Posts Tagged ‘Phil Alper’

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 3

September 21, 2010
[And here it is… the last episode of the fakest family tree to ever grace WordPress. Originally published July 7, 2009.]

Time for another dive into the historic dumpster called “Great Lion Tamers of the Past.” As in previous installments (see here, and also, here) we will cast a jaded eye back at the various scoundrels, ne’er-do-wells and boy band managers that secured the Lion Tamers place in history as society’s black eye.

Cartoon-Constit

Jerome Noble Lion Tamer
As the proprietor of upscale strip-mall favorite “Barnes & Noble Heavy-Ass Coffee Table Books,” J.N. gained a reputation for only stocking the most ostentatious titles, each weighing no less that 25 lbs.

He is shown here handling, with disastrous results, Vol. 14 of the U.S. Constitution, on his way to the discount table. Only mildly popular, due to the tremendous amount of revisions, amendments and missing pages, all volumes of the Constitution usually wrapped up the year collecting dust with other deeply discounted tomes.

Older versions were often found placed next to such illustrious and swiftly forgotten favorites, such as The Collected Doodles of Lance Bass, Freight Cars of America, The Collected Nude Portraits of Gertrude Stein, and Booze Broads and Bedlam, the last of which soon became the children’s cherished sketch pad due to its enormous size and completely blank pages.

Cartoon-Situation

Elijah Montegarde Lion Tamer
A former sideshow performer and the 1903 winner of the “Most Ungainly Hairdo: Facial Division” award, E.M. would often “entertain” guests with various feats of daredevilry featuring his indoor cannon.

Named “Congress,” not after the hair-triggered legislative branch, but rather in a very blatant and poorly thought out attempt at subtle innuendo (the other side says “Sexual”). “Congress” was often used as a very frightening form of foreplay in his deviant rumpus room, or “War Office.” E.M. often lamented that no matter how explicit he was about his preferences in his many Craigslist personals, most “War Office Key Parties” tended to be sparsely attended “sausagefests.”

E.M. died alone from a self-inflicted headwound as did “Little Elijah,” who succumbed to a self-inflicted gunshot wound from E.M.’s pistol, “Little Congress.”

Small22Jan1900

Octavius Rockefeller Lion Tamer
The richest man of all time, O.R. amused himself as only the insanely rich can: by doing insane (and insanely expensive) things. He spent a little over $7 million ($380 billion in today’s dollars) on reconstructive surgery in order to become the largest man on the Eastern seaboard.

Once finished with this physical ordeal, O.R. found it easy to “pocket” Congressmen and Senators, forcing them to run the legislative treadmill for years at a time.

With the Capitol building converted to a rib smoker, O.R. headed east to terrorize Europe and Asia. After a minor struggle with the 300-foot Spectre of Fascism, O.R. strode, unchallenged across Asia. His comeuppance finally occurred in downtown Osaka, Japan, where he was defeated by the eight wonder of the world: Mecha-Godzilla.

Though his outsized remains were greeted by thousands of mourners stateside, astute observers of the funeral noticed a disproportionate amount of “Thank god he’s dead,” and “It couldn’t have happened to a bigger prick” comments, leading modern historians to subsequently place mourners in quotes.

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Roderick Arthur Lion Tamer
Another in a long-line of circus and sideshow performers within the Lion Tamer clan, R.A. turned his years of scamming and entertaining rural yokels into a long run as the official Jester to the President.

After various attempts at politically-charged piano tunes and scathing Letters to the Editor, R.A. soon settled on his bread-and-butter, riding around like a idiot on his handcrafted Silver Dollar Unicycle. Having never bothered to learn juggling, R.A. would simply wave his hands about in a somewhat carefree fashion, using a sort of proto-juggling mime. More often than not, his act consisted entirely of his rolling, fake-juggling antics, all set to the “Benny Hill” theme for maximum comic effect.

Universally reviled, R.A. nonetheless lived a successful life. His show ran for 34 consectutive years as government red tape constantly delayed his dismissal and his multiple appearances in tear-jerking melodramas (The Good Doctor Adams Who Made Laughter from Tears; Good Morning, French Indochina!) gained him new fans, while simultaneously alienating his old ones.

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Phillip Albertson Lion Tamer
A consummate ladies’ man and clotheshorse, P.A. was often seen gadding about town, gold watch on a chain and rohypnol in his pocket. He is seen in this etching, posing for an etching while asking the artist’s assistant if she would like to come see his etching as soon as it is finished and hanging in his bungalow.

