Posts Tagged ‘Wood’

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New from Time/Life Books

June 10, 2009

 

Alright. The guest bathroom is finished. What's next?

Alright. The guest bathroom is finished. What's next?

It’s summer again and time to crack open the garage, toolbox and several hundred PBR’s. The tireless fanatics at Time/Life have been cranking out book after book, each one just waiting to yank your free time away from you. Here’s a brief look at some of the new additions.

How to Kill Your Idols – Thurston Moore with Mark David Chapman

Brick Wall Construction: No Education Needed! – Norm Abram with Roger Waters

101 Fad Gadgets: Assemble at Home for Fun and Profit!

Light Bulb Installation: Thorough Instructions for Polaks, Blondes, Lawyers, Drummers, Government Employees, etc.

Building Your Own Language: A Combustulant Display of Wordsmithering by Don King and Al Sharpton

Tennis Shoe Assembly: Malaysian Edition (3rd Grade Level Reading Required)

What Color Is Your Parachute?: Bernie Madoff Will Let You Know

How to Handle Any Emergency – includes instructions on common emergencies such as:
– McDonald’s out of McRibs
– Unruly McDonald’s drive-thru customers
– Being called fat
– Being called drunk and fat
– Room cleaning-related violence

Fritzling Up Your Basement: Austria’s Best-Kept Remodeling Secrets

Dorm Room Decorating – includes tips on:
– Cinderblock shelving
– Pizza box desks
– Which porn magazines should you have on your coffee table
– 101 great bong stashes
– Milk crate CD storage
– Where the fuck is my student aid?

Holy Fuck! Water’s Not Working: the Amateur’s Guide to Household Wiring

Backyard Archaeology: Digging in the Dirt – hidden “treasure” examples:
– Tab can (ca. 1982)
– Matchbox cars
– Cinnamon, the dog you thought went to “live on a farm”
– Missing pages from Laura Palmer’s diary
– Stacy Peterson
– Thousands of pissed-off fire ants
– Used condom
– Buried power lines
– Peter Gabriel

Projects You Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Build, Snap-On Tools or No
Firepits
– Treehouses with zip lines
– Anything involving depleted uranium
– Guantanamo Bay replica
– Particle accelerators
– Affronts to God

Cellphone Photography – tips on these tricky shots:
– Underskirt
– Restroom lighting
– Photographing yourself nude
– Concerts
– Your supposedly hilarious friends romping in a carefree fashion
– That douchebag keying your car

Woodworking (and Other Double Entendres) – includes:
– Tool handling
– Hand lathing
– Screw driving
– Hammering
– Drilling
– Pounding
– Banging
– When to use “That’s what she said,” for maximum effect
– Steadying your erection
– Using nuts
– Inserting your penis into her vagina, possibly repeatedly

101 Half-Assed Projects – examples include:
– “Light-switch covers. I am in the zone.”
– “That looks pretty straight.”
– “Maybe a shim or two might help.”
– “I’ve got some picture nails…”
– “I’ll sand it now, and seal it right before winter…”
– “Airplane line and a birdhouse? Now we’re playing with power!”

The Inept Handyman’s Guide to Artful Swearing: Thousands of Useful Phrases
“Holy mother of God, my finger!”
– “Jesus fucking Jones, 3/16″ off shouldn’t be that much of a problem!”
– “Mortise-and-tenon framing? What eggheaded cocksucker wrote these instructions?”
– “‘It is best to be two people?’ Fuck you, you stainless-steel whore!”
– “Hold at shoulder level? For how fucking long? Until my fucking arms fall off, you worthless piece of shit?”

Installing Your Own Home Security System – tips for handling these common situations:
– Talking down angry law enforcement after the seventh false alarm in two hours
– Trimming your run to the reset panel to 10 seconds or less
– That cat has got to go
– Quit touching the goddamn windows! Jesus, here come the cops again.

Where the Sidewalk Ends: You, Your Water Lines and City Hall

Birdhouses and Shit: Hundreds of Ways to Waste Your Children’s Summer Vacation and Make the Best Use of Your Inadequate Tool Selection

Settling Homeowner Disputes – examples include:
– So, suddenly it’s my tree after it takes out the windshield of your Beamer.
– Stop measuring my grass with a caliper, you anal piece of shit.
– You know, if you really want me out of your neighborhood, maybe you should stop rewriting all my signs to say, “For Sale: By Asshole.”
– I don’t see anywhere in the association agreement where it specifically states that I cannot construct a moat and drawbridge.
– I don’t know what you’re so upset about. The shallow, unmarked graves are several feet within my property lines.

The Super 8 Guide to Interior Decorating – tips on:
– Brown lamps, yellow shades: classics never get old
– Thrift shop paintings add some ambiance and a hint of quiet desperation to any room
– Which carpet colors hide blood, vomit and other bodily fluids
– Searing fluorescent lighting can make any bathroom look larger; dirtier

Get a Lawyer!: The Bruce Williams Guide to Property Ownership

-CLT

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