Posts Tagged ‘Blogging’

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A Quickstart Guide to Blogging with WordPress

November 23, 2010

Eyeball embedding - $29/year. Check under "Upgrades" on your Dashboard. (Use your good eye.)

Welcome to WordPress!

Starting with your first post, the future is today! There has never been a better time to be alive and have opinions, as our easy-to-use features will have you up and running in no time!

It’s time for you to set free those unedited (and unspellchecked) thoughts and start “bringing the noise,” WordPress-style! Are you ready to become part of our exclusive team of over 200 million bloggers?

[If the answer is “Yes!” please proceed.]

Excellent! We’ll just need a valid email address.

[Don’t have one? Well, no worries, Luddite. You’re still free to peruse our selection of 500+ million blogs (only one-third of which are abandoned) and view our inserted ads. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to actually “blog” and will be mocked incessantly by those who joined the 20th century back when it was still the 20th century.]

Naming Your Blog

Now that the confirmation is out of the way, you’re ready to begin! We’ve chosen your username as the default URL (laydeekillah64) but you can call your blog anything you want. Before you choose, you may want to consider your blog’s subject matter. Here are some ideas:

  • I like shopping!
  • I like CPM!
  • I have advice!
  • I know stuff!
  • I share music!*
  • I’m Wiccan!
  • I’m easily entertained!
  • I have ADD!
  • I’m not sure if I agree with your politics!
  • I don’t do research!
  • My mom thinks I’m funny!
  • ICP4EVAH!!1!
*Your blog has been deleted for Terms of Service violations! Thanks for playing!

Now that you’ve figured out what you want to write about (ICP4EVAH!!1!), it’s time to set your title (ICP4EVAH!!1!). Don’t worry. For maximum confusion, you can change this at any time via your header options.

Ah... "Default." Excellent choice.

Choosing a Theme

It’s time to choose a theme! We currently have hundreds to choose from, so feel free to spend the next several hours perusing them before settling on one of the five that are actually useful/attractive. Or just leave it set to the default (see above), which will give your blog that timeless “almost abandoned” look.

Getting Readers to Your Blog

Now that you’re (presumably) writing, it’s time to get some readers. After all, if no one’s reading your posts, then your blog (and, by extension, you) has no reason to exist. You have plenty of options available to get that Pageview ball rolling!

Oh, look! Over 350,000 "Observational Humour" blogs, 349,000 of which include zero instances of either "observations" or "humour."

Blog Catalog, Blogger, etc.

With a simple but complex signup routine, your new blog will now have the opportunity to be ignored by thousands of new readers, all of whom are loudly promoting their own blogs. By harnessing the collective power of hundreds of self-interested parties, you should be exchanging links with India-based new scrapers and shady Vietnamese porn sites in no time at all!

This cute little "Digger" symbolizes the thousands of users furiously burying your submission.

Digg

It may take some time to get your blog seen by this unfocused and rigged popularity contest, but if you manage to make the elusive front page, look out! Your page will soon be overrun with thousands of one-time visitors! Those few who choose to leave a comment will most likely point out that they’ve seen all of this before, usually several decades ago or caustically correct your grammatical errors. You may also find yourself completely out of bandwidth and on the receiving end of sternly worded messages from your hosting network. Fun, fun, fun!

The WordPress Dartboard O' Instant Noteriety

Freshly Pressed

Outside of Digg, nothing will give you a larger temporary stat boost than being “Freshly Pressed.” Our crack team of blogologists scan new posts daily, looking for new, exciting posts that meet our randomly enforced criteria.

If you should find yourself “Freshly Pressed,” brace yourself for an onslaught of new readers and commenters who will congratulate you on your “Freshly Pressed” status before wandering off to the “next ‘big thing’/link on the list,” leaving you feeling like a former child star whose Disney-propelled ship has suddenly sailed, thanks to the onset of adolescent ugliness.

Commenting

There is perhaps no easier way to get new “eyes” on your blog than through commenting. Visit other like-minded blogs and leave insightful/hilarious comments (see examples below). If other commenters are intrigued by your brilliant insight/humor, they need only to click on your name to visit your site.

  • “Insightful!”
  • “Great job!”
  • “Check out the blog!”
  • www.laydeekillah64.wordpress.com
  • “Hilarious!”
  • “You guys are soooooooo funny!!!!”
  • “LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!”
  • “Acai Berry Flavored Viagra Cheap!”
  • “I just wrote something dealing with this exact subject at my blog, only approaching it from the angle of writing about something completely different! Please click on my link!”

