Posts Tagged ‘Post ‘Em if You Got ‘Em’

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Sometimes a Half-Assed Notion

October 26, 2009
A rare woodcut of a blogging pioneer carefully drawing a blank.

A rare woodcut of a blogging pioneer carefully drawing a blank.

Sometimes a great idea will slap me upside the head, mostly unbeckoned. Other times, something will inspire me to track that fucker down and slap him around myself.

This collection of misfits fit into neither of those categories. These incomplete posts are the result of my brain deciding to toss out an idea and then head somewhere else for the next several hours, relegating it to a half-empty sheet of paper with no possible function.

I’ve been carrying these around in my notebook for a good six weeks+ at this point, so I’ve decided to dump them on the blog, if for no other reason than I can throw these sheets out and move on.

We’ll call it closure. You can call it whatever you like. Please hold your comments until the end of the post. Thank you. 

 

Two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers check on their relocated promise rings.

Two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers check on their relocated promise rings.

 

The Disney Channel’s Fall Season Update

  • The cast from High School Musical heads to college! Catch the all-new spin-offs: Devry School Musical and Safety School Musical!
  • In a 2-hour season premiere, the Jonas Brothers exchange promise rings for cock-rings!
  • Keep an eye on Miley Cyrus as her C-list celebrity dad shows up for a variety of “Special Guest” shots in small parts, including Miley Cyrus’ dad, the janitor, a steroid salesman and the sketchy dude who’s always hanging around the parking lot. 
 
 

And as you can see from slide #192, there are a hell of a lot of numbers on it...

And as you can see from slide #192, there are a hell of a lot of numbers on it...

Quarterly Productivity Report for Associated Electronics Mfg., Inc.

  • Staring blankly at productivity reports – +78%
  • Employee internet usage – +1,200%
  • Average employee BAC – 0.06
  • Red wires cut – 8,100
  • Blue wires cut – 11,005
  • Red wires cut at the last second, after nearly deciding to cut blue wire – 3,412
  • Number of failed team-building retreats – 4
  • Number of lives lost on said retreats – 2
  • Most common workplace injuries:
    Prolapsed rectum
    Misplaced fingers
    Slacker’s elbow
    Suicide attempt
    Toilet seat herpes
    “Attempted to use body as ground wire”
    “Something in my eye”
    “No, I mean something in my good, non-glass eye!”
     
 

I will be shopping the fuck out of this place.

I will be shopping the fuck out of this place.

 

My Post-Lottery Jackpot To Do List

  • Top hats, monocles and tuxes with tails. Massive facial reconstruction to achieve that ultimate sign of fuck-you money: looking like the Monopoly guy. Goodbye chin and healthy posture!
  • Related: hotel the fuck out of Park Place and Broadway.
  • Start series of seminars dealing with how to throw money around responsibly (including which seminars to blow your hard-earned cash on).
  • Pretend to read up on the capital gains tax; allow government to “break it off in me” every April.
  • Commission a Frank Gehry doghouse. Also, buy a dog.
  • Buy my way into the reference book racket so every time I make up a word, it’s now a perfectly legal word. (Hello, “cuntacular!”)
  • Build an extensive group of homeless/tax shelters. 
 

If you'll just give me a moment to speak with my advisor...

If you'll just give me a moment to speak with my advisor...

 

Predictions for the Next Decade

  • RIAA, ASCAP and the MPAA assume every person is stealing music and movies; move forward with Congress-approved plan to garnish wages from 150 million employed Americans.

Ah. That’s refreshing! I should totally do this again sometime, except without all the wasted effort.

Here’s one last thought: I love the NFL but never discuss it within the hallowed Fancy Plans pages for one simple reason: the possibility of having to use the words “nickel back” in a positive fashion.

-CLT

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