Blessed with a smooth tongue, a full head of hair and an honorary doctorate from the University of Phoenix Online, P.A. tore through the fairer sex of Upper Illinois, leaving illegitimate children and bounced checks in his wake.

During his declining years, P.A. began to take stock of his life. As the wolves of paternity bayed mercilessly (and metaphorically) outside his window, P.A. suffered a change of heart, when it went from “ticking away normally” to “not really working at all, is it.”

On his deathbed, P.A. asked his numerous bastard offspring and former paramours to gather close, at which point he delivered his final message to the world: “My will has never been proven legal. Good luck dealing with the state of Illinois and my next of kin, whom I alienated years ago.” His body was buried in the St. Mary Hospital parking lot, after being hurled from the 23rd story window.

His legacy lives on, however, as the tougher restrictions and faster moving wage garnishments have been entitled “Phillip’s Law,” which also requires those arrested for child support non-payment to post signs in their yard stating that they steal from children and single mothers and are required to stay at least 500 feet from bars, casinos, hotels and family planning clinics.

-CLT

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Our Sincerest Apologies: Retractions and Corrections

July 29, 2009
The Fancy Plans Mailroom - where the "magic" happens, as Juanita will find out, shortly before filing a sexual harassment suit.

The Fancy Plans Mailroom - where the "magic" happens, as Juanita will find out, shortly before filing a sexual harassment suit.

Over the past seven months, we at Fancy Plans have made over 300 posts, most of them riddled with errors, false statements and speculation. Whether this can be chalked up to laziness, stupidity or ignorance remains to be seen. One thing is for sure: our mailroom is starting to fill up.

In an attempt to clear the slate heading into the back half of the year, Fancy Plans would like to issue the following corrections and retractions:

Our slogan is: “You’ve got questions? We’ve got answers.” Not: “You’ve got questions? We’ve got questions. Wanna fuck?” (Radio Shack)

Arizona and Indiana are not the freak states, despite their refusal to join the rest of the nation’s proud, but outdated, tradition of Daylight Savings Time. A joint statement issued by representatives of both states reads: “Not only will we not show up at work at the wrong time twice a year, but when the revolution comes, you know who will be ahead of the curve. That’s right, baby. The “freaks!” I think. Unless the revolution starts in the spring. And in the fall… I guess we’d be arriving at the same time… Viva la revolucion!” (The Freak States)

ASCAP and its worldwide associates are not solely comprised of “thug-like shakedown artists, whose dispassionate soullessness allows them to finally empathize with lawyers (even patent lawyers).” ASCAP points out: “We also have lawyers.” Touché. (ASCAP)

Snapple points out that, while they are “made of the best stuff on earth,” most Snapple drinks do not include elements of “titanium, platinum, uncut diamonds, black tar heroin, really fucking good acid, vegemite, Krispy Kreme donuts, weapons-grade plutonium, additional brain cells, pixie dust, or the sperm of several Nobel Prize winners.” (Snapple)

Dirk Cussler, unlike Jimmy Carter, can “fart and chew bubblegum at the same time.” Video evidence was provided, but required the installation of RealPlayer. So you’ll just have to take our word for it. (Dirk Cussler Trust Fund, LLC.)

Our art department would like to apologize for being

Our art department would like to apologize for being "too literal" when bogarting retraction photos.

The estate of Jim Morrison would like to point out that his nickname was not “Van” as previously stated several times. It was “Jimmy,” like all good American boys. His mother would also like to point out that she “does not believe that Jimmy ever showed his penis in public,” and that she “was only propositioned once or twice by Jim, at the most,” blaming it on his absinthe usage. (Estate of James “Jimmy Van M” Morrison)

Nietzsche did not coin the phrase: “Say it with flowers.” (FTD)

At no time, in the New Testament or Old, does the Bible refer to God “laying his pimp hand down.” (Strong’s Concordance)

Clive Cussler’s middle name is not “Fucking.” It is “Eugene.” (C. F. Cussler’s Adventure Novel Mill)

ASCAP does not consider the statement, “Sure, other people can hear my music, but I can guarantee they’re not enjoying it,” to be a legitimate denial of wrongdoing. (ASCAP, again)

Printing someone’s unlisted address and phone number is not a victimless crime, according to lawyer Joseph Merritt, who lives at 3431 Placid Terrace, Ft. Lauderdale, FL. The best time to reach him is after 6 pm (EST) at his home number (805) 421-1991. (Stevenson Law Firm of Ft. Lauderdale)

General note: the pants have rarely matched the plan. Sorry for the confusion. (CLT)

Chad Kroeger (Nickelback) has apparently won several fights with kiddie pools (and other inanimate objects) despite earlier reports. Also mentioned in this retraction request: Gwenyth Paltrow v. mirror, Keanu Reeves v. folding chair and Scott Stapp (Creed) v. “Pull” door. (We Can Smart Anti-Defamation League)

President Barack Obama has not “gone one toke over the line.” (Office of the President)

Smoking, drinking and drugs are not cool, despite all evidence to the contrary. So go to bed, kids and give mom/moms/dad/dads back his/her/their computer and paraphernalia. (D.A.R.E.)

