Posts Tagged ‘THIS SPACE FOR RENT’

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Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 5 – The Third-Person Miracle of Childbirth or Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit

March 2, 2010

The pros refer to it as "Transverse Vaginal Adoption."

You may often find yourself overwhelmed by the problems of the world and ask yourself, “Self, how can just one person make a difference?” 

The truth is: you can’t. Not only can one person not make a difference but these persons should waste less time trying and/or asking pointless, rhetorical questions. 

The question may be even more troubling if you are a woman. But take heart: while it has been scientifically proven that there are any number of things women can’t do (become president; play pro basketball in a plausible fashion), it turns out that there are many things they can do (file sexual harassment suits; make less money; keep up with the laundry). 

In fact, there is one “job” that women are perfectly suited for: carrying a stranger’s child to term. 

Most, if not all of you, have experienced the small but heart stopping thrill of missing a period. As you backdate your one-night stands and attempt to put names to faces, you may have briefly entertained thoughts of raising the offspring of a near-stranger, whom you have nicknamed “Abercrombie,” thanks to the sweatshirt he left behind. 

There are childless couples all over the world who are unable to carry their own children to term for any number of reasons (botched appendectomy, a lifetime of drug abuse, curse from an angry God/gypsy). This is your opportunity to finally use your reproductive powers for good! 

Should you decide to aid these pitifully unfulfilled men and women by using your body as some sort of obstetrical petri dish, don’t worry: you will not need to have sex with the father. 

In fact, it’s probably better if you stop asking that question repeatedly in such desperate tones. The father-to-be, whose seed has frequently fallen on rocky soil (and even more frequently, on the shower floor) may be only too willing to take you up on your generous offer. 

No, your place is to provide a hospitable environment for the growing child. Think of your reproductive system as a home. While in the past, this “home” was often low-rent housing requiring no credit check, where nearly anybody could get in (and, consequently, often resulted in multiple “evictions” and “lock-changings”), it’s now time to upgrade to a lower-end condo at the minimum. 

Once the embryo is safely installed, you will now be ready to face the next challenge: a brand new set of parents! 

The barren couple you are pinch-hitting for will now have a focal point for their anxiety, frustration and self-hatred: you. 

Be prepared to give up all control of your life for the next nine months as your new “parents” decide everything for you, from your breakfast cereal (Total or Special K only) to your bedtime (earlier and earlier). They will be ceaselessly intrusive and have hundreds of pointers, tips and other advice for you to follow. 

Want to crank up some AC/DC while getting your morning coffee going?
Too bad! Instead you’ll be listening/watching Baby Mozart while sipping 100% organic chamomile tea! 

Looking forward to an easy, drug-filled delivery?
Not anymore! Say “hello” to a midwife-directed kiddie pool delivery attended by hundred of sandaled strangers! 

(Oh, and by the way, smoking crack to control birth weight is obviously no longer an option.) 

As the pressure from the expectant (but otherwise useless) biological parents combines with the tiring grind of hosting a parasite, you may soon find yourself looking for even a momentary escape from it all. 

ESCAPE TO SUNNY MEXICO!

 

Looking to get away? Disappear? Avoid extradition? 

Come to sunny MEXICO! 

Beautiful Mexico is home to a large number of beaches, resorts, bars and casinos! 

Take advantage of our favorable exchange rate and relaxed morality while enjoying our refreshing lack of invasive questions and potable water! 

Whether you’re looking to terminate a suddenly unwanted pregnancy or start a new family under an assumed name, Mexico has got you covered! 

See why millions of Americans are calling Mexico “the REAL land of opportunity!” 

Se habla espanol!

-CLT 

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