Posts Tagged ‘Lion Tamers’

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 3

September 21, 2010
[And here it is… the last episode of the fakest family tree to ever grace WordPress. Originally published July 7, 2009.]

Time for another dive into the historic dumpster called “Great Lion Tamers of the Past.” As in previous installments (see here, and also, here) we will cast a jaded eye back at the various scoundrels, ne’er-do-wells and boy band managers that secured the Lion Tamers place in history as society’s black eye.

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Jerome Noble Lion Tamer
As the proprietor of upscale strip-mall favorite “Barnes & Noble Heavy-Ass Coffee Table Books,” J.N. gained a reputation for only stocking the most ostentatious titles, each weighing no less that 25 lbs.

He is shown here handling, with disastrous results, Vol. 14 of the U.S. Constitution, on his way to the discount table. Only mildly popular, due to the tremendous amount of revisions, amendments and missing pages, all volumes of the Constitution usually wrapped up the year collecting dust with other deeply discounted tomes.

Older versions were often found placed next to such illustrious and swiftly forgotten favorites, such as The Collected Doodles of Lance Bass, Freight Cars of America, The Collected Nude Portraits of Gertrude Stein, and Booze Broads and Bedlam, the last of which soon became the children’s cherished sketch pad due to its enormous size and completely blank pages.

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Elijah Montegarde Lion Tamer
A former sideshow performer and the 1903 winner of the “Most Ungainly Hairdo: Facial Division” award, E.M. would often “entertain” guests with various feats of daredevilry featuring his indoor cannon.

Named “Congress,” not after the hair-triggered legislative branch, but rather in a very blatant and poorly thought out attempt at subtle innuendo (the other side says “Sexual”). “Congress” was often used as a very frightening form of foreplay in his deviant rumpus room, or “War Office.” E.M. often lamented that no matter how explicit he was about his preferences in his many Craigslist personals, most “War Office Key Parties” tended to be sparsely attended “sausagefests.”

E.M. died alone from a self-inflicted headwound as did “Little Elijah,” who succumbed to a self-inflicted gunshot wound from E.M.’s pistol, “Little Congress.”

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Octavius Rockefeller Lion Tamer
The richest man of all time, O.R. amused himself as only the insanely rich can: by doing insane (and insanely expensive) things. He spent a little over $7 million ($380 billion in today’s dollars) on reconstructive surgery in order to become the largest man on the Eastern seaboard.

Once finished with this physical ordeal, O.R. found it easy to “pocket” Congressmen and Senators, forcing them to run the legislative treadmill for years at a time.

With the Capitol building converted to a rib smoker, O.R. headed east to terrorize Europe and Asia. After a minor struggle with the 300-foot Spectre of Fascism, O.R. strode, unchallenged across Asia. His comeuppance finally occurred in downtown Osaka, Japan, where he was defeated by the eight wonder of the world: Mecha-Godzilla.

Though his outsized remains were greeted by thousands of mourners stateside, astute observers of the funeral noticed a disproportionate amount of “Thank god he’s dead,” and “It couldn’t have happened to a bigger prick” comments, leading modern historians to subsequently place mourners in quotes.

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Roderick Arthur Lion Tamer
Another in a long-line of circus and sideshow performers within the Lion Tamer clan, R.A. turned his years of scamming and entertaining rural yokels into a long run as the official Jester to the President.

After various attempts at politically-charged piano tunes and scathing Letters to the Editor, R.A. soon settled on his bread-and-butter, riding around like a idiot on his handcrafted Silver Dollar Unicycle. Having never bothered to learn juggling, R.A. would simply wave his hands about in a somewhat carefree fashion, using a sort of proto-juggling mime. More often than not, his act consisted entirely of his rolling, fake-juggling antics, all set to the “Benny Hill” theme for maximum comic effect.

Universally reviled, R.A. nonetheless lived a successful life. His show ran for 34 consectutive years as government red tape constantly delayed his dismissal and his multiple appearances in tear-jerking melodramas (The Good Doctor Adams Who Made Laughter from Tears; Good Morning, French Indochina!) gained him new fans, while simultaneously alienating his old ones.

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Phillip Albertson Lion Tamer
A consummate ladies’ man and clotheshorse, P.A. was often seen gadding about town, gold watch on a chain and rohypnol in his pocket. He is seen in this etching, posing for an etching while asking the artist’s assistant if she would like to come see his etching as soon as it is finished and hanging in his bungalow.

Blessed with a smooth tongue, a full head of hair and an honorary doctorate from the University of Phoenix Online, P.A. tore through the fairer sex of Upper Illinois, leaving illegitimate children and bounced checks in his wake.

During his declining years, P.A. began to take stock of his life. As the wolves of paternity bayed mercilessly (and metaphorically) outside his window, P.A. suffered a change of heart, when it went from “ticking away normally” to “not really working at all, is it.”

On his deathbed, P.A. asked his numerous bastard offspring and former paramours to gather close, at which point he delivered his final message to the world: “My will has never been proven legal. Good luck dealing with the state of Illinois and my next of kin, whom I alienated years ago.” His body was buried in the St. Mary Hospital parking lot, after being hurled from the 23rd story window.

His legacy lives on, however, as the tougher restrictions and faster moving wage garnishments have been entitled “Phillip’s Law,” which also requires those arrested for child support non-payment to post signs in their yard stating that they steal from children and single mothers and are required to stay at least 500 feet from bars, casinos, hotels and family planning clinics.

