Posts Tagged ‘Futurama’


Profiles in Randomness: Roberto

July 4, 2009
Roberto, pictured here with beloved friend and longtime companion, his Stabbing Knife

Roberto, pictured here with beloved friend and longtime companion, his Stabbing Knife

One of the all-time great minor characters from anywhere at any time, Futurama’s Roberto is a stabbing robot. This is not a malfunction or distressing sign of sentience, but rather his whole purpose. Evidence exists in this clip, in which Roberto (and Bender) are both in line for a compliance upgrade, to better mesh with Mom’s (a worldwide monopoly) new 1-X Robot.

Another appearance has him sharing a room with Fry at the local insane robot facility and terrorizing him all night long by practicing his stabbing.

How insane is he? Bender and Fry run into him while in line at the bank, which Roberto decides to rob (again).
Bender: I like your style. Robbing the same bank twice. Classy.
Roberto: The first time was to just case the joint and rob it a little.

And, of course, this interjection: You’re not made of Tuesday!

As is my style, I have completely and shamelessly co-opted Roberto’s love of stabbing to serve as shorthand for the irritants in life which make me feel a tad homicidal. Without further ado, an incomplete and disorganized list of the things in life that make me reach for my “stabbing knife:”

  • Centerfield by John Fogerty
  • The Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band
  • Brass in Pocket by the Pretenders
  • Barbie Girl by Aqua
  • Nearly every piece of mainstream country that has been released in the last 10 years
  • Nickelback
  • Any time Bono opines about anything
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Child actors
  • Menthol cigarettes
  • Patrons who order complicated drinks in establishments that serve their drinks in plastic cups
  • Birthday songs in chain restaurants
  • The RIAA and ASCAP
  • People who have decided their pot usage is a “lifestyle choice” and are now sticking it to the man by being underemployed for life
  • Overuse of current slang, ironic or not
  • The ethanol lobby, in charge of lightening your wallet, breaking your car and shoving your food supply into your gas tank
  • Militant anti-smokers
  • Moral panics
  • People who get “outraged” at pretty much everything
  • Fox News – just because you’re louder doesn’t mean you’re correct
  • Jay Leno
  • The TSA (“They took my stabbing clippers!”) and anything other elements of our blossoming police state, all done under the guise of the “War on Terror”
  • Nearly every motherfucker in Washington, DC (except this guy, who has never taken an earmark)
  • Wacky morning DJs
  • The “comedians” of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
  • The frat boy mentality
  • The New York Yankees
  • Warning labels
  • Paul Ehrlich

Feel free to add your own particular triggers in the comments. I’d love to see what you hate…



Just Call Me Malfunctioning Eddie

May 2, 2009
Bartender, give me your strongest, cheapest drink.

Bartender, give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

In all the compiling of Futurama quotes (Vol. 1, Vol. 2, Vol. 3), I got carried away and forgot the love. No, wait. That was definitely there. Too much of it, perhaps.

No, I forgot to post the greatest Bender quote of all. The one which truly has a million uses, as we all have found ourselves in places or situations we couldn’t get away from fast enough (paternity tests, traffic court, office spirit committees).

“Well, I’m sick of this room and everyone in it.”

Please accept my humble apologies for this oversight and enjoy these three Futurama tunes.

The Elves’ Xmas Song.mp3
Robot Hell.mp3

The Bureaucrat Song.mp3



Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion V. 3

May 1, 2009

Volume 3 – Philip J. Fry, Turanga Leela and other Random Characters

The final set of quotes, all needing only a minimum of editing to break the ice at events such as: your child’s circumcision, “family planning” office small talk, anger management classes, prom chaperoning or public indecency arrest. Enjoy!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Philip J. Fry

  • Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex.
  • But you’re better than normal, you’re abnormal.
  • I don’t like having discs crammed into me… unless they’re Oreos… and then only in the mouth.
  • I’ve got to stop living in the past, by which I mean the future.
  • I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
  • Hey, did everything just taste purple for a second?
  • Don’t you worry about “blank.” Let me worry about “blank.”
  • There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics that are more important than me.
  • It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
  • They’re like sex, except I’m having them!
  • I don’t regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
  • I can’t wait til I’m old enough to feel ways about stuff!
  • We’re in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
  • I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
  • Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
  • When will young people learn that playing “Dungeons and Dragons” doesn’t make you cool!
  • It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.
  • Well, it used to be milk… and time makes fools of us all.
  • I’ll show ye.
  • People said I was dumb, but I proved them!
  • Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
  • But existing is basically all I do!
  • Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you’re gonna be lonely.
  • I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.
  • It’s hot in here! The butter in my pocket is melting!
  • Maybe you can’t understand this, but I finally found what I need to be happy. And it’s not friends. It’s things.
  • C’mon guys, tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999… again.
  • Ow! My sperm!
  • I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Of course, it was tough love but…
  • No need to pack pants, people. Let’s roll!
  • My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
  • Wow! Check out that guy! He makes Speedy Gonzales look like regular Gonzales.
  • We’re all sick of your new upbeat outlook on life.
  • These new hands are great! I’m gonna break them in tonight.
  • All right… It’s Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all Rush mix tape. Let’s rock!
  • Because it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female.

