Posts Tagged ‘Tourist Trap’

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Branson, Missouri Calendar of Events

September 26, 2010
Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

[Hiatus swiftly turning into a sabbatical. Here’s another from the archives to keep the dust from settling… Pay close attention to the botched BTO joke. Originally published May 12, 2009.]

Summer’s on its way and it’s never to early to plan for a visit to garish Branson, Missouri. Birthplace of Richard Branson, CEO of Virgin Airlines, Branson offers many varied events for the discriminating traveler. In fact, nothing sums up the Branson experience more than discrimination!

May

  • Jim Nabors Circus and Sideshow
  • Bing Crosby: Fatherhood (6-drink minimum)
  • Planter’s Nut Tasting: Spotlight on Filbert
  • Blue Angels Flyover
  • Branson Young Republicans Present: Beginner Trust Fund Investment
  • UFC! 22
  • American Idol Contestants #344, #12,077 and #61,008
  • Infomercial Taping
  • The Best of the Sanitized Internet: Brought to You by AOL
  • Shat! – The Life and Times of America’s Most Beloved Entertainer. A William Shatner productions featuring William Shatner as himself.

June

  • Andy Rooney: the Original Shock Jock
  • The Hour of Power featuring the Reverend Al Sharpton
  • Cops:Live!
  • Nickelback: 75 Minutes of Your Life That You’ll Never Have Back Tour
  • Annie, Get Your Gun featuring Charlton Heston as himself
  • Robert Fulghum: Tiresome Platitudes for Everyday Situations
  • Estroven Presents: Hot Flashes of Passion featuring Air Supply and Rick Astley
  • It Feels a Little Damp! Might Rain! Better Bring a Coat! – Daily weather brought to you by Up With People!
  • Community Service Theater Presents: The Vagina Monologues featuring Dana Plato and Lisa Bonet
  • Does This Look Done?: Your Guide to Branson’s Early-Bird Buffets
  • Napalm Death – All Ages Show

July

  • Rosie Grier’s Microwave Cookery and EMT Training
  • Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner – starring Sinbad! and Carrie Prejean. Spencer Tracy’s role will be played by Brian Dennehy; Katherine Hepburn’s role will be played by C-3PO in a wig.
  • Expired Copyright Film Festival
  • Russell Simmon’s Def Comedy Jam
  • Sansabelt Presents: Pat Boone in the Round
  • David Cross Insults Your Belief System
  • The Minor Chords: Barbershop Quartet Stylings from John Oates, Jim Messina, Art Garfunkel and Andrew Ridgeley
  • Christopher Reeve in President for Life: The FDR Story (cancelled)
  • An Evening with Mr. Donald Mills
  • An Introductory Guide to Black Presidents
  • Tony Robbins: The IMAX Experience

August

  • Some of the Boys Are Back in Town! Three-fifths of Bachman-Turner Overdrive reunite to sing their greatest hit, over and over.
  • Dame Edna’s Ballet of the Transgendered
  • The Strangely Inappropriate Antics of the Stanford Marching Band
  • Agreeing to Disagree: Your VCR and You
  • American Flagg! – A Patriotic Musical
  • Blissfully Unaware Productions Presents: Watersports: Fun pool activities to guaranteed to provide the most “bang” for your “gang!” Also included: Our famous Afternoon Delight Buffet including Ron J.’s famous footlongs, fish tacos, tossed salad, cream pies and the winning entries from our Caribbean Meat Jerk-Off!
  • Who’s On First? starring Bill Buckner and Jack Clark (4-drink minimum)
  • Panthers Can Be White: An introspective look at the MC5 and the revolution that never was
  • Regis and Kathie Lee Together Again! – Now starring in David Mamet’s Sexual Perversity in Chicago
  • Bitching About How Things Used to Be: Featuring commentary from Sinbad! (“Women be different than men”) and Yakoff Smirnoff (“Russia be different than America”).

-CLT

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Touring the Creation Museum

August 29, 2009
You saved the dinosaurs? What for?

You saved the dinosaurs? What for? I specifically stated they needed to die "a mysterious death."

Hey, everybody! Welcome to the Creation Museum, the little house that faith built! Don’t forget to leave a donation in the box, as faith alone has yet to pay a single light bill or paper mache up another vegetarian T-Rex! Hahaha! Plus a portion of the proceeds go to help the victims of the latest moral panic. Remember God and our CCTV system are watching.

Before we get started, we need to ask just a couple of required questions. One, is anyone here Bill Maher? No. OK, thanks. We have to ask. New policy.

Also: any persons of color here? Oh… well… I’m so sorry about the curse. I’ll have more information on that later.

Alright! Let’s get started!

Now as we make our way through the tour, you may have some questions. I would ask that you hold these questions until the end of the tour, or better yet, take them home with you and ask God to help you with your faith problem. It obviously isn’t strong enough and I hate to be a bummer, but you’re probably going to hell. You may want to hurry back to the donation box and add a few more dollars. It certainly couldn’t hurt.

Speaking of lack of faith, my estranged wife has exhibited quite a lot of that lately, what with her insistence on health insurance for the kids and a purchase of World Book Encyclopedias.

Quick question, and yes, I will be asking all the questions on the tour. Faith, people!

Anyway, how many of you have gone through a painful divorce? Wow. That’s a lot of you. But still less than I expected. Well, God did say our faith would be tested, am I right? I just wish He’d have given me more time to study! Hahahahahahahaaaa! Kidding! I’m kidding! God is perfect in every way.

Now the main purpose of this museum is to put to rest the outrageous claims of evolutionists and other wackos. You may hear a lot of talk about the theory of evolution being “scientifically sound” and their “years of research.” Don’t be fooled. These scientists are always using “facts” and “research” as a twisted means to keep themselves supplied with opium and hookers. Did you know the STD rate among evolutionists is nearly as high as it is in Africa?

But these claims they throw around are ridiculous! Have you ever seen a frog behaving like a fish? Or a squirrel that can fly? Preposterous!

You know who else liked “facts” and “proof.” Yeah, that’s right. Satan. And to a lesser extent, the National Board of Education.

Perhaps you remember the famous Scopes Monkey Trial. Oh, you do! Oh, thank god. I was drawing a blank. Do you want to take over for a couple of minutes? Just a couple of minutes. I’ve got to call my soon-to-be ex-wife and harass her at work. Thanks a million. I shouldn’t be gone more than five minutes or so if my previous calls are any indication.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

Alright, I’m back. Thanks for covering for me. You’re a lifesaver. Do you happen to know any good divorce lawyers? I’m kinda stuck right now as four lawyers have dropped me so far for “continually damaging my own case.”

Where was I? Oh! Evolution. Those crazy monkey-lovers. Evidence of creation exists all around us, especially here in the Creation Museum. Take a look at the fossil record. How could all of these be here in the same layer? We have a pterodactyl fossil, a human femur bone and a 1959 Philco Solid State Television. I’d like to see them solve that one, with their test tubes and microscopes. And master’s degrees…

Here is what evolution does. As you can see from this disturbing diorama, evolution theory leads directly to the downfall of society. Why, just reading your average school textbook is enough to destroy the very fabric of your family, leading to porn addiction and Planned Parenthood appointments. Letting a pro-evolution textbook into your Christian home is just like letting your daughter get knocked up by a travelling paleontologist.

I would ask that you refrain from touching the fossils as they are fragile and take many, many man-hours to create. Many GOD-hours! God creates! Sorry! I’m going to just sort of categorically deny everything I just said. Ah. I am now being paged to the front desk. Please wait here and I should be right back.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

OK, folks. Thanks for waiting. Some news from… well, it doesn’t matter. I guess God has a plan for all of us. Up until about 2 minutes ago, God’s plan was that I should be here, working an underpaid position at a ridiculed institution. I guess… And that my wife should leave me because she doesn’t “respect me” or my “laughable ideals.” Which is fine. It’s His plan. And the painkiller addiction… He must have wanted that… But He’s changing it again, sort of suddenly. This will be my last tour with the museum, apparently.

We’ll kind of rush through the rest of this, seeing as I’m quickly losing the will to entertain or inform. Or live.

A few highlights left. Let’s see.

Oh! Jesus riding a dinosaur. This artist’s conception is proof that man and dinosaurs co-existed. How many of you kids would like to ride a dinosaur? Hahahaha! Most dinosaurs were actually vicious man-eaters and the more docile ones didn’t know their own strength. We have a Shetland pony and a coin-operated Triceratops out back for you young ones.

And here’s another picture of Jesus. This time he’s holding a tiny pet dinosaur. We are petitioning the US Postal Service to have it made into a stamp. If they won’t go for it, may a curse fall upon their heads and their houses. We’ll just take it to the Ron Paul mint and make our own stamps.

And this last exhibit shows some cavemen, who were not actually cave men, but men just like you and me only with more hair, co-existing peacefully with a vegetarian T-Rex. Apparently, they could be tamed and kept as housepets. A lot of Midwesterners and Texans believe that the vegetarian diet is what wiped out the T-Rex and several other dinosaurs. I guess we’ll never know for sure.

I want to thank you all for coming. If you could perhaps stop by the front desk and possibly leave any employments listings and letters of recommendation, I would greatly appreciate it. You’ve been wonderful, excepts for you doubters. I guess you’ll see my ex-wife. In hell. Have a great day!

-CLT