-CLT

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 2

September 12, 2010
[Thanks to a Dashboard date change, everything old is new again. Just like your virginity, having been restored to its rightful place (presumably near the “swimsuit area”) by a good old fashioned bout of praying. Originally published on June 7, 2009.]

As discussed in the previous installment, the Lion Tamer family history is a rich tapestry of thieves, liars, drunkards and mediocrity. We’ll take a look here at some more Tamers whose contributions to society were quickly nullified by their casually horrific actions.

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Jeremiah Murgatroid Lion Tamer
J.M. was best known for his hideous appearance due to a rare case of “boneitis.” This condition caused his skeleton to grow outside of his skin and troubled doctors all the way into the 30th century, when it was rediscovered in a time-travelling Gordon Gekko-esque businessman. He soon died of complications, having previously bought out the company that was working on the cure.

Despite his horrifying appearance, J.M. was a popular man, and was voted “Mr. Communist” three years running. He is pictured here attempting to persuade young Joseph McCarthy and his family to check out the “party.”

His three-year reign as “Mr. Communist” came to an end, when he was photographed shopping at Wal-Mart. He was stripped of his title, ceremonial sash, jaunty ribbons and any remaining skin.

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Abraham Martin Anjean Lion Tamer
As one of the operators of Massachusetts’ first puppy mills, A.M. was an opponent off all things animal-rights related. He worked tirelessly to ensure animal testing remained in place and fired off a fierce rebuttal to Upton Sinclair for his “reckless contempt for slaughterhouse workers,” encouraging him to retract his statements and say hi to his wife and kids, who we wouldn’t want anything to happen to.

He is shown here tweaking a nascent PETA by altering one of their protest signs, this one referencing their opposition of the Lone Ranger’s domestication of his horse. They also pointed out (somewhere) that they were a little miffed with his stereotyped sidekick.

This particular attempt backfired as the addition of the word “imperialism” caused widespread confusion, much like his unfortunate hairdo and his hand-built ladder, which narrowed inexplicably towards the top.

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Wolfram Alpha Lion Tamer
W.A. was a thriving performance artist, whose terrifying portrayal of Santa Claus as a homicidal nudist ruined Christmas for 12 years running. His one-man show, as portrayed in the Billy Bob Thornton docu-drama Bad Santa, did manage to win him the attentions of certain females with a Kris Kringle fetish.

One of his groupies, chanteuse and shoplifter Winona Ryder, is depicted here giving birth to twins during an ill-timed joyride to the hospital.

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Yancy Midcap Lion Tamer
Self-declared “Emperor of America” and amateur inventor, Y.M. is shown here preparing for a test run of his “Self Contained Overland Floating Apparatus.” Behind him is his life-partner Winthrop Danson Bryan, who was his faithful companion of 38 long and closeted years.

Y.M. doted on Bryan, often surprising him with “monogrammed” hats and other accessories. Bryan would return the favor by labelling every item of Y.M.’s clothing with various “hot” phrases, such as “Imperialism,” “Tammany Hall,” “Colonialism,” “Tea Bagging,” and “Too Big to Fail.”

Bryan aided Y.M. with several crackpot ideas and get-rich-quick schemes, including the Auto-Dialer, the Print Your Own Money at Home Movable Press System, the Patent Trolling Work-at-Home Program for the Infirm and Shut-Ins and, of course, Yuri’s Free Viagra, a joint-venture with his Prussian partner.

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Gladstone Rickenbacker Lion Tamer
Being only 5’3″ with a size 6 neck, G.R. had trouble finding properly fitting clothes, in particular accessories such as bow ties, neckties and cravats.

G.R.’s early success as a restaurateurincluded his chain of “Mississippi Fried Badger” restaurants, which thrilled the locals with its selection of fried foods and side dishes. Unfortunately, G.R.’s expansion plans bankrupted the business, as the rest of America was not ready for a fried selection of “critters,” no matter how tasty or secret the recipe.

G.R.’s insistence of appearing in all of the chain’s advertising was also an issue, due to his generally disheveled look, early onset Tourette’s outbursts and bowtie-muffled speech.

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Winstone Zephyr Lion Tamer
Referred to by his contemporaries as a “towering, blimp-like metaphor of a man,” W.Z. was known less for his perfectly competent drumming than his eternal struggle with his greatest nemeses: earth and gravity.

Regarded as “harmful crackpot,” W.Z. was often ridiculed and/or burned at the stake for espousing such views as: the earth revolves around the sun, solar eclipses are God’s punishment for Y.M. and Bryan’s relationship, women be different than men, double-coupon days lead to anarchy and Nickelback write subtle, nuanced music.

His unfinished 3,500-page diatribe, Fuck You Science, went with him to his grave, many of the pages badly singed from his multiple trips to the stake.

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Eleanor Genovese “Ma” Lion Tamer
A prodigious drinker and early proponent of women’s rights, E.G. ran a successful lunch stand, which was an intregal part of Kansas City’s cattle industry. Hailed by local food critics, her lunch stand was named “Stall of the Year” a record eight times. Among the praise showered on her:

  • “If you can get past the overwhelming smell of cow dung, you shan’t be disappointed…” – Kansas City Star
  • “You’ll return again and again for this selection of voluptuous sandwiches, and the view is nothing to thumb your nose at either…” – Midwestern “Events”
  • “After a heaping selection of breast meat, you’ll certainly want to wash it all down with Ma’s milkshake, which brings all the boys to the stockyard…” – FHM Magazine

-CLT