Posts Tagged ‘Miraculous Consumption’

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Finding Jesus

September 14, 2009
Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

You hear it all the time these days. People “finding Jesus.” Whether they’re in prison or rehab, they always talk about it as though they just won the inter-denominational scavenger hunt.

Why is it that Jesus isn’t out in plain sight, being found by people who have managed to not hold up a liquor store, murder eight people or run a dogfighting ring? Why can’t those who enjoy their booze and drugs in moderation draw a bead on this slippery Sonuvagod?

Perhaps He is out there. Maybe we’re just not looking hard enough. Especially you, Todd. You’re hardly trying and I think you need Jesus the most.

Here are some suggested locations to aid you in the spiritual game of hide and seek that is modern-day Christianity.

  • Nickel Beer Night, Wrigley Field
  • Basement crawl space
  • Chain letter
  • Thousands of nationally accepted religious venues
  • Amy Grant concert; Row 15 Seat 11A
  • Defending Kentucky from terrorists
  • Wandering through the White House and other government buildings, blatantly ignoring the restraining order that has been in place since 1791
  • Opening for Billy Graham (Beijing and Mexico City only)
  • Numerous cameo appearances in dreams (and dream sequences) over the past 2000 years
  • JC & Friends Water Walking Extravaganza, Sea World, San Diego (12 pm, 4pm and 7 pm)
  • Multiple bumper stickers (1970-present)
  • At home, catching up with His “stories”
  • Teaching carpentry at the Learning Annex
  • Protesting gay marriage, California
  • At the Career Center, finding the answer to the question: “What would Jesus do?”
  • Checking on his mom over at the Catholic Church
  • Measuring in at 900 ft. tall to claim title as “World’s Tallest Man (Diety Division)”
  • Montgomery, AL Gun Show, Booth 21
  • Every 1,200th Rick Roll
  • Unlockable character – Shin Megami Tensei:Nocturne
  • Gethsemane Gardens Amusement Parks
  • Guesthouse, Cape Cod
  • Specially marked boxes of Quaker Oats
  • Collecting His “props” at the end of every major sporting event
  • Making juice, Wonderland Ranch
  • Behind the decks every other Sunday – Space, Ibiza
  • Missed Connections, Craigslist
  • Fucking with single sets of footprints in the sand
  • Building hot rods with Gibby Haynes, Al Jourgensen

-CLT