Archive for April, 2009

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Playing for the Other Team

April 30, 2009
A young Specter exchanges conscience, soul in exchange for lifelong employment.

A young Specter prepares to exchage conscience, soul for lifelong public employment.

Arlen Specter’s recent “defection” to the Democratic side had cause a bit of an uproar recently. And why? I mean, honestly, who gives a shit?

It’s not like he suddenly switched from “career politician” to “useful member of society,” is it? Or suddenly got up and started pushing through a serious term limits bill or ended the automatic pay raise system (where you get a bump just for not showing up). Or stated that he was ending his 29-year charade as a public servant and returning his salary to the general public.

Make no mistake about this move. It’s all about getting reelected. He has been not so subtly hinting that he may need some help winning his upcoming primary. His close friend Biden has pretty much guaranteed some first-class stumping from him and his boss.

And it’s not as though he hasn’t allowed the winds of public opinion to shift his platform before. He was elected as the D.A. for the city of Philadelphia as a registered Democrat running on a Republican ticket.

So, what does it all mean?

Who fucking cares? As a career politician with a history of inserting one finger to the wind and the other nine into our back pockets, does it really make any difference? Oh, sure. It takes the Dems one vote closer to ironclad filibuster-proofing. Bully for them.

But while the non-stopping mugging of our children’s children continues, does it really matter which team the thugs are playing for?

-CLT

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 2

April 29, 2009

Volume 2 – Professor Farnsworth, Hermes Conrad & Dr. John Zoidberg

Another pack of exciting quotes, compiled by hand with little regard to clarity or comprehensiveness. Use them at your next NA meeting, MLM conference, PETA protest or any other acronym-related activity.

Even I thought I was insane when I came up with my latest invention...

Even I thought I was mad when I came up with my latest invention...

Professor Farnsworth

  • Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!
  • If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the Angry Dome!
  • Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you.
  • Sweet zombie Jesus!
  • Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs?
  • Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news!
  • Oh dear! She’s stuck in an infinite loop, and he’s an idiot! Well, that’s love for you.
  • I’m sciencing as fast as I can!
  • I can wire anything directly into anything – I’m the professor!
  • In his absence I am calling a mandatory company meeting. To the mandatorium!
  • Oh, I never knew how much I’d miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.
  • My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable!
  • There’s just one little problem, and it’s a big one.
  • Good God! Just knowing we’re in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo!
  • Choke on that, causality!
  • Everyone’s always in favour of saving Hitler’s brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooohh! Suddenly you’ve gone too far!
  • Tonight’s a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.
  • Now, now! There’ll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.
  • If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo.
  • I don’t know how to teach. I’m a professor!
  • This is uncomfortable and humiliating! Now, if they could put it the form of a suppository…
  • Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can’t have either one.
  • Don’t do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case for the love of God. Don’t not do it!
  • Yes, yes, yes! You sound like a broken mp3.
  • With that big new Romanticorp contract, I’ve been able to make those government mandated upgrades you’ve all been suing me about.
  • This isn’t a business. I’ve always thought of it more as a source of cheap labor. Like a family.
  • Very well! Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!
  • A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished! Oh, the Jedi’s are going to feel this one.
  • Oh no! I should do something….but I am already in my pajamas.
  • Some say I’m robbing the cradle, but I say she’s robbing the grave.
  • I only have a few years left to live, I don’t want to spend them dead.
  • That’s whatever you were talking about for you…
  • I’m beginning to think there’ll be no forced mating at all.
  • Perhaps it is your attitude that needs a good bending! A 90º bending! To a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
  • It’s the Apocalypse all right. I always knew I’d have a hand in it.
  • Ah, to be young again, and also a robot.
  • This thing isn’t worth the gold it’s made of.
  • So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
  • That’s going to bleed when my heart beats.
  • Who needs courage when you have… a gun!

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Time.com Declares Your Opinion moot

April 28, 2009

moot

The Time Hot 100 Most Influential poll is completed. Music Machinery has a couple of excellent posts on 4chan’s triumphant carpetbombing (pre-captcha and post-captcha).

Time, Inc. has responded to their complete failure with all the dignity and good humor of a visiting relative who’s just had their suit ruined by your food-throwing progeny. They admit to being hacked (a little) and that they might have screwed up (a little). They do not admit to any hasty barn-door closing after noticing moot had racked up 12+ million votes in a record amount of time.

But what really screams, “I CAN TAKE A JOKE. HA-HA!” through clenched teeth is this quote (from Time.com managing editor Josh Tyrangiel):

“I would remind anyone who doubts the results that this is an Internet poll,” he says. “Doubting the results is kind of the point.”

