Posts Tagged ‘Updates’

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

September 17, 2009

Time for the weekly update on the adulterous goings-on of your favorite has-been and never-was actors and actresses. And by “your,” I mean of course, not mine.

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

This week on All My Children
Erica “goes black;” considers not going back. Leo downloads and installs Windows Updates. A marriage counselor suggests Maggie spice up her failing relationship with a soft-focus montage. A malfunctioning Operation game opens a hole into another, vaguely familiar dimension. Leo decides pants are “in” this year. Zach asks Kendall if she can touch her elbows together behind her back. Acid flashbacks for Frank; normal flashbacks for Greenlee.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

This week on One Life to Live
After a long discussion, Agnes just decides to do the damn grocery shopping herself. Amanda receives an invitation to the Black Lodge. Bo speaks in thinly disguised metaphors. With the Emmy nominations right around the corner, Blair suddenly goes retarded. Mostly sunny with a 20% chance of rain. While enjoying some off-camera deep sea diving, Cole succumbs to the bends; becomes a Radiohead fan for life. Langston sucks at backgammon. Charlie’s collection of rare soul records remains unappreciated. Natalie shocks everyone by announcing she is pregnant and unable to conceive.

-CLT

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

September 3, 2009

Well. What do we have here? A returning feature?

Yes. Yes, we do. (Here’s the first shot.) A feature that proved so popular during its debut that I have brought it back for another spin and will probably continue to do so until all interest is lost (you go first).

Followed by "The Hideous and Deformed."

Followed by "The Hideous and Deformed."

This week on The Young & The Restless
Jack’s painkiller addiction is hinted at; quickly dismissed. Sharon entertains coworkers with a bungled camping trip anecdote. Gloria bets $200 on Black. In a portent of things to come, Victor files Married but witholds at the higher Single rate. Paul forgets his “safety word” and is hospitalized. With the Daytime Emmy Awards fast approaching, Katherine begins quoting lengthy portions of Shakespeare. Devon wonders if he should go get stitches. Nicholas tries out his new favorite word: “cuntacular.” Disaster strikes when Nikki mixes colors and whites.

Where doctor stuff gets done, with no specifics or enthusiasm.

Where doctor stuff gets done, with no specifics or enthusiasm.

This week on General Hospital
Max obtains a Class B driver’s license. Alice’s conspiracy theories expand to include most major land mammals. Sonny discovers he is powerless to stop anything, really. A flashback reveals Carly’s dark past as a city councilperson. Patrick deems fishing trip “enjoyable;” “successful.” Luke cuts the red wire. Samantha defuses a tense situation by farting loudly. Robin visits with Luke and Laura about the “amazing opportunities available through Amway.” In an effort to keep their relationship exciting and spontaneous, Jeff has Monica stalked and killed. Alfred asks a rhetorical question; is rewarded with a long fade to the closing credits.

-CLT

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

August 25, 2009
... except you. You're adopted.

... except you. You're adopted.

This week on All My Children
A horrible secret from Bianca’s past comes back to haunt her, mainly by opening cupboard doors and flipping the lights on and off. At a dinner party, Greenlee discovers Leo’s autobiography manuscript and drunkenly mocks him. Maggie slips into something “more comfortable.” Bianca handles some exposition. Kendall gets a surprise late night phone call from her podiatrist, resulting in a frantic search for size 4EEE shoes. Zach visits an ATM. Babe asks Dixie to lend her $50 for “gas and whatever, until Friday.” JR Chandler holds rocks glass; stares intently into mid-distance.

OLTL debuts their Jeopard crossover.

OLTL debuts their Jeopardy crossover.

This week on One Life to Live
Rex discovers he has brain cancer; begins physician-ordered regimen of heavy drinking and spousal abuse. Agnes threatens to “choke a bitch.” Nigel makes a string of thoughtful and cautious investments. Natalie gets a good night’s rest after a short, uneventful day. Oliver deals with an embarrassing issue when his check is declined at the liquor store. Bo blames her latest embezzlement attempt on her glaucoma. Addie installs new windshield wipers. Jared and Charlie work together to track down source of disembodied voices speaking earlier lines of dialogue.

-CLT