and shit.

22:3 There will be no curse any more. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants serve him, all piling into the throne like so many clowns into a VW.

22:4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads (THIS END UP).

22:5 There will be no night, and they need no lamp light; for the Lord God will illuminate them, with a very powerful form of radiation, which the idiots will call “The Light of the Lord,” and which will not be safely recyclable. They will reign forever and ever, weather permitting.

22:6 He said to me, “These words are faithful and true. The Lord God of the spirits of the prophets sent his angel to show to his bond, James, bondservants the things which must happen soon, which is a very relative measure and not at all quantifiable. Like a handswidth. Or a cubit.

22:7Behold, I come quickly, He warned the ladies, retrospectively considering that ‘Beware’ may have been a better choice of word. Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy of this book, which will be tough, because the hole punch is on the fritz.

22:8 Now I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. When I heard and saw, I fell down to worship before the feet of the angel who had shown me these things, so I really didn’t have the best vantage point for seeing, per se, but trust me on this.

22:9 He said to me, “See you don’t do it! I am a fellow bond, James, bondservant with you and with your brothers, the prophets, and with those who keep the words of this book/Trapper Keeper. Worship God. Duh.

22:10 He said to me, “Don’t seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is at hand, and as I mentioned before, the hole punch is failing at the only thing it’s supposed to do.

22:11 He who acts unjustly, let him act unjustly still. He who is filthy, let him be filthy still. He who is righteous, let him do righteousness still. He who is holy, let him be holy still. Or whatever. We’re not here to judge. We’ll leave that for the Baptists.

22:12Behold, I come quickly,” He warned again, only fainter as He was about ready to come. “My reward is with me, to repay to each man according to his work, except for Judas, that cheap-skating bastard. He’d sell his own mother if she was on fire… or something.

22:13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, the Entrance and the Exit, the Up and the Down, the Parking Light and the Highbeams.

22:14 Blessed are those who do his commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter in by the gates into the city, because they’re gates. They’ll be clearly marked “Entrance.”

22:15 Outside are the dogs, the sorcerers, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. You know, we may just hang out here for awhile. Everything on the inside is sort of like early morning cheerfulness, only 24-7.

22:16 I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify these things to you for the assemblies. I am the root and the offspring of David; the Bright and Morning Star. See other nicknames above. You can also call me J-Dog.

22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” He who hears, let him say, “Come!” He who is thirsty, let him come. And He will reply, I already did. Sorry. I was hoping we wouldn’t make a big deal out of this. Screw it. You want a beer? Or three?”

22:18 I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book, if anyone adds to them, may God add to him the plagues which are written in this book. I’m serious about this. Don’t do anything more than add your own impressions, beliefs, outdated behaviors and hatred towards women. Other than that, try to at least keep the gist of it. God & stuff.

22:19 If anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, may God take away his part from the tree of life, and out of the holy city, which are written in this book, which is now blowing away in the wind. Stupid &$%$# hole punch.

22:20 He who testifies these things says, “Yes, I come quickly.” Amen! Yes, come, Lord Jesus. (Thanks for bringing that up. Again. Why don’t you just put it on a t-shirt or something.)

22:21 The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with all the saints. Amen. By the way – Re: 2012. You may want to carry an umbrella or something that year.

-CLT