Neither is all that excessive swearing. (Mom)

WordPress.com would like to point out that we do not actually have a “mailroom” and should drop this conceit as soon as possible. (WordPress.com)

The art department also thought this would be "clever." They have since been told that they are not paid to think, or at all from this point on.

The art department also thought this would be "clever." They have since been told that they are not paid to think, or at all from this point on.

Eric Clapton’s nickname is not “Pimp Hand.” Please refrain from using this or any other derogatory terms when referring to His Holiness, God II. Also, you already used the pimp joke earlier. (Clapton Publicity, LLC. aka “Voice of God”)

My blog may not contain the exact address of my Bacharach Men’s Fashion store, but I have left several clues like “Vernon Hills” and “Cubs game.” In fact, I’d like to think my site combines the visceral thrill of reading ad copy with the blustering excitement of a round of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (Phil Alper:4U2C)

Your continued refusal to purchase medicine at outposts and general stores will greatly increase the chance of a party member dying of dysentery. (Oregon Trail Historical Society and Event Generator)

Help! I’m stuck in your spam filter! (Ramblin’ Rooster)

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to the All-New Hardy Boys Adventures

July 3, 2009
After rolling the 2d12, Joe Hardy accidentally summons a "Lumbering Wildcat"

After rolling the 2d12, Joe Hardy accidentally summons a "Lumbering Wildcat"

A quick primer for those of you unfamiliar with the Hardy Boys series of rubber-stamped mysteries.

Frank and Joe Hardy – Fearless, intrepid, fastidious, square. Always just a step or two behind the perpetrators, needing just one more seemingly random coincidence to break the case wide open. In a word: insufferable.

In real life, the only break from peer-group ass-beatings these two would get would come during brief respites as their peers rested and massaged their ass-beating limbs.

Chet– Their “chum,” as he is referred to. Incessantly. Exists solely to provide very occasional comic relief and to ask a stream of questions leading to expositionary dialogue. Some samples:

“Fill me in on the details.”
“Run that by me one more time.”
“How did you know X was involved with Y?”
“How do you figure?”
“Has anyone been referring to you as ‘meddling kids?'”
“Recap the story so far and update us, I mean me, on any recent developments.”

Dad – Shows up in disguise during the last quarter of the book, offering some key insight or piece of damning evidence. Of course, we won’t know this until he shows up in the final chapter to rescue the boys from certain death/dismemberment, usually with some serious law enforcement in tow.

As always, he’ll deliver several paragraphs of exposition detailing his side of the case, which is always something he’s been keeping an eye on for awhile. However, despite his “investigation” he can’t be bothered to make an arrest until his offspring are staring death in the eye.

Mom: Who knows? Busy making cookies and enjoying a constantly empty house?

Which brings us to the here and now. While this series would seem to have joined the Bobbsey Twins and Nancy Drew in the been-there, done-that annals of old-timey serials, there is, of course, money to be made by tapping the nostalgia of their original readers to purchase books for their kids and grandkids.

Here’s what the publishers have lined up for the next wave of Hardy Boys mysteries:

The Case of the Missing Homework
With the day winding down, the insufferable brothers race the clock to remind their teacher that their promised homework hasn’t been assigned yet, much to the dismay of Chet and their other classmates.

The boys soon find themselves in a hairy situation as several of their fellow students gather outside the school to beat their fresh-scrubbed asses. Their dad arrives in the nick of time to defuse the situation, congratulating them on their honorable behavior and taking them out for a malt.

The Riddle of the Mysterious Sext
Someone at the boys’ high school is sending racy pictures and garbled text to their cellphones. Can the boys find the vowels they need to unravel who exactly wants to “do2hawtbros@1nce”? Their dad shows up just in time to confiscate their phones and, consequently, get arrested for possession of child pornography.

The Haunted Amusement Park
The boys are invited to spend a week at Wonderland Ranch. Mystery is soon afoot as the boys discover an eerie lack of “ranch style” animals and an overabundance of “Jesus Juice,” served by monkey butlers.

