Posts Tagged ‘School’

h1

The Presidents of Harvard University: the First 100 Years

October 14, 2009
The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK HARVARD" facade.

The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK YALE" facade.

Here at Fancy Plans, we pride ourselves in being able to tackle even the dryest subject with aplomb. For your consideration today: the presidents of Harvard University, whose hallowed halls and large endowments have fathered many of our nation’s leaders. Without further fucking around, we present a history of this fine institution, as seen through the eyes of its leaders.

Part One – The First 100 Years

1. Henry Dunster 1640-1654
Henry was voted “Most Likely to Helm an Overbearing School” after his many hours logged as hall monitor and switch cutter. Most likely was born left-handed, but was “cured” of this after long hours of forced repetitions and amputation. Known affectionately as “The Dunster.”

2. Charles Chauncy 1654-1672*
The first of the Chauncy clan to graduate from the sixth grade, Chancy went on the helm Harvard during a turbulent time that saw many upperclassmen die during skirmishes with a nascent Yale. Also coined the term “coxswain” after a drunken interlude with the inhabitants of Harvard Pond. Affectionately known as “Chucky Duck-Fucker.”
*Died in office after accidentally breaking off the inner handle.

3. Leonard Hoar 1672-1675
Born with a speech impediment and an even more unfortunate surname, Hoar overcame these early hurdles to lead Harvard to its first victory over Yale’s polo team. After his success as a coach, Leonard was chosen president during a 19-hour game of Russian Roulette, played dangerously using single-barrel musket loaders. He survived his gaping head wound to serve the school during the turbulent “Violently Erratic Years.” Affectionately known as “Lucky Leo” and “Filthy Hoar.”

4. Urian Oakes 1675-1681*
Urian spent 17 years as the president of Harvard much to the surprise of his eventual successor. As his opponents began a vigorous filibuster, Urian slipped out through the bathroom window and let himself into the president’s office, where he barricaded himself for the next 2 years. During this time, another office was built and filled by a variety of interim presidents and attractive interns. Known affectionately as “Pay No Attention to That Pounding and Cursing. It’s Just These Old and Hallowed Halls Settling. And Cursing.”
*Died in office due to lack of adequate ventilation, which had been re-routed to the new office.

5. John Rogers 1682-1684*
Known to many as “Jolly,” Rogers ushered in a new era of explosive violence and drunkenness with his hostile takeover of the new president’s office. Arriving via horse-drawn ship, the visibly drunken and clinically insane Rogers proceeded to “board” the upper level, cutting a swath through the freshman ranks before hoisting his flag in the office and vomiting into the wastebasket. His raiding party continued to pillage and occasionally rape the underclassmen and furniture for 3 long and uneventful years. He died of scurvy-related complications and was buried at sea (or rather, the Harvard Pond). Known affectionately as “Gummy Jack.”
*Died in office for reasons listed above. May have also suffered from early-onset Restless Leg Syndrome, or “Sea Legs.”

6. Increase Mather** 1685-1701
Fiercely competitive, Increase had his name legally changed twice, from “Decrease” and “No Change,” respectively. He oversaw Harvard’s expansion from a loose confederation of rich, spoiled jerks into a highly organized pack of rich, spoiled jerks. Credited with the formation of the Skull and Bones, Mather prized secrecy and loyalty over such other virtues as honor and respect for human life. His legacy lives on today in the form of the Skull and Bones, which no one will officially admit exists. Except for that one guy, who we never saw much of after that. Just the occasional bloated corpse in Harvard Pond, which could be anybody really. Even Gummy Jack. Affectionately known as “Cotton.”
**Killed two vice presidents while in office due to their violation of Rule #2 of Skull and Bones: You DO NOT TALK about Skull and Bones.

7. John Leverett 1708-1724*
Although Leverett held the university’s highest office for nearly 17 years, nothing has much been said about his contributions. Most of his contemporaries noted that he was “quiet” and “kept to himself,” and really did nothing out of the ordinary other than haul multiple bags and rolled-up carpets and hurl them into the deep end of Harvard Pond. Further investigation into this matter has resulted in the same answer: “Have you tried the quad? The person you are looking for hasn’t been seen in a fortnight but if you’d like you can try this Oriental rug on for size.” Known affectionately as “Crazy John, the Guy Nobody Suspected.”
*Possibly “gay.”

