Relationship? Friend: Or How to Visit Nigeria on Less than $145 USD/Day

[The following is the entertaining story of a three-day dialogue with yet another Nigerian scam artist. As was the case with the email exchange, I may find this more entertaining than anyone else, especially the earnest scammer on the receiving end.

So, without selling this short any further, here it is: the full conversation with “Richard Thompson” of “Fedex Nigeria.” No names have been changed as I highly doubt there’s any innocence in here at all.]

From: MARIAM ASHJAEI

You have a bank draff of some amount in USD,contact the fedexcourier
company for claims with your informations. Contact person, Mr.Richard
Thompson.Contact This Email:(fexdexcomp@gmail.com)

…

Mr. Richard Thompson –

Thank you for the informations on my bank draff. I am curious to know how many USD are included in this draff, as the original email only narrowed it down to “some.” Thanks in advance for any informations you can give me. 

CLT

…

FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, WEST AFRICA
EDO STATE,NIGERIA.

Dear CLT,

In respect to your email, I have been awaiting for you to contact me for the delivery of your check of $780,000,00.You can as well come down to this branch to pick up your package or even send someone to pick it up on your behalf. More so, the phone number works perfectly and I will advise you cross the number again as it is below this mail.

There is this Mr.Wellington who came to our company last week to place your check on out going delivery, he has already paid for the insurance fee and the delivery charges. But he did not pay for the security keeping fee due to the fact that we did not know when you will be contacting us via mail or phone to inform us that we have your check, so we advised him not to pay for the security keeping fee of the courier company so far but we informed him to contact you on time so you will not have to pay more than $145 USD on demurrage and we do not operate COD{Cost On Delivery} on a charge like this.

All you need to do right now to get your check delivered to your door step is to go ahead and pay the security keeping fee of the courier company so far.The fee is $145.00 USD only, you are to come up with this fee as to process the delivery of your package for immediate dispatch.

Payment should be made via western union money transfer only for security purpose, payment details are listed below.

Name:Mr Kingsley Enogun
Address: Benin City, Edo State Nigeria.
Text Question to be used: Relationship?
Text Answer: Friend

You have to send down the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) and your complete postal address. Reconfirm your full name, address, country and most important your phone number.

Get back to me with your payment details, I will have to send Mr.Wellington a mail that you have contacted me regarding the check he left for you. Note that your tracking number would be provided to you as soon as the payment has been made and confirmed by us.

Have a wonderful time. Please call me anytime you need any assistance.

Regards
Mr.Richard Thompson
Dispatch Director.
Tel:(+234)8037361050

…

Richard –

Thank you for the informations. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the “some” amount of USD is a whopping $780,000. This was much more than what I would normally describe as “some,” which I had pegged at around $18.50.

However, it comes as no surprise to me that Mr. Wellington has, shall we say, “welshed” on the security keeping fee. I have been Mr. Wellington’s erstwhile guest at the pub on several occasions and he has always managed to make himself quite scarce when the check arrives. He often uses impeccable timing to be in the restroom, taking a personal car or pretending he doesn’t recognize me when the bartender presents the tab.

I would love to be able to pay this fee for him, but tell him that this is absolutely the last time I will be willing to do this. Only the promise of $780,000 USD is keeping me from sending him a sternly worded reprimand on his loutish behavior.

A few issues will be keeping me from paying this fee immediately.

1. I am currently in Greenland, avoiding extradition for some extraordinarily large library fines. As I am unfamiliar with the “lay of the land,” I would need directions to the nearest Western Union office or Greenlandish equivalent.

2. I am also unfamiliar with the exchange rate. Would you be able to convert $145 USD into the local currency? (I think it’s either elk hides or shiny rocks.)

3. You state in your email that both a “security keeping fee” and a “demurrage” fee will need to be paid. Is the $145 USD for both or are there separate costs? Am I liable for both or can I just pick one to pay? (If so, I would like to choose the one that actually makes sense.)

Once I have these answers, I will proceed posthaste to the nearest check cashing facility to send “some” amount of USD (approx. $145) to:

Name: Sir Ben Kingsley
City: Benin City “Home of the Waffle Cone”
Text Question to be Used: “Who’s the moustachioed private dick who’s a sex machine for all the available women of a certain social status?”
Answer: “Poirot!”

