[Thanks to a Dashboard date change, everything old is new again. Just like your virginity, having been restored to its rightful place (presumably near the “swimsuit area”) by a good old fashioned bout of praying. Originally published on June 7, 2009.]
As discussed in the previous installment, the Lion Tamer family history is a rich tapestry of thieves, liars, drunkards and mediocrity. We’ll take a look here at some more Tamers whose contributions to society were quickly nullified by their casually horrific actions.
Jeremiah Murgatroid Lion Tamer
J.M. was best known for his hideous appearance due to a rare case of “boneitis.” This condition caused his skeleton to grow outside of his skin and troubled doctors all the way into the 30th century, when it was rediscovered in a time-travelling Gordon Gekko-esque businessman. He soon died of complications, having previously bought out the company that was working on the cure.
Despite his horrifying appearance, J.M. was a popular man, and was voted “Mr. Communist” three years running. He is pictured here attempting to persuade young Joseph McCarthy and his family to check out the “party.”
His three-year reign as “Mr. Communist” came to an end, when he was photographed shopping at Wal-Mart. He was stripped of his title, ceremonial sash, jaunty ribbons and any remaining skin.
Abraham Martin Anjean Lion Tamer
As one of the operators of Massachusetts’ first puppy mills, A.M. was an opponent off all things animal-rights related. He worked tirelessly to ensure animal testing remained in place and fired off a fierce rebuttal to Upton Sinclair for his “reckless contempt for slaughterhouse workers,” encouraging him to retract his statements and say hi to his wife and kids, who we wouldn’t want anything to happen to.
He is shown here tweaking a nascent PETA by altering one of their protest signs, this one referencing their opposition of the Lone Ranger’s domestication of his horse. They also pointed out (somewhere) that they were a little miffed with his stereotyped sidekick.
This particular attempt backfired as the addition of the word “imperialism” caused widespread confusion, much like his unfortunate hairdo and his hand-built ladder, which narrowed inexplicably towards the top.
Wolfram Alpha Lion Tamer
W.A. was a thriving performance artist, whose terrifying portrayal of Santa Claus as a homicidal nudist ruined Christmas for 12 years running. His one-man show, as portrayed in the Billy Bob Thornton docu-drama Bad Santa, did manage to win him the attentions of certain females with a Kris Kringle fetish.
One of his groupies, chanteuse and shoplifter Winona Ryder, is depicted here giving birth to twins during an ill-timed joyride to the hospital.
Yancy Midcap Lion Tamer
Self-declared “Emperor of America” and amateur inventor, Y.M. is shown here preparing for a test run of his “Self Contained Overland Floating Apparatus.” Behind him is his life-partner Winthrop Danson Bryan, who was his faithful companion of 38 long and closeted years.
Y.M. doted on Bryan, often surprising him with “monogrammed” hats and other accessories. Bryan would return the favor by labelling every item of Y.M.’s clothing with various “hot” phrases, such as “Imperialism,” “Tammany Hall,” “Colonialism,” “Tea Bagging,” and “Too Big to Fail.”
Bryan aided Y.M. with several crackpot ideas and get-rich-quick schemes, including the Auto-Dialer, the Print Your Own Money at Home Movable Press System, the Patent Trolling Work-at-Home Program for the Infirm and Shut-Ins and, of course, Yuri’s Free Viagra, a joint-venture with his Prussian partner.
Gladstone Rickenbacker Lion Tamer
Being only 5’3″ with a size 6 neck, G.R. had trouble finding properly fitting clothes, in particular accessories such as bow ties, neckties and cravats.
G.R.’s early success as a restaurateurincluded his chain of “Mississippi Fried Badger” restaurants, which thrilled the locals with its selection of fried foods and side dishes. Unfortunately, G.R.’s expansion plans bankrupted the business, as the rest of America was not ready for a fried selection of “critters,” no matter how tasty or secret the recipe.
G.R.’s insistence of appearing in all of the chain’s advertising was also an issue, due to his generally disheveled look, early onset Tourette’s outbursts and bowtie-muffled speech.
Winstone Zephyr Lion Tamer
Referred to by his contemporaries as a “towering, blimp-like metaphor of a man,” W.Z. was known less for his perfectly competent drumming than his eternal struggle with his greatest nemeses: earth and gravity.
Regarded as “harmful crackpot,” W.Z. was often ridiculed and/or burned at the stake for espousing such views as: the earth revolves around the sun, solar eclipses are God’s punishment for Y.M. and Bryan’s relationship, women be different than men, double-coupon days lead to anarchy and Nickelback write subtle, nuanced music.
His unfinished 3,500-page diatribe, Fuck You Science, went with him to his grave, many of the pages badly singed from his multiple trips to the stake.
Eleanor Genovese “Ma” Lion Tamer
A prodigious drinker and early proponent of women’s rights, E.G. ran a successful lunch stand, which was an intregal part of Kansas City’s cattle industry. Hailed by local food critics, her lunch stand was named “Stall of the Year” a record eight times. Among the praise showered on her:
- “If you can get past the overwhelming smell of cow dung, you shan’t be disappointed…” – Kansas City Star
- “You’ll return again and again for this selection of voluptuous sandwiches, and the view is nothing to thumb your nose at either…” – Midwestern “Events”
- “After a heaping selection of breast meat, you’ll certainly want to wash it all down with Ma’s milkshake, which brings all the boys to the stockyard…” – FHM Magazine
-CLT
Fancy Plans... and Pants to Match 