Posts Tagged ‘Spam’

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Unpublished Correspondence V2

May 6, 2011

Sneak past my spam filter, will you? Brace yourself for an onslaught of wordiness which contains none of that important personal information you’re barely trying to capture.

Your email just W o n £ 850,000 UK Pounds in our on-going 11th Anniversary PROMO!!!

YOUR DETAILS: L u c k y # : 12-12-23-35-40-41(12),
T i c k e t # : 00869575733664,
C G P N : 7-22-71-00-66-12.

For more information Contact: Email: mrgrahambenfield_101@hotmail.com
Agent: MR GRAHAMS BENFIELD. On behalf of staffs felicitate with you!!
MRS. ANGELO COLLETTA (Promo Announcer)

————————————————————————

NOTE: Do not reply this mail, send your correspondnence to Mr Grahams as instructed.

….

Dear Mr. Grahams Benfield –

Thanks for alerting me to this promotion. I’m not too sure what the prize is but I would love to have your staffs felicitate this. Unless your UK pounds are significantly different than our American pounds, I’m going to need a lot of help hauling these 850,000 pounds to my apartment. I may also need to obtain a storage unit as I’m not sure if 850,000 pounds of anything would all fit in my apartment.

Of course, math never was my strongest subject. I suppose after conversion this prize would weigh something more manageable, but I still think I’d better take advantage of your staffs.

Not that this is important or anything, but when did you “blokes” (I hope I’m using that correctly) ditch the metric system? I didn’t read anything about it online, but I spend most of my time cruising baseball stat sites or leaving mocking comments on various Gawker blogs. All I have to say is: it’s about time. We both speak English, so why shouldn’t we be able to do a 1-1 weight conversion? It’s bad enough that I have to Google up a calculator every time I buy an import album on eBay.

Which raises another question: are you or are you not using the Euro? If not, “bully” for you! (Again, I hope I’m saying that right.) No good can come of a single currency. Prominent conspiracy theorists  have indicated that it could very well bring about the Apocalypse, and I don’t know about you but I still got some livin’ to do! Some livin’ with my new collection of … things… that weigh a lot!

Looking forward to hearing from you. Please let me know how many staffs will be available to felicitate this move. Please keep the number of women and children to a minimum. This sounds like a lot of lifting and I can’t be slowed down by people unable to keep up with me and my roommates and your guys.

If you must send women/children, please make sure that they can lift a minimum of 20 pounds, in accordance with my handwritten EOE compliance form. Please also have several copies of your most bulletproof waiver forms on hand for those who think they might become repeatedly injured during this move.

Sincerely,
CLT

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Unpublished Correspondence V1

April 14, 2011
Let’s face it. My spam blog is dead. I keep the link up under “The Side Projects” as a taunting reminder of all the dreams I’ve killed off with my lack of focus, time or ideas. At least I had the stones to publicly retire Blow by Blow. And Clifton L. Tanager is just kind of twisting in the wind.
(Oh, by the way, I do have something I’m still writing for. Check out “You, Only Awesomer!” I’m doing business as “Thomas Massey.”)
So, rather than just cross-posting or anything productive like that, I’m going to start posting my one-way conversations with my inbox refugees. (I will, of course, be cybersquatting on the tasty penis joke URL.) The spam-crafted pen is unofficially retired. Vive le spam!

Hi there,

My name is Michael

No Matter what you are selling – Hit-Booster will send targeted visitors to your website!

Within 15 minutes you will have your own website traffic generator that will bring in an ever increasing amount of hits to your websites! Automatically

This software is perfect for bringing real traffic to your site… even if… it’s an affiliate link where you have no control over the website content!

Michael –

Thanks for showing an interest in improving my business, which is still very much in its formative stages. In fact, it’s so formative as to not exist. However, l would like to not disappoint either of us at this early juncture. I have an existing blog that could use some more hits and from which I hope to springboard into a sales career.

Quick question, Michael: Do you happen to own any videoconferencing software? If so, I’d like your permission to borrow it. I don’t have a business plan per se, but would love the chance to connect with like-minded customers of yours and sort of “spitball” ideas until I come up with one.

Do you have any idea what the optimal setup for video spitballing is? I’d like to be able to see enough of the other people to be able to monitor body language and such while also being sufficiently far back as to avoid most of the spitballs.

