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Letters to the Editor

September 29, 2009
Yanni prepares for a hard-charging Creed cover.

Yanni prepares for a hard-charging Creed cover.

[Note: It is the policy of this paper to edit letters for length, clarity and to generally make the letter-writers appear more ignorant.]

To the music editor of the New Bedford Gazette:

This letter concerns your recent review of the Yanni concert, which you gave a 3 out of 5 star rating. While I realize that Yanni’s blistering sexuality and limp-wristed piano stylings are an acquired taste, I have to wonder whether your reviewer saw the same spectacular concert that I did.

I’m sure we all felt that the St. Jude School for the Blind’s auditorium was hardly the most majestic setting for musical royalty such as this. However, it did hold a certain amount of quaint charm and metal folding chairs. The promoters made the most of the limited space and I’m sure the returning students will appreciate what was done to the venue even as it wreaks havoc on their spatial awareness.

The reviewer states that the “unretracted basketball hoops” detracted from the setting. I realize that not every venue can be as breathtaking as the Acropolis (as documented in his best-selling DVD). At times the arena struggled to compete with even lesser-known performances, such as his appearances at the Apollo and the second event tent at Glastonbury (which found his gig sandwiched between Vampire Weekend and a re-formed Haircut 100).

The reviewer also referred to Yanni’s “bland stylings” and “watered-down New Age ivory-tinkling.” While his music will certainly never compare to the “hard rock” and “hard rap” that the reviewer is no doubt used to, I think it was a low blow for him to point out the unfortunate moment when a clearly exhausted Yanni urinated on the piano.

There were so many electric moments that would warrant at least an extra star or two:

  • His fantastic selection of covers, including Nick Cave’s Curse of Millhaven, Weezer’s Hash Pipeand John Tesh’s Theme from Entertainment Tonight (Slight Return).
  • Late in the show, an obviously inebriated (and exhausted) Yanni “dropped trou” and gave us all a tantalizing glimpse of “Little Yanni” and some magnificently coiffed pubic hair.
  • His terrific Jerry Lee Lewis impression, in which he broke free from his usual repertoire to bang his piano and 14-year old cousin, roughly in that order. The inadvertent electrical fire that threatened to consume the threesome (Yanni, piano, cousin) was just icing on the cake.

We all know that Yanni put in a performance for the ages that night, one that cannot be smeared by a middling review or his string of insults and slurs that closed out the evening. Fortunately for Yanni, he will continue his incredible career, despite doubting journalists and as for the slurs, they would only offend those familiar with thousands of years of Greek history. And homosexuals.

Sincerely,

-CLT

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20 comments

  1. How do you do it, CLT?

    Do you realize how much Yanni research I’ve done over the past few months for my “piece de resistance”?

    Then all of a sudden you come in with brilliant quotes like “watered-down New-Age ivory-tinkling”, and suddenly it looks like I’m interviewing some boring has-been named “Yawney”…

    If your nexst post is on John Davidson http://www.johndavidson.com/cd.html I’m officially retiring from the blogosphere…


    • It’s called “scooping,” if I have my journalism schtick correct. I was hoping for an exclusive with his Greekness, but it looks like he’ll whore out for whomever is willing to shoot his crotch from a low angle.

      Coming up: a post on John Davidson.

      See you at the retirement party, bschooled!


  2. Not that this has much to do with Yanni, but can you think of any time a rock act’s inclusion of a full orchestra didn’t signal it had passed its “best if used by” date?


    • See also: Metallica.

      And really, does anyone really have anything pertinent to say that has much to do with Yanni?

      World hunger, Broadway ticket prices, the pennant race, insurance rates, music in general…

      Nothing. He is relevant to himself only.

      Great to see you, overconfident.


    • See also: Guns and Roses.


    • See also: Moody Blues.

      Wait…


  3. They just love the Yanni over here. Yanni, Hasselhoff and Shakira, in that order. To get to see him in a venue such as the St. Jude School for the Blind auditorium would’ve been the musical experience of a lifetime. Then once you factor in that he dropped trou, made sweet, sweet love to his cousin, AND did a John Tesh cover….that must have blown the audiences doors right off! I’m wondering if anybody pirated the concert in its entirety. If we made copies (and I mean in the thousands) we would make some serious coin! I could unload them over here for 30 a CD. Think about it.


    • I think someone must have made some bootlegs. I saw something down at the local black market entitled “Yanni: Drunk of His Ass at Some School.”

      Not the pithiest title, but it gets the point across. Apparently, I missed his extended rant on the lack of proper haircare products stateside. He was joined in this rant by Rick James. Whom I believe is dead.

      Great to see you, Scott.


