Great Lion Tamers of the Past

[Oh, look! It’s some history! With pictures! Originally published May 24, 2009.]

In an effort to prove that not all Lion Tamers are insubordinate wastrels, here’s a brief history of just a few of the many great Lion Tamers of the past.

William Danforth Lion Tamer
A noted robber baron and all-around good guy, William’s distinctive look came about after a long night of booze and opium. After chasing women and “the dragon” for several hours, he made an ill-fated visit to an underqualified plastic surgeon and tattooist, in that order.

W.D.’s penchant for mind-altering substances often caused him to appear in public with lewd phrases written on them. His long dormant patent for “Printing of Lewd Messages On or About the Buttocks of Garments” was snatched up by several clothing manufacturers around the turn of the century (21st, that is), including Aeropostale, whose slogan is “Drawing Attention to Your Daughter’s Ass Since 2005”.

Ishmael Rimbaud Lion Tamer
Noted Detroit slum lord and general villain. Pictured here counting the monthly take with the highly-touted “scenic view” of “Eminent Domain Terrace” in the background.

Although he was one of the first landlords to provide tap water to his tenants (“Cold” and “Colder”), he was also known to mislead potential customers with promises of “breathable air” and “minimal silverfish infestations.” His last brochure promised “easy access to hundreds of limb-threatening jobs” and highlighted their proximity to “several leading schools, from which to draw your workforce.”

Henry Monteblanc Pickwick Lion Tamer
H.M. Lion Tamer was a well-known raconteur and ladies’ man, due to his unnaturally large trust fund. He is shown here perusing an early issue of the self-published Daily Word Preƒƒ, featuring such diversions as:

• ƒicke Dayƒ
• Sundamental Jelly
• Proud Rambling Rooƒter of Democracy
• The Rightful Internment of Foreign Muckraker, Ram V.
• Mr. Tannerleah’ƒ Liƒt of Greivanceƒ

Other popular features included 19-year-old Donald Mill’s fiery articles condemning the actions of his peers and Craigƒliƒt’s Miƒƒed Connectionƒ, which featured invitations to all sorts of debauchery and fisticuffs.

Maude Beachcomber Lion Tamer
Maude, the protagonist of David Bowie’s Suffragette City, was a BDSM enthusiast who often showed “special treatment” to those in power. This portrait depicts her displeasure with “Silent” Cal Coolidge’s refusal to provide a safety word.

A 45-minute session ran around $12 and culminated in some affectionate bussing and a shocking glimpse of ankle.

Reginald Nordstrom Lion Tamer
Noted early plastics innovator. His untimely death came about during a heated argument about the “future” between two of his employees, Benjamin Braddock and Lloyd Dobler. As he tried to break up the squabble, he was knocked into the pressure molder. Several hours later, R.N. has become the world’s first bobblehead doll, doomed to be given away at St. Paul Saints games for years to come.

He was eulogized with: “He threw his life into his work, inadvertently. Go Saints!”

Jackson “Jack” Charles Lion Tamer
One of the few British Lion Tamers, J.C. travelled the world over, faithful umbrella at his side. A man of few words and fewer thoughts, J.C. never left the British Isles without his bandoleer, sword, chip on his shoulder and Union Jack shoved jauntily into his skull.

Artemis Xerxes Lion Tamer
Cursed with gigantism, due to a thyroid condition and a vengeful God, A.X. enjoyed the rare privilege of being able to ride a roller coaster at the age of 18 months. Guiness declared him the “World’s Tallest Man,” a title he would hold from 1850-1899.

He, and other helpful but smaller giants, were a boon to the bustling railroad industry. His success was short-lived, however. Union Pacific heads soon discovered that he was not a “Chinaman,” and therefore, would be requiring real wages and full meal rations.

After this layoff, he travelled from town to town, terrorizing buffet owners and schoolchildren alike, offering “Sideburn Rides” for a nickel.

Pierre Zimmerman Hilton Lion Tamer
Founder of the United States Magazine (or US Magazine), which lit the fire for such powderkegs as “Brad Cheats on Angie,” “Lindsay Lohan in Lesbian Love Triangle,” and “Kevin Federline Masturbates Furiously.”

Pictured here sitting literally on a powderkeg.

Michael (Michelle) Nesbitt Lion Tamer
The first transgendered Lion Tamer, Michael left the country in 1901, fed up with the pressure of semi-regular voting and providing for a family due to his “breadwinner” status.

He returned from Sweden in 1902 as a woman, and immediately jumped into the Women’s Suffrage movement, leading protests for the right to vote and higher wages for women.

-CLT