I can’t be too far back, though. I’ll still need to clearly see the others’ eyes in case we decide to take a different angle and approach this exciting new Web 2.0 paradigm through a few rounds of Texas Hold’Em.

Also, (again, assuming you have this videoconferencing equipment, which I would assume you would, considering you seem pretty “on the ball” webwise, not to mention very “email savvy”) would it be possible to view other conference members in rotational 360-degree views? I would like to rule out any of those members who look better from the back than the front as well as those who kinda “look good from a distance.” I have a pretty busy schedule these days and I don’t want to waste valuable time cyberstalking someone who looks great from behind at a distance of 10 feet or greater.

Thanks in advance for the use of your equipment. I will have my secretary forward you the needed information as soon as he or she is hired.

I’m afraid I won’t be needing your Hit-Booster service, however. I’m a little concerned with the last paragraph and its mysterious use of ellipses and exclamation points. Usually the ellipsis would be used to build anticipation rather than making the sentence sound like a horrible bait-and-switch. I’m sure it’s just a typo but it does make me wonder who would be in the market for affiliate linking where they “have no control over the website content.” I’m sure any up and coming entrepreneur would be thrilled to show potential clients a custom website loaded with affiliate links to sketchy foreign porn sites and counterfeit iPod knockoff sales.

Sincerely,

CLT

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Relationship? Friend: Or How to Visit Nigeria on Less than $145 USD/Day

May 12, 2010
[The following is the entertaining story of a three-day dialogue with yet another Nigerian scam artist. As was the case with the email exchange, I may find this more entertaining than anyone else, especially the earnest scammer on the receiving end.
So, without selling this short any further, here it is: the full conversation with “Richard Thompson” of “Fedex Nigeria.” No names have been changed as I highly doubt there’s any innocence in here at all.]

From: MARIAM ASHJAEI

You have a bank draff of some amount in USD,contact the fedexcourier
company for claims with your informations. Contact person, Mr.Richard
Thompson.Contact This Email:(
fexdexcomp@gmail.com)

Mr. Richard Thompson –

Thank you for the informations on my bank draff. I am curious to know how many USD are included in this draff, as the original email only narrowed it down to “some.” Thanks in advance for any informations you can give me. 

CLT

FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, WEST AFRICA
EDO STATE,NIGERIA.

Dear CLT,

In respect to your email, I have been awaiting for you to contact me for the delivery of your check of $780,000,00.You can as well come down to this branch to pick up your package or even send someone to pick it up on your behalf. More so, the phone number works perfectly and I will advise you cross the number again as it is below this mail.

There is this Mr.Wellington who came to our company last week to place your check on out going delivery, he has already paid for the insurance fee and the delivery charges. But he did not pay for the security keeping fee due to the fact that we did not know when you will be contacting us via mail or phone to inform us that we have your check, so we advised him not to pay for the security keeping fee of the courier company so far but we informed him to contact you on time so you will not have to pay more than $145 USD on demurrage and we do not operate COD{Cost On Delivery} on a charge like this.

All you need to do right now to get your check delivered to your door step is to go ahead and pay the security keeping fee of the courier company so far.The fee is $145.00 USD only, you are to come up with this fee as to process the delivery of your package for immediate dispatch.

Payment should be made via western union money transfer only for security purpose, payment details are listed below.

Name:Mr Kingsley Enogun
Address: Benin City, Edo State Nigeria.
Text Question to be used: Relationship?
Text Answer: Friend

You have to send down the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) and your complete postal address. Reconfirm your full name, address, country and most important your phone number.

Get back to me with your payment details, I will have to send Mr.Wellington a mail that you have contacted me regarding the check he left for you. Note that your tracking number would be provided to you as soon as the payment has been made and confirmed by us.

Have a wonderful time. Please call me anytime you need any assistance.

Regards
Mr.Richard Thompson
Dispatch Director.
Tel:(+234)8037361050

Richard –

Thank you for the informations. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the “some” amount of USD is a whopping $780,000. This was much more than what I would normally describe as “some,” which I had pegged at around $18.50.

However, it comes as no surprise to me that Mr. Wellington has, shall we say, “welshed” on the security keeping fee. I have been Mr. Wellington’s erstwhile guest at the pub on several occasions and he has always managed to make himself quite scarce when the check arrives. He often uses impeccable timing to be in the restroom, taking a personal car or pretending he doesn’t recognize me when the bartender presents the tab.