  4. You say he is taking a leak but it looks to me like he is pinching a loaf.


    • Good call, TL. This may have been during his on-stage bout with incontinence. I presumed some roadies had loaded up a gyro with Ex-Lax but he later explained (in great detail) his ongoing bowel problems.

      We were truly lucky to be there.


  5. I’m a HUGE Yanni fan. I even let him have sex with my goat, Adonis and my two sheep, Hermes and Krikor… And if that isn’t fanship, I don’t know what is… But his version of The Curse of Millhaven was too watered down for me…I hated his lyric changes…

    I live in a town called Crete
    And its fun and its dandy, it’s just so neat
    And if you come around just as the sun goes down
    We’ll have a kabob and yogurt treat
    Its around about then that I used to go a-prancing
    Singing Yanni Yanni Yanni bo be
    All Greek gods wish they were me
    My name is Yanni but I prefer the “yan man”
    I’ve never learned to read a musical note
    And if you think you have seen a more washed up has been
    Then you better scurry
    Like Nana Mouskouri
    Singing Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo be
    I’m bigger than Socrates you see
    You must have heard about the golden boy of Crete
    And the grape stains that adorned his delicate feet
    And how my ego, like an eagle soared
    As I tinkled out crap on my little keyboard
    And my tone deaf fans never grew bored!!!
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo be
    I played at the Acropolis but it wasn’t for free
    Yes, it’s great to be all the rage
    And spew out bad sounds that I call new age
    The fact is I can even sell my turds
    It’s true, did you read, “Yanni in words”?
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo bi
    Some may ask how did this happen and why
    But the truth is there’s no accounting for taste
    Some people will dance to human waste
    Some people will drink Greek wine
    Even though it tastes like turpentine
    I keep selling Cds and that’s just fine!
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo be
    I’m a huge star – it’s pure insanity
    And, in a cruel twist of fate, after a two-year sabbatical
    I released my first studio album in seven years called If I Could Tell You
    And the tone deaf fans went all freaky
    And ate it up like it was fresh tzatziki
    Twenty million CDs sold, without even trying
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo bi
    It’s enough to make a real musician want to kill himself and die
    Yes, it is I, Yanni, the curse of the music industry
    I’ve struck terror in the ears of everyone you see
    I gotta pretty little mouth underneath all the tinkling
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo bi
    Sooner or later we all gotta buy
    A Cd by Yanni,
    Just do it and don’t ask why
    Since I was no bigger than a weavil
    they’ve been saying that it’s evil
    That my “talent” is rewarded this way
    That I’m a musical hack of a Greek
    With all the charm of a leek
    And about as fun as the middle of the week
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo bit
    All I can say to that is “tough shit”
    Yeah, I got 35 gold LPs it’s true
    I don’t need to try, it’s just what I do
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo wee
    The sound of the tinkling, that’s me taking a pee
    Yanni Yanni Yanni Yanni bo bi
    I’m a huge star and all the others can eat shit and die


    • Mom!!! Alan’s out-clevering my posts again!!

      Mom!

      Well, do something!

      What do you mean, “I’m just not applying myself?”

      Stupid parents. They just don’t understand.

      Holy fucking shit, boy wonder. That’s a hell of a cover version. Splendid stuff. And it goes right along with the tune, which is kind of essential. I doff my hats to you (jimmy and otherwise). Spectacularly played.

      For multiple mentions of forms of defecation (including the secret word: “turd”), you win the bonus video prize:


    • “And the tone deaf fans went all freaky
      And ate it up like it was fresh tzatziki”

      I changed my mind, Alan…this is my new wedding song.


  6. I love a good letter to the editor, CLT, and I have to say that’s the finest one I’ve seen in a damned long time. Beautiful…

    Don


    • Don,

      If anyone knows letters to the editor, it’s you. Thanks for the compliments. Hopefully, this won’t be the last.


  7. That was a wickedly good poem alantru! So good, I’m going to reread it tomorrow (and make my kids read it and then make them reread it too). Beyond awesome!!!


    • Thank you elizabeth3hersh,

      The credit goes to CLT for combining Nick Cave and Yanni. It was a real “peanut butter in my chocolate” moment.

      Oh, and, of course, I couldn’t have done it witout Jesus. (He leant me his computer.)

      And finally, for now, knowing that bschooled will be playing the song at her wedding warms the cockles of my heart… Hmmm, can you say “cockles” online?


  8. I’ve never heard Yanni, but I laughed anyway.


    • Try to keep it that way, RR. Laughing at me; not listening to Yanni. You’ll be happier and your ears will thank you. Which will be sort of awkward.


  9. No more awkward than being in bed with the precher’s daughter on acid.



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