O RLY?

Had this poll gone as planned (or at least set up with the bare minimum of security) and someone like their man Obama (whom they have publicly fellated for months with all the dignity of a hammered sorority girl) taken the top spot, would they still have trotted out this, “You internet people are stupid and don’t know shit about shit” line?

Not to sound pretentious, but go fuck yourself, you pompous asshole. You’re fucked in the head if you think that 90% of that list has any influence over the “future of America.” No wonder the print world can’t deal with the rise of the internet. They continue to drip condescension over every blog that beats them to a punch or points out their fallibility.

Go ahead and wave that journalism degree and blame everyone who has gone elsewhere for news. You’re about as relevant and needed as a Betamax instruction book.

Maybe you’ll play it safe next year and allow your print subscribers to fill out handwritten 3×5 cards and mail them in. This way you can join hands in solidarity with another bloated dinosaur who could use a spike in business.

-CLT

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 1

April 27, 2009

Volume 1 – Zapp Brannigan and Bender Bending Rodriguez

With a little tweaking any of these quotes could be shoehorned into your next awkward situation, be it business meeting, first date, intervention or distant relative’s funeral.

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Zapp Brannigan

  • Oh, god. I’ve never been so happy to be beat up by a woman.
  • In the game of intergalactic chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
  • Come back when it’s a catastrophe.
  • If we hit that bulls-eye rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
  • My strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it.
  • When I’m in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
  • I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan. At your service.
  • You know, I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.
  • If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
  • I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
  • We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
  • Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream: to kill him, so we don’t have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.
  • Same speed ahead!
  • Ladies, you’re under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again.
  • Hell of a thing sending another universe to certain doom. Lots of fun, though. Makes a man feel big.
  • The quickest way to a girl’s bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in.
  • I’ve never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about.
  • Teenagers all smoke, and they seem pretty on the ball.
  • You win again, gravity!
  • Call me cocky, but if there’s an alien out there I can’t kill I haven’t met him and killed him yet.
  • Stop exploding you cowards!
  • What makes a man turn neutral… Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
  • Perhaps I could paint the fence, or service you sexually? Or mop the floors.
  • Let me ask you a serious question: Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine…
  • Fly the white flag of war!

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The Evolution of a Schoolyard Myth

April 25, 2009
Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

A brief look at the development of schoolyard mythology, your child’s greatest and most trusted source of disinformation.

Let’s say that Thom (Kid A) has awakened late at night in search of a refreshing drink of water. As he approaches his parents’ bedroom, he hears unusual noises and decides to quietly enter rather than throw the door open wide and launch himself across the room.

To Thom’s young mind, there is a dark and mysterious battle being waged in his parents’ bed. And Dad winning. Or at least he was, but Mom seems to have the upper hand now! Either way, Thom is faced with many unsavory choices, none of which will spare him from awkward looks and forced conservation from his parents in the days to come.

Perhaps his parents will have a brief “bird-and-bees” chat with him for the five minutes they see him each morning. This will undoubtedly raise more questions than answers, and will most likely be handled with all the skill and grace of a move from the window seat to the aisle in the coach section.

“Thom… when a mommy and daddy, after 13 years of marriage, can tolerate each other…” There may be some consolation and the promise that everyone involved is okay, if just a little hungover.

Thom will now take this information to the school. From here, he may run into Charles (Kid B) and give him a rundown of his last twelve hours. Charles may be able to add or subtract from this equation, mainly based on a.) the number of older siblings he has or b.) the number of premium movie channels he has.

The combined knowledge (A+/-B) will be taken to a relative expert, the twice-pregnant sixth grader who is now enjoying the benefits of the state’s “Two Strikes and You’re Tied” program. Tracey (Kid C-mother of Kid C2 & C3) will begin to fill out the picture.

This occurs countless times over the next several days. Depending on the noises and gestures made during Thom’s recounting of this event, there may be additional conversations from his parents, teachers and the principal to factor in.

All involved may feel it is best left to the school’s health class to straighten Thom out. However, due to religious interference, the greatly emasculated “Sex Ed” will be unable to meet the challenge, and will most likely follow this route:

“Sex. Don’t do it. If you feel you might be doing it, please stop and speak to an adult. If you are with an adult while this is happening, please stop and speak to a policeman.”

This load of information will unravel and reknit itself several times. The adults will be unwilling to add anything useful to this and the children will let their imaginations run free.