I would love to be able to pay this fee for him, but tell him that this is absolutely the last time I will be willing to do this. Only the promise of $780,000 USD is keeping me from sending him a sternly worded reprimand on his loutish behavior.

A few issues will be keeping me from paying this fee immediately.

1. I am currently in Greenland, avoiding extradition for some extraordinarily large library fines. As I am unfamiliar with the “lay of the land,” I would need directions to the nearest Western Union office or Greenlandish equivalent.

2. I am also unfamiliar with the exchange rate. Would you be able to convert $145 USD into the local currency? (I think it’s either elk hides or shiny rocks.)

3. You state in your email that both a “security keeping fee” and a “demurrage” fee will need to be paid. Is the $145 USD for both or are there separate costs? Am I liable for both or can I just pick one to pay? (If so, I would like to choose the one that actually makes sense.)

Once I have these answers, I will proceed posthaste to the nearest check cashing facility to send “some” amount of USD (approx. $145) to:

Name: Sir Ben Kingsley
City: Benin City “Home of the Waffle Cone”
Text Question to be Used: “Who’s the moustachioed private dick who’s a sex machine for all the available women of a certain social status?”
Answer: “Poirot!”

Thanks in advance for your prompt response.

Sincerely,
CLT

P.S. You’d be surprised how little “green” there is in Greenland. Makes me think I’ve been misinformed…

Attention: Mr CLT

We got your mail. You can visit western union site http://www.westernunion.com to see any of there office closed to you.

I do not actually know your local currency. But you can visit xe.com to be able make the conversion.

Yes the amount will cover them, as confirm from my information. All you need do is to proceed with the payment immediately to enable us carryout the delivery.Remember the information you need to make the transfer:

Name:Mr Kingsley Enogun
Address: Benin City, Edo State Nigeria.
Text Question to be used: Relationship?
Text Answer: Friend

And also remember to send us the transfer information like the sender name,amount sent,country and the money transfer control number(MTCN).

Expect your mail as soon as possible to enable us commence delivery.

Mr.Richard Thompson
Dispatch Director.
Tel:(+234)8037361050

Richard Thompson –

Thank you for your somewhat prompt response and I apologize for the delay in mine.

I took a look at the Western Union website (thanks for that), but a quick trip out to a couple of locations showed that they were, unfortunately, closed to me. I’m not sure whether this is due to my continued misunderstanding of the local time zone or if it’s due to me (as is repeatedly pointed out) “not being from around here.”

I also checked out the exchange rate (again, thanks for the link) and it looks very favorable. The dollar must be especially weak right now, as a single elk hide is fetching nearly $850 USD. Thank god for the recession, eh? Not only that, but I am flush with elk hides thanks to a recent forest explosion. (Officials are citing the forest for not being up to code.)

I have the elk hides on the way to the nearest currency exchange as we speak. I chose a native to deliver them (via dogsled) and it’s hoped that his rugged Greenlandish looks will bypass the locals’ xenophobia and allow him to wire you the $145 USD.

He hopes to reach the office by nightfall, which I believe is Sunday. (I’m never going to get used to this “midnight sun.”) He did express some confidence in arriving sooner as a rash of exploding forests has made his trip nearly obstacle-free. There’s a good chance you’ll have the $145 USD in your hands by tomorrow.

I just want to double-check the wiring info:

Name: Kingsley Amis
Location: Edo City – Next 4 Exits
Question: What has two thumbs and loves to lord this fact over a majority of the animal kingdom?
Answer: This guy!! (I’m pointing both thumbs inward, indicating myself.)

Your MTCN and transfer information will be sent by my courier, hopefully enabling commence and carryout as soon as possible.

IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE PAYMENT WITHIN THE NEXT 12 HOURS, PLEASE EMAIL ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I CAN MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS.

Sincerely,
CLT

(P.S. My apologies for my statements made earlier regarding Mr. Wellington. You were most likely referring to ARTHUR Wellington while I was referring to GENE Wellington, a known kleptomaniac and erstwhile degenerate.

Gene Wellington tore through my life a few years ago, leaving behind nothing but empty DVD cases and bulb-less table lamps. The DVDs will eventually be replaced and new lightbulbs purchased, but the damage to my soul may never be repaired.

Last I heard, he was headed to the States [with several of my personal possessions] to try his hand at “blogging” and writing books. The cad.

Arthur, on the other hand, is a saint. I would trust him with your life.)