8. Benjamin Wadsworth 1725-1737*
Benjamin Wadsworth rose from his disadvantageous and “merely rich” upbringing to become the foremost robber baron of his time. Uneducated, even by Brown standards, Wadsworth used his wealth and considerable influence to secure the premier position at Harvard. Once in place, he began his tireless work to “tear the place down from the inside.” Unfortunately, he and his underlings were unused to physical labor or efficient anarchy and left 13 years later only having managed to take a few pictures off the wall and scribble a few mustaches on the remain portraits (which usually had mustaches already). Known affectionately as “Dubya.”
*Died while in office due to an overdose of leeches.

Stay tuned for parts 2 and possibly 3 in the near future. And kids, stay in school.

-CLT

Advertisements
h1

Upper Midwestern State Community College and Vocational School Courses

May 18, 2009
The scenic Upper Midwestern State campus, located just outside the maximum security prison.

The scenic Upper Midwestern State campus, located just outside the maximum security prison.

Summer’s here and, unfortunately, will soon be gone, much like this rapidly fanned bong smoke. Hopefully more rapid than that, Mom’s almost to the front door. Jesus! Open that window!

Time to apply for college. And not just any college, the cheapest college money can buy. Browse some selections from UMSCC&VS’ upcoming academic year.

Required

  • The Main Entrance Doors Are “Pull” – Key info for new students. Also covered: lining up in alphabetical order, last name first (needlessly complex?), and why are all of our parking spots marked “Handicapped?” (Just park anywhere and help us mount a counter-attack against those Devry eggheads.)
  • G.E.D. Fundamentals – Getting a handle on our only admission requirement.
  • Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey: Introduction to Basic Mechanics
  • It’s Not Rocket Science and Other Phrases You’ll Be Hearing a Lot Of – Also covers: “dangerously underqualified,” “lowered expectations,” “potential liability,” and “You’re 36. Move the fuck out of our house.”
  • Shop Class Basics – Learning to count to ten with fewer than ten fingers; fallback obscene gestures.
  • The 1040EZ: Mastering the Only Tax Form You’ll Ever Need
  • Will It Blend? – What MSDS sheets aren’t telling you.
  • From Airliner Repair to Birth Control: 1001 Uses for Duct Tape

Vocational

  • VCR Repair – Tape jams, tracking and 12:00. Required course for admission to basic laserdisc repair.
  • How to Take Advantage of Women and the Elderly – Entry-level Auto Repair course.
  • MLM & You: Fallback Careers and Moonlighting – The power of exponential math brought to you by Amway. Also of interest: World Book Sales – Wikipedia for slow children.
  • Geocities Presents: The Future of Website Design – Animated GIFs, multi-colored text, banner ads and other key basics for your Tiffany fanclub website.
  • Basic BASIC: Your “GOTO” Programming Language
  • Copier Repair – Earn up to $30/hour installing toner cartridges and selling extended warranties.
  • If You Want to Spend Time with Your Family This Holiday Season, You’d Better Hope They’re Shopping Here – Essentials for a career in retail.
  • Executive Mailroom Training: Blue Collar in a White Collar World – Stop believing all that Hollywood bullshit. You’re going nowhere.
  • Geek Squad Basics – Earn up to $11/hour selling extended warranties, “installing” pre-installed software and stripmining porn from customers’ hard drives.
  • Sounds Like a Hardware Problem: Microsoft Tech Support basics
  • Game Design – You like games, right? Then you’re perfect for this. You also like low-paid, 18-hour workdays and have a solid background in higher math and computer programming, right? No. Not so much, huh. Go hang out with those blonde morons, then.
  • Quotation Marks and the Commercial Signing Business – Just put “them” anywhere!
  • Security Guard Training – All the fun of being a cop (hassling teens, strip-searching teens) with none of the responsibility (preventing crime, solving crimes).
  • Cable Installation – Throw out your calendars and clocks. You won’t be needed these restrictive items any more!
  • Outsourcing – The Man’s plan to keep you hip-deep in Amway cleaning products; World Book encyclopedias.
  • Shopping Cart Wrangling – Advanced techniques for lines of 20 or more carts.
  • Elementary School Coaching – How to deal with violent parents, inept children and your own sex offender past. Also included: where to get the best buys on those sweet polyester shorts.
  • Everything’s Gone Retarded! – Dealing with suddenly becoming left-handed.
  • Introductory Tuning – Increasing your horsepower through careful decal application.
  • Dental Technicians: Grabbing the Brass Waterpik – With Prof. Shane McGowan.
  • Over-the-Road Trucking – Covers: methamphetamine selection, caring for your two sets of logbooks, and how not to respond to law enforcement (see example).
    Example:
    Which is the correct response?
    Weigh-Station Officer: “You look like you’re a couple hundred pounds overweight.”
    A. “Well, that makes two of us.”
    B. “This always happens during a lunar eclipse. Simple physics, really.”
    C. “Someone thought the illegals would appreciate a sack lunch.”
    D. “So… you want me to let some air out the tires or something?”

