Posts Tagged ‘Pseudoscience’


The Evolution of a Schoolyard Myth

April 25, 2009
Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

A brief look at the development of schoolyard mythology, your child’s greatest and most trusted source of disinformation.

Let’s say that Thom (Kid A) has awakened late at night in search of a refreshing drink of water. As he approaches his parents’ bedroom, he hears unusual noises and decides to quietly enter rather than throw the door open wide and launch himself across the room.

To Thom’s young mind, there is a dark and mysterious battle being waged in his parents’ bed. And Dad winning. Or at least he was, but Mom seems to have the upper hand now! Either way, Thom is faced with many unsavory choices, none of which will spare him from awkward looks and forced conservation from his parents in the days to come.

Perhaps his parents will have a brief “bird-and-bees” chat with him for the five minutes they see him each morning. This will undoubtedly raise more questions than answers, and will most likely be handled with all the skill and grace of a move from the window seat to the aisle in the coach section.

“Thom… when a mommy and daddy, after 13 years of marriage, can tolerate each other…” There may be some consolation and the promise that everyone involved is okay, if just a little hungover.

Thom will now take this information to the school. From here, he may run into Charles (Kid B) and give him a rundown of his last twelve hours. Charles may be able to add or subtract from this equation, mainly based on a.) the number of older siblings he has or b.) the number of premium movie channels he has.

The combined knowledge (A+/-B) will be taken to a relative expert, the twice-pregnant sixth grader who is now enjoying the benefits of the state’s “Two Strikes and You’re Tied” program. Tracey (Kid C-mother of Kid C2 & C3) will begin to fill out the picture.

This occurs countless times over the next several days. Depending on the noises and gestures made during Thom’s recounting of this event, there may be additional conversations from his parents, teachers and the principal to factor in.

All involved may feel it is best left to the school’s health class to straighten Thom out. However, due to religious interference, the greatly emasculated “Sex Ed” will be unable to meet the challenge, and will most likely follow this route:

“Sex. Don’t do it. If you feel you might be doing it, please stop and speak to an adult. If you are with an adult while this is happening, please stop and speak to a policeman.”

This load of information will unravel and reknit itself several times. The adults will be unwilling to add anything useful to this and the children will let their imaginations run free.

A couple of weeks down the road, the teachers will be shocked to find the schoolchildren disappearing behind the outer buildings to rub daisies on each other as a test of their love for butter.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

[By the way, the rubbing a daisy on a person’s arm to see if they like butter has its roots in the ancient tradition of some Amazonian tribes. However, their test for food reactions/allergies involved using the adrenal glands of a river eel, which had to be removed while the fish was still alive!]



Creation: The Real Story

March 24, 2009
God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

Before the flamewars start, we’re not here to debate evolution vs. creation. We’re not discussing whether this happened, but rather whether it is recorded correctly in the Word of God (as written by Man). This translation issue (as a God/Man dictionary was unavailable) was further compounded by the obsolete vernacular in which it was written.

The world was not created in seven days.

Seven is a nice, magical number used by a variety of religions as a “holy” or “good” number. Some creative license was taken here to shoehorn the actual length into something inspiring that looks good on a felt board.

The universe was actually created in seven business days. Its creation actually coincided with a long holiday weekend which gave God closer to ten days to get the job done. God actually rested from Friday to Monday, strolling in around 10 am to get the job done by Wednesday. This was tightened up by early scholars to seven days so that Sunday (and occasionally, Saturday) could be taken off for religious reasons, particularly during the football season.

Earth’s original placement was farther from the sun.

During God’s test run of the solar system, Earth was much closer to Mars. The additional distance from the Sun (originally planned to rotate around Earth before catastrophic initial testing) caused what was retroactively referred to as the “Ice Age” and wiped out the dinosaurs. God checked in to find most of his original occupants dead (bummer) and was recorded as saying, “Jesus, it’s cold.” Adjustments were made.

Alien races were created before man.

Most alien races preceded man and were used to beta test Earth during the critical adjustment period. Among the comments left by testers of Earth v. 0.1.1.b:

1. Where all the white women at?
2. Jesus, it’s cold.
3. Clipping issues.
4. Nowhere to insert probes.
5. Sniper needs to be nerfed.
6. Will there be a map creator in the final version?

The Bermuda Triangle is a glitch.

A miscalculation of the circumference and surface area of the earth caused this area to be stretched and quickly stitched together (at great expense). The name was changed from “God’s Folly” to “Devil’s Triangle” to defer blame to Satan, who was hastily created, briefly adored and unceremoniously kicked out.

The creation process was one of many plans for earth’s startup.

God considered many other business models before adopting his pet strategy as the Universe’s original micromanager. Other plans included:

1. Turtles all the way down.
2. A series of inhabited flat discs.
3. Evolution.
4. One of every species with a universal penis adaptor for variety.
5. Some sort of huge explosion.
6. The “Deep South” plan comprising of years of inbreeding.
7. Half-sharkalligator, half-man race
8. All apologists, all the time.
9. Noah to helm franchise reboot after Joel Schumacher’s disastrous run.

As is usual with creation discussions, more questions have been raised than answers. Feel free to consult your local religious radio station for some pamphlets or talk to the many unattractive and angry protesters outside your local abortion clinic for more information.