Posts Tagged ‘Police’


Homeowners’ Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer: the Correspondence

October 1, 2009
Well, no one seems to bitching about grass length anymore...

Well, no one seems to bitching about grass length anymore...

[Details from the still-pending case of the Lakewood Estates Homeowner’s Association vs. Capitalist Lion Tamer, which has resulted in one arrest.]


Your grass has exceeded the 2″ length as stated in Bylaw 12.3. Please remedy this. Thank you.

Bill Prescott
Homeowner’s Association



Great to hear from you! Thanks for taking an interest in my lawn. A combination of aggressive fertilizers and herbicides has given it the lush fullness that I saw you admiring earlier today.

It’s not often you see a grown man down on all fours (your mileage may vary, Bill). Especially a grown man in the possession of a finely tuned set of calipers. If I ever need to know the exact length of my erect penis, I’ll be sure to borrow them from you.

As for the lawn, I’ve adopted a lassiez faire policy as recommended by the 2002 Kyoto Accords.




I fear my correspondence has not been taken seriously. Your grass has now exceeded 2-3/8″ (as measured at 2 pm today). It must be below 2″ to comply with our bylaws. If this is not taken care of, the Association will cut your grass for you and you will be billed $125/acre. Thank you.




I feel awful that you think I have not taken your previous letter seriously, and even worse that you’re in fear. I assure you that I mean to comply with your ridiculous request as soon as possible.

In fact, I have been on the horn (it’s a nautical term, landlubber) all day gathering competing bids for a landscaping service. At this point I have narrowed it down to your personal landscaper (Jose) and your son, who has also agreed to write something horrible about you in his journal, and shortly after that, across the garage door. He has also offered to mow “FUCK YOU” into the lawn at no extra charge, but I think that may be a bit much.

Any costs I incur about my usual landscaping budget (currently sitting at $10) will be billed to you.




You have 2 days left to comply on the lawn. I have spoken to my son and he is now forbidden to make any contact with you. In fact, he is being sent out to a “boot camp” style teen retreat for the summer.

As for Jose, he is free to do as he pleases, but I would recommend hiring your own lawn care professional. This should help you (and him) avoid any sticky “conflict of interest” issues.

Thank you again for your prompt attention.




I have spoken to Jose. He seems to understand that working for me may jeopardize his continued employment with you. This doesn’t seem to bother him at all. I have offered him shorter working hours and the opportunity to work for someone less officious and anal.

I also pointed out that marrying your daughter would expedite his acquisition of a green card. We’re going bowling Thursday and hope to have that plan hammered out by the end of the evening.

I’ve also filed a preemptive lawsuit on behalf of your son’s eventual physical abuse at the boot camp. I also mentioned that he might be slightly less creepy if he didn’t insist on carrying around that video camera at all times, no matter how many “interesting” wind-blown plastic bags would go undocumented.


P.S. I realize that I have forgotten to discuss the current state of my lawn in this correspondence. Sorry for the oversight.



I had hoped to reach an amicable solution, but your juvenile correspondence leads me to believe this will be impossible. The lawn service will be over to take care of your grass at an estimated cost of $189.

I am also considering filing a harassment suit, unless you would be willing to apologize and sign a statement agreeing to stay away from my family.




I’ve reached an agreement with Jose. He will mow your yard beginning at 3 am (this will include edging) before continuing on to mine, beginning roughly around 6 am.

I am planning to show my solidarity for the “working man” (Jose) by playing my Clash albums at an incredibly loud volume, also beginning at 3 am.

If you’re up, why don’t you come over and knock back a few shots with me? We can bullshit for a bit while Jose touches up the lawns. I feel like we never got to know each other, despite the fact that we live in adjacent houses.