Electives

  • Art Appreciation – We have never, and will not ever be using nude models. Please stop asking.
  • Advanced Bong Assembly – How to turn yesterday’s shop class project into today’s “tobacco-only” recreation device.
  • In the End, Does It Really Matter?: The Poetry of Linkin Park
  • Pain Don’t Hurt: The Tao of Patrick Swayze – Includes discussion of “Water ain’t Wet” (Point Break), “Dancing ain’t Dirty” (Dirty Dancing) and “Planes Don’t Crash” (Donnie Darko).
  • Political Science: Diebold invites you to get your crowd-sourced ass to work on designing a better electro-vote machine.
  • Debate Class: Ford vs. Chevy – Who truly deserves Calvin’s urine?
  • Computers and Creative Writing – Covered: how to fail to make your point in 500 words or more (blog pointers), the subtle nuances of Youtube comment threads and the DiggNation citizenship exam [1109 Diggs].
  • Music Appreciation: From Hair Metal to Rap Metal – The best of the last 20 years of rock. Not included: those whiny-ass “grunge” years.
  • Things That Are “Gay” – Open discussion on everything from Kevin Federline’s latest single to that ridiculous shirt you’re wearing.
  • Film Appreciation: Pioneers of the Straight-to-Video Market
  • Bumper-Sticker Philosophy: From “Honk if You’re Horny” to “My Other Car is a Bible” – Making the least out of space limitations. See also: Twitter

-CLT

h1

The Evolution of a Schoolyard Myth

April 25, 2009
Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

A brief look at the development of schoolyard mythology, your child’s greatest and most trusted source of disinformation.

Let’s say that Thom (Kid A) has awakened late at night in search of a refreshing drink of water. As he approaches his parents’ bedroom, he hears unusual noises and decides to quietly enter rather than throw the door open wide and launch himself across the room.

To Thom’s young mind, there is a dark and mysterious battle being waged in his parents’ bed. And Dad winning. Or at least he was, but Mom seems to have the upper hand now! Either way, Thom is faced with many unsavory choices, none of which will spare him from awkward looks and forced conservation from his parents in the days to come.

Perhaps his parents will have a brief “bird-and-bees” chat with him for the five minutes they see him each morning. This will undoubtedly raise more questions than answers, and will most likely be handled with all the skill and grace of a move from the window seat to the aisle in the coach section.

“Thom… when a mommy and daddy, after 13 years of marriage, can tolerate each other…” There may be some consolation and the promise that everyone involved is okay, if just a little hungover.

Thom will now take this information to the school. From here, he may run into Charles (Kid B) and give him a rundown of his last twelve hours. Charles may be able to add or subtract from this equation, mainly based on a.) the number of older siblings he has or b.) the number of premium movie channels he has.

The combined knowledge (A+/-B) will be taken to a relative expert, the twice-pregnant sixth grader who is now enjoying the benefits of the state’s “Two Strikes and You’re Tied” program. Tracey (Kid C-mother of Kid C2 & C3) will begin to fill out the picture.

This occurs countless times over the next several days. Depending on the noises and gestures made during Thom’s recounting of this event, there may be additional conversations from his parents, teachers and the principal to factor in.

All involved may feel it is best left to the school’s health class to straighten Thom out. However, due to religious interference, the greatly emasculated “Sex Ed” will be unable to meet the challenge, and will most likely follow this route:

“Sex. Don’t do it. If you feel you might be doing it, please stop and speak to an adult. If you are with an adult while this is happening, please stop and speak to a policeman.”

This load of information will unravel and reknit itself several times. The adults will be unwilling to add anything useful to this and the children will let their imaginations run free.

A couple of weeks down the road, the teachers will be shocked to find the schoolchildren disappearing behind the outer buildings to rub daisies on each other as a test of their love for butter.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

[By the way, the rubbing a daisy on a person’s arm to see if they like butter has its roots in the ancient tradition of some Amazonian tribes. However, their test for food reactions/allergies involved using the adrenal glands of a river eel, which had to be removed while the fish was still alive!]

-CLT