After several attempts to speak to the owner (who never shows his entire face and refuses to exit his oxygen chamber) about their concerns, the boys lapse into a drunken sleep, occasionally interrupted by disturbing dreams. Their dad shows up at the last minute to rescue the boys and collect a $20 million settlement.

Unfortunately for the boys, no one had used the word "chums" in over 40 years

Unfortunately for the boys, no one had used the word "chums" in over 40 years

The Curse of the Mexican Mule
The boys run afoul of local smugglers during their spring break trip to Cancun. They sober up quickly as they become entangled with a local drug cartel. Badly wounded after their attempt to “talk things out” with the local drug lord (“It’s not just the language barrier, Joe. It’s their awful Mexican ideals!”), the boys are left for dead in the heat of the Sonoran desert.

Their dad cuts short his business trip to Las Vegas to answer the boys’ distress signal and introduce them to their new mom.

Note: This is the first time the series has featured the phrases “full cavity search” and “America’s tough, but fair, drug policies.”

The Purloined Art
The boys assist the RIAA in hunting down the last known Kazaa user in the U.S., a Mrs. Robert Saperstein, whose granddaughter has left 11 songs in a shared folder. Although the computer isn’t functional due to its last Windows Update occurring in June of 2000, the boys, with help from their dad, ensure she gets what’s coming to her: an $880,000 fine and another black eye for the music industry.

The Hometown Incident
A wave of brutal vigilante violence sweeps through the boys’ hometown, spurred on by their success as teenage servers of justice, legal system be damned. Sack-of-doorknob beatings, kangaroo courts and weekly lynch mobs are the norm.

The boys attempt to calm the crowd by explaining that their amateur sleuthing is worlds away from brutalizing random teenage shoplifters, but the boys’ “can-do” spirit and sickeningly cloying speech patterns only fan the flamers. Cooler heads prevail once the boys’ father shows up to paint the town red, rename it “Hell” and declare martial law.

The Secreted Body
A mysterious letter sends the boys to beautiful New Jersey to hunt for the long-missing Jimmy Hoffa. They are soon warned away by colorful locals who “wouldn’t want anything to happen to that mother of yours. When this fails to get a response, they change the veiled threat to cover that “get-out-of-certain-death-free card of yours. You know, your dad.”

The boys find themselves bound for a watery and anonymous death when their father shows up and smooth-talks the boys to freedom, using mainly several million in unmarked bills.

The Runic Photo
The boys uncover an old picture depicting an ancient runic language. They circle the globe looking for the key to unlock the code, visiting ancient Sumeria, Mesopotamia and the local library.

They remain stumped until an anthropologist at Johns Hopkins points out that they are in possession of a badly faded segment from the dust jacket for Led Zeppelin’s fourth album. Their dad arrives just in time to laugh his ass off, before getting stoned with the good doctor in his basement.

The secret is: gets you drunk for cheap

The secret is: gets you drunk for cheap

 

The Errant Portal
During a quest to retrieve an overdue book for the school library, the boys stumble across an inscription containing the “God number,” which allows them to travel freely to and from the past. After an extended visit to yesteryear, the boys return to find the world nearly destroyed.

The boys and their father speculate on what could have triggered this cataclysm:
“When Chet called Mother Theresa a whore…”
“When Joe shoved Einstein down that flight of stairs…”
“When Dad knocked up Joan of Arc…”

Their dad makes a few quick jumps and everything is soon back to normal. Or is it?
Note: It is.

The Case of the Missing Uncle
The boys discover that their Uncle Art never returned from his trip to Sweden. A discussion with Aunt Margaret only further confuses the matter as she is now living with Aunt Amy, whom they had never met before.

Before the boys can delve any deeper into this matter, their dad shows up to give them “the talk.” Dad explains, “Remember when I got a divorce from mom, because of you two?”
“You said that wasn’t our fault!”
“Your mom said that. Anyway, it turns out that she left because she didn’t like herself and wanted to be a different person. So… Art divorced your Aunt Marge so he could be someone else who definitely isn’t your Aunt Amy, so let’s have no further questions about either of these two perverts whom you will never be seeing again.”

The Darkest Hour
With their business winding down due to a lack of interest or remaining, unincarcerated criminals, the boys begin hawking their mystery-solving skills door-to-door. They begin to help/annoy the locals by finding answers to their problems. Here are a few:

The Mysterious Machine
Not really considered canon due to A.) its crossover with the Scooby Doo characters and B.) it being a piece of very sexually explicit fan fiction, dealing with the van being in a near-constant state of “a-rockin,” often with Scooby himself involved.

-CLT