Posts Tagged ‘Voting’

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A Letter to Voters

October 12, 2009
"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..."

Dear Registered Voter:

With the election season upon us yet again, like an overaggressive and needy lover, I just wanted to take a few minutes of your time to ask for your support. This is my first race for the recently and tragically vacated city council seat, and as a long-time privileged outsider, I feel I have the qualifications need to fill this position.

I think I would prove to be a valuable addition to our city’s legislative team. Here are some of my past achievements which I believe will give me a “leg up” on my opponent, Tim Wilkins.

  • All-district debate team alternate (Junior and Senior years).
  • Co-promoter for 1998’s Mixed Doubles Ultimate Fighting Championship, whose proceeds went directly to local domestic violence shelters
  • Sign waver #31 at last year’s Democratic National Convention
  • Purchaser of over $1200 in bake sale goods (1987-present)
  • Have watched Wag the Dog over a dozen times
  • Once, while kind of tuned up and listening to Toby Keith on the jukebox, kicked a guy’s ass for questioning our country’s foreign policy decisions
  • Voted twice in our most recent national election, thanks to a loophole in our town charter (a loophole I intend to close after this coming election)
  • Extra-large trust fund makes me less susceptible to bribes or misuse of public funds, at least theoretically.
  • That guy whose ass I kicked? My opponent, Tim Wilkins. A letter has been sent to his campaign headquarters requesting he change his slogan to: “Tim Wilkins: Talks Like a Commie; Hits Like a Girl”

While this powerful body of work should assure you that I am the man for the job, I would also like to take this opportunity to run down my stance on several important issues facing our 2,800 registered voters.

Proposed 4-way Stop at the Intersection of Willow and Pine
Despite the fact that I drive past this intersection daily on my way to the adult bookstore and have no desire to stop, much less slow down at this point, I think we cannot ignore the fact that there have been two (2) accidents in the last 31 years. Perhaps the last one was the most tragic, as a busful of children collided with another busful of smaller children. Fortunately there were no injuries (or witnesses), but it could have gone another way.

My vote: Yes on Prop. 127

Property Tax Hike Adjustment
As much as we would all like to see your taxes stay unchanged, pressing issues at the local school make a case for additional funding. Chief among these would be additional funds for the Music Department, which would free them from having to make the tough choice between new instruments or new uniforms.

Voting Yes on Prop. 131 would free district parents from either watching a band wearing nothing but their shiny new instruments or “listening” to a field full of smartly-dressed mimes.

My Vote: Yes on Prop. 131

Anti-Sag Legislation
Another “hot button” topic is the Baggy Pants Ban, which was put to a popular vote earlier this year. Although this bill passed with a healthy 69% of the vote, various interfering entities have stalled enforcement of said bill with claims that the bill itself is “unconstitutional.”

Unfortunately for those challenging the ordinance, the town charter contains many clauses and loopholes that allow the governing body to circumvent the U.S. Constitution altogether. For example, Article 12(a).2 states:

The Town’s governing body is encouraged to act as a ‘law unto itself’ and is not subject to overreaching legislation at the State or National level.

It also states that each elected official will be allowed to hold that office “for life,” subject only to “promotion/demotion, voter recall or vigilante justice.”

My Vote: Unchanged on Prop. 151 (a.k.a. the Baggy Pants Ban)

Thank you for your time and I hope that I can look forward to your vote in November.

-CLT

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Letters to the Editor

August 14, 2009
Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

In our endless efforts to collect as much useless information as possible, our research team at Fancy Plans has compiled the letters to the editor from nearly 300 major newspapers (including AP, those litigious motherfuckers). After several days of sifting data and making shit up, the final tallies rolled in.

We now present you with the most common topics for letters to the editor, listed in order from most common to least common. There’s no need to thank us. Your slightly drunken smiles are all the payment our abused interns need.

Questioning periodical’s political leanings
Abortion rights (against)
Abortion rights (for)
Low voter turnout
Gun control (for)
Gun control (against)
Gun control (undecided)
Gay marriage (against)
Gay marriage (for)
Gay marriage announcements

Taxes (too high)
Taxes (too low – gasoline)
Taxes (too low – cigarettes)
Taxes (too low – porn)
Taxes (drunken rambling about the price of cigarettes and porn)
Taxes (pro-Tea Party)
Taxes (anti-Tea Party)
Taxes (Biggest and Best State evar!) 

How the old days were better
Reckless driving (teens)
Reckless driving (elderly)
Calls for a four-way intersection to be installed directly in front of writer’s house
Why did the library stop “renting” videotapes?

City councilman baiting 

Oil prices too high
Oil prices too low (Al Gore; Prius dealers only)
Why ethanol is a waste of money
Why ethanol is the best thing since overpriced produce

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

Congratulations for all involved at poorly-attended local event
Complaints about low turnout at poorly-attended local event
Why “X” needs more public money for “Y”
Why property taxes need to be raised
Public school suxx
Public school roxx
Public school = free babysitting!

Complaints about public’s ignorance of obscure nationality-specific quasi-holiday
Inappropriate language in PG movie
Inappropriate language at local baseball game
Inappropriate language at Denny’s

Conspiracy theories (birth certificate)
Conspiracy theories (Sept. 11)
Conspiracy theories (Billy Mays + Freemasons + U.N. + Grand Theft Auto IV = Four Horseman of the Apocalypse)
Conspiracy theories (My two apartment neighbors are stealing my paper, alternating days)

Astroturf grab bag

Church attendance (too low)
Church attendance (too high – c’mon folks, chip in. The folding chairs won’t pay for themselves.)
Utility bills (too high)
Utility bills (conspiracy theory crossovers)
Utility infielder (Mark Bellhorn)

Disagreements about Top 50 Songs of the New Millennium (misdirected from Spin magazine?)
Griping about lack of support for piss poor local team
Unruly zoo animals
Lists of platitudes
Drunken tirades
Inexplicable defenses of Liz Taylor; Diana Ross

Medicare Plan B not covering brand name medication, 14K Gold MedicAlert bracelets, Enzyte
Medicare Plan B not covering jack shit, apparently
I’m sorry. Could you speak up? I’m a little hard of hearing.

The bad service the writer got at local business no one gives a shit about
Not enough handicapped parking spaces at local business no one gives a shit about
Owner of local business that no one gives a shit about defending lack of parking spaces, jackass employees and begging people to please, please, please start giving a shit

Concern about lack of coverage given to issue near and dear to only the writer
Irritable letter displaying the writer’s false sense of entitlement
Pointlessly bitchy letter in response to large number of recent pointlessly bitchy letters
Wandering, pointless letters about cats, landscaping issues, Mad Dog 20/20, etc.
Letter from Mom (put in wrong envelope)

Well written, thought-provoking letters

-CLT