[Unfortunately, this was the end of the line. I’m not sure what may have been the element that pushed “Richard” to toss this into his personal “junkmail” slot. Was it Mr. Wellington’s backstory? The “midnight sun”? Dogsleds? I guess we’ll never know.
Which brings me to Point B, which I completely failed to reference earlier.
Yet another side project, bearing the unlikely URL of http://thepenismadeoutofspam.wordpress.com/, and inspired by this unsettling spam comment, has been erected… so to speak. It is my intention (which is usually much, much greater than my follow-thru) to turn this new piece of half-assed blogging into a spam aggregator, collecting the worst, most disturbing and otherwise just-a-tad-off pieces of spam floating around the internet.
Take a look around and if you’ve got anything post-worthy, hit the Submission tab to find out where to send it in. Thanks in advance for your humouring of me.]

-CLT

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America’s Most Overlooked Tourist Attractions

August 21, 2009

Sure, we’ve all heard about Mt. Rushmore, Disneyland, the Amityville Horror house, birthplace of Sinbad, etc. but what about those great attractions right under our noses? (Note: if you are currently doing blow off someone’s ass, please ignore the following and continue on,  good sir or madam. You obviously need no advice on how to have fun.)

Fancy Plans would like to take this opportunity to point out a few of the many scattered vacation spots that are criminally underrated. (Again: not you, coke fiend and “special friend.” Your experience, while definitely criminal could never be considered underrated.)

Detroit: cornering the market on "ramshackle"

Detroit: cornering the market on "ramshackle"

Highland Park, MI Ghost Town
Enjoy the thrill of touring an abandoned town without all the intrusive history lessons or costumed tour guides making the most of their failed acting careers by pretending it isn’t 2009.

See $1 homes! View rusting Motor City relics! Enjoy a “vintage” 8-Mile rap battle! Watch Jack White assault various members of the Von Bondies! Man the light switch during a thrilling reenactment of the “Detroit Rock City Exodus!”

Note: Although the tour is free, the tour guide may, at some point, ask for a donation of your wallet, camera, jewelry or other valuables, often at gunpoint.

Hell yeah! Nothing but American cars and flags as far as the eye can see (20 feet - glaucoma)

Hell yeah! Nothing but American cars and flags as far as the eye can see (20 feet - glaucoma)

Codgerville, USA
Centrally located in Kansas (less than 8 hours by bus to Branson, MO!), Codgerville USA provides a pitch perfect representation of America: the way it used to be. Although great care has been taken to include the things you love (Beechman’s Gum, asbestos, doctors recommending cigarettes), Codgerville, USA is really more about what it doesn’t contain.

A short list of what you won’t find:

  • Multiple races
  • Foreign vehicles
  • Multiplexes
  • Art that my 3-year old grandchild could make
  • Excessive swearing
  • Black presidents
  • Back sass
  • Hats at the dinner table
  • An effective polio vaccination

Enjoy the pride of Codgerville, USA: a moving sidewalk which travels in the opposite direction of your gait, thus allowing you (and whatever descendants you’re torturing) to walk uphill in both directions to any attraction!

Note: microwaves in use.

Another historical haul for Gary's museum

Another historical haul for Gary's museum

Harrison County Reservoir Museum
Located in Gary Stuckett’s garage and outlying sheds, this museum boasts America’s largest collection of items retrieved from the drainage gates of any American dam or other water retention system.

Some highlights include:

  • 1,700+ beer cans in 38 different varieties (“mainly Natty Light“)
  • 1,250+ soda cans and bottles (“mainly RC and Diet Coke“)
  • 440+ empty chip bags (“split between Ruffles and generics“)
  • 128 diapers (“if you need to change your kid, just toss it on the pile“)
  • 2 sofas (“not in that bad a shape, believe it or not“)
  • 94 tires (“not a single complete set, dang it“)
  • 3 dead bodies (“fortunately, I’ve also come across nearly 300 pine tree air fresheners“)

Gary’s guided museum tour is normally available from 8am – 6pm weekdays and Saturdays (“Sunday’s for Gary“), which is full of delightful personal notes (“about half of those Natural Light cans are mine“) and horrifying details (“just couldn’t keep that body from floating once it swole up from the heat“).

Those fortunate enough to catch Gary in a sober moment will enjoy the added bonuses of their tour guide being both fully dressed (“normally the summer months will find me going “commando” under the bathrobe“) and less prone to rant about his many unanswered letters to the Guinness Book of World Records (“hell, I even drank their damn beer!“).

