Posts Tagged ‘Revenge’

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Platitudes for a New Millenium Vol. 2

March 9, 2010

And, of course, all the best spots are taken.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”  

This phrase stems from the belief that the key to a fulfilling life is holding onto a grudge well past its sell-by date, leading to situations like the following:  

Man: Jake? Is that you? Man, it’s been like… years! How’ve you been?
[BLAM!]
Man: Jesus Christ! My eye! You shot me in my eye!
You: Remember junior prom? When you told Cindy Johnson I had syphilis? And she ditched me and fucked you in the bathroom? I told you I’d make you pay!
Man: Oh, god! Oh, my god! I thought you had syphilis! You were blind in one eye!
[BLAM!]
You: And now you’re blind in both. Oh, and you owe me $77.50 for the tux rental!
  

Or this, more recently:  

You: Are you Salman Rushdie?
Salman: Yes, yes I am.
[BLAM! BLAM!]
You: Huzzah! The Islamic faith is avenged and its fanaticism totally justified! Let’s see you write something heretical with no eyes!
Salman: [faints]
You: Oh, yeah. Stay the fuck away from Cindy Johnson.
  

As you can see, delayed gratification is still gratification. And while the reward money for capping Salman Rushdie will help you pad your legal defense fund, sometimes randomly shooting people in the eyes is its own reward.  

But is bitter and syphilitic any way to go through life? Sure, it worked for Van Gogh and Hitler, but why hold on to all that anger?  

Why not get some of that sweet sweet revenge now?  

Here’s a “for instance:”  

It’s a shitty day. Raining like hell. You decide to head to the mall, perhaps to stock up on ammo. You spy someone backing out of a choice parking spot near the entrance. You turn on your blinker and wait patiently for them to pull out.  

Despite your clear statement of intent via the turn signal, some random asshole in the oncoming lane steals the spot.  

What do you do?  

Your immediate response may be to deploy some reliable stand-bys: the “finger,” the “horn,” the “string of obscenities,” or the “gypsy curse.”  

Unfortunately this will have no effect on this person. Calling him an “asshole” won’t phase him as he probably doesn’t restrict his “dick moves” to mall parking lots. There’s also no real benefit to calling him an asshole in front of his family, either, as they spend every day with him and are well aware of that fact.  

So, now what?  

I suppose you could key his car but I’m guessing that his general assholishness has already seen his vehicle deflowered by multiple keys, both foreign and domestic.  

Here’s what to do:  

Trail him into the mall. Make your move when he is being helped at a service desk or otherwise has several people (in addition to his family) gathered around in earshot. And then… drop one of these on him:  

  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Wear protection.
  • You said you’d “fix it” and now they’re dredging the lake? How’re you going to fix THAT? (Start sobbing hopelessly.)
  • Do they know? How could they not know? (Affect a combination of shock and dismay.)
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Bring something to sacrifice. Or someone.
  • You pyramid-scheming son of a bitch! It’s all gone! All of it! (Start sobbing and acting “penniless.”)
  • I should violate your ass right now! (Try to sound like a parole officer or this may have unintended consequences.)
  • You’re married?!? How long were you going to keep THIS from me? (Start sobbing inconsolably.)
  • I urinated on your car seat.
  • Sir? I think you left your car on fire.
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. You should be able to find a sponsor at this meeting. You know, for when you’re feeling “gay.”
  • The power of Christ compels you! (Sprinkle liberally with water.)
  • Beware the Ides of March. (Stab liberally.)
  • I urinated in the holy water.
  • See you at the “thing” tonight. Ralph got a 2-for-1 from the local pimp!
  • Nice parking, cockface. (Start sobbing.)

With this time bomb set, you are free to wander the mall. Maybe pick up that Beretta you’ve had your (perfectly good and non-shot) eye on. Or maybe a smaller backup piece, in case something goes awry during your daily face-shooting.  

Your freshly-minted nemesis will suddenly have a lot of explaining to do and no earthly idea where to start.  

To sum up:  

Revenge is dish best served.”  

-CLT

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Platitudes for a New Millenium

February 23, 2010

Nothing says "mysterious garage fire" like watching this smug bastard pose with your ex-wife.

As you make your way through the various potholes and “Bridge Out” warnings on this road we call “life,” you will often find yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice.

Unfortunately, most self-appointed advisors (including us) tend to use shopworn clichés (like “shopworn cliché”) and meaningless catchphrases instead of delivering actual advice (especially us).

Today we take aim at an old favorite: “Living well is the best revenge.”

Is it? Let’s take a closer look.

Say you’ve just wrapped up another Nip/Tuck marathon when your wife says something like, “Speaking of which, I’m leaving your for that plastic surgeon I met at the gym.” And away she heads to a new life full of late-model sports cars and free collagen injections.

And what do you have? Ten years of bills, 20 more years on the mortgage and two sons, one of whom is looking to join the “Orange” team down at the local correctional facility and one of whom is looking to join the Audubon Society.

Unfortunately, the child with whom you actually feel a connection has just sold your laptop for drug money and the other will be sticking you with several hundred thousand dollars in unpaid student loans as he pursues a go-nowhere career in ornithology.

At this point, someone will pipe up with, “Living well is the best revenge,” if only because it’s easier to say than, “There’s no way you’re competing with that.”

But is “living well” really the best revenge? Is it even revenge?

In a word, “Ah, hell nah!” Revenge is still the best revenge. Sugar in the gas tank. Tuna cans in the air vents. The mysterious fire in the garage. That’s revenge. The problem is: you’ll be the prime suspect.

Try this instead.

Get ahold of the good doctor’s name, address, phone and email address. Most of this should be easy to obtain, especially if divorce proceedings are underway.

As for that email address? A week or so of late night drunken calls to his house should get you a sternly-worded email reminding you that your estranged wife has no interest in “servicing” you no matter how “horny” or “depressed” you feel.

Now take that email address and sign him up for every deviant porn site you can find. Sign him up for every shady personal ad site. Every online petition. Every “Work at Home!” scam. Anything that clogs an inbox and takes an act of God to get rid of.

Mark every questionnaire you come across with “Yes! You can contact me at home/work!” Try to make sure that the “Best Time to Call” manages to cover most of a 24-hour period. Add him to any and every mailing list you can find, especially those of the erectile-dysfunction/out-there porn variety.

Unfortunately you won’t be able to witness the ensuing debacle firsthand, but you can let your imagination run wild. He’ll be dealing with a clogged inbox, various strains of malware and popups and nonstop calls from solicitors. He’ll be busy trying to explain away such periodicals as Men Who Love Men Who Love Horses and NAMBLA’s Amateur Boy Scouting Manual.

For more fun, do the same for your soon-to-be ex-wife. It should take their sex life to the next level as they scramble to entertain each other’s perceived fetishes, turning their bedroom into something halfway between a bondage club and a petting zoo.

And then, just as the lube is applied and the animals given a “safety word,” the phone will ring, bringing with it such questions as:

  • Are you available to host the third leg of a charity marathon? You’ll need to supply Gatorade and lined bags for exhaustion vomit.
  • Can you please to wire money to sick relative in Eastern Bloc?
  • Is this the GM who was listed as “submissive” and into “watersports?”
  • Would you take $5000 for the fire-damaged Maserati?
  • You, asking if your wife is available to “service” you.

“Living well” is the old way. The new millenium demands a change. Say it together now:

Living vindictively is the best revenge.”

-CLT