A couple of weeks down the road, the teachers will be shocked to find the schoolchildren disappearing behind the outer buildings to rub daisies on each other as a test of their love for butter.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

[By the way, the rubbing a daisy on a person’s arm to see if they like butter has its roots in the ancient tradition of some Amazonian tribes. However, their test for food reactions/allergies involved using the adrenal glands of a river eel, which had to be removed while the fish was still alive!]

-CLT

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Oh, That Jason!

April 24, 2009

fifties105

Developed by the fledgling Fox network in the early 1950’s, Oh That Jason!was the anchor of their Saturday night lineup (“You Can’t Un-Watch It!”) from 1953-55. Hailed by critics as “horrifying,” “reprehensible” and “relentlessly depraved,” Oh That Jason!has nonetheless gained a small cult following among the readers of Alan Truitt’s depressingly funny blog, Sick Days.

Below are some highlights of Oh That Jason’s three season run:

Debut Episode
We meet Jason’s family (wife Mary, son John and daughter Amy) as well as being introduced to their farming neighbors, Willie, Ethel and their son, Jed. With Willie away on business, Ethel takes over the “man’s work.” Hilarity ensues as Ethel realizes she is over her head and loses an arm to the combine.

Episode 8
Jason’s wife tries to organize a community garden but is incarcerated by the local police following a tip from a visiting Joseph McCarthy. Meanwhile, John puts into practice some valuable lessons gleaned from his literature assignment, Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.” Hilarity ensues. Special Guest: Joseph McCarthy as himself, delivering a speech on the dangers of mutual effort.

Episode 12
Jason takes a business trip to Las Vegas, where some associates talk him into visiting a burlesque house. Jason is in the clear until he runs into his wife’s sister Emma, a burlesque performer. After a long night “out with the boys,” Jason finds himself racing to the airport to make his plane. Will he remember that Emma’s body is still in the rental car trunk? Hilarity ensues.

Episode 16
Jason’s neighborhood association greets the newest addition to their suburb, a Negro family from Alabama. They waste no time welcoming them by constructing them their own set of bathrooms, a seat on the bus and their very own table near the rear of the local eatery! Unfortunately, their new neighbors soon return to Alabama after discovering they possess the most flammable lawn on the block.

Episode 23
When their neighbors are suddenly called away for a family emergency, Jason and his family offer to watch their new infant until they return. Hilarity ensues as the child proves to be a handful. Jason’s wife discovers that a car ride seems to calm the baby and Jason makes the best of the situation by organizing a late night road trip to Safe Haven, Nebraska. Special guest: Gilbert Gottfried as the Colicky Baby.

Episode 26
In a crossover with Leave It to Beaver, Jason’s son John becomes fed up with Wally’s conniving, two-faced shit and beats him to death in the basement. Hilarity ensues as the family comes together to cover up the hideous crime.

Episode 32
In this very special Christmas episode, daughter Amy volunteers at the local soup kitchen. She overhears some of the patrons speaking about “riding a white horse.” She trails them to the “wrong side of the tracks,” where she learns a little drug slang and a lot about life. As the police sweep in to deliver a savage beating to the strung-out addicts, Amy breathes a sigh of relief and vows never to help anyone again.

Episode 37
Returning from a business trip to Mexico, Jason agrees to help out a kindly stranger by carrying his bag through customs. Unfortunately, the bag is full of marijuana and Jason is detained by the local police. Hilarity ensues as the situation is sorted out. Jason finally returns home to his wife, telling her, “There are no hard feelings. The police were just doing their job. And, as usual, they did it half-assed.” Jason and Mary enjoy this delicious pun as he points to the baggies of black-tar heroin floating in the toilet. Special guest: Charlton Heston as Detective Edward Mendoza. 

Episode 44
Summer has arrived and Jason takes his family on vacation to a log cabin in the woods. While reading some selections from a leather-bound set of Good Housekeeping magazines, Jason inadvertently awakens an evil deep within the forest. Hilarity ensues as the family fights off evil trees, reanimated corpses and Jason’s own hand, which has gone evil.

Episode 51
In this season finale turned series finale, Jason’s son John has a “Who’s on First” type conversation with his coach while trying to explain how exactly he “plays for the other team.” Hilarity ensues.

-CLT

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Vanilla Ice Presents Compare/Contrast/Sue v2

April 24, 2009
Ice displays his "Shocker" prototype.

Ice displays his "Shocker" prototype.

[The following feature with Rob Van Winkle, a.k.a. Vanilla Ice has been edited for length and clarity.]

Word, dawgs. Vanilla Ice back again, dropping some music science all over your blogging asses. Heavy shit, yo.

Hope this internet shit starts taking off, yo. Shit is tight for the V-Dog. Rent-A-Center says they coming for my kick-ass living room set in about a week if I can’t pull some green out of my ass. Fuck em. They can have the shit. Good luck getting some of those stains out. I tried fucking everything. But the cushions is flipped so you can’t hardly tell.

But I ain’t dwelling on that shit. Got some gigs in the pipeline. My bro Todd’s nephew’s bar mitzvah’s coming up. And I’m still on the short list for the Westeria Mall opening. But that’s a tough gig to get. Both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson is signed up and those mall people always want to bring in the chick crowd.

Fuck, dawg, I’m all about the ladies. I’m still in my prime. I put on a little weight but you can’t hardly tell. Still toned like I was in that “Sex” book. Still trying to tan twice a week, but it’s tough. Denny’s says if I miss another day, I’m out of a job. Fuck em. I’m running my ass of there 24 hours a week. Who the fuck has that kind of spare time? Seriously. I should bust some ninja shit on them. Go Turtle go! Go Ninja go! Ninja something… turtles in the house… turtles… ninja… ninja go.. bust it up…

[ed. – At this point, Ice begins to sob quietly. Then, embarrassingly, much louder. Ice alternates between broken “Ninja Rap” lyrics, cursing at me and telling me to “get the fuck out, bitch,” apologizing to me, and seeing if I “got a spare $20 until next week.” Rob mixes himself a couple of Cosmos, slams them and disappears into the bathroom. He reappears about 10 minutes later, somewhat more composed.]

Anyway. You heard about this shit? Somebody’s making a hip hop documentary. That bitch from 3rd Bass called up just to tell me he got interviewed. Pussy-ass bitch. Fucking talking head. 3rd Bass was never no “cultural phenomenon.” That’s straight out of US Magazine. You could look it up. He can talk it up, but he wasn’t tapping that fine Madonna ass back in the day. That was all V-Dog, going deep. Fuck yeah, bro! You know what I’m saying!

[ed. – Rob gestures for a “high five.” I comply and catch him on the rebound. He then asks to borrow my cellphone telephone, as his “Trac-phone got all the minutes used up. Long distance is supposed to be free so how come all them 900 numbers cost so fucking much?”]

Hey, mom. It’s Rob.
Yeah. Yeah. Things is alright. Got some gigs lined up.
You know anybody at the Westeria Mall?
I don’t know. I just thought all you grownups knew other people. I mean, you’d shop there, right?
Anyway, I gots some stuff lined up but it ain’t all in place yet. I was wondering if I could borrow like $500 or so until the end of this month.
Mom. Mom! Stop yelling.
Mom! They’re gonna take my fuckin furniture! What am I supposed to do?
Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to swear. Sorry.
I did ask Dad.
He said, “I’m changing my locks and my phone number.”
For reals.
He also said, “If there are any parents more ashamed of their offspring, it could only be Mr. and Mrs. Federline.”
Mom. Mom. It’s not that funny.
Anyways…
Could you help me out? Maybe just a couple of hundred?
By the end of this month. Early next month at the latest.
Thanks. I’ll have it back soon. For reals. Bye, Mom.

Awesome. Now I can get properly weeded, dawg. But that’s for later. What are we hearing today?

Wire – Three Girl Rhumba.mp3

Wow. That went by fast. These dudes are from Britain. Holy shit, look at the size of that Wikipedia disambiguation page. I’m gonna need to tighten up before I do any more research. Keep that brain lubricated.

[ed. – I do a couple of shots of Apple Pucker with the “V-Dog”.]

It’s the research, dog. It’s what puts me ahead of that pussy Everlast. That and my ninja turtle shit. Go ninja go!

Elastica – Connection.mp3

Sheeit. An all-chick band? I thought that was just in the cartoons. Well, I guess Courtney Love had the Hole thing. She look like she’d be a freak in the sack, know what I’m sayin? But, she probably, like, want to pee on you or some other weird bullshit. Oh well, takes all kinds.

Verdict: These songs are like when two chicks show up at the party wearing the same thing and one of them runs out crying and the other chick who stayed at the party sleeps with the crying chick’s boyfriend.

I say sue. Fuck em.

Thanks for popping in. Now I gots to go see my man about a plant. V-Dog out.

Vanilla Ice Presents Compare/Contrast/Sue v1

-CLT