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 2

April 29, 2009

Volume 2 – Professor Farnsworth, Hermes Conrad & Dr. John Zoidberg

Another pack of exciting quotes, compiled by hand with little regard to clarity or comprehensiveness. Use them at your next NA meeting, MLM conference, PETA protest or any other acronym-related activity.

Even I thought I was insane when I came up with my latest invention...

Even I thought I was mad when I came up with my latest invention...

Professor Farnsworth

  • Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!
  • If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the Angry Dome!
  • Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you.
  • Sweet zombie Jesus!
  • Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs?
  • Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news!
  • Oh dear! She’s stuck in an infinite loop, and he’s an idiot! Well, that’s love for you.
  • I’m sciencing as fast as I can!
  • I can wire anything directly into anything – I’m the professor!
  • In his absence I am calling a mandatory company meeting. To the mandatorium!
  • Oh, I never knew how much I’d miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.
  • My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable!
  • There’s just one little problem, and it’s a big one.
  • Good God! Just knowing we’re in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo!
  • Choke on that, causality!
  • Everyone’s always in favour of saving Hitler’s brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooohh! Suddenly you’ve gone too far!
  • Tonight’s a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.
  • Now, now! There’ll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.
  • If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo.
  • I don’t know how to teach. I’m a professor!
  • This is uncomfortable and humiliating! Now, if they could put it the form of a suppository…
  • Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can’t have either one.
  • Don’t do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case for the love of God. Don’t not do it!
  • Yes, yes, yes! You sound like a broken mp3.
  • With that big new Romanticorp contract, I’ve been able to make those government mandated upgrades you’ve all been suing me about.
  • This isn’t a business. I’ve always thought of it more as a source of cheap labor. Like a family.
  • Very well! Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!
  • A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished! Oh, the Jedi’s are going to feel this one.
  • Oh no! I should do something….but I am already in my pajamas.
  • Some say I’m robbing the cradle, but I say she’s robbing the grave.
  • I only have a few years left to live, I don’t want to spend them dead.
  • That’s whatever you were talking about for you…
  • I’m beginning to think there’ll be no forced mating at all.
  • Perhaps it is your attitude that needs a good bending! A 90º bending! To a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
  • It’s the Apocalypse all right. I always knew I’d have a hand in it.
  • Ah, to be young again, and also a robot.
  • This thing isn’t worth the gold it’s made of.
  • So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
  • That’s going to bleed when my heart beats.
  • Who needs courage when you have… a gun!

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 1

April 27, 2009

Volume 1 – Zapp Brannigan and Bender Bending Rodriguez

With a little tweaking any of these quotes could be shoehorned into your next awkward situation, be it business meeting, first date, intervention or distant relative’s funeral.

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Zapp Brannigan

  • Oh, god. I’ve never been so happy to be beat up by a woman.
  • In the game of intergalactic chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
  • Come back when it’s a catastrophe.
  • If we hit that bulls-eye rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
  • My strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it.
  • When I’m in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
  • I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan. At your service.
  • You know, I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.
  • If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
  • I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
  • We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
  • Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream: to kill him, so we don’t have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.
  • Same speed ahead!
  • Ladies, you’re under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again.
  • Hell of a thing sending another universe to certain doom. Lots of fun, though. Makes a man feel big.
  • The quickest way to a girl’s bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in.
  • I’ve never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about.
  • Teenagers all smoke, and they seem pretty on the ball.
  • You win again, gravity!
  • Call me cocky, but if there’s an alien out there I can’t kill I haven’t met him and killed him yet.
  • Stop exploding you cowards!
  • What makes a man turn neutral… Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
  • Perhaps I could paint the fence, or service you sexually? Or mop the floors.
  • Let me ask you a serious question: Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine…
  • Fly the white flag of war!

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Profiles in Randomness

February 13, 2009


Who: The Foreigner, one of the “heels” of the Robot Fighting League (featured in the Futurama episode Raging Bender).
Contemporaries: the Clearcutter, Billionaire Bot, the Chain Smoker, Sgt. Feces Processor and the Gender Bender.