Hey, Big Spender!

As the government at all levels continues to look for those elusive revenue streams, the seem to ignore some very exploitable cash cows. Right now their focus seems to be on gas (higher taxes, per mile taxes) and, of course, the old punching bag, cigarettes.Every time I light up, I try to look past the additional $.70/pack I’m paying and instead focus on the inner city health care I’m apparently providing. It is important that the underprivileged youngsters stay healthy as nothing fucks up a successful crack operation faster than an asthmatic 10-year old who can’t do any heavy lifting or outrun the cops.

But as noted economist/delivery boy Philip J. Fry once said, “You can only take my money for so long, before you take it all!”

Some suggestions for additional taxes (“Now with 50% less representation!”):

 

Prostitution
I know that this will be a tough sell, what with our representatives being more used to whoring themselves out, but it might be a refreshing change to don the Purple Suede Hat of Pimping (+3) for awhile.

Think of the benefits. No more turf wars over the best corners. Healthier hoes. Excise taxes collected on “the deed.” Awesome higher tax bracket incomes. All above the table (income-wise, anyway) and all on the books. An additional chapter or two in public school health books. Fewer communicable diseases. Fewer beatings from pimps/johns. Law enforcement freed from punishing victimless crimes. Win-win all around.

And if your stable of rockstars would prefer to work for drugs, please see the next entry.

Drugs
Now here’s something the government is used to doing. Pushing. They shove public schools, subsidies, tax increases, hybrid vehicles, ethanol, warrantless wiretaps and thug-like airport security down our throats. Why not start pushing something the people want?

The benefits? No more throwing $50 billion+ down the k-hole. Tax on sales. Tax on purchases. Tax on supplies. Tax on dealer incomes (punish the rich). Fewer inmates means less of a tax drain on the public. (My apologies to those towns in the middle of nowhere who have used the burgeoning inmate population to outfit the local high school with a jumbotron and 30,000-seat stadium. Find another gravy train, leeches.) Cleaner, safer drugs. Cleaner, safer streets. Three or four new chapters in the health book. Child labor laws may need to be relaxed, though.

Bottled Water
Perhaps the most redundant product ever created. The stuff is already overpriced and available thru your motherfucking tap. If people want to pay $1.29-1.69 per 20 oz. of dressed-up New Jersey tap water, then I doubt they’ll much care if they suddenly have to pay $1.69-2.09 a bottle. Especially if you tie the tax hike to some middle class guilt triggers, like Alaskan wilderness reserves, inner city schools or some such bullshit.

And let’s not forget the under-exploited rave crowd. While they’re enjoying your heavily-taxed Ecstasy, feel free to turn off the water fountains and bathroom taps and start raking in $6/bottle. All tax. All night long.

 

Hybrids
Since people are already purchasing these more for status than for any sound fiscal potential, add a couple of grand in taxes to the sticker price. State lotteries have already proven you can tax the ignorant. The downside to this is that lotteries, etc. tend to tax the lower classes, who have a finite supply of cash to throw away and tend to absorb at least as much tax as they provide.

Once again, it is time to soak the rich. And the reasonably well-off. And anyone else falling along the “Upper Middle Class Twit” tax bracket. Any purchase motivated by Ed Begley-esque self-satisfaction or white guilt can’t possibly be taxed enough.

Booze
Granted, this is taxed already. But is it taxed enough? No one’s allowed to light up within 200 feet of anywhere but you can still booze your way into a vehicular homicide charge without everyone coughing conspicuously or comparing you to Hitler. Secondhand smoke may kill, but it takes those years of the end of “innocent” people’s lives, rather than demanding it up front like a drunk driver coming through the living room window.

Besides, this whole sin tax on cigarettes reeks of hypocrisy.

Is it the health thing? It’s not ok to destroy your lungs, but it is ok to destroy your liver, kidneys and brain. Too much heart disease with the Marlboro men (and women)? What about all those gorging themselves into a lifelong case of diabetes before succumbing to massive heart failure?

Either tax the fuck out of everything harmful or don’t bother. You’re fooling no one. Besides, you may finally get those bitchy bar owners off your back by chasing out what’s left of their crowd with scarily high drink prices. Serves ’em right for trying to get ahead in America, the land of opportunity the level playing field.

-CLT