Viva la revolucion,


(Phone call)

CLT: Hello?
BP: CLT? This is Bill.
CLT: Oh. Hey, Bill. What are you doing up this early? You should come have a shot. I’ve had several.
BP: Why in God’s name is Jose mowing my lawn right now?
CLT: Sorry, Bill. I’m having trouble hearing you. Some kind of buzzing noise coming from your end. Is someone mowing your lawn?
BP: Yes, goddamnit! Jose is—
CLT: Once again, Burl, having trouble hearing you. Let me turn down the stereo a smidge.
CLT: Listen, Brett? I’m going to put you on speakerphone so I can wander around the house while pretending to listen to you.
BP: Look. I think this has escalated past my jurisdiction. I may have to get local law enforcement involved, if for nothing else than a noise complaint.
CLT: I hear ya’, Bob. I don’t think anyone expected them to be 0-3 at this point in the season, but that’s why they play the games.
BP: What??? It’s “Bill,” by the way. I said I’m going to need to call—
CLT: Hang on, Brian. Armagideon Time? Holy shit! I haven’t heard this in years!
BP: Did you just turn it up?!?
CLT: Anyway, you should come do a shot or two. Jose’s having one.
BP: Tell him to get his ass back over here!
CLT: He says, “No habla prick.”
BP: That little fucker! CLT! I’m going to call the police! I’m not going to warn you again!
CLT: I know. They’re awesome. They were so far ahead of their time. Shame about B.A.D. and B.A.D. II. They just sort of sucked.
BP: I’m calling the cops.
CLT: Good news, Billy! I think we have hit on a solution here! Jose has agreed to burn my lawn to the ground and salt the earth. He can do yours next!
BP: (Hangs up)



Fancy Plans Guide to Homicide Investigation

September 26, 2009
Homicide detectives are particularly proud of their special-issue "Mickey Mouse" gloves.

Homicide detectives are particularly proud of their special-issue "Mickey Mouse" gloves.

Hi. I’m Detective James Morniwheg, Homicide.

I have some information to pass on to the newest members of our precinct. As you know, we field our fair share of homicide investigations. The world is not a pretty place and you’ll need to get used to it real soon. As quickly as I can, I would like to hand out a few pointers on how to handle a homicide investigation.

First of all, you need to have the proper tools. Every detective should be prepared for a homicide call. Here’s a list of items you should have on you at all times:

  • Gloves
  • Evidence bags
  • Ballpoint pen (for picking up empty casings; occasional writing)
  • Notepad
  • World-weary cynicism
  • Desire to help people (rookies only)


  • Unlit cigar
  • Sunglasses
  • Pet theories
  • Desire to hurt people

Every crime scene you deal with will contain all matter of evidence. Some criminals, especially drug dealers, will have thoughtfully pre-bagged some evidence for you.

Mark any evidence appropriately, for easy identification. For example:

  • “Ditch weed”
  • “Black tar”
  • “B.C. chronic”
  • “Ragweed”
  • “Baby laxative”
  • “To be planted”

Most forward-looking police departments have realized that it is most efficient to have individual policemen secure evidence in their own homes, storage units or bus station lockers. This leaves the evidence in an area where it can be easily accessed as needed, rather than at a central location staffed by an officious and nosy prick.

If you find yourself with a surplus of evidence, especially during Internal Affairs’ investigations, feel free to ditch some of it at your current crime scenes. The other responding officers will appreciate your generosity and it may help take the case in a surprising new direction.

The Smoking Gun
The most famous form of evidence, the smoking gun can often refer to other things metaphorically. We will be dealing only with the literal interpretation.

If you find a gun on the scene, pick it up and sniff the barrel thoughtfully. Has it been fired recently?

If it hasn’t or is still “undetermined,” go ahead and fire a few shots into the wall or available corpse. Try out some creative angles to confuse the boys in forensics. Mark gun as “recently fired.” Place in evidence bag. (Allow time to cool.)

Be sure to indicate, when asked, that the gun was fired “circa the time of death,” rather than, “shortly after I got here.”

Officer McCloskey prevented anyone from entering the rent-controlled apartment until his deposit check cleared.

