Homeowners’ Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer: the CorrespondenceOctober 1, 2009
[Details from the still-pending case of the Lakewood Estates Homeowner's Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer, which has resulted in one arrest.]
Your grass has exceeded the 2″ length as stated in Bylaw 12.3. Please remedy this. Thank you.
Great to hear from you! Thanks for taking an interest in my lawn. A combination of aggressive fertilizers and herbicides has given it the lush fullness that I saw you admiring earlier today.
It’s not often you see a grown man down on all fours (your mileage may vary, Bill). Especially a grown man in the possession of a finely tuned set of calipers. If I ever need to know the exact length of my erect penis, I’ll be sure to borrow them from you.
As for the lawn, I’ve adopted a lassiez faire policy as recommended by the 2002 Kyoto Accords.
I fear my correspondence has not been taken seriously. Your grass has now exceeded 2-3/8″ (as measured at 2 pm today). It must be below 2″ to comply with our bylaws. If this is not taken care of, the Association will cut your grass for you and you will be billed $125/acre. Thank you.
I feel awful that you think I have not taken your previous letter seriously, and even worse that you’re in fear. I assure you that I mean to comply with your ridiculous request as soon as possible.
In fact, I have been on the horn (it’s a nautical term, landlubber) all day gathering competing bids for a landscaping service. At this point I have narrowed it down to your personal landscaper (Jose) and your son, who has also agreed to write something horrible about you in his journal, and shortly after that, across the garage door. He has also offered to mow “FUCK YOU” into the lawn at no extra charge, but I think that may be a bit much.
Any costs I incur about my usual landscaping budget (currently sitting at $10) will be billed to you.
You have 2 days left to comply on the lawn. I have spoken to my son and he is now forbidden to make any contact with you. In fact, he is being sent out to a “boot camp” style teen retreat for the summer.
As for Jose, he is free to do as he pleases, but I would recommend hiring your own lawn care professional. This should help you (and him) avoid any sticky “conflict of interest” issues.
Thank you again for your prompt attention.
I have spoken to Jose. He seems to understand that working for me may jeopardize his continued employment with you. This doesn’t seem to bother him at all. I have offered him shorter working hours and the opportunity to work for someone less officious and anal.
I also pointed out that marrying your daughter would expedite his acquisition of a green card. We’re going bowling Thursday and hope to have that plan hammered out by the end of the evening.
I’ve also filed a preemptive lawsuit on behalf of your son’s eventual physical abuse at the boot camp. I also mentioned that he might be slightly less creepy if he didn’t insist on carrying around that video camera at all times, no matter how many “interesting” wind-blown plastic bags would go undocumented.
P.S. I realize that I have forgotten to discuss the current state of my lawn in this correspondence. Sorry for the oversight.
I had hoped to reach an amicable solution, but your juvenile correspondence leads me to believe this will be impossible. The lawn service will be over to take care of your grass at an estimated cost of $189.
I am also considering filing a harassment suit, unless you would be willing to apologize and sign a statement agreeing to stay away from my family.
I’ve reached an agreement with Jose. He will mow your yard beginning at 3 am (this will include edging) before continuing on to mine, beginning roughly around 6 am.
I am planning to show my solidarity for the “working man” (Jose) by playing my Clash albums at an incredibly loud volume, also beginning at 3 am.
If you’re up, why don’t you come over and knock back a few shots with me? We can bullshit for a bit while Jose touches up the lawns. I feel like we never got to know each other, despite the fact that we live in adjacent houses.
Viva la revolucion,
BP: CLT? This is Bill.
CLT: Oh. Hey, Bill. What are you doing up this early? You should come have a shot. I’ve had several.
BP: Why in God’s name is Jose mowing my lawn right now?
CLT: Sorry, Bill. I’m having trouble hearing you. Some kind of buzzing noise coming from your end. Is someone mowing your lawn?
BP: Yes, goddamnit! Jose is—
CLT: Once again, Burl, having trouble hearing you. Let me turn down the stereo a smidge.
BP: I SAID—
CLT: Listen, Brett? I’m going to put you on speakerphone so I can wander around the house while pretending to listen to you.
BP: Look. I think this has escalated past my jurisdiction. I may have to get local law enforcement involved, if for nothing else than a noise complaint.
CLT: I hear ya’, Bob. I don’t think anyone expected them to be 0-3 at this point in the season, but that’s why they play the games.
BP: What??? It’s “Bill,” by the way. I said I’m going to need to call—
CLT: Hang on, Brian. Armagideon Time? Holy shit! I haven’t heard this in years!
BP: Did you just turn it up?!?
CLT: Anyway, you should come do a shot or two. Jose’s having one.
BP: Tell him to get his ass back over here!
CLT: He says, “No habla prick.”
BP: That little fucker! CLT! I’m going to call the police! I’m not going to warn you again!
CLT: I know. They’re awesome. They were so far ahead of their time. Shame about B.A.D. and B.A.D. II. They just sort of sucked.
BP: I’m calling the cops.
CLT: Good news, Billy! I think we have hit on a solution here! Jose has agreed to burn my lawn to the ground and salt the earth. He can do yours next!
BP: (Hangs up)