 

Conclusion

Now that you are armed with all the information you’ll ever need ever, get blogging! Remember these two adages:

– You’re only as good as your last post!
– The Internet abhors a vacuum!

Good luck!

-CLT

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I’m Back, Baby.

November 11, 2010

The drunken, profane robot has spoken.

Now, as many of you are probably asking yourselves right now: “Who the hell are you and why should I care?” And rightly so. I have been gone quite awhile. Most of you have continued on with your lives and blogging in my absence. Some, unfortunately, haven’t.

Don Mills finally decided to give the young people of the world a break and get on with retiring. Tragically, this leaves a gaping hole in the “youngster bashing” arena which no one can properly fill, not even pale imitation Clifton Tanager and his rambling, horrific anecdotes. Even more tragic, his absence will only encourage the youth of America, as his removal will confirm (in their tiny minds) that if you say “STFU” loud enough, for long enough, your tormentor(s) will eventually go away.

It’s kind of a shitty message to be sending, but hopefully it’ll just sail over their underdeveloped heads like pretty much everything else.

Fundamental Jelly also called it a day (mostly), taking his camera and dry wit with him. Another gaping hole left in the internet which won’t be filled anytime soon, as sharp-eyed photographers rarely possess devastatingly understated humour. (Seriously, when was the last time that Annie Leibovitz made you laugh?)

Of course, like all the greats, he left an opening for a possible sequel.

But the rest of you kept on going. And look at you, all grown up and sprouting facial hair and posts all over the place! (Especially you, Scott.)

Bschooled has added Facebook-trolling to her bag of hilarious tricks. Vodka and Ground Beef changed her template but not her delightfully wrong take on world events. Ruby Two Shoes’ quality hasn’t dropped although her post count has. Ulysses over at Hidden Leaves is shifting focus as well, resulting in fewer posts by still delivering tons of insight. And new blogroll addition Imperfect Enjoyment (found via this piece at Defenestration Mag) continues to drop nearly scatological science on subjects from questionable hairstyles to 50 Cent’s inappropriate contact with an underaged Soulja Boy.

But enough about you, what about me?

Let’s recap:

RF Interference appeared periodically to dispense advice on clothing, HBO and other such matters usually left untouched, which somehow touched off a turf war in the comment threads. After several days and several thousand words, RF was declared the winner, thanks to his immaculate embedding of a JPEG in the comment thread.

We received our first DMCA takedown notice, which oddly enough left the music selections unscathed. However, it did rob this post of a fine photo of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and its attendant Scott Stapp bashing. However, it can be argued (and it has…) that the caption is equally effective without the photo.

Various submissions were rejected (where “various” = “a majority”) but amazingly, a few broke through. Two at Defenestration:

One more appeared at The Big Jewel:

Some of these will look familiar to long-time readers, but some significant editing (for the better) went into the Big Jewel post and the Coach Rafferty piece has never appeared here on the blog.

McSweeney’s remains unfazed by my onslaught of submissions, countering each one like a jaded tennis instructor returning the serves of uninterested 13-year-old students.

A River and Sound Review served up the best rejection, shattering all my illusions about the selection process:

“Thank you for sending us “Concert Review” for consideration. However, after reading it, we have decided not to use it.”

This new “reading submissions” editorial scheme does not bode well for my untitled (and 99% unwritten) novel.

To sum up: it’s good to be back. I’ve missed this. And I learned two things while away:

1. When you stop writing, you stop writing.
2. There’s nothing easier than not writing.

So, fortunately or unfortunately, I need this kind of pressure to stay creative. Thanks for reading.

-CLT

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Of Pipes, Trilbys and Events That Never Happened

June 1, 2010

This guy looks familiar as all hell...

Announcing the blog debut of the best-kept worst-kept “secret” in this corner of blogland: Clifton L. Tanager, unreliable narrator.

Extensive thanks are in order for Don Mills, without whom this personality would not exist. Several months ago Don asked me to write a piece for his blog, The Problem with Young People Today Is… Unfortunately, due to circumstances both seemingly fortuitous and mostly out of his control, this piece never saw the light of day. Although he never made his official published debut, Clifton soldiered on as a rambling commenter on various blogs.