Thanks in advance for your prompt response.

Sincerely,
CLT

P.S. You’d be surprised how little “green” there is in Greenland. Makes me think I’ve been misinformed…

…

Attention: Mr CLT

We got your mail. You can visit western union site http://www.westernunion.com to see any of there office closed to you.

I do not actually know your local currency. But you can visit xe.com to be able make the conversion.

Yes the amount will cover them, as confirm from my information. All you need do is to proceed with the payment immediately to enable us carryout the delivery.Remember the information you need to make the transfer:

Name:Mr Kingsley Enogun
Address: Benin City, Edo State Nigeria.
Text Question to be used: Relationship?
Text Answer: Friend

And also remember to send us the transfer information like the sender name,amount sent,country and the money transfer control number(MTCN).

Expect your mail as soon as possible to enable us commence delivery.

Mr.Richard Thompson
Dispatch Director.
Tel:(+234)8037361050

…

Richard Thompson –

Thank you for your somewhat prompt response and I apologize for the delay in mine.

I took a look at the Western Union website (thanks for that), but a quick trip out to a couple of locations showed that they were, unfortunately, closed to me. I’m not sure whether this is due to my continued misunderstanding of the local time zone or if it’s due to me (as is repeatedly pointed out) “not being from around here.”

I also checked out the exchange rate (again, thanks for the link) and it looks very favorable. The dollar must be especially weak right now, as a single elk hide is fetching nearly $850 USD. Thank god for the recession, eh? Not only that, but I am flush with elk hides thanks to a recent forest explosion. (Officials are citing the forest for not being up to code.)

I have the elk hides on the way to the nearest currency exchange as we speak. I chose a native to deliver them (via dogsled) and it’s hoped that his rugged Greenlandish looks will bypass the locals’ xenophobia and allow him to wire you the $145 USD.

He hopes to reach the office by nightfall, which I believe is Sunday. (I’m never going to get used to this “midnight sun.”) He did express some confidence in arriving sooner as a rash of exploding forests has made his trip nearly obstacle-free. There’s a good chance you’ll have the $145 USD in your hands by tomorrow.

I just want to double-check the wiring info:

Name: Kingsley Amis
Location: Edo City – Next 4 Exits
Question: What has two thumbs and loves to lord this fact over a majority of the animal kingdom?
Answer: This guy!! (I’m pointing both thumbs inward, indicating myself.)

Your MTCN and transfer information will be sent by my courier, hopefully enabling commence and carryout as soon as possible.

IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE PAYMENT WITHIN THE NEXT 12 HOURS, PLEASE EMAIL ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I CAN MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS.

Sincerely,
CLT

(P.S. My apologies for my statements made earlier regarding Mr. Wellington. You were most likely referring to ARTHUR Wellington while I was referring to GENE Wellington, a known kleptomaniac and erstwhile degenerate.

Gene Wellington tore through my life a few years ago, leaving behind nothing but empty DVD cases and bulb-less table lamps. The DVDs will eventually be replaced and new lightbulbs purchased, but the damage to my soul may never be repaired.

Last I heard, he was headed to the States [with several of my personal possessions] to try his hand at “blogging” and writing books. The cad.

Arthur, on the other hand, is a saint. I would trust him with your life.)

[Unfortunately, this was the end of the line. I’m not sure what may have been the element that pushed “Richard” to toss this into his personal “junkmail” slot. Was it Mr. Wellington’s backstory? The “midnight sun”? Dogsleds? I guess we’ll never know.

Which brings me to Point B, which I completely failed to reference earlier.

Yet another side project, bearing the unlikely URL of http://thepenismadeoutofspam.wordpress.com/, and inspired by this unsettling spam comment, has been erected… so to speak. It is my intention (which is usually much, much greater than my follow-thru) to turn this new piece of half-assed blogging into a spam aggregator, collecting the worst, most disturbing and otherwise just-a-tad-off pieces of spam floating around the internet.

Take a look around and if you’ve got anything post-worthy, hit the Submission tab to find out where to send it in. Thanks in advance for your humouring of me.]

-CLT