Hanna-Barbera Studios: picturesque as fuck

Hanna-Barbera Studios: picturesque as fuck

Hanna-Barbera Studios
Located in sunny Studio City, CA, the Hanna-Barbera Studios are the perfect vacation for those looking to escape the hustle and bustle of places like Disneyland or Detroit. Lots to see and do here including these favorites:

  • See how over 70 different cartoons were made using only one background and three frames of animation
  • Get the real story behind the bizarre “now you hear, now you don’t” Scooby-Doo laugh track
  • Get the real story behind what the hell they were laughing at, because the show never really had any punchlines to speak of
  • Enjoy the William H. Hanna Library of Erotic Betty and Wilma Fan Fiction
  • Examine the Jetsons and their dystopian future that never was
  • Watch Captain Caveman hit on your wife/girlfriend
  • Get away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids
The RIAA Stables: no musical enjoyment allowed

The RIAA Stables: no musical enjoyment allowed

RIAA Lawyer Farms – Ashland, KY
Enjoy the rolling hills of Ashland, KY, home of the world famous RIAA stables. The RIAA’s amazing breed of free-range lawyers are allowed to roam the countryside, feeding on the tears and confusion of senior citizens and preteens.

Be sure and stop by the RIAA Cafe, where the whole family can enjoy a delightful meal at a not-at-all outlandish or ridiculous price.

Note: all diners subject to pre-meal strip search. All orders are 1-to-a-plate. No sharing. Soda refills – $0.99-$1.29/ea. An automatic 20% gratuity has been added to your bill for lobbying fees. Parties over 1 subject to additional fees from ASCAP.

Thorogood models a pair of Limited Edition Snakeskin Zubaz

Thorogood models a pair of Limited Edition Snakeskin Zubaz

George Thorogood’s Birthplace, Wilmington, DE
Many, many things to see and do here, preferably while on a Jack Daniels bender, shouting “WOOOOOOO!!! ROCK AND FUCKIN’ ROLLLLLLLL!!!!” the whole time. Become as “bad to the bone” as is humanly possible while 45 and balding during these tour highlights:

  • See 47 miles of barbed wire!
  • Buy a cobra-snake necktie! Just $99.99 at our gift shop!
  • See our fancy new roadside digs, done up in faux-rattlesnake skin!
  • Thrill to our “human skull” chimney, which stands over our brick pizza oven!
  • Don’t forget to pick up a rattlesnake whip! ($179.99)

Note: please do not answer George’s drunken and somewhat rhetorical questions about where your affections lie. Also, please keep in mind that we will not tolerate any attitude or mouthiness from visitors, so take it easy.

Pre-production look at "The Nelson Family Visits Niagara Falls"

Pre-production look at "The Nelson Family Visits Niagara Falls"

Roadside Attraction Land
Why run all over the country looking for that perfect photo opportunity? Come to our studios, located safely inside the city limits. Out “vacationeers” have a variety of costumes and props to make your visit to any non-licensed tourist destination (sorry folks, no Disneyland) look and feel authentic.

Put yourself and your loved ones into any of these classic vacation hot spots with our almost-cutting edge green screen technology:

  • A redwood forest
  • The St. Louis Arch
  • Birthplace of Laura Ingalls Wilder
  • A Kansas wheat field
  • A waterfall
  • Austin, MN’s Spam Museum
  • Enron Field
  • Tijuana “donkey show”
  • The Mall of America (three backdrops: Gap Main Floor, Gap 2nd Floor, Spencer’s 3rd Floor)
  • Main Street, USA
  • Main Street, New Delhi
  • Super 8 Motels, Omaha, NE
  • The Grassy Knoll
  • Las Vegas (non-Strip attractions)
  • Downtown Los Angeles (Toronto)
  • Downtown Chicago (Vancouver)
  • That “Field of Dreams” field
  • Somali pirate ship
  • Grayline Tour Bus
  • Penelope Ann Spheeris’ backyard

So make your vacation a restful “staycation” and put those bitch, ungrateful kids in their place. An average session lasts two hours, leaving your free to spend your remaining vacation doing the things you really want to, like mowing the lawn, tracking down that smell in the basement or wandering the office in your shorts.

For other vacation news, in particular the Branson, MO metroplex, click here:
2009 Calendar of Events for Branson, MO

-CLT