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Homeowners’ Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer: the Correspondence

October 1, 2009
Well, no one seems to bitching about grass length anymore...

Well, no one seems to bitching about grass length anymore...

[Details from the still-pending case of the Lakewood Estates Homeowner's Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer, which has resulted in one arrest.]

CLT-

Your grass has exceeded the 2″ length as stated in Bylaw 12.3. Please remedy this. Thank you.

Bill Prescott
President
Homeowner’s Association

 

Bill-

Great to hear from you! Thanks for taking an interest in my lawn. A combination of aggressive fertilizers and herbicides has given it the lush fullness that I saw you admiring earlier today.

It’s not often you see a grown man down on all fours (your mileage may vary, Bill). Especially a grown man in the possession of a finely tuned set of calipers. If I ever need to know the exact length of my erect penis, I’ll be sure to borrow them from you.

As for the lawn, I’ve adopted a lassiez faire policy as recommended by the 2002 Kyoto Accords.

Sincerely,
CLT

 

CLT-

I fear my correspondence has not been taken seriously. Your grass has now exceeded 2-3/8″ (as measured at 2 pm today). It must be below 2″ to comply with our bylaws. If this is not taken care of, the Association will cut your grass for you and you will be billed $125/acre. Thank you.

BP

 

Bill-

I feel awful that you think I have not taken your previous letter seriously, and even worse that you’re in fear. I assure you that I mean to comply with your ridiculous request as soon as possible.

In fact, I have been on the horn (it’s a nautical term, landlubber) all day gathering competing bids for a landscaping service. At this point I have narrowed it down to your personal landscaper (Jose) and your son, who has also agreed to write something horrible about you in his journal, and shortly after that, across the garage door. He has also offered to mow “FUCK YOU” into the lawn at no extra charge, but I think that may be a bit much.

Any costs I incur about my usual landscaping budget (currently sitting at $10) will be billed to you.

Cheers!
CLT

 

CLT-

You have 2 days left to comply on the lawn. I have spoken to my son and he is now forbidden to make any contact with you. In fact, he is being sent out to a “boot camp” style teen retreat for the summer.

As for Jose, he is free to do as he pleases, but I would recommend hiring your own lawn care professional. This should help you (and him) avoid any sticky “conflict of interest” issues.

Thank you again for your prompt attention.

BP

 

Bill.i.Am-

I have spoken to Jose. He seems to understand that working for me may jeopardize his continued employment with you. This doesn’t seem to bother him at all. I have offered him shorter working hours and the opportunity to work for someone less officious and anal.

I also pointed out that marrying your daughter would expedite his acquisition of a green card. We’re going bowling Thursday and hope to have that plan hammered out by the end of the evening.

I’ve also filed a preemptive lawsuit on behalf of your son’s eventual physical abuse at the boot camp. I also mentioned that he might be slightly less creepy if he didn’t insist on carrying around that video camera at all times, no matter how many “interesting” wind-blown plastic bags would go undocumented.

Riposte!
CLT

P.S. I realize that I have forgotten to discuss the current state of my lawn in this correspondence. Sorry for the oversight.

 

CLT-

I had hoped to reach an amicable solution, but your juvenile correspondence leads me to believe this will be impossible. The lawn service will be over to take care of your grass at an estimated cost of $189.

I am also considering filing a harassment suit, unless you would be willing to apologize and sign a statement agreeing to stay away from my family.

BP

 

Bob-

I’ve reached an agreement with Jose. He will mow your yard beginning at 3 am (this will include edging) before continuing on to mine, beginning roughly around 6 am.

I am planning to show my solidarity for the “working man” (Jose) by playing my Clash albums at an incredibly loud volume, also beginning at 3 am.

If you’re up, why don’t you come over and knock back a few shots with me? We can bullshit for a bit while Jose touches up the lawns. I feel like we never got to know each other, despite the fact that we live in adjacent houses.

Viva la revolucion,
CLT

 

(Phone call)

CLT: Hello?
BP: CLT? This is Bill.
CLT: Oh. Hey, Bill. What are you doing up this early? You should come have a shot. I’ve had several.
BP: Why in God’s name is Jose mowing my lawn right now?
CLT: Sorry, Bill. I’m having trouble hearing you. Some kind of buzzing noise coming from your end. Is someone mowing your lawn?
BP: Yes, goddamnit! Jose is—
CLT: Once again, Burl, having trouble hearing you. Let me turn down the stereo a smidge.
BP: I SAID—
CLT: Listen, Brett? I’m going to put you on speakerphone so I can wander around the house while pretending to listen to you.
BP: Look. I think this has escalated past my jurisdiction. I may have to get local law enforcement involved, if for nothing else than a noise complaint.
CLT: I hear ya’, Bob. I don’t think anyone expected them to be 0-3 at this point in the season, but that’s why they play the games.
BP: What??? It’s “Bill,” by the way. I said I’m going to need to call—
CLT: Hang on, Brian. Armagideon Time? Holy shit! I haven’t heard this in years!
BP: Did you just turn it up?!?
CLT: Anyway, you should come do a shot or two. Jose’s having one.
BP: Tell him to get his ass back over here!
CLT: He says, “No habla prick.”
BP: That little fucker! CLT! I’m going to call the police! I’m not going to warn you again!
CLT: I know. They’re awesome. They were so far ahead of their time. Shame about B.A.D. and B.A.D. II. They just sort of sucked.
BP: I’m calling the cops.
CLT: Good news, Billy! I think we have hit on a solution here! Jose has agreed to burn my lawn to the ground and salt the earth. He can do yours next!
BP: (Hangs up)

-CLT

20 comments

  1. First of all let me just warn you to be extremely careful with an erect penis and a finely tuned set of calipers. Bizarre and embarrassing accidents can happen. I think that I may have been mentioned on that website you featured ‘What I learned from my patients.’

    Holy shit, you have over an acre of land? Where in the hell do you live? I don’t think I’ve ever seen an acre of land belonging to one person. You must be really rich, huh?

    You’re really lucky that you don’t live in Florida! I know that everybody has been throwing around the word ‘Nazi’ so haphazardly, but this time the bill fits. Some of the homeowners associations had swastikas, an army of Arian youth, and the combination of unbridled power and the affinity to use it that had every pot-head in the neighborhood hiding in their attics. Scary shit. There was even a case in Clearwater where they got an un-employed man who had cancer thrown in jail for not cutting his lawn. He sat in there for a month CLT. A month!

    These people need to be stopped. Maybe we could put some kind of allied force together and take them out!


    • I follow OSHA’s regulations pertaining to “caliper/penis” proximity, which means that I must work with a safety harness on at all times. This must be attached correctly to avoid pulling a “Carradine.”

      As for my massive amounts of land: in my ficticious world I have well over one acre. And lots of money.

      We do like to throw “Nazi” around a bit these days, using it to describe everyone from overbearing neighbors to those suspiciously white Brazilians. I aim to take down as many of these “lawn Nazis” as possible. They will be replaced with “lawn jockeys.”

      I’ll take whatever help I can get, especially since the replacement jockeys will be as least as controversial as the original Nazis.

      Great to see you, Scott. I will be stopping by your blog shortly, as I see that I have fallen behind the times.


  2. A wonderful post, CLT, and one that touches on two of my favourite themes – decent lawn care and morons.

    Keep up the fine work (but Jesus Christ, man, cut your damned grass).

    Don


    • Those morons wouldn’t know decent lawn care if it set fire to their lawn at 3:30 in the morning. Unfortunately, there are many morons in positions of power.

      Thanks for the compliment, Don. Always a pleasure to have you tossing around rye and wisdom.

      (I’ll get the grass next week.)


  3. Professor Supergenius,

    1. replace the grass with rocks. I haven’t mowed a lawn in 20 years.

    2. Your new yard creates great missiles to wing at HOA nazis.

    3. Replace all of the glass in your house with clear plexiglass so the rocks bounce off of them.


    • Ah, yes. Desert landscaping. I remember that from my many years in El Paso. It added a brutally painful level to our full-contact football games.

      I also like your plexiglass window idea. Now I can continue to live in my glass house and throw stones. I’ve never had it so good!

      Great to see you, CC.


    • Two cars on my street had windshields broken by flying peices of lawn in the last few weeks. They need plexiglass too.

      The football games on my street are intersting. They tend to actually be in the street. cfirst team to take out a windsheld wins.


    • No doubt this is where Kurt Warner honed his skills, breaking windows and records like a man in deathly fear of ever having to go back to his day job.


  4. Thanks For This Thread
    Enlarge Your Penis and Farewell To The Embarrassment Of Premature Ejaculation
    i found way to treatment this problems
    by using hand
    Try it


    • Cena-

      You’ve addressed one of the many problems facing homeowners’ association presidents. I feel they may spend a great deal of time trying to solve it “by hand” as their ridiculous and petty oversight tends to go hand-in-hand (so to speak) with a largely masturbatorial lifestyle.

      Once again, thanks for the spam and go fuck yourself.


    • And what you call “embarrassing,” I just call “efficient.”


  5. I had so much to say about this stellar post, but cena beat me to it…

    I hate it when that happens.

    I will say one thing, though.

    Landlubber + Bill.i.Am + No habla prick = Tremendous


    • Cena was “on point” today with the largely unrelated comment. Not that I’ve ever seen or written an unrelated comment, but at least if I have, I rarely detailed my “hands on” struggle with sexual inadequacy.

      Thanks for adding up all the highlights, bschooled. I’m keeping you in mind for the Cliff Notes version.


  6. Funny, (pending you’re not Bill).


    • Just because Bill’s not laughing doesn’t mean it’s not funny. Just ask Jose. Or his son. Or me.


  7. I actually know of a Lakewood HOA – that this is exactly how it would. Thank got I don’t live there. I’ll upload a picture of my ex-nursery overgrown backyard and you will see why. It’s a breading ground for so many different species of vegetation I’d probably be fined for “growing” and never know where the damn thing was.
    Of course, I’ve also seen fuchsia homes. I little tact would be nice. Then again I do like the polka dots.


    • Well, the paint job justs gives the HOA more to bitch about. I’m partial to verbal and written sparring so this is right up my (boxing) alley, to mangle a phrase.


  8. I do not live in an HOA. I refuse to own a house that is in one. I just have nosy neighbors who know how many bags of groceries (and from what store) I carry in, how often I put on my wood stove and so on.

    They are not morons in the sense of limited intelligence. They just happened to be overwrought and underlaid.


    • “Overwrought and underlaid.” That’s going in the book. Pen>Sword: The Thinking Man’s Pointed Insults for Any Occasion. That is great stuff.

      I would never live in one either. Seems like a lot to give up to own your own property. It’s like renting, only with more liability.

      Thanks for the bodacious comment, zeus.


  9. Some of you may think the exchange above is extreme or even funny. I assure you it is an example of what can happen. I had a homeowner come to my house and stand out front and scream obscenities at me because I dared suggest to the members of our HOA that we might want to get competing bids for the compulsory landscape maintenance that we are subjected to.

    I moved into an HOA almost 3 years ago – after I thought I had checked things out thoroughly. Boy, was I wrong.

    I’ve developed an informational website to help others check out benefits, issues and potential problems before they buy. I hope everyone that sees this comment will visit it: http://www.CeresGleannLife.info .

    Thanks and good luck with your HOA experience,

    Robert



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