Posts Tagged ‘Young and the Restless’

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

October 16, 2009

TV party tonight! TV party tonight! We’ve got nothing better to do, than watch TV all afternoon long with only our many cats and boxes of wine for company.

(Please note that this crass generalization was made for comic effect. I am only insinuating that soap opera fans are lonely people with several cats and a drinking problem.)

... have been written the fuck out of my will, the little shits.

... have been written the fuck out of my will, the little shits.

This week on the All My Children
Erica is traded to The Young and the Restless for $30,000 in cash and a player to be named later. Leo lights cigar, puts feet on desk and stares at the ceiling. Maggie is surprised to see the Dow is off in mixed trading. Leo’s evil twin surfaces; is dismissed as a tired plot device. Zach celebrates the Chinese New Year by ordering some takeout; blowing up several small office buildings. Kendall’s suicide attempt doesn’t “take,” leading to some uncomfortable conversations with those she singled out in her suicide note. Greenlee wins second prize in a beauty contest, which she immediately applies to her mortgage on Baltic Avenue.

Barely ahead of "One Life to Waste" in the ratings.

Barely ahead of "One Life to Waste" in the ratings.

This week on One Life to Live
Agnes’ decision to buy a new hat results in a domestic disturbance call. Amanda blames her latest affair on “gout complications.” Bo instigates a brawl with the phrase, “I’m all out of bubblegum;” spends the next 20 minutes getting the shit kicked out of him in the alley. Blair trips over some dialogue; accidentally breaks fourth wall. In a very special episode, Cole discovers it is better to give than to receive, especially in regards to “donkey punches.” Langston’s increasing friction with the writers results in him lapsing into an indefinite catatonic state. Charlie finally receives State Food Safety Certification; celebrates with a case of Old Milwaukee, salmonella. Natalie confronts her birth parents about their suddenly convoluted backstory.

-CLT

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

September 17, 2009

Time for the weekly update on the adulterous goings-on of your favorite has-been and never-was actors and actresses. And by “your,” I mean of course, not mine.

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

This week on All My Children
Erica “goes black;” considers not going back. Leo downloads and installs Windows Updates. A marriage counselor suggests Maggie spice up her failing relationship with a soft-focus montage. A malfunctioning Operation game opens a hole into another, vaguely familiar dimension. Leo decides pants are “in” this year. Zach asks Kendall if she can touch her elbows together behind her back. Acid flashbacks for Frank; normal flashbacks for Greenlee.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

This week on One Life to Live
After a long discussion, Agnes just decides to do the damn grocery shopping herself. Amanda receives an invitation to the Black Lodge. Bo speaks in thinly disguised metaphors. With the Emmy nominations right around the corner, Blair suddenly goes retarded. Mostly sunny with a 20% chance of rain. While enjoying some off-camera deep sea diving, Cole succumbs to the bends; becomes a Radiohead fan for life. Langston sucks at backgammon. Charlie’s collection of rare soul records remains unappreciated. Natalie shocks everyone by announcing she is pregnant and unable to conceive.

-CLT