(I’ve selected a few favorites below if you’re unfamiliar with his disturbing and dislocated monologues. All links will open in a new window.)

More articulate, meandering and deliberate than my usual self, the other “CLT” tends to steer clear of musical advice, expletives and very little else. For every “fuck” that is unspoken, a horrifying story of wartime venereal disease rises in its place. For every up-to-the-minute band that goes undiscussed, another soul-crushing workplace anecdote is recounted.

Available now in blog form, Clifton L. Tanager will be giving you a weekly dosage of advice you don’t need and answers you didn’t ask for, only at:

Unsolicited Advice

-CLT

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Capitalist Lion Tamer University!

February 16, 2010

CLTU: Putting the "drab" back in "drab, faceless college."

As the world’s foremost authority on all things “bloggy,” Capitalist F.* Lion Tamer is hereby joining every Mom and Pop university in the dipping of our collective wick into the trillion-dollar nightmare that is public funding.

*The “Fucking” is optional, but heavily encouraged.

Announcing the grand opening of the Capitalist Lion Tamer University, featuring a catalog of courses and degrees that rival such heralded institutions as UC-Santa Cruz (Home of the Fighting Banana Slugs) and PS 114 (Detroit). We are now accepting applications from open-minded and open-walleted students.

Wordsmithing 101: Beating English at its Own Game

Advanced Parentheses: The Where, When and How of Parenthetic Overuse (includes “Basic Bracketting” and “When in Doubt, Em Dash”)

Dialogue Basics: How to make something no one would ever, ever say sound natural, mainly by using colons to indicate that, yes, this is dialogue.

Running Gags: 1,001 Uses for a Beaten, Dead Horse

Cheapshots and Bullshit: Did someone say “Branson, MO” and “Woodworking?”

Proofreading is for Pussies: If spellcheck didn’t catch it, most likely no one else will.

Debate: Presenting One-Sided Arguments Self-Righteously (Two keys: authoritative links, f-bombs.)

Commenting 101: Why Leave Every Half-Baked Idea at Home?

Character Assassination: Featuring keynote speeches from guest speakers Clive F.* Cussler, Chad “Penis” Kroeger and “Pistol” Pete Doherty.

*This “Fucking” is mandatory.

The Music Industry: Dealing with the RIAA, BMI, ASCAP and all those other fuckers who keep trying to steal my stolen music.

Blogging Basics: Start small. For instance, choose a manageable subject like all of rock and roll or the Bible.

Remedial Narcissism: Failure to pass this course will cause your blog to be deleted.

CLTU: Putting the "You" back in "University!"

Where’s the Hell is My Book Deal? and Other Ridiculous Questions

The World Isn’t Actually Beating a Path to Your Virtual Door: It’s Just Google Image Search

How to Listen to Music: Now with easily-downloadable songs, optional earphones.

Pop Culture Vomitorium: The Brain Scrapings of Prof. CLT

Shop Class: Construct a blog using only recycled gags, swear words and stolen pictures. (Passing grade awarded to “brilliant/timeless” posts only.)

Solidarity!: Bringing the Anglo World Together by Randomly Co-opting British/Canadian Spelling/Slang

Holy Fuck! My Brain Ran Out of… Stuff!: Fallback Careers for the Early-Peaking Blogger (letter writing campaigns, MSN Money columnist, “Fuck” Inserter for Mamet/Scorsese)

(Note: A. Truitt and C. Collins have been placed on academic suspension for failure to meet minimum attendance requirements.
The staff at CLTU would like to remind R. Rooster and D. Mills that turning in work once a week (no matter how brilliant) is no replacement for doing the daily assignments.
T. Leah and S. Zodi – Please note that all accidents and injuries (priapism/broken coccyx) must be cleared with staff 4-6 weeks prior to occurence. This also holds true for any other unplanned events (sexual harassment suits/weeklong benders) that may cause further absences.
Congratulations to B. Schooled and D. McGinley for their perfect attendance!)

-CLT

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Reason #1,443 for Running a Blog

July 27, 2009

tetramaster

…to advertise your wife’s brand-spanking-new photoblog, Tetra Master.

Thanks in advance for those of you kind enough to stop by. There may be some construction going on now and then, so you may want to wear a hat.

Those of you who can name the Squaresoft game that this blog title comes from will win a Buddy-Jesus quality thumbs up from yours truly, and will be placed firmly in the “Nerd” section. (Don’t worry, it’s well-attended.)