Officer McCloskey prevented anyone from entering the rent-controlled apartment until his deposit check cleared.

Shell Casings and the Importance of Pen Selection
Choose your pen carefully as it will be serving a greater purpose than dressing up your shirt pocket or staining your shirt pocket.

The main purpose of your pen will be to pick up empty gun shells at the crime scene. You’ll want to have a thin pen with a low center of gravity. This act is harder than it looks. You may want to practice at home, using any of the “evidence” guns you have secured. Fire a few rounds into the wall or available corpse. (This will also help you get the sense for the “recently fired” smell.)

Once proficient with this maneuver, you should be able to pick up casings in one smooth move.

(Important note: never use your hands to pick up shells, gloved or not, as this will probably “tamper” the evidence. It is a serious crime scene faux pas. This is a “rookie mistake,” and you will be the butt of jokes in the precinct for months to come.)

Dealing with the Coroner
As someone who deals intimately with death, day in and day out, your average coroner will often be a pasty, emotionless, wise-cracking weirdo who will insist on eating something no matter how gruesome the homicide.

He will often use phrases and ask questions full of words you won’t understand. Just nod and ask occasional leading questions, such as:

  • “Any signs of foul play?”
  • “What do you think for a time of death?”
  • “Would this ‘recently fired’ gun have anything to do with it?”

If stuck for words, you can always defer to the responding officer. A second tactic is to remove your sunglasses and chew on them thoughtfully while gazing over the scene, perhaps guesstimating the wholesale price of the Persian rug that is now completely ruined. I know this tactic sounds ridiculous, but do it in front of a mirror a few times and you’ll see how “thoughtful” it can make you appear.

Distracted by some rowdy urban youths, Officer Carlington was unable to remember whether she was on the outside or the inside of the crime scene.

Distracted by some rowdy urban youths, Officer Carlington was unable to remember whether she was on the outside or the inside of the crime scene.

Dealing with Responding Officers
Your normal, workaday cop will most likely be the first responder to a homicide call. They are often unimpressed with your position and will try to undercut your authority at every opportunity.

Send them out to “knock on doors.” This will keep them out of the crime scene and thus unable to show you up with their “attention to detail” and “logical conclusions.” Also, their street smarts will clash badly with your world-weary cynicism/desire to help people.

Motives & Suspects
You will often be called on to draw a bead on a most likely suspect and motive. In order to get the ball rolling, observe the crime scene, victim and neighborhood. You should be able to get a “jump” on some conclusions by following these simple guidelines:

Black victim/Lousy neighborhood “Gang-related”
Possible suspect: Gangbanger

White victim/Mainly black neighborhood“Possibly gang-related;” “Wrong place at the wrong time”
Possible suspect: Gangbanger

Black or white victim/Drug paraphernalia“Drug deal gone bad”
Possible suspect: Tony Montana

White victim/Upscale neighborhood“Crime of passion”
Possible suspect: That guy whose wife you’re banging; local retard

White victim/Influential parents“Accidental”
Possibly due to: “Ingestion of two .38 bullets in the back of the head”

The First 24 Hours
90% of homicides are solved in the first 24 hours.

Whether this is actually true or not doesn’t matter. Everyone already believes that it is, so act accordingly.

This would seem to indicate that you will have a hectic day (and night) beginning with the homicide call. Look at it this way: you only have to look busy for 24 hours before you can return to your normal schedule of playing computer solitaire and ticketing your ex-wife’s vehicle.

If you can make it past those critical hours, you are out of the woods, so to speak (even if your victim hasn’t even made it out of the woods yet). Label the paperwork “Cold Case” and throw it in the precinct fridge for some cheap laughs.

Coming up:
Advanced Taser Techniques – Your Quickstart Guide to Subduing the Handicapped and Elderly
Your New Partner – How to Deal with These Goddamn Conscience-Ridden Little Go-Getters
The Last 24 – Making it to Your Retirement Alive