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Life’s Little Lessons: Vol. 2

January 4, 2010

Life's Little Lessons (in conjunction with Fancy Plans) would like to remind you not to stare into the sun, dumbass.

Today you are faced with a crisis: your wife/girlfriend has returned from a Christian women’s retreat with a rare combination case of pregnancy and lesbianism. You have several choices on how to handle this, the most important of which may be to determine whether this is your girlfriend or your wife.

You may have several questions, especially of the “chicken or the egg” variety, or possibly of the “cart before the horse” variety. These questions are not unimportant, but they are unlikely to provide satisfactory answers.

As you ponder this conundrum (from the Latin “conundra,” or “WTF???”), you’ll find that the possibilities of life are endless, especially those of the “bad-to-worse” variety.

Try to approach this with love. “Honey, you know I love you, but what the fucking fuck?” Your unexpected tenderness and casual swearing may allow your suddenly less-significant other to open up, much like she apparently did for Pastor Dan and to a lesser extent, Pastor Dan’s soon-to-be-estranged wife.

If you can do it, try to see this from her viewpoint. This may be initially easy as you can probably imagine fucking several other women at this point, but it may be much more difficult to see it her way in relation to Pastor Dan. Unless, of course, your sexual relationship has already included a fair amount of role reversal and scented lubricants.

Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in by all the negative aspects. Try to remain positive and look for possible benefits:

  • A lucrative settlement from a lawsuit against Pastor Dan and his church.
  • You may finally learn Pastor Dan’s last name.
  • There’s always blackmail. That’s kind of fun.
  • Hot lesbian sex happening within possible earshot/eyeshot.
  • With adultery and lesbianism removed from your church’s “taboo” list, you may finally be able to take the “governor” off your own life, so to speak.
  • A lifetime supply of instant argument winners.
  • Most conversations will now be awkward for the other person.

If you look at these unfortunate incidents with the right mindset, you’ll find it easy to grow as a human being, if only more childish and resentful.

For instance, consider this piece of wisdom from the ancient Chinese: the symbol for “crisis” is the same as the symbol for “opportunity.” As you can see, every problem can bring about positive changes. The correlation also holds true in other areas, as the Chinese symbol for “peace” is also their symbol for “world domination.”

As your life partner prepares to head off for a lifetime of “box lunches” down at the “Y,” you too can be prepared to view every potential partner with a mixture of deep-seated suspicion and somewhat rational paranoia. All while raising someone else’s kid. (Just like Joseph! Except for the “lesbian” part, I guess.)

Coming up on “Life’s Little Lessons:”
Your Diner’s Club card is rejected down at the local eatery and its very existence mocked openly.

-CLT

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