-CLT

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A Day in the Life of a Journalist

June 23, 2009
Hammering out yet another groundbreaking expose of school lunch menus...

Hammering out yet another groundbreaking expose of school lunch menus...

We’ve taken a look at the average blogger’s average day. Now let’s head over the educated half (degrees and such) and see how they live.

Over a breakfast of egg white-only omelets and Wild Turkey, peruse competing newspapers; Google self.

Board the subway. Crank iPod up to listen to John Sturm’s latest podcast dealing with the Internet’s lack of reliable reporting. Surreptitiously check self for irony.

Enter office. Tell Maureen Dowd you think she’s lost some weight. She growls and takes a drunken swing at you. Note to self: Should probably double-check your sources.

The reporter's best friend... except in "Naked Lunch"

The reporter's best friend... except in "Naked Lunch"

Gaze thoughtfully at your typewriter, admiring its ruthless efficiency and clean lines. Leave a note for the cleaning crew to have it dusted.

Fire up computer. Peruse email.

  • Latest LOLCAT
  • From the County Sheriff’s Dept. – Congratulations! You’ve just been served!
  • University of Phoenix Online – Stuck with the wrong degree?
  • все представить

Do some more “research” on this fascinating Ms. California. Set office IM to Do Not Disturb – “Researching”.

Head for local pub for more “research.” Tell yourself it’s important to touch base with the common man. Even (or perhaps, especially) if “Conspiracy Gary” is the only common man drinking this early.

Head to public library. Use their IP to edit your Wikipedia page.

Duck into Bacharach and see if Phil Alper can recommend a more “journalistic” fedora.

Check in with the boss and ask him if the paper’s website paywall is turning a profit. Dodge obscenities and empty whiskey bottles.

Start up a blog as an outlet for all the stories (see below) the boss wouldn’t let you run. Once again, run self-check for irony. Clean!

Prepare “Apples vs. Oranges” talking points for “Free is Not a Business Model” presentation.

Affect a general knowledge of passing trends while writing a vicious takedown on Crocs and the people who wear them.

Make some calls to verify whether or not high school renovations are actually on schedule.

Check on the paper’s latest “revenue stream.” Google “Google+Newspaper+Sue.” Again, nothing on the irony meter.

Get interns started on new poll: The Internet: Stupid or Worthless?

Head to lunch. Admire the restraint of those who can hold a “three martini lunch” to just three martinis.

Admire your diploma. Note that is has not one, but two, typos. Curse loudly.

Regret not going into the family business: topping and blocking hats.

Consider a career change. What business would benefit most from your misplaced superiority and your ability to ask inappropriate questions at awkward times? Telemarketing? Loan officer? STD Clinic?

Three Pulitzer Prizes and counting...

Three Pulitzer Prizes and counting...

Prepare emergency kit of hard liquor, painkillers and ego-salve prior to upcoming interviews with author Harlan Ellison, singer Lou Reed and musician Billy Bob Thornton.

Look over draft of “Obama & Family Dine at Sardi’s”. Notes from your editor – “Needs 20% more puff. And try to smile while you write this. People can tell.”

Check match.com for hits. Consider changing introduction paragraph which currently describes you as, “…a medium fish in a swiftly draining pond.”

Leave a biting comment on HuffPo: “Every time you get your news from a website, you’re taking food out of my kids’ mouths. Especially now that the state is directly garnishing my paychecks.”

Holy shit! Britney Spears dead! No time to verify sources! Jam it on the paper’s site and start hammering out the 1200-word obituary. Resist the urge to yell, “Stop the press!”

Head over to digg.com and play Grammar Nazi for an hour or so.

Write a post on your blog mocking the general waste of time most blogs are. Note to self: irony tester may be broken…

Spend 30 minutes or so perfecting your “run to row of phone booths” maneuver, just in case. Note to self: Need to improve “world weary reporter” look. Tends to resemble “disheveled and slightly drunk” instead. Perhaps the new fedora will help.

Try your “world weary” look on the ladies down at the bar. Mix it up with phrases like, “I’ve seen too much pain and suffering,” and “The important part is to stay objective, no matter how horrifying it is.” Be sure to gloss over that your main duties are high school sports coverage and the “Weekend Living” pullout.

Put the newspaper (and yourself) to bed at 1 a.m., secure in the knowledge that the important shit